Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > RESOURCE CENTER > Domestic Violence
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Domestic Violence News and information relating to domestic violence in general. Please post here if you don't see a sub-forums that fits better.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-06-2017, 12:20 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default Why I didn't report abuse

Since I have been specifically asked at least twice to elaborate on my situation, which I was thinking of not doing to avoid getting into subjects that are even further away from the original topic, let me tell you that, as I mentioned before, I come from a respectable family of educated people but my parents, especially my mother, were abusive.

Much of that would have been hard to prove, as they would act behind closed doors and the abuse was mostly psychological or based on parental authority and control over money (until I was able to move out and not depend on them any more). There was some physical violence too, but mostly low-key or merely threatened. Nevertheless, since my father once pulled on my fingers so hard that I had to wear a cast on two of them and I was afraid for my safety even when the truth is that my parents were simply standing around screaming, I can't say there was no abuse.

Now, I realize that many people end up having convicted offenders in the family and it's not their fault. I also realize that in this day and age, and considering that my parents were not royalty or something, I do not really get much for being the daughter of a couple who has a certain social standing. Moreover, it's different when the abuser is just a boyfriend, not even a spouse, because that relationship is not as permanent as the parent and child relationship.

Personally, I chose to never report my parents. I would rather be the daughter of people who are whatever my parents are in society than the daughter of convicted criminals who, due to legal expenses and related fees, may not be in a position to help me in some way or leave me some kind of inheritance even if they wanted to. I'm not greedy, but I'm not very young myself, so, obviously, they are not very young either.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to prisonlady For This Useful Post:
jadah (07-07-2017)
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 07-06-2017, 12:31 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is online now
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 23,350
Thanks: 5,444
Thanked 27,478 Times in 10,033 Posts
Default

Prisonlady, I gave you your own thread, because you have put a whole different topic out for discussion, and I thought it was worth having that discussion.
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
Ms Sunny (07-06-2017), sidewalker (07-07-2017)
  #3  
Old 07-06-2017, 12:37 PM
tryingtoheal tryingtoheal is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: CA USA
Posts: 32
Thanks: 1
Thanked 33 Times in 14 Posts
Default

prisonlady
to be frank, I dont think i even believe your serious-- your posts get more ridiculous and offensive each time, its just my opinion your probably playing some type of game to add insult to injury for any dv victims
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to tryingtoheal For This Useful Post:
JustBeingMe67 (07-06-2017), MizzyMuffling (07-06-2017), OnlyInTexas (07-06-2017), rnsgaig (07-06-2017), safran (07-06-2017)
  #4  
Old 07-06-2017, 01:24 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

The fact that I am not being believed is one of the main reasons I have not reported my parents. I didn't think I would have been believed back then either. I used to live in a nice, clean house, where there was food and everything, and except for the one-time hand injury and perhaps something like a small bruise that could have been explained away, there were no physical signs of injury.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to prisonlady For This Useful Post:
Minor activist (07-06-2017)
  #5  
Old 07-06-2017, 01:39 PM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is online now
Site Moderator Gone Mad

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 8,187
Thanks: 10,555
Thanked 13,880 Times in 5,340 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
The fact that I am not being believed is one of the main reasons I have not reported my parents. I didn't think I would have been believed back then either. I used to live in a nice, clean house, where there was food and everything, and except for the one-time hand injury and perhaps something like a small bruise that could have been explained away, there were no physical signs of injury.
I think a lot of people feel this way and don't feel prepared/strong enough to subject themselves to the scrutiny of investigation DV can bring about. I also think that we've come a very long way in discussing DV. I know that the abuse my mother received as child in the late 1950's would have never been called abuse. Then, if your father drank and beat you, it was a private family issue. We treat it differently now.

We know that often abusers work very hard at covering tracks and convincing us we won't be believed or that it's our fault. Protecting abusers is usually perceived responsibility #1 of their victims.

But placing the weight of whatever punitive measures or exposure that may come down on the abuser back on the victim isn't right and it isn't OK, whether that victim be you or someone else.

As an ally, our job is to focus on the rights and voice of the victim.

Last edited by miamac; 07-06-2017 at 04:33 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to miamac For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-06-2017), Ms Sunny (07-06-2017), nimuay (07-21-2017), rnsgaig (07-06-2017), safran (07-06-2017)
  #6  
Old 07-06-2017, 04:21 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,383
Thanks: 3,986
Thanked 19,682 Times in 7,092 Posts
Default

so, have you done any domestic violence work?

Btw, don't minimize domestic partner abuse - you might not be able to divorce your parents (actually, you can, and have been able to so since the early '80's in a process called emancipation), but you sure can age out and leave home. Nobody looks at leaving home as a failure. Plenty of people stay in toxic relationships because of the fear of failure, the fear that they'll never be able to get into a relationship again, etc, etc, etc.

Further, you could always sue your parents for damages caused by their abuse instead of resigning yourself to waiting for an inheritance, if any.

And if you are still in contact with your parents, chances are you're still in an emotionally abusive relationship with them. Especially if you've never done any trauma work or family of origin work or co-dependency work.

Fwiw, for children in abusive family environments, the most dangerous time for them is the first year, more specifically the first weeks of life - that is when you are much more apt to be murdered. You have no choice about it then. You have no appreciation of the risk you're in then. The older you get, the lower your risk for death. Domestic partnerships are different. There, the risk is when the victim tries to leave. If you cannot see the difference between family violence and partner violence, or appreciate the difference, you might want to take a step back and look at it more closely and with a bit more empathy for the risk involved. Since your parents let you leave home without risk of death, your perspective on this is quite different, as is your experience of physically leaving the family environment v. somebody leaving a partnership.

This, more than anything else, is why people are getting so pissed at you. This, more than anything else, is why your solutions and substitutions for incarceration are so preposterous.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
Critter07 (07-06-2017), fiat_nox (07-06-2017), JustBeingMe67 (07-06-2017), nimuay (07-06-2017), safran (07-06-2017)
  #7  
Old 07-06-2017, 04:28 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,383
Thanks: 3,986
Thanked 19,682 Times in 7,092 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by miamac View Post
I think a lot of people feel this way and don't feel prepared/strong enough to subject themselves to the scrutiny of investigation DV can bring about. I also think that we've come a very long way in discussing DV. I know that the abuse my mother received as child in the late 1950's would have never been called abuse. Then, if your father drank and beat you, it was a private family issue. We treat it differently now.

We know that often abusers work very hard at covering tracks and convincing us we won't be believed or that it's our fault. Protecting abusers is usually perceived responsibility #1 of their victims.

But placing the weight of whatever punitive measures or exposure that may come down on the abuser back on the victim isn't right and it isn't OK, whether that victim be you or yourself.

As an ally, our job is to focus on the rights and voice of the victim.
For the OP, it would be a child abuse allegation. Child abuse has also changed quite substantially since the '50's, but by the '70's was becoming much more of a thing. Since we're talking about two separate thing - a criminal child abuse investigation and a child services investigation - and that most cases are resolved at the child services level, there's that difference, too.

I do know parents who have threatened children with foster care, and that all foster care is much worse than the abusive home environment, and that seems to be effective in making kids keep quiet. But, the fact remains that CPS investigations are not criminal investigations unless there is dramatic physical abuse or there is evidence of other crime, like drugs. The worries of the OP about being related to criminals is unfounded from the point of view of somebody who's worked in the system. Most emotional abuse does not rise to a level of criminal abuse, and hasn't been recognized as abuse for more than a few decades. She may feel her parents were criminal, but that doesn't mean that their conduct, especially over time, rose to the level of criminal child abuse.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-06-2017), miamac (07-06-2017)
  #8  
Old 07-06-2017, 05:19 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

My parents were not the kind of people who would murder their own children. On the contrary, they would nurture them when they were small and take them to doctors. I apparently developed an intolerance to milk and had to use some soy milk substitute. It's not in that respect that they were terrible.

In the greater scheme of things, and considering the social climate back then, what ended up happening may not even seem that extreme. They terrorized me by being unpredictable. I couldn't know whether they were going to scream and perhaps give me a little slap or if my mom was going to scratch my arms with her fingernails, or whatever else they did, or if they were going to end up hitting me on the head with something heavy (which did not happen) or pull hard on my fingers like my father actually did when he injured me.

I was afraid for my life and physical safety not as much because of what really happened but because they were impulsive and unpredictable. Believe it or not, for the short time I lived in the household of some other relatives, I felt safe even though I was getting beaten with a belt. That was rational and predictable punishment, and it tended to happen less and less as I got used to the rules of the house.

This is not how it was in my parents' home. They would lash out unpredictably and impulsively, although it is true that they did not kick me with their feet or punch me in the head. But I could never know what was going to happen, and death and injury can happen by accident too. A simple push may cause the victim's head to hit a hard surface, and I suppose my father didn't actually mean to injure me.

I lived with my parents until I was 20, so at some point this was no longer even child abuse per se. In fact, much of the abuse happened when I was an older child, a teenager or a very young adult (assuming 18 to 20 is adult age). They were not the kind of people who would kill a tiny baby. But don't forget that in that household, I had certain privileges I wouldn't have had in foster care. Economic, educational, access to my parents' well-stocked library, you name it. As I got older, I had trouble gaining my economic independence. I moved into a rat-infested room, where I no longer live (I did not know about the rats at the beginning). Would I really have been better off as a more ignorant individual who speaks fewer languages and read fewer books? The place was a golden cage.

Also, since they were "respectable", educated adults and it was not possible back then to get a cell phone video or something, they could always have downplayed and twisted the events if I complained. They could have made it look like it was me who seemed to want to hit them or to be in some kind of mental crisis and they had to stop me. If they had not even touched me, they could have said that they just screamed at me. What parents did not scream at their children back then? Never underestimate the deceitfulness of abusers who are educated and with social capital/respectability, highly intelligent, and who keep physical violence to a minimum and do not live in apartments with thin walls. Especially when it happens in a time and place where parents have more leeway.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to prisonlady For This Useful Post:
nimuay (07-21-2017)
  #9  
Old 07-06-2017, 05:51 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,383
Thanks: 3,986
Thanked 19,682 Times in 7,092 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
My parents were not the kind of people who would murder their own children. On the contrary, they would nurture them when they were small and take them to doctors. I apparently developed an intolerance to milk and had to use some soy milk substitute. It's not in that respect that they were terrible.

In the greater scheme of things, and considering the social climate back then, what ended up happening may not even seem that extreme. They terrorized me by being unpredictable. I couldn't know whether they were going to scream and perhaps give me a little slap or if my mom was going to scratch my arms with her fingernails, or whatever else they did, or if they were going to end up hitting me on the head with something heavy (which did not happen) or pull hard on my fingers like my father actually did when he injured me.

I was afraid for my life and physical safety not as much because of what really happened but because they were impulsive and unpredictable. Believe it or not, for the short time I lived in the household of some other relatives, I felt safe even though I was getting beaten with a belt. That was rational and predictable punishment, and it tended to happen less and less as I got used to the rules of the house.

This is not how it was in my parents' home. They would lash out unpredictably and impulsively, although it is true that they did not kick me with their feet or punch me in the head. But I could never know what was going to happen, and death and injury can happen by accident too. A simple push may cause the victim's head to hit a hard surface, and I suppose my father didn't actually mean to injure me.

I lived with my parents until I was 20, so at some point this was no longer even child abuse per se. In fact, much of the abuse happened when I was an older child, a teenager or a very young adult (assuming 18 to 20 is adult age). They were not the kind of people who would kill a tiny baby. But don't forget that in that household, I had certain privileges I wouldn't have had in foster care. Economic, educational, access to my parents' well-stocked library, you name it. As I got older, I had trouble gaining my economic independence. I moved into a rat-infested room, where I no longer live (I did not know about the rats at the beginning). Would I really have been better off as a more ignorant individual who speaks fewer languages and read fewer books? The place was a golden cage.

Also, since they were "respectable", educated adults and it was not possible back then to get a cell phone video or something, they could always have downplayed and twisted the events if I complained. They could have made it look like it was me who seemed to want to hit them or to be in some kind of mental crisis and they had to stop me. If they had not even touched me, they could have said that they just screamed at me. What parents did not scream at their children back then? Never underestimate the deceitfulness of abusers who are educated and with social capital/respectability, highly intelligent, and who keep physical violence to a minimum and do not live in apartments with thin walls. Especially when it happens in a time and place where parents have more leeway.
Fostercare is not a black and white - either you're there permanently or you're not. The termination of parental rights takes time and effort on the part of parents. They have to be bad parents who are determined to be bad parents and not do the things that are required by the courts and CPS. Plenty of foster care families are just as intelligent, wealthy, and influential as yours, so there's no guarantee that if you were stuck in a permanent environment that you'd speak fewer languages, be less well read, etc. Last kid I had placed was placed with the owners of a string of funeral homes. I have a friend who's had over 40 fosters who has a thriving business in HVAC and a couple of youth sports teams including the production of 2 Olympic athletes (no, nobody is required to participate, but the family goes to events even if they are not participating. It's part of showing support). You'll never find a more loving large family environment, especially when all of their former fosters come back for reunions with their families.

You have a lot of misinformation that you are treating as gospel. I'm assuming you have not done the work necessary to deal with your traumatic past.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-06-2017), Fridyrr.Likn (07-06-2017), miamac (07-06-2017), nimuay (07-21-2017)
  #10  
Old 07-06-2017, 06:09 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

What do you mean, work? Like, seeing some therapist who knows my true identity and gets to see me in person, and wasting my money for the privilege? And now that all this is history and I'm barely talking to one of my parents once every few months and not at all to the other? Earlier in life, I was busy establishing my career, so I didn't have time to waste either. I worked full time while I was in university and living in that rat house.

I did try counseling while in university (for free) and I was just getting bored and annoyed. One day, when the counselor asked me what I would do if I was not at the counseling appointment, I said that I would go buy a new winter coat. You'll never catch me in that kind of place ever again if I can help it!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 07-06-2017, 06:23 PM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is online now
Site Moderator Gone Mad

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 8,187
Thanks: 10,555
Thanked 13,880 Times in 5,340 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
What do you mean, work? Like, seeing some therapist who knows my true identity and gets to see me in person, and wasting my money for the privilege? And now that all this is history and I'm barely talking to one of my parents once every few months and not at all to the other? Earlier in life, I was busy establishing my career, so I didn't have time to waste either. I worked full time while I was in university and living in that rat house.

I did try counseling while in university (for free) and I was just getting bored and annoyed. One day, when the counselor asked me what I would do if I was not at the counseling appointment, I said that I would go buy a new winter coat. You'll never catch me in that kind of place ever again if I can help it!
And that's fine. It's hard to support, but it is your decision.

However, in light of that, perhaps offering advice or feedback to those actively dealing with crisis and needing more practical support than anecdotal reasons they should just wash their hands of the whole experience isn't the best thing you could do.

I'm not denying you your right to your story and I'm glad you're sharing it. But I caution that not everyone has the silver-lining to an abusive history that you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to miamac For This Useful Post:
DanielsWyf (07-07-2017), nimuay (07-21-2017), safran (07-06-2017), sidewalker (07-07-2017), yourself (07-06-2017)
  #12  
Old 07-06-2017, 06:59 PM
Minor activist Minor activist is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 1,252
Thanks: 767
Thanked 1,058 Times in 588 Posts
Default

Quote:
I would rather be the daughter of people who are whatever my parents are in society than the daughter of convicted criminals who, due to legal expenses and related fees, may not be in a position to help me in some way or leave me some kind of inheritance even if they wanted to.
Nobody should have to make that choice.

Can you think of a way to change how we all do things that would give the next kid in a situation like yours some better options?
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-06-2017, 07:16 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

That's part of the problem. Those whose story is atypical will have trouble proving that they are really getting abused, if for some reason they wish to come forward. It's hard to believe that it's even true and what exactly is so abusive.

If they are still at a stage in their life where they need any help they can't simply buy with their own money or do without, they may not be able to get what they need. Even if something is available, it may simply not meet their needs, since it is meant for people from a totally different social environment who experience different forms of abuse, or the same kind of abuse to a different degree, and/or have some tangible proof such as a police report.

For instance, it is usually assumed that the victim should hide and run. As they were, my parents were still not likely to come look for me with a gun or a baseball bat. I had trouble reaching the point where I was able to not even need that much, but after I moved out, I actually got them to pay my tuition and give me a little money once in a while until I graduated and got a real job (I was working while in university).

Doing otherwise may have been better in the sense that maybe I would have become more mature and independent psychologically at an earlier age, but I had to survive financially for the time being.

This being Canada a long time ago, and since I moved out before I could qualify as an independent student for loans and bursary purposes, I couldn't just get a student loan like many people do. I would have had to sue my parents, since they refused to sign the student loan application and provide their own financial information. I was out of the house but considered a dependent because I had not been employed full time for 2 years (or married, pregnant, with kids, reaching some unreasonable age such as 39 or whenever one was finally deemed independent anyway, or already holding an undergraduate degree, etc).

If my menial job would have even qualified me, by the time I had been there for 2 years, I had already completed 2 years of university. It probably wouldn't have qualified me and I got hired soon after I started university. Some Catch-22! That's why the usual advice (to run away and hide, or go home to my "loving parents") wouldn't have suited me.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-06-2017, 07:51 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

What I would suggest? To make it easier for young people to leave home for any reason whatsoever and become financially independent (and without needing a police report or otherwise having to prove that they are indeed abused).

At the same time, I don't mean that they should be encouraged to just get on some kind of benefits without having to work (or at least to prove that they are working on a serious project such as a degree). Neither should they have to settle for the first minimum wage job they can find and give up any ambitions of a better career and education.

I realize that in some geographic areas or for people with different skill sets, this may not be the huge issue it was here for me at that particular time. Some people do manage to leave home and never look back without having to move in a tiny, rat-infested room with a shared bathroom. Or they used to, because unemployment and underemployment are structural problems in today's economy. And of course, things like student loans, bursaries, benefits or whatever help is available do vary as well, depending on location.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-06-2017, 08:52 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,383
Thanks: 3,986
Thanked 19,682 Times in 7,092 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
That's part of the problem. Those whose story is atypical will have trouble proving that they are really getting abused, if for some reason they wish to come forward. It's hard to believe that it's even true and what exactly is so abusive.
You think your story is atypical. It's not. Why do you think we harp on people getting out especially when they have kids? Do you think your parents came to their abuse of you naturally? Organically? No. Guaranteed it represents their own unresolved trauma histories. These things are passed down.


Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
If they are still at a stage in their life where they need any help they can't simply buy with their own money or do without, they may not be able to get what they need. Even if something is available, it may simply not meet their needs, since it is meant for people from a totally different social environment who experience different forms of abuse, or the same kind of abuse to a different degree, and/or have some tangible proof such as a police report.
Somebody sold you a bill of goods about other people and poverty and abuse a long time ago.

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
For instance, it is usually assumed that the victim should hide and run. As they were, my parents were still not likely to come look for me with a gun or a baseball bat. I had trouble reaching the point where I was able to not even need that much, but after I moved out, I actually got them to pay my tuition and give me a little money once in a while until I graduated and got a real job (I was working while in university).
No, running and hiding for children of abuse is the last thing they need. For adults in domestic partner abuse cases, this is frequently required, but this is not the case for children in abusive relationships or for adults who survived abuse.

you seem to think also that you somehow got your parents to pay for things - nope. Financial abuse is one of the ways that parents continue to traumatize their children, especially if they convince you that it's the easiest way. In a sense, it is the easiest way when you're willing to buy into it rather than join the military or do any of the innumerable other things kids who can't afford college do (in the US, military, Peace Corps, Vista, trades, community college, scholarship to the college of their choice, run off and follow the Grateful Dead around for a while)

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
Doing otherwise may have been better in the sense that maybe I would have become more mature and independent psychologically at an earlier age, but I had to survive financially for the time being.
And you could have, had you not been sold a bill of goods by parents who wanted to keep you where they could continue to psychologically abuse you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
This being Canada a long time ago, and since I moved out before I could qualify as an independent student for loans and bursary purposes, I couldn't just get a student loan like many people do. I would have had to sue my parents, since they refused to sign the student loan application and provide their own financial information. I was out of the house but considered a dependent because I had not been employed full time for 2 years (or married, pregnant, with kids, reaching some unreasonable age such as 39 or whenever one was finally deemed independent anyway, or already holding an undergraduate degree, etc).
\

In the states, you need the same financial disclosures as a recent high school grad. This means that if your parents don't provide it for you, you have to come up with a different way of dealing with school, mostly through delay until you do qualify. This applied for scholarship students as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
If my menial job would have even qualified me, by the time I had been there for 2 years, I had already completed 2 years of university. It probably wouldn't have qualified me and I got hired soon after I started university. Some Catch-22! That's why the usual advice (to run away and hide, or go home to my "loving parents") wouldn't have suited me.
Again, you assume "runaway and hide" is what children of abuse are told to do. There are a ton of children of abuse. They are rarely told to runaway and hide. Instead, they are forced to grow up quickly or stay in the abusive parent/child diad for a good long time, usually to the detriment of their maturity as adults.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-06-2017, 08:56 PM
CenTexLyn CenTexLyn is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: TX-US
Posts: 14,084
Thanks: 511
Thanked 9,770 Times in 5,508 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
What do you mean, work? Like, seeing some therapist who knows my true identity and gets to see me in person, and wasting my money for the privilege? And now that all this is history and I'm barely talking to one of my parents once every few months and not at all to the other? Earlier in life, I was busy establishing my career, so I didn't have time to waste either. I worked full time while I was in university and living in that rat house.

I did try counseling while in university (for free) and I was just getting bored and annoyed. One day, when the counselor asked me what I would do if I was not at the counseling appointment, I said that I would go buy a new winter coat. You'll never catch me in that kind of place ever again if I can help it!
Oh that's right...now I remember the way you claimed stigma on therapeutic treatments that included psychological care and/or pharmacological management. Here is a clue...therapy works for people who are actually trying to get help to deal with their traumatic issues. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right counselor. Those on college campuses tend not to always be the best option, but they STILL help those that have an interest in trying to get assistance.

And who gives a shit if the provider actually knows your name and everything about you? How else are they going to HELP? It is no different than the client that withholds pertinent data from trial counsel and then is aghast that the attorney didn't manage to find that data. On the bright side, you save some therapist from being driven to drink by their feelings of frustration over being able to offer relief to the client...

What your reply tells all of us is that you would rather hold on to the victim mentality and poo-poo the notion of care from persons SKILLED in dealing with victims of domestic violence.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to CenTexLyn For This Useful Post:
DanielsWyf (07-07-2017), JustBeingMe67 (07-07-2017), MizzyMuffling (07-06-2017), nimuay (07-21-2017), yourself (07-07-2017)
  #17  
Old 07-06-2017, 09:03 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,383
Thanks: 3,986
Thanked 19,682 Times in 7,092 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
What do you mean, work? Like, seeing some therapist who knows my true identity and gets to see me in person, and wasting my money for the privilege? And now that all this is history and I'm barely talking to one of my parents once every few months and not at all to the other? Earlier in life, I was busy establishing my career, so I didn't have time to waste either. I worked full time while I was in university and living in that rat house.

I did try counseling while in university (for free) and I was just getting bored and annoyed. One day, when the counselor asked me what I would do if I was not at the counseling appointment, I said that I would go buy a new winter coat. You'll never catch me in that kind of place ever again if I can help it!
Doing your work when it comes to resolving traumatic childhood relationships and abuse issues doesn't necessitate a therapist, especially if you think that the purpose of therapy is,
Quote:
seeing some therapist who knows my true identity and gets to see me in person, and wasting my money for the privilege?


Nobody gives a sh!t what the therapist really knows about you or whether the therapist sees the "true you". What's important is you hashing out the anger, sadness, and isolation of an abusive childhood. What's important is mourning the childhood you did not have. What's important is examining the impact of your parents' relationship with you on your personality and how you form relationships as an adult. This does not require a counselor, especially if you see counseling as a waste of money. It does require you actually researching child abuse, the long term effects of child abuse. It does require you to actually examine your feelings, both now as you try to bond with others, and as a child at the most painful times of your life. It actually requires you to process all of the pain that you've buried and have refused to deal with to such an extent that you cannot deal effectively with the crisis of another person.

For example - Virginia executed a man tonight. Tonight is not the night to go up to his family and tell them they should have raised him better. It's not the night to tell other inmates on death row that they should have gone to school and played sports and then maybe they could have avoided death row. You don't deal with a person in emotional crisis by misunderstanding the elements of the crisis and the reason for the crisis. There's a difference between child abuse and domestic violence. You cannot treat one just like the other. And you cannot understand your own abuse through the lens of domestic violence.

You really need to do your work.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
DanielsWyf (07-07-2017), Minor activist (07-07-2017), nimuay (07-21-2017), safran (07-06-2017)
  #18  
Old 07-06-2017, 09:35 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

I think the option of joining the military was simply not available because of some health and fitness issues of mine (I am not exactly handicapped either). That being said, my parents, who were indeed some highly accomplished individuals, were a little snobbish and classist. You may have noticed that I have a subtle tendency to be a little like that myself.

Therefore, as I saw it back then, it was simply inappropriate for me not to have a degree, or multiple degrees. To this day, I still feel that I should have accomplished more and, under better circumstances, I probably would have.

The comment about preferring to be the daughter of people "who are whatever my parents are in society" did not mean that I just needed their help, although it is true that if they lost their positions they wouldn't even have been able to pay my tuition, or whatever they ended up paying.

I really meant it from the point of view of reputation and social standing even though at my age, and since I'm not a princess, the important thing is who I am, not whose daughter I am. But deep in my heart, I still feel that my parents's status as criminals, if they happened to have that status, would somehow reflect poorly on me. It would not be my fault, and maybe nobody cares, but I feel that way. After all, I was brought up to believe that a Bachelor's Degree is the bare minimum standard, and in fact not quite enough, for anybody in my family while not even having that much is a huge disgrace. I used to be embarrassed because my ex did not, in fact, have a degree.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-06-2017, 09:38 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is online now
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 23,350
Thanks: 5,444
Thanked 27,478 Times in 10,033 Posts
Default

I don't know how much you've looked at your life's results because of the abuse you suffered. I know that even now ( at 69) I have ramifications that I cannot get away from, and I had only one abusive parent. My dad saved me from the worst of it, because he went to court in 4 separate custody battles trying to get custody of me and my brother. And finally did get me (my brother suffered horribly in her custody, but he was younger than me and wouldn't testify against her, so he stayed with her until he was 18).

You don't know what you don't know! There's a saying - your mind is a dark and dangerous neighborhood - don't go there alone! And sometimes that what's therapy is all about. It helped me, because I had to get an understanding of why I kept repeating bad or useless patterns. It hurt. But it also turned on some light bulbs in the darkness of my neighborhood.

You are definitely living still in the abuse that was handed out to you long, long before you had the equipment to deal with it. It comes through bright and clear in your postings. If it's evident to me, to us, then it's probably a completely dark area for you. You review my posts, you'll probably see some of the same with me.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you're not alone in the parental abuse experience.
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
Critter07 (07-06-2017), miamac (07-06-2017), safran (07-06-2017)
  #20  
Old 07-06-2017, 09:53 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 968
Thanks: 175
Thanked 1,044 Times in 545 Posts
Default

I grew up with the stigma of therapy mainly because my family didn't want dirty laundry aired. It is also a generational thing. Now a days it is much more accepted. A lot of people and kids are abused by today's standards, but it was viewed different 20 years back. Usually people do what they have been taught to do and lead by example. It is not right, but now there is away to allow healing to happen. If you hold it in or hide, it eats you alive.

Some grow to be angry, impulsive adults, some turn to drugs, and/or self harming. When I look at people, most look sick and unhappy, but accept that is the way life is supposed to be and it is not. It is the version we have accepted as truth because it is all we know.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 07-06-2017, 09:58 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 968
Thanks: 175
Thanked 1,044 Times in 545 Posts
Default

Sometimes it helps to look at your parents as broken people. With all their judgements, rules, and expectations, they seeing as loving the way they know how to love. Again, doesnt mean it is right. Based on what you have written, I grew up in a similar manner, but as I grew older I learned all their skeletons and I saw them as human.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 07-06-2017, 10:39 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

Sometimes I do see some of their ideas (other than the abuse itself) as wrong or, more exactly, I see that there is more to life than the things my parents valued so much. People without degrees and other people my parents wouldn't have liked can, and often are, wonderful people. Widespread education for everyone was not always the norm, although it is true that my paternal family has been highly educated for generations.

I realize that my parents must have had issues of their own (they only divorced a few years ago). My mother may have been so obsessed about status and education precisely because, on her side, the social promotion was more recent. Her father was the first one in her family to rise from poverty to some kind of modest wealth, and she and her siblings were the first generation to get degrees. So it's not just about me. They must have been frustrated and sometimes they seemed to be living in their own bubble.

I can't help feeling that way to this day, but sometimes I do think that after my parents kicked me out, I didn't have to worry about what they thought about the fact that I did not have a degree. Mind you, it's not that education is bad either, and if that contributed to my motivation, so be it. But maybe I should have stopped caring about their opinions so much and trying to gain their approval, or less disapproval, earlier than I did. They did tend to avoid airing the dirty laundry and to somehow convince me that it is my duty to do whatever they thought was in their interest, or in the interest of the family group. Not to apply for student loans that could end up costing them money, for example, although they ended up paying my tuition anyway.

I did have some kind of positive maternal figure as a child, but it was my paternal grandmother. She used to be a teacher, so she was quite nice. She lived with us until I was about 16, and for a few years I used to spend some time during the summer at her own house.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 07-06-2017, 11:41 PM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is online now
Site Moderator Gone Mad

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 8,187
Thanks: 10,555
Thanked 13,880 Times in 5,340 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
What do you mean, work? Like, seeing some therapist who knows my true identity and gets to see me in person, and wasting my money for the privilege? [...]You'll never catch me in that kind of place ever again if I can help it!
I can't help but point out the irony in how you're using this forum coupled with the line you used when you denounced therapy.

Perhaps the new world of online counseling or text therapy might be of interest to you one day.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 07-07-2017, 12:26 AM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

But is that anonymous? If so, it may be a good idea, otherwise not. Also, I do not want interactive things that may interrupt me when I've got work to do or before I've settled in (before making coffee, for example), or things like chats where I have to remain there for the whole duration of the conversation and perhaps even type fast or use abbreviations and acronyms.

On a blog or forum, I can appear (or not) at my own convenience and type full sentences. I'm not texting and don't even own a cell phone. I'm using email on a desktop computer and accept phone calls on a landline, mostly for business purposes. My home phone line is transferred to the office. It never gets answered when I'm actually home. When I'm not at work, where I tend to be a lot, I'm just not available, that's all. I'm using Facebook on a limited basis, almost exclusively as a business tool and a proof that I exist, such as when I had an issue with the bank and they didn't return my calls. Comments like the things I said here are certainly not there.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-07-2017, 09:57 AM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,383
Thanks: 3,986
Thanked 19,682 Times in 7,092 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
But is that anonymous? If so, it may be a good idea, otherwise not. Also, I do not want interactive things that may interrupt me when I've got work to do or before I've settled in (before making coffee, for example), or things like chats where I have to remain there for the whole duration of the conversation and perhaps even type fast or use abbreviations and acronyms.

On a blog or forum, I can appear (or not) at my own convenience and type full sentences. I'm not texting and don't even own a cell phone. I'm using email on a desktop computer and accept phone calls on a landline, mostly for business purposes. My home phone line is transferred to the office. It never gets answered when I'm actually home. When I'm not at work, where I tend to be a lot, I'm just not available, that's all. I'm using Facebook on a limited basis, almost exclusively as a business tool and a proof that I exist, such as when I had an issue with the bank and they didn't return my calls. Comments like the things I said here are certainly not there.
maybe if you put a little effort into trying to find an appropriate therapeutic solution, you'd get more out of therapy. Quit expecting everybody else to do the work for you.

You have the same intellectual laziness when it comes to topics like therapy, hospitalization, partner domestic violence, and child abuse. As a result, you hurt people. It's one thing that you're hurting yourself, spending your time isolated in your victim-hood, but quite another when you hurt others because of your deliberate ignorance. No matter what class background a person has, they have a right to ask questions here without being hurt by somebody offering up dreck based on her assumptions. It is one thing to hit somebody up with cold, hard reality, and I've been accused of being mean for doing precisely that. It is quite another thing to deliberately cause harm to others with opinions founded in fantasy.

And, just like your parents' abuse, you could eschew your classism as well. It serves no real purpose as you make fundamental assumptions about people here. There are plenty of people here who are from even more privileged backgrounds than you, plenty from similar backgrounds. Plenty are not classists, or people who hide behind classism to justify choices they've made.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
DanielsWyf (07-07-2017), ElizaB (07-08-2017), miamac (07-07-2017), safran (07-07-2017)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Abuse in St. Louis Jails-Report Morris1 Missouri Prison & Criminal Justice News, Legislation & Events 3 03-29-2009 06:07 PM
How or where does one report abuse within the walls longtime12 Illinois Prison & Jail Visitation, Phones, Packages & Mail 3 08-04-2006 07:30 AM
Special Report-sexual Abuse Behind Bars mabear Michigan Prison and Legal News & Events 5 05-22-2005 01:21 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:56 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics