I need help... what do i tell my children?

motherof2 · #1 01-23-2003, 10:36 AM

I am a single mother of 2 daughters, ages 12 & 9. Their father is in prison and has been for the past 2-3 years and will be for the next 18years. My youngest daughter is having some anger issues and her attitude has changed tremendously. (which i know that's gonna happen) She wants to see him all the time and says that it not fair that she can't see her dad but everyone else gets to see their dad... what do i tell her? HELP!!!

sherri13 · #2 01-23-2003, 11:05 AM

DO YOUR CHILDREN KNOW WHERE THEIR FATHER IS? HAVE THEY BEEN TO VISIT AT ALL? IF SO, HOW FREQUENTLY? IF NOT,ARE YOU OPPOSED TO THEM SEEING HIM? PLEASE LET ME KNOW AND I WILL TRY AND HELP.

motherof2 · #3 01-23-2003, 11:21 AM

Yes, they know where he is and has been to see him. but she wants to be able to see him every day. They went during the Christmas break with his mother. We are 8 hrs away from him.

sherri13 · #4 01-23-2003, 12:22 PM

OBVIOUSLY DAILY VISITS ARE NOT A REALISTIC OPTION AND PROBABLY NOT EVEN AVAILABLE- MAYBE YOU COULD COMPROMISE AND LET HER GO ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH? 12 YEARS OLD IS A TOUGH AGE ANYWAY AND IS ONLY COMPOUNDED BY THE FACT THAT HER DAD IS IN PRISON. HER REACTIONS (ANGER, CHANGE IN ATTITUDE) ARE COMMON FOR HER AGE AND PROBABLY EXACERBATED BY THE SITUATION. ONE THING I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND IS MAKING HER VISITS WITH HER DAD CONTINGENT UPON HER BAHVIOR. I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU ARE DOING THAT OR NOT, BUT I WOULD USE ANOTHER PRIVILEGE TO TAKE AWAY. SHE DOES NEED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER BEHAVIOR. KIDS THIS AGE ARE REALLY TESTING THOSE LIMITS AND IS IMPORTANT TO BE FIRM AND CONSISTENT. A LOT OF TIME WHEN ONE PARENT IS ABSENT THE CHILD BUILDS THIS IMAGE OF THEM AS THE "GOOD PARENT" BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT THE ONES IMPOSING RULES, SETTING LIMITS AND GIVING DISCIPLINE. IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD SIT DOWN AND TTALK WITH YOUR DAUGHTER OPENLY AND HONESTLY SBOUT THE SITUATION-LET HER KNOW WHAT YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF HER ARE, AND THAT YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER AND WANT THE BEST FOR HER. I HAVE TWO 17 YEAR OLDS AND A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD AND IN MY EXPERIENCE 12-13 IS THE HARDEST AGE. WHEN THEY GET IN HS, THINGS CALM DOWN A LITTLE. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I THINK IS TO KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN, BUT STAND YOUR GROUND AS THE AUTHORITY FIGURE. TALK WITH HER ABOUT WHAT IS REALISTIC ABOUT SEEING HER DAD AND OFFER HER AS MANY OPTIONS AS YOU CAN IN THAT REGARD. THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON THIS-GOOD LUCK!

Budwoman · #5 01-24-2003, 03:24 PM

DEAREST MOTHER OF 2

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING THAT A CHILD CAN ENCOUNTER.... IT IS SO VERY HARD TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION AND HAVE THEM UNDERSTAND IT..

IF THERE IS A INMATE FAMILIES SUPPORT GROUP IN YOUR AREA, PLEASE GET INVOLVED WITH THEM.... PLEASE BRING THIS CHILD TO CHURCH AND LET THE LOVE OF GOD COME OVER HER.... HAVE HER COUNSELED IN SOME MANNER... BUT REALLY TRY TO HAVE IT BE A COUNSEL OF LOVE NOT NECESSARILY KNOWLEDGE..

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU

DONNA

mattjohnsmom · #6 02-11-2003, 05:26 AM

Mother of two
I hope that things will get better for you. I am raising my grandchild and she is 11. Her father is in prison and he may not ever be released. It is hard on her because she never lived with my son and we live so far away(he is in Attica, NY and we are just across the boarder from youngstown OH, in western PA. It is a 61/2 hour trip for us to visit.
It has been difficult trying to get her to understand,but I tell her the truth and then listen as she vents her feelings. It is so hard to know what to say to our children in circumstances like these. IF you would like, and think it would help, I would be willing to let Sarah sent letters or e mails to your daughter. It might benifit her (your daughter) to have someone her own age and similar circumstances to vent to. And to share other things as well, fun things with. Sarah likes horses, reading,math, school work in general,drawing, music, talking to her online friends,helping me with the business that my sister and I are beginning, and so much more I can't begin to tell you.
She is an intelligent and compassionate child with a heart. I am a little prejudiced when it comes to her(she is more like my daughter than grandchild), but others have told me this. She has her rough days and sometimes I would like to just scream, but is a good kid generally speaking. I monitor her online time and so you would have no worries there. Feel free to e mail me if you wish. I wish I could help you more.
Remember to keep yourself strong by letting yourself express your feelings to others who care. Take care of yourself so you can care for your children. Have a good day!

lulu · #7 02-11-2003, 08:45 AM

How are things with you Mother of 2? Please let us know.

motherof2 · #8 02-12-2003, 12:31 PM

Things are getting better, but still I am having to deal with "why can't i see my dad everyday?" My youngest, Kristan, has her days but all in all is getting better. She got 2 letters from him last week and that made her feel a lot better. I think she was thinking he forgot about them. so if he keeps sending letters, maybe that will help her. I wrote to him and told him the problems I'm having with her and he wrote back to her and told her that he thinks of her everyday and looks at her pictures everyday. So cross your fingers, but it looks like he's making an attempt to help me.

lulu · #9 02-12-2003, 01:06 PM

That is good to hear. At least it is a step in the right direction.

Amelia · #10 02-12-2003, 01:53 PM

HI mother of 2--I am mother of 5.....I totally understand what you are going through my oldest daughter is 7 and she has been going through the same kind of issues...what I have found that works real well is talking, crying even yelling to get out their feelings...make her know that she can come to you for comfort when she is feeling bad, writing letters is a way that she can feel connected to him have pictures of him available to her, I havent been going through this as long as you have but it has been a year and I have seen a gradual change in all my children's behavior...my oldest son Travis (6) I feel is having a very tough time and even more so because he doesnt articulate his feelings well, he keeps most things inside.....send me a PM f you want my phone number, maybe the kids can talk to eachother and help eachother out, I know i feel better because I come on here and get my sadness, frustration and lonliness out with a group of people who know what I am dealing with so maybe it will help them too...let me know if I cna help you out in any way....and WElcome to the PTO family!!--Amelia

deb · #11 02-12-2003, 03:14 PM

mother of 2,

Is there any way that you can carpool or something to get to visit more and take the kids more? Every 2 weeks would be awesome if you could work it out.......It helps with my kids.

Deb

motherof2 · #12 02-13-2003, 09:27 AM

We have no one to carpool with. We have no family out here in W. TX and no one knows our situation. His mom takes them when we go to Dallas.

Veronica · #13 02-19-2003, 03:22 PM

Hi
The hardest thing when my husband went to jail was dealing with it with the kids. My kids are a bit older and they understood what happened. In my case, they couldn't see him, but they wrote him. I would suggest your daughter write a daily letter and send one every day. It will get everything out of her and off to him, plus keep the lines of communication open.

Good Luck.

motherof2 · #14 02-19-2003, 04:16 PM

I have suggested they write to their dad everyday, but they choose not to. Their response is "he doesn't write to me every day" I don't know what to do.

deb · #15 02-19-2003, 10:19 PM

Can you take them to visit every 2 weeks or so? Can they write a couple times a week and their dad write to them a couple times a week? You're in Texas so I'm thinking he can't call right? Some how, the lines of communication have to stay open and the relationship be nurtured however you can make that happen......

Deb