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Old 07-16-2017, 11:12 PM
littlebean littlebean is offline
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Default He has 2 charges of DV 3 and DV 2, should I provide the bail money?

I need advice, well maybe I don't want to hear what I know is going to be said...maybe I just need to get it out....

My boyfriend and I met almost two years ago. He is a crack addict and has a long history of prisons and rehabs. I was an alcoholic when I met him and then he introduced me to drugs that I always said I would never do! When we met He had a warrant for a PV and ended up spending 15 months in jail. I moved on, but still kept in contact with him. I got sober and rebuilt my life. the day he got out I relapsed before I even saw him again. Thing went exactly the opposite of how we had planned and dreamed and we both destroyed so much. The police were called to my house multiple times. He hurt me physically with bruises, lacerations, ect and hurt me emotionally and mentally. He has 2 charges of DV 3 and DV 2 and has been in jail for 2 weeks. I called the police for the 2nd time in a night (not because of an phy violence, but because he had a warrant for DV 3 and I was told earlier by the cops I would be harboring a fugative if he was there. I blocked his calls from jail for over a week and when I took the block off, the man on the other end was the man I first met. I know that the drugs were the case of all of our problems and for him the reason for the violence and anger. I believe he does need professional help for some of his issues, but sober, he would never do the things that he did to me.

There is so much more to our relationship and We both want to start over and try again. He is able to get bonded out for $400 ($10k bond). I have told him that I am going to testify in court and no matter how much I love him, I want to show him, and myself that what he did was wrong and that I did't deserve it. What a contradiction right....especially since my question is....he wants me to bail him out, I could post the $400, but I do not want to put my name on the bond.... and since I'm the victim, from what I have learned a bondman is not going to do that? So, should I give the $400 to have someone else sign for it? We don't have a no contact order,and according to SC law, although not official, my home is his residence.
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Old 07-17-2017, 12:53 AM
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Honest opinion (even if you don't want to hear it): stay away, step away and move on. Get things sorted, move him out of your home and concentrate on staying sober, healthy and most of all happy without bruises and drama.
No more investing money, use it on your much brighter future.
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
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Old 07-17-2017, 03:01 AM
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Walk away. Love doesn't have to hurt.
"I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." -- Elie Weisel
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Old 07-17-2017, 03:54 AM
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I know you know what I'm going to say...

He may seem like the man you first met at this moment... But how long is that going to last? He's an addict. Plain and simple. Until he makes the decision to get clean and put in the work to stay clean, things aren't going to get better.

Do not bail this man out. Do not give someone else the money to get him out. He hit you... He put his hands on your body and caused you harm. He bruised your body... Caused cuts to your body... It is absolutely not OK for a man to lay hands on a female. No way...No how. He needs to sit his behind right where it is.

Also, you don't even need to see this man until he's finished his sentence, is out, and has been sober for a year.

I understand you love him. I get it. Love isn't violent, though . A man who truly loves you doesn't put you in situations with the potential to be harmed. Be thankful it wasn't worse. Many DV cases do turn into homicides.

Here's a question... I don't know if you have any children, so I'm going to give you a hypothetical daughter. So... What would you do... What would you think... How would you react... And... Most importantly... What would you tell your daughter were she in that exact same situation. When you can answer that... You will have what you should do.
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:23 AM
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He's NOT going to change his ways. He has proven that several times just in the short time you have known him. Save your money and move on with your life...
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Old 07-17-2017, 08:49 AM
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As hard as it is to hear you need to move on. No one deserves to be treated that way.
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:25 AM
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Hon, walk away. Otherwise, you're betting your life on a 10% chance of success. Only 10% get off their drug of choice, and since you KNOW he hurts you badly when high, the odds are fierce that one of those injuries will be permanently damaging or fatal.

A poster above suggested that you keep your distance for at least a year after he's out, if he proves able to stay sober and non-violent. It's a possibility.

But you would/will have to be entirely vigilant not to get over-involved before then. Any implication from you that you might accept something less than stellar behavior on his part would be interpreted as 'well, that's not too bad, she's not freaking out about that' and the goalposts move, and then next incident will be a little worse, and finally everybody falls over the cliff.

It works that way almost all the time.

So you both ended up doing drugs, and that means you are his enabler, as he could be yours. You must, must must get to NarAnon or AlAnon meetings to learn how not to do that! It will save you, if not him. Those are not the meetings that addicts go to, but ones for those who love addicts, to give them a network of support and strength.
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:29 AM
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Look, there's a protective order in place right now that says he's not to have any contact with you. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. It is put in place to protect the victim from her abuser, especially in these cases. He's been calling you. He has no intention of obeying a damned thing the courts say. It's not because he loves you - it's because you'll actually put the money up and allow him to violate more conditions of bail, potentially adding yet another DV charge to the list (he violated the one, he'll violate again). Not living with you, not coming around you, not contacting you is a condition of bail yet he cares so little about those conditions, he's willing to do it again. and he'll do it again. And he'll get involved in drugs, too, not that he's not still using in jail.

You stay involved with him, you're not serious about your recovery at all. You need a solid year of sobriety, a year of domestic violence counseling, and a guaranteed year that he's been actually sober, and a year in domestic violence counseling before you even think about going near each other again.

Use your bail money for rehab. You need that time in a more intensive situation so you can see all of this much more clearly.

you also need to learn a lot more about domestic violence, and your relationship with DV
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Old 07-17-2017, 01:12 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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You have been saved from a disastrous situation. Dont walk back into it. Love yourself first
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Old 07-17-2017, 05:43 PM
Ms Sunny Ms Sunny is offline
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You know the answer. Its scary, but your alive and only you own your future.
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Old 08-03-2017, 08:43 AM
jsanner jsanner is offline
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Originally Posted by littlebean View Post
He has 2 charges of DV 3 and DV 2, should I provide the bail money?

No, of course not. Kick this dude to the curb. Figuratively, of course.
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