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Raising Children with Parents in Prison For the Parent left behind with children AND for the Children that have a parent inside. Discussion of unique challenges facing this group!

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  #1  
Old 08-26-2004, 03:47 PM
Taenas Taenas is offline
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Question Should I take my son to see his father?

I want to take my 6 year old son to see his father this weekend. I've taken him a couple of times before. The last time I took him I told his father that, that would be the last time he sees him until he comes home. I was not trying to be mean. I just don't want my son to think that it is okay to be in jail because Mommy will come see him. I also think that my son should have a relationship with his father. I don't know that him seeing his father in jail is the best thing for him though.

Me and his father are no longer together beacuse He lied to me. I am not taking this out on my son because I have taken him to see him after we broke up and when we were together there where times I would not take my son. I'm just confused, I want the best for my son, not to mention that I'll have to wake up at 3 a.m. and drive 4 hours. But if I made the effort when we were together I guess I should do it for my son now.

I would like some feed back and I know that PTO members give the best advice.
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  #2  
Old 08-26-2004, 03:52 PM
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I think that it is important for your son to see his father. Would you really not go see your son if he was in prison? I know I would see my children no matter what. I think that it's important to express to your son that prison isn't a place to be and have your son's father to tell him the same. Let him know that his daddy did something wrong and must pay for his mistake by going to prison. Have him write his dad's letters too. Just my opinion. May God bless you and your family.

Shona`

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Old 08-26-2004, 03:56 PM
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Is he writing letters to his son? If not, then think twice about taking him. Why should you/your son have to make the effort to maintain that relationship? He can maintain the relationship through letters as well...
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Old 08-26-2004, 03:57 PM
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As a mother myself, I know what you are going through. My youngest is only 8 months and I take him to see his father every chance I get. You have to do what is best for your child. But keep this in mind, as long as you reenforce the fact that there is nothing good about being in jail to your son. His father is there because he did something wrong! And he has to pay for it. Taking him there to keep the relationship between him and his father is not teaching or telling him that it's ok to go to jail. Take care .
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Old 08-26-2004, 04:35 PM
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I take our 9 year old every weekend, pretty much. When he thinks it would be fun in jail, I remind him that jail isn't fun. Dad can't see us when he wants to see us. Dad has to be "searched" everytime he does see us. He has to ask permission to go to the bathroom when we are in visits and is usually told no by the guards. Where is the fun in that? But, I think it is important that the relationship be there.

I also agree, though, Dad should be writing him regularly before you actually visit. If Dad isn't making the effort, it isn't your sons responsibility to keep the relationship going. Just my opinion.

Good Luck!
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Old 08-26-2004, 04:47 PM
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I have taken our 18 month old to see his father. When my husband was still in da County Jail I took our son each visit even though it was through a glass window and using a phone to talk but I wanted them to still be able to see each other & I wanted my husband to see his son grow every chance he got with him. We just had our first contact visit three weeks ago and our son didn't cry or anything because I always took him up to visit his daddy and so when we had that contact visit everything would be okay!

I feel that you should take your son to visit his father every chance they have to get that kind of visit to bond and get to know each other better. So what his father is in Prison , I think that every child should be able to go and spend some time with their fathers. We can't always protect our children from there future if thats going to jail or even prison but no matter what we will love them da same as before. It seems like you are punishing him because his father is behind bars....Let your son see his father! Because one day he might hate you for it i mean keeping him from seeing his father!
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Old 08-26-2004, 05:43 PM
Taenas Taenas is offline
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Thank you all so much for your input! I didn't mean to confuse anyone when I said that I didn't want my son to think it was okay to be in jail because Mommy will come to see him. I would definately see my son if he was in jail!

Also, his dad does write to him. He gets letters once a month. I ask my son how does he feel about the letter and he just says he's happy. Me or my daughter read them to him because he always writes is cursive.

I do want them to have a relationship so I'll take him this weekend. My kids start school next week and I wanted them to see him before it starts (my son and daughter do not have the same father, but my son's father treats my daughter like she is his own.)

Thanks again for your input, I'll keep you all posted!
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Old 08-26-2004, 07:11 PM
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I'm glad you decided to take him. I think it's very immportant to keep family bonds strong. Your son will know from the restrictions placed on his Dad, that jail is not the place to be.
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Old 08-27-2004, 02:45 AM
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i say as long as he is letting ur son know that he is ** being punished ** for a bad thing (( at that age its enough to say just that )) its fine , i also recommend the letters , a lil more frequent tho , and support ur child in writing about how school was ect , there are many men ** that are free ** that have no involvement in their childs life , so the ** location ** doesnt really matter as far as the bond , its the bond that is key !!

oh btw , i am a san quentin baby , never was allowed to see or write him , he died a few years back , all i have are the diarys he wrote about how ** my mom ** didnt allow any contact !!
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Old 08-27-2004, 06:36 AM
Taenas Taenas is offline
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QQin4meboo-I am sorry to hear that you never really knew your dad. I do not want my son to go through that.

Also, I do write to his dad tell him about school. I send report cards and give him updates on what is going on. I do this in hopes that he will use these things as conversation when he writes to my son. He usually just tells him that he is sorrythat he can not be in his life right now but he will when he gets out. I do believe he will be a part of my son's life when he gets out, though, he's never been out long enough to spend time with my son.

Thanks everyone for your support!
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Old 08-30-2004, 10:38 AM
Taenas Taenas is offline
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(PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON MY CASE! ) I didn't ake my son last weekend because I didn't tell his father that I was coming up. I didn't want to show up and I couldn't get in because someone else had beat me to the punch, or if he had plans with someone else (like one of his family members) I didn't want to mess up their visit. I don't talk to his mother often. I let my son call her once a month. I think that she should call him to see how he is doing. (The calls are long distance) I figure all I am responsible for is keeping the lines of communication open with my son and his father. Am I wrong?
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