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  #1  
Old 07-07-2017, 02:12 PM
victimnomore80 victimnomore80 is offline
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Default Ex arrested for beating/stabbing current g/f: Talk to DA? etc

Hi Ladies, I would love to get some feedback from you regarding a situation that I am now in. Apologies for the very long post

I met my abuser when I was 15 years old and he was 21, we moved in together when I was 17 and though he was controlling and jealous prior to us living together I did not realize that these were all the warning signs of an abusive man.

The abuse started with a smack, and then a shove, and the him choking me; he would of course apologize and we would have some good weeks where he was not physically abusive but controlled every aspect of my life and being young and dumb I stayed and loved him and allowed him to isolate me from friends and family.

It progressively got worse, and he now forced me to get off my birth control and he would repeatedly rape me and insisted that I needed to have his baby girl.
I got pregnant a few months later and that's when the abuse really started.

When he was home (he would spend all of his nights out and I sat at home 24/7 since he made me quit my job) the abuse was horrific and humiliating. He would beat me senseless and then threaten that if I lost the baby he would kill me. I was stuck, he had convinced me that he was all I had, since I had no money of my own, no family support and no friends.
I thankfully did not lose the baby and had an amazing an beautiful boy who is now 12.
I initially thought that I could make him change and get better and I thought that having the baby that he so wanted would make him realize his wrongdoings ( though he was so mad that I gave him a boy and not his desired girl) but of course this was not the case and the abuse continued and I stopped loving him but lived in fear of leaving him. Now he also had a new trick where he would threaten to kill my son ( yes, I know it is his biological son but that boy is all mine as an added method to control me.

I endured so much abuse, broken bones, teeth kicked out of my mouth, beatings with a metal shovel that would knock me unconscious but one day he beat my son with a belt leaving welts and cuts and that was when I knew that it was time to run, and finally I escaped with my soon to be 5 years old son.
He did not have any contact with my son since we left though he tried to email me and find me, and my response was that he should go the legal route if he wanted to see my son.
Now last year he showed up at my house (I have since happily remarried and had a baby) and he decided that he wants to see my son. My husband tell him that he should go to court to seek visitation and that is what he did.

We have been in court since fall of last year, and the process has been very slow. My son informed his law guardian ( his own lawyer) that he is scared of his dad and does not want to see him at all and his lawyer is pushing for no contact.

lol, Just realized that I typed out a book. Sorry ladies, if you are still reading that was the background for the questions that I need advice with.

In April of this year my ex was arrested for beating/stabbing his current partner and he is now in jail facing attempted murder charges along with many other smaller charges.

So my question is 2 part,
1) what is the likely-hood that visitation will be denied completely and that I would be granted sole custody? Our next family court case date is not until October, and I'm driving myself crazy with the what ifs!
2) Should I involve myself and provide a statement to the DA? I would be outlining the abuse that I experienced for over 10 years, letting him know that though he doesn't have a prior record this was not an isolated incident and that he is an abuser through and through.

Anyway, I think I just needed to gt all of that out to someone who might possibly understand my situation.

I am so scared to get involved and have him come after me when he is out, but I am also so angry and scared that if I don't speak up he will get minimal jail time and will be free to abuse someone new and will come back trying to get visitation.
Thanks if you read this all the way through! Have a great day
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  #2  
Old 07-07-2017, 02:58 PM
yourself yourself is offline
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as to 1 - if visitation is not denied, it will be at the prison. This complicates things substantially as most NY prisons are rural, requiring quite a bit of driving, not to mention the idea of trying to forge an unwanted parent child relationship through a prison.

Let's start with worst case scenario - he gets visitation a couple of times a month, phone calls, email, and letters. You are not responsible for putting money on his books for email and phone calls. So, if he has no family support, he's going to be entitled to those calls but unable to make them through his own fault. This means no phone calls.

Same thing goes for prison visits - he'll be entitled to them, but if there's nobody willing to drive the child to the prison, there are no prison visits.

So, that's the worst case scenario. Let's look at the best case scenario - because he's made limited to no efforts to contact his son, and because your son is of an age where what he wants matters to family court judges, there will be no contact. Prison and domestic violence in his current situation are just icing on the cake in as far as reasons why the family court judge will prevent contact.

What you might have to deal with is his father sending him letters. This is problematic because it means that he knows your address. Instead, if there is an insistence on letters, try to have them mailed to a neutral third party.

Now, where you go from here is important. Once there is a visitation agreement in place, even if visitation is limited to letters, you need to start counting. My guess is that he'll write a few letters at first, and then it will taper off until he's making no effort. No effort for a few years means you can move to terminate his parental rights.

I hope you're negotiating a really nice chunk of change for back due child support - this can be a great piece towards reducing and limiting contact, and can form the basis of a college education while he tries to stay current with his child support obligations to give you a bit of financial breathing room. Most states do not completely toll child support while in prison.

Now, number 2. Very complicated. I would talk about it with your attorney and let your attorney reach out to the prosecution. Your testimony will probably be more valuable in the pre-sentence investigation and in sentencing than in an actual trial, but having your attorney make that overture would be the way to go. Getting your medical and dental records together to show a pattern of abuse would also be good, but potentially difficult for you emotionally. You should also have your attorney look into the Statute of Limitations on any crimes that may have been committed against you for which there is medical or dental documentation. You could be opening a whole can of worms. But then you could also get a protective order against him based on this and really put a wrench in his desire to have a relationship with his son.

Look, assuming he's going to do some time, your son will be more than old enough to make his own choices and have them respected by the court should the man get a brief prison term. Right now, his voice does matter. His preferences do matter.

It's hard to wait these things out, but it is what it is. And, the longer this stuff lasts, the more likely the man will be in prison before it's resolved anyway.

With the pending charges and assuming the man is in jail, don't expect this to be resolved at your next hearing unless it's unequivocally in your favor.
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  #3  
Old 07-07-2017, 05:03 PM
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Welcome, 80! You've been down a long hard road...

Yourself gave you the basic legal outline, so I want to know if you've gotten counseling for both you and your son. His direct exposure to abuse means that he's got quite a load to carry himself. Was there counseling soon after the abuse or later on when you got stabilized a little?

One way or another, if there are any records at all, you can ask for your lawyer to obtain them. They will be valuable in the course of requiring your ex to jump through a whole lot of hoops ever to be able to contact your son, because of having abused him directly with the belt and indirectly with the violence toward you.

If you haven't gotten to counseling for him yet, let me suggest that you do. My son was exposed to violence on me, and carries the memories now, almost 50 years later. Those memories colored his life in ways I can only guess at, since he never opened up to a therapist (I took him to enough of them, but he wouldn't talk. Yours may do better).
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Old 07-07-2017, 07:59 PM
tryingtoheal tryingtoheal is offline
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hello, welcome to this forum, I am brand new myself here but wanted to let you know you will find this place pretty supportive!
sorry for all you've gone through, i can relate, is very very painful and difficult road, what is helping me somewhat is trying to not look too far ahead and just taking it little by little and just remembering all i can do is my best

as for talking to the d.a., hmmm, I really could see your feeling of uncertainty with that bc of worry what he might do if he gets out etc...ill be honest and just affirm that is a really tough call to make..maybe try to journal a bit or write down different thoughts you have, the pros and cons etc . Sometimes when i do that it helps me later come to some decision or at least a clearer idea of what i want to do
Good luck in all of it and keep coming here, God bless!
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Old 07-07-2017, 08:02 PM
CenTexLyn CenTexLyn is offline
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I cannot see a court terminating rights until the conviction has occurred...that whole 'presumption of innocence' thing and all.

As to the prior bad acts, concur that it may be best to let your family law attorney interface with the DA's office. It would not be admissible during the guilt/innocence portion of the trial in most instances (save for him taking the stand and claiming this NEVER happened before, which is not likely to occur). It WOULD be admissible in the punishment phase of the trial IF he went to trial instead of taking a plea AND was convicted.
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  #6  
Old 07-14-2017, 01:09 PM
victimnomore80 victimnomore80 is offline
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Thank you so much for your very thoughtful response that touched on all of my concerns!


Quote:
Originally Posted by yourself View Post
as to 1 - if visitation is not denied, it will be at the prison. This complicates things substantially as most NY prisons are rural, requiring quite a bit of driving, not to mention the idea of trying to forge an unwanted parent child relationship through a prison.

Let's start with worst case scenario - he gets visitation a couple of times a month, phone calls, email, and letters. You are not responsible for putting money on his books for email and phone calls. So, if he has no family support, he's going to be entitled to those calls but unable to make them through his own fault. This means no phone calls.

Same thing goes for prison visits - he'll be entitled to them, but if there's nobody willing to drive the child to the prison, there are no prison visits.

So, that's the worst case scenario. Let's look at the best case scenario - because he's made limited to no efforts to contact his son, and because your son is of an age where what he wants matters to family court judges, there will be no contact. Prison and domestic violence in his current situation are just icing on the cake in as far as reasons why the family court judge will prevent contact.

What you might have to deal with is his father sending him letters. This is problematic because it means that he knows your address. Instead, if there is an insistence on letters, try to have them mailed to a neutral third party.

Now, where you go from here is important. Once there is a visitation agreement in place, even if visitation is limited to letters, you need to start counting. My guess is that he'll write a few letters at first, and then it will taper off until he's making no effort. No effort for a few years means you can move to terminate his parental rights.

I hope you're negotiating a really nice chunk of change for back due child support - this can be a great piece towards reducing and limiting contact, and can form the basis of a college education while he tries to stay current with his child support obligations to give you a bit of financial breathing room. Most states do not completely toll child support while in prison.

Now, number 2. Very complicated. I would talk about it with your attorney and let your attorney reach out to the prosecution. Your testimony will probably be more valuable in the pre-sentence investigation and in sentencing than in an actual trial, but having your attorney make that overture would be the way to go. Getting your medical and dental records together to show a pattern of abuse would also be good, but potentially difficult for you emotionally. You should also have your attorney look into the Statute of Limitations on any crimes that may have been committed against you for which there is medical or dental documentation. You could be opening a whole can of worms. But then you could also get a protective order against him based on this and really put a wrench in his desire to have a relationship with his son.

Look, assuming he's going to do some time, your son will be more than old enough to make his own choices and have them respected by the court should the man get a brief prison term. Right now, his voice does matter. His preferences do matter.

It's hard to wait these things out, but it is what it is. And, the longer this stuff lasts, the more likely the man will be in prison before it's resolved anyway.

With the pending charges and assuming the man is in jail, don't expect this to be resolved at your next hearing unless it's unequivocally in your favor.
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Old 07-14-2017, 01:12 PM
victimnomore80 victimnomore80 is offline
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Thank you so much for your response! Yes both my son and I were able to get in to counseling once things calmed down a bit and it has helped a lot as he is still so angry/sad about his early years and the abuse that he experienced.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
Welcome, 80! You've been down a long hard road...

Yourself gave you the basic legal outline, so I want to know if you've gotten counseling for both you and your son. His direct exposure to abuse means that he's got quite a load to carry himself. Was there counseling soon after the abuse or later on when you got stabilized a little?

One way or another, if there are any records at all, you can ask for your lawyer to obtain them. They will be valuable in the course of requiring your ex to jump through a whole lot of hoops ever to be able to contact your son, because of having abused him directly with the belt and indirectly with the violence toward you.

If you haven't gotten to counseling for him yet, let me suggest that you do. My son was exposed to violence on me, and carries the memories now, almost 50 years later. Those memories colored his life in ways I can only guess at, since he never opened up to a therapist (I took him to enough of them, but he wouldn't talk. Yours may do better).
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