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  #1  
Old 07-29-2017, 02:18 PM
tryingtoheal tryingtoheal is offline
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Default Update: I've decided to give us another chance and stick it out with him

hello all
I have been thinking, wrestling, praying etc and come to what I think is my decision at this time to give us another chance and stick it out with him there, he initiated contact w me the other night expressing his feelings on hoping I will want to stay w him, theres a lot to it obviously but this is the short version for now that after sifting through a mix of different thoughts and feelings, worries, concerns, also hope love and loyalty, ive come to decide I would like to give him/us this chance.
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Old 07-29-2017, 04:32 PM
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"I feel like im in the middle of the ocean---please God let there be a shoreline soon where i can have peace, healing and not carry around so much deep pain and trauma....it is a daily fight"

You wrote that.

You were ON that shoreline when he went to prison and now you're swimming back out into the open water. On purpose.

Of course he's sorry and wants you to stay with him. That's what batterers DO. You GAVE him a chance and he kicked your fucking ass for it. Repeatedly.

That's not love.

Go to counseling.
Go to counseling.
Go to counseling.
Go to counseling.
Go to counseling.
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Old 07-29-2017, 04:36 PM
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I hope you have thought this through and you and he are going to get counselling and support.Dont let it be a case of he is sorry until the next time.Don't let there be a next time unless he gets help and support he will continue to abuse and be sorry afterwards.
Its your choice.
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Old 07-29-2017, 04:40 PM
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Are you guys violating no contact order? He will end up in a while heap of trouble if you are and that will not help either one of you.

Work on you. Let him work on him. Once he is out, make the choice then
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Old 07-29-2017, 06:29 PM
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Hon, I recall you writing that he would abuse you in public, and that you had mild TBI from other attacks by him.

He's not going to change. Ever. If you read up on abusers, you'll find that they tend to come in two flavors (with some very minor exceptions) - Narcissistic Personality Disordered and AntiSocial Personality Disordered. Neither one takes well to counseling or therapy or drug therapy. And neither improves over time. They are so entirely invested in their disorders that nothing can convince them that they are wrong in how they behave. Ever.

You are volunteering to go back into the same swamp you finally got out of. You want this to be fixable. It isn't. Ever.

You are what's called narcissistic supply. He needs attention and adoration. If you don't supply it properly and in sufficient amounts his ego starts to starve. Of course he wants you back! He needs that stuff!

Loyalty, eh? To what? To a miserable, abject, danger-ridden existence that can't even properly be called a life? To worrying every moment that he's going to explode? To having to account for your every look, for what you're wearing, for what you're thinking, to having to soothe him out of his next rant and hit session?

He has given you moments of happiness - we call them the honeymoon - and they are indeed wonderful, but the have never lasted, have they? They're the bait, and then comes the switch to the abusive devil you know so well. You thought he was finally healing, you thought you'd finally gotten through to him, that you wee finally on the upswing. Then it crashes and you get hurt. He doesn't, his things don't. Just you.

Stop yourself! Find a friend, if you still have one, and beg them to tie you to a tree until this thoughtstorm is over. Ask them to feed you drugs that will knock you out until it passes. Ask them to throw you into the middle of the jungle with nothing but a compass.

Anything but go back.

Oh, incidentally, if you actually get back together with him and he's getting out, you will be the first target, because you're the one who sent him there. You. You. Will Pay.
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Old 07-29-2017, 06:55 PM
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I urge you to talk to a counselor.
IF you do try to continue to be with him, he needs to go as well. Both separate and together
If he isnt willing to go........
Please please reconsider.
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Old 07-29-2017, 07:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtoheal View Post
hello all

also hope love and loyalty, ive come to decide I would like to give him/us this chance
.

aw chica, you're brave, pero... just remember, "Loyalty doesn't include a slap and or being his emotional and physical punching bag.

-Easy to:
-In prison, while detained, guarded et.al., to call up and whisper te'amo.(i love u's)and cry and or say,"i am sorry."

Good luck and may the lord bless you to never be abused again.
Glad i left mine (2x)2 separate men, and both are still not doing "better"w/out
me, as i knew they wouldn't,and bad karma came their way.Be careful.adios.
Hugs -n- blessings you way tonight.
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Old 07-29-2017, 08:23 PM
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I'm going to contradict Sidewalker here, one of very few times it has ever been done!

Don't go to therapy with him! DON'T! Why? Because if you bare your soul, as you eventually should in therapy, he will listen very carefully. He will store up each hurt you have disclosed, each incident you consider to be his failing, his fault. Then he will explode. You will have damaged his image of himself, and that is intolerable, so he will hit you as he never has before.

Been there.
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  #9  
Old 07-29-2017, 08:45 PM
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All I can say is WOW! It is no surprise you are going back to him, after all, it is what you are used to and feel you deserve.

I hope that you make it out alive, next time he beats your ass. You will never be free of this man being in the state of mind you are now. You will continue to make excuses for his actions and take the blame for every beating he gives you.

I do not believe there is one person in here that is going to support your decision in taking him back, so please do not get butt-hurt when you don't have all the love and support you are seeking. The love most, if not all of us have to offer here is, life experience being exactly right where you are and choosing to get help to learn how to escape the deadly and toxic relationship we were in.

I am sad to hear this, but wish you only the best.
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Old 07-29-2017, 09:22 PM
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"love and loyalty"

@tryingtoheal, ma'am, I am not advising you about what to do, but keep this in mind as you make your own decisions:

You deserve love and loyalty. And not just from other people.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:45 AM
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Moving forward means not looking back just because you're not going this way. You are walking right back into the drama, trauma and abuse and I strongly recommend to walk AWAY from it not back right into it.
What do you have to gain?
Are you afraid of being alone?

I'm with the others on here: go get some help - NOT FROM HIM - from some professional.
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtoheal View Post
hello all
I have been thinking, wrestling, praying etc and come to what I think is my decision at this time to give us another chance and stick it out with him there, he initiated contact w me the other night expressing his feelings on hoping I will want to stay w him, theres a lot to it obviously but this is the short version for now that after sifting through a mix of different thoughts and feelings, worries, concerns, also hope love and loyalty, ive come to decide I would like to give him/us this chance.
Just be careful because words mean nothing if actions/behavior don't match . Cuz sometimes another chance to them really means I still get to control this person . Best wishes
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:23 PM
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thanks for the honest but caring feedback...I was wondering something that I read under the boyfriends/husbands in jail section (not sure then if I should ask this in that section, its regarding the issue of a kind of standard that us on the outside should reasonably expect in regards to calls..i guess I will go post it over there since I'm not sure...thanks
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:41 PM
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In one ear and out the other. I'm glad I don't know your name. When you show up in the obituaries for your loyalty, I won't know it's you.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:01 PM
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Marseile,
your approval or judgement isn't needed or helpful....sincere concern or thoughts are more helpful, fyi....and as far as blame, theres plenty of that to go around, one of which is those who over the years caused me to feel less than, or inferior or stupid, that doesn't help women who are needing to be stronger
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:57 PM
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“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”


― Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
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Old 07-30-2017, 05:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtoheal View Post
...and as far as blame, theres plenty of that to go around, one of which is those who over the years caused me to feel less than, or inferior or stupid, that doesn't help women who are needing to be stronger
I'm not sure I read this right, so I apologize if I'm misinterpreting. On behalf of everyone who has told you to run, to care for yourself and that they hope not to read that you've been abused again (on any level), those are the most raw and sincere words you need to hear. Most of us replying have been in your shoes and if our tongues are sharp it's because we'd rather you be incensed by us and still in one physical piece than comforted by him until he does it again. Speaking for myself, I can't support you returning to an abusive relationship. You are not stupid nor inferior, but you are injured. You need help and time to heal. You cannot do that with him in your life. This isn't an example of second chance appropriate. He did this. He chose this. He will do it again. And you will suffer for it. Do not allow him that space. Please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtoheal View Post
thanks for the honest but caring feedback...I was wondering something that I read under the boyfriends/husbands in jail section (not sure then if I should ask this in that section, its regarding the issue of a kind of standard that us on the outside should reasonably expect in regards to calls..i guess I will go post it over there since I'm not sure...thanks
I responded to your call thread before I knew this was the person we were discussing. If you have a no contact order against him (that would be issued by the courts, not at your discretion) you cannot have contact with him. Phone, letters, visits. Not OK. There's a very good reason for that.
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Old 07-30-2017, 06:06 PM
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I agree with Mia more than I can even say.
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Old 07-30-2017, 06:31 PM
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Quote:
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Marseile,
your approval or judgement isn't needed or helpful....sincere concern or thoughts are more helpful, fyi....and as far as blame, theres plenty of that to go around, one of which is those who over the years caused me to feel less than, or inferior or stupid, that doesn't help women who are needing to be stronger
We have you our sincere concern and thoughts in a number of other threads. There's a time when gentleness needs to be elevated and when someone who has been profoundly abused has expressed a desire to go back to her batterer, that time becomes now.

He will hit you again. There is absolutely zero question about that. The fact that he batters you in public, in full view of others, and batters you about the head and face all point to a guy who will continue to beat you until you die from it.

There is no amount of counseling that will fix him. There is no amount of love or devotion or loyalty that will fix him. We have been there and we know how hard this is.

WE HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE STANDING.

The difference is... we are STILL STANDING because we chose to get away from our abusers. We decided we were worth more than that. We learned that violence and emotional abuse has no place in a loving relationship. We all thought about going back. We all fell for the apologies and the honeymoon phase.

But your case... it's profound. The abuse you described is so over the top... so intense. None of the usual safe places exist for you. He is undeterred by the possibility of being seen hitting you. He is undeterred by the threat of police involvement or jail time. These are the "stops" that usually keep batterers from putting someone in their grave, and he has no regard for them.

I meant what I said... I'm glad I don't know your name because it would haunt me forever if I saw you on the news.
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  #20  
Old 07-30-2017, 10:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtoheal View Post
Marseile,
your approval or judgement isn't needed or helpful....sincere concern or thoughts are more helpful, fyi....and as far as blame, theres plenty of that to go around, one of which is those who over the years caused me to feel less than, or inferior or stupid, that doesn't help women who are needing to be stronger
Reread what you wrote - and then tell me how you plan to get that from your relationship with him. He is one of the primary reasons that you feel 'less than' and 'inferior' and 'stupid'.

Going back to it, trying to make the past heal.....just doesn't work. Most especially, you can't heal him. Especially when you are as broken as you are. You're trying to patch together a self, but he's taking it from you over and over. Now that he's injured your brain, what do you plan to use to do all the work you need to do?

He needs you, but only in the grossest, most negative ways (see back earlier in the thread) about needing admiration and attention). Where do you get admiration, the attention that boosts you up, that makes you feel permanently loved and safe?

What do you need from him? Not what you're getting, that's for sure. One or two more hits to the brain and you will never be able to form enough intention to get away, and you won't have the intellectual capacity to plan it or the physical capacity to follow through.

While you have time and safety, get to a domestic abuse agency and speak to a counselor! Or I'll send you a book about abuse that's been around for a few years, and one I've sent out to about 70 women just from this site who have wanted to understand, called Why Does He Do That?. By Lundy Bancroft. You don't need to pay for it - I will.
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Old 07-30-2017, 10:42 PM
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This is so horrible. I read your other posts and they broke my heart. Please don't go back to him. He doesn't love you. Love isn't abusive. A man should be your protector both emotionally and physically and he failed at both. Don't you see that you deserve way better? Well you do! If you don't see it I will say it. You don't need him. Gather your strength and self respect and move forward and don't look back! Do you have friends and family to talk to? Private message me and I will help you.
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Old 07-30-2017, 11:37 PM
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I'm not just posting this for the OP, but for anyone reading this thread finding themselves in a similar situation or wondering why we have to fight the temptation to return to our abusers. It's a BBC documentary about domestic violence. Click the title to view the 1 hour movie on YouTube.

Behind Closed Doors was "[s]hot over 12 months, and starting from the moment a 999 call is received, the film follows three brave women who each waive their right to anonymity to show how insidious and terrifying domestic abuse can be. The complex emotions involved when someone you love becomes violent are also exposed, as are the difficulties for police when those feelings mean victims are not completely honest."
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Old 07-31-2017, 12:01 AM
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The OPs name says it all: tryingtoheal
I can only encourage her to not give him another chance. I've never been in this situation but I would also not let this happen. I'd walk away and never look back. There's nothing that could ever excuse a man treating me this way. Nothing!!
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:30 AM
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Quote:
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Marseile,
your approval or judgement isn't needed or helpful....sincere concern or thoughts are more helpful, fyi....and as far as blame, theres plenty of that to go around, one of which is those who over the years caused me to feel less than, or inferior or stupid, that doesn't help women who are needing to be stronger
That was not opinion, judgement or shame. That was a realistic conclusion based on facts and statistics.
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Old 07-31-2017, 09:27 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
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**Don't go to therapy with him! DON'T! Why? Because if you bare your soul, as you eventually should in therapy, he will listen very carefully. He will store up each hurt you have disclosed, each incident you consider to be his failing, his fault. Then he will explode. You will have damaged his image of himself, and that is intolerable, so he will hit you as he never has before.**



this is something I'd never have thought of. Great point Nim. I just cant see being that cruel to someone. But you are right.

To the op, Guessing that what Mia said is also correct. You have a restraining order against him. maybe you didnt put it there but there is one since you are his victim. He should not be contacting you and vice versa.
You are going to do what you want to but I really really hope you consider what folks who have been down this road are telling you.
Please heed their warnings. For your sake.
At the very least.....please see a counselor who specializes in DV.
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