Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > RESOURCE CENTER > Domestic Violence
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Domestic Violence News and information relating to domestic violence in general. Please post here if you don't see a sub-forums that fits better.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-03-2017, 12:02 PM
tryingtoheal tryingtoheal is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: CA USA
Posts: 32
Thanks: 1
Thanked 33 Times in 14 Posts
Default Need support, should I testify against abuser?

hello to anyone here on the dv forum.
me and my boyfriend have been together over 2.5 years, after about 8 months in began to be abusive to me, first verbally (put downs, names telling me to shut up, then yelling screaming, then broke a couple items etc, after about 10 months first time he hit me, some time went by everything was ok, some really good times, loved each other together all the time etc etc. then the first really bad incident happened, and on and on it went, got worse to include punching me hard multiple times in the head and face, he never really punched me for the most part any other places like my arms, he mostly for some reason when he would go off would end up hitting me in face punching me in the head and temples, I believe it caused me a mild tbi.....anywyas he crossed the line and began to sometimes do it when we were out in public in the car parked somewhere or driving....I had pleaded with him to agree to go to counseling, once he himself offered to go to a batterer program and I felt such relief like we had a breakthrough and there was hope, but he changed his mind saying I had to work on "my issues", when he would hit me I never hit back or even ever got verbal back, I would just try to calm him down or try to get out of it like saying sorry he was upset and I could go somewhere til he calmed down but he never let me and just ended up trying to protect myself covering my head or face

then about three months before he ended up getting arrested he had begun at times when he would go off, he would go for my throat and start choking me. He became totally unpredictable and more violent in the 3-4 months leading up to his arrest....he already had two strike priors and I had warned him if he did that in public someone might call the police and he could get busted, but I had no idea a dv charge could land him in place he is now found himself...he knew himself bc he sometimes worried out loud saying that since hes a two striker if he got caught it could be a huge problem but then at the same time when he would go off in public I waould warn him someone is gonna call the police and he would yell he didn't care who saw or did what...several times he had close calls where other driver yelled out she was calling police, once outside an aa meeting in parking lot in the car he hit me and another man challenged to hit him instead and he left..and a couple other times where strangers tried to intervene and he got away with it. In March there was a really close call for him where once again a driver had called without us knowing, after seeing him hitting me in traffic...we were sitting in a store parking lot when a police car pulled in back of us and questioned us, as usual I was too scared and also felt a misguided loyalty to protect him, plus he was probably close enough to hear some of what I might say so I covered for him and the police shook their head and left...BUT then one day about two months ago he was going off on me at a park, sitting in car, not many people around, and a young woman pulled up and yelled out to him that she already called the police....he tried to make a run for it but they caught him a couple blocks away...hes been in jail since

the d.a. filed it as felony...they are wanting me to testify at a hearing soon...I am overwhelmed with ptsd and anxiety pretty much every day, sdome days better than others, some are just like a fight for me to make it through to next day....I cant decide yet it if I should or not-- I know it will be super triggering and traumatic for me to go to court with him and his family and aa buddies there the ones who apparently think its ok to beat up your girlfriend as long as you stay sober(heavy sarcasm...).....d.a. kind of hinted its important for me to cooperate for them to convict but what if I go through that hell of being traumatized on the stand and whatever his lawyer says which I'm guessing he will try to question if it was that bad or that I somehow made him mad, etc etc??

Can anyone weigh in with their thoughts how really good an idea it is for a dv victim to testify, no guarantees I could testify and they could still make some plea deal or who knows, his lawyer could pull a fast one or whatever...the probation dept officer told me she knows the judge and hes usually goes down pretty hard in dv cases but she also said theres not a guarantee what might happen etc...
thank you
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 07-03-2017, 02:10 PM
Trantham's Avatar
Trantham Trantham is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: May 2012
Location: Huntsville, Alabama
Posts: 88
Thanks: 95
Thanked 157 Times in 62 Posts
Default

I would recommend that you talk to the victim's services people. The DA's office should be able to get you in touch with that group. Those folks should be able to give you more information on what is likely to happen in the courtroom.

I also can share that in my experience it was hugely freeing for me to show up and testify. I had to do it on multiple occasions. It was never easy. I never enjoyed it. I was scared to do it each time. But each time I did it it was one more step away from him and one more step toward the future. Good luck to you whatever you decide.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Trantham For This Useful Post:
dtmom2013 (07-12-2017), fiat_nox (07-05-2017), Minor activist (07-03-2017), patchouli (07-05-2017), rnsgaig (07-05-2017), safran (07-03-2017)
  #3  
Old 07-03-2017, 03:47 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is online now
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 23,352
Thanks: 5,451
Thanked 27,484 Times in 10,035 Posts
Default

Do yourself a favor and go not just to victims services, but also to a domestic abuse agency. Start getting some counseling, get your brain checked out for that TBI, get a list of witnesses together (who have seen you getting hit or shortly after, and those who have heard you contemporaneously tell them about his behavior, etc.

You bet you testify! You don't try to be nice, don't try to sand down the edges of the raw pain he caused to make anything easier for him. He knew it was coming, and he kept injuring you anyway. You give that DA everything! and I mean everything s/he needs for a conviction!!!

This is going to be healthy for your future; you will have stood up for yourself, for abuse victims in general, and you will have begun a break from your psychic trauma. It's only a beginning, because you have had a long time to develop serious problems. Therapy for a year or so will bring you a long way back.

Go in, talk to the DA, testify about your sorrows, fears, anger, terror and start a new life!
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
Critter07 (07-03-2017), dtmom2013 (07-12-2017), fiat_nox (07-05-2017), JustBeingMe67 (07-05-2017), maytayah (07-03-2017), NewTexGal (07-05-2017), patchouli (07-05-2017), safran (07-03-2017)
  #4  
Old 07-03-2017, 07:24 PM
tryingtoheal tryingtoheal is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: CA USA
Posts: 32
Thanks: 1
Thanked 33 Times in 14 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
Do yourself a favor and go not just to victims services, but also to a domestic abuse agency. Start getting some counseling, get your brain checked out for that TBI, get a list of witnesses together (who have seen you getting hit or shortly after, and those who have heard you contemporaneously tell them about his behavior, etc.

You bet you testify! You don't try to be nice, don't try to sand down the edges of the raw pain he caused to make anything easier for him. He knew it was coming, and he kept injuring you anyway. You give that DA everything! and I mean everything s/he needs for a conviction!!!

This is going to be healthy for your future; you will have stood up for yourself, for abuse victims in general, and you will have begun a break from your psychic trauma. It's only a beginning, because you have had a long time to develop serious problems. Therapy for a year or so will bring you a long way back.

Go in, talk to the DA, testify about your sorrows, fears, anger, terror and start a new life!

thank you ,....my fears are that his private attorney will rake me over the coals, question my account, imply that I "made him mad", or have some family or close friend make bleep up?
Also I get panicky at the thought of seeing him and anyone there whos there to support him, I'm afraid mentally what it might do to me especially if after all that his lawyer pulls some stunt and you know the d.a. might flake out and take some lame plea deal, who knows?
I know if I do it I will need at least a few people there to be support for me, I will be holding a photograph of my dad who past away to feel he is with me having my back like he did in life....he was very courageous man I try to borrow from his example and be strong and fight
I'm so glad I found this forum if I can will check in regularly
I have a constant vibrating noise in my head that started after one time he beat me all over my head, a doctor did a catscan and dismissed the vibration I hear in my head as anxiety and gave me some pills but I still hear it on the medication...my gut feeling is it had to have caused some damage esp because there were more than one time he punched me multiple times in the head, I happen to have very good health and strong that probably helped me out
I'm very worried, wish this could soon be behind me so I can at least try to heal and eventually move forward in my life--this was not my dream for my life
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-03-2017, 09:44 PM
CenTexLyn CenTexLyn is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: TX-US
Posts: 14,092
Thanks: 513
Thanked 9,777 Times in 5,512 Posts
Default

If the defense attorney tries to paint you as the one to blame for 'making him mad,' then the attorney is not worth a damn. Juries tend not to like the 'blame the victim' defense, especially with the heightened awareness that domestic violence is getting through the professional sports leagues.

You need to put the relationship part behind you and move forward as a victim of that asshole's behavior. Moving forward includes doing your part to protect others from his conduct, which necessarily includes testifying in a manner that is truthful and allows the jury (or the judge if a bench trial) to impose a meaningful consequence.
Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to CenTexLyn For This Useful Post:
Critter07 (07-07-2017), dtmom2013 (07-12-2017), fiat_nox (07-07-2017), JustBeingMe67 (07-05-2017), MizzyMuffling (08-10-2017), rnsgaig (07-05-2017), sidewalker (07-06-2017), yourself (07-05-2017)
  #6  
Old 07-03-2017, 09:45 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is online now
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 23,352
Thanks: 5,451
Thanked 27,484 Times in 10,035 Posts
Default

Read THIS sticky - it's about how to handle court, and it may help.

There will be a restraining order put in place if you ask for one. It should ban all contact between his family/friends and you. So document everything - time, place, names.

As to your fears about what his attorney might do - make sure the DA has all police reports, and any calls from outsiders about his assaults on you. Any and all hospital records.

Courts are much more familiar with the ins and outs of domestic violence now than they used to be. "She made me hit her" doesn't fly far with judges. And any defense lawyer who goes off on a victim may make things worse for his client than otherwise.

Yes, the worst can happen, but the very worst possibility is that he would kill you. So speak loud, even if your voice shakes!
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
Critter07 (07-07-2017), DanielsWyf (07-06-2017), fiat_nox (07-07-2017), Minor activist (07-05-2017), patchouli (07-05-2017)
  #7  
Old 07-05-2017, 02:20 AM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

In your place, I would simply disappear from his life, with or without a restraining order, but I would not testify.

I'm not saying that either choice is wrong. It's just that, personally, I wouldn't want to make anybody's legal troubles any worse than they would otherwise be. Mind you, they may have been well earned. That's not the point. Still, I can't bear the thought that someone may be spending time in prison, or more time than he otherwise would have, because of me.

Getting arrested, spending some time in jail and then maybe even getting some kind of conviction is still something. He's not just getting away with no repercussions, so why help the prosecutor and the judge make them worse? The prosecutor is not your friend and extra punishment won't necessarily change this guy. Even if it did, in my humble opinion, it would be too late because by then this relationship would be history.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-05-2017, 05:33 AM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is online now
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 23,352
Thanks: 5,451
Thanked 27,484 Times in 10,035 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
It's just that, personally, I wouldn't want to make anybody's legal troubles any worse than they would otherwise be. Mind you, they may have been well earned. That's not the point. Still, I can't bear the thought that someone may be spending time in prison, or more time than he otherwise would have, because of me.

Getting arrested, spending some time in jail and then maybe even getting some kind of conviction is still something. He's not just getting away with no repercussions, so why help the prosecutor and the judge make them worse?
Wow! SHE is not making anything worse - she has been severely injured, both physically and psychically - by a man who expressed only the opinion that she would be getting more of same. That person is not safe , not just for her but for all those around him. HE did it. HIM. All by himself, and nobody pushed him into it or egged him on or offered him money or fame to beat her. It's inside his head that he's convinced he is permitted to do this when his ego is involved. And there are no courses of medication or talk therapy that works to end this thinking.

The, and from my research, the ONLY behavior modifier that has shown an actual lowering of assault incidents has been incarceration. Mind you that doesn't stop the verbal or all of the physical, just some of it.

In other words, you are putting the pressure on HER for being a victim, to have her take responsibility for the severity of his punishment, when it needs to be as severe as possible to prevent as many future incidents as possible!

That's just bassackwards.
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 17 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
CenTexLyn (07-05-2017), Critter07 (07-07-2017), DanielsWyf (07-06-2017), dtmom2013 (07-12-2017), ElizaB (07-08-2017), fiat_nox (07-05-2017), JustBeingMe67 (07-05-2017), LifeTraveler (07-05-2017), Marseille (07-06-2017), MizzyMuffling (08-10-2017), nancyginnm (07-05-2017), NewTexGal (07-05-2017), priceam (07-05-2017), rnsgaig (07-05-2017), safran (07-05-2017), WARWICKSHIRE (09-04-2017), xolady (08-09-2017)
  #9  
Old 07-05-2017, 07:20 AM
JustBeingMe67's Avatar
JustBeingMe67 JustBeingMe67 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 5,315
Thanks: 818
Thanked 1,694 Times in 837 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
In your place, I would simply disappear from his life, with or without a restraining order, but I would not testify.

I'm not saying that either choice is wrong. It's just that, personally, I wouldn't want to make anybody's legal troubles any worse than they would otherwise be. Mind you, they may have been well earned. That's not the point. Still, I can't bear the thought that someone may be spending time in prison, or more time than he otherwise would have, because of me.

Getting arrested, spending some time in jail and then maybe even getting some kind of conviction is still something. He's not just getting away with no repercussions, so why help the prosecutor and the judge make them worse? The prosecutor is not your friend and extra punishment won't necessarily change this guy. Even if it did, in my humble opinion, it would be too late because by then this relationship would be history.
Because the SOB should rot in there...he beat her more than once and she should protect him from getting more time? Seriously, until you have had your ass beat repeatedly or even near death, you have no clue what abused people go through.

I hope they hang his ass and he gets HIS beat while doing his time!!!
__________________
Be Real, Be You
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to JustBeingMe67 For This Useful Post:
DanielsWyf (07-06-2017), MizzyMuffling (08-10-2017), NewTexGal (07-05-2017), priceam (07-05-2017), safran (07-05-2017), WARWICKSHIRE (09-04-2017)
  #10  
Old 07-05-2017, 07:57 AM
rnsgaig rnsgaig is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: California
Posts: 368
Thanks: 524
Thanked 524 Times in 238 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
In your place, I would simply disappear from his life, with or without a restraining order, but I would not testify.

I'm not saying that either choice is wrong. It's just that, personally, I wouldn't want to make anybody's legal troubles any worse than they would otherwise be. Mind you, they may have been well earned. That's not the point. Still, I can't bear the thought that someone may be spending time in prison, or more time than he otherwise would have, because of me.

Getting arrested, spending some time in jail and then maybe even getting some kind of conviction is still something. He's not just getting away with no repercussions, so why help the prosecutor and the judge make them worse? The prosecutor is not your friend and extra punishment won't necessarily change this guy. Even if it did, in my humble opinion, it would be too late because by then this relationship would be history.
This is the most absurd advice I have ever heard. Every minute that this creep is in prison is a minute that he is not beating the OP or whoever has the misfortune of getting involved with him next. He has two prior strikes. He knew the potential consequences of hitting her and chose to do it anyway. Nobody made this worse for him but HIM.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to rnsgaig For This Useful Post:
DanielsWyf (07-06-2017), fiat_nox (07-05-2017), JustBeingMe67 (07-05-2017), NewTexGal (07-05-2017), priceam (07-05-2017), safran (07-05-2017)
  #11  
Old 07-05-2017, 12:03 PM
tryingtoheal tryingtoheal is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: CA USA
Posts: 32
Thanks: 1
Thanked 33 Times in 14 Posts
Default

thanks all for your encouraging words and support....its very sad, just plain heartbreaking that our relationship that meant so much and I really tried so hard is now resulting in a hearing possibly a trial where they want me to testify against the man I loved so much, and one of my biggest weak spots is being empathetic feeling sorry for other people what they went through, to my own downfall...so when someone implies its mean for me to testify that drums up all that voice in me questioning myself, am i being mean..etc....

prisonlady, i realize obviously i dont know you at all, but reading your post i wondered if maybe you have a son or someone close to you that had been abusive and arrested for it, and maybe if that has to do with why you feel sympathy for the abuser, in recommending that I not testify so he doesnt get in anymore trouble?
I feel so shaky in my own self, so unsure of myself and my feelings, i feel like im in the middle of the ocean---please God let there be a shoreline soon where i can have peace, healing and not carry around so much deep pain and trauma....it is a daily fight
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to tryingtoheal For This Useful Post:
nimuay (07-05-2017)
  #12  
Old 07-05-2017, 12:08 PM
Minor activist Minor activist is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 1,255
Thanks: 768
Thanked 1,058 Times in 588 Posts
Default

>Every minute that this creep is in prison is a minute that he is not beating the OP or whoever has the misfortune of getting involved with him next

And every year he's inside is a year closer to him getting old enough to be less dangerous when he's released.

OP, I've never been through spousal abuse but I know from experience (that I won't talk about) that what causes the most pain later is having not pursued justice.

The Bible says "Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free". Telling the truth can also make you free. Telling the truth in public, to people who can act on it? Even better.

So his friends may show up. So they find out something about their friend. If they give you the slightest trouble, complain to the court about witness intimidation and watch a mountain of consequences fall on them.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Minor activist For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-07-2017)
  #13  
Old 07-05-2017, 12:19 PM
Minor activist Minor activist is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 1,255
Thanks: 768
Thanked 1,058 Times in 588 Posts
Default

>being empathetic feeling sorry for other people what they went through

That's not a weakness!

There's a police use of force instructor named Massad Ayoob who wrote that he's felt sorry for everyone he's ever arrested. It didn't stop him from protecting others, of course.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Minor activist For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-07-2017), rnsgaig (07-05-2017)
  #14  
Old 07-05-2017, 05:50 PM
yourself yourself is online now
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,388
Thanks: 3,990
Thanked 19,695 Times in 7,096 Posts
Default

Look, talk with the Victim's Rights Advocate and the prosecutor. Make sure you take your own support system with you to court. They can help you by being there and sharing the experience with you as well as run interference when it comes to any AA nabob who thinks he can get in your face about this.

Testify. Testify openly and honestly about your experiences. You're going to get subpoenaed, so no matter what the likes of PrisonLady say, not testifying is breaking the law and could subject you to jail time. Anybody who suggests you should knowingly and willingly violate the law to give your ex another chance to abuse you or somebody else has a real problem.

get into as much domestic violence counseling as you can NOW. The more you do the quicker you get to it, the sooner some of those nightmare and anxiety symptoms will start to dissipate. The worst thing you can do right now is stay isolated with your imagination. The best thing you can do is join into counseling and group therapy so that you speak these things out loud, share your experiences, hear the experiences of others, and can recognize what is going to happen, what is likely to happen, and what is your imagination running away with you. You'll learn some new coping skills as well. It's totally a good thing, especially leading up to testifying.

The judge is there to help protect the witness. S/H's even got a box of Kleenex on his desk, if there's not one in the witness box with you. If you need a break, ask. If s/he asks you if you need a minute to compose yourself, it's not a slight. If you cry, it's okay - you aren't the first. Judges know these sorts of things, and your sort of testimony can be highly emotional and highly triggering. A judge is not going to think poorly of you for crying. No courtroom personnel will think poorly of you for crying. Get your story out - it's the best way to heal - knowing you've protected others, knowing you had the courage to stand up in court and tell your story.

Court does not end your journey of healing. You need to stay committed to counseling for at least a year to get what you can out of it. At least a year, usually more.

But, you are well on your way. Just start putting your own needs ahead of his, and keep at it. Take support with you to testify. Get as much support as you can through victim's rights. A lot of DV programs have victim's right advocates who will also go with you. Do not do this alone because you are not alone in all of this.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
DanielsWyf (07-06-2017), ElizaB (07-08-2017), fiat_nox (07-05-2017), nimuay (07-05-2017), safran (07-06-2017), sidewalker (07-06-2017)
  #15  
Old 07-05-2017, 08:01 PM
Minor activist Minor activist is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 1,255
Thanks: 768
Thanked 1,058 Times in 588 Posts
Default

The defense attorney has rules to follow and if s/he tries to pull anything, it will be something the prosecutor and judge have seen hundreds of times before.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Minor activist For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-07-2017), nimuay (07-05-2017)
  #16  
Old 07-05-2017, 09:46 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

So far for ultimately protecting the victim even though the victim has the status of a simple witness, like anybody else who may have been there and seen what the defendant was doing. Someone may have tried to cajole the victim into cooperating (it looks bad when the victim is reluctant to testify), but the fact remains that the trial is not about doing what's right for the victim. It's just an exercise of state power against someone who broke the government's rules (the law), with the willing, unwilling or reluctant help of the victim. It's the use of the power of the State against helpless citizens that I don't like. An uncooperative victim may fall victim to that power too, if forced to testify or punished for not doing so.

I didn't say that earlier because I didn't want to look even more like someone who may sympathize with the defendant. Because, while he is the one who put himself in this situation, the fact is that I don't really like the power to break down doors or otherwise ambush citizens and drag them off to jail (or to put them in a position where they have no choice but to turn themselves in), or the power to then decide to steal their lives for a number of years. The world is large enough to allow victims and abusers to just part ways and never see each other again or know each other's location.

It's not that the defendant in this case and many other defendants are innocent people oppressed for no reason (although that too happens sometimes). The problem is that this kind of power is, in fact, oppressive. I don't think any government or organization should have that kind of power. Maybe that used to make more sense in the past, when running away, hiding or assuming a fake identity and then remaining free for some time was not nearly impossible like it is nowadays.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-05-2017, 10:30 PM
yourself yourself is online now
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,388
Thanks: 3,990
Thanked 19,695 Times in 7,096 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
So far for ultimately protecting the victim even though the victim has the status of a simple witness, like anybody else who may have been there and seen what the defendant was doing. Someone may have tried to cajole the victim into cooperating (it looks bad when the victim is reluctant to testify), but the fact remains that the trial is not about doing what's right for the victim. It's just an exercise of state power against someone who broke the government's rules (the law), with the willing, unwilling or reluctant help of the victim. It's the use of the power of the State against helpless citizens that I don't like. An uncooperative victim may fall victim to that power too, if forced to testify or punished for not doing so.

I didn't say that earlier because I didn't want to look even more like someone who may sympathize with the defendant. Because, while he is the one who put himself in this situation, the fact is that I don't really like the power to break down doors or otherwise ambush citizens and drag them off to jail (or to put them in a position where they have no choice but to turn themselves in), or the power to then decide to steal their lives for a number of years. The world is large enough to allow victims and abusers to just part ways and never see each other again or know each other's location.

It's not that the defendant in this case and many other defendants are innocent people oppressed for no reason (although that too happens sometimes). The problem is that this kind of power is, in fact, oppressive. I don't think any government or organization should have that kind of power. Maybe that used to make more sense in the past, when running away, hiding or assuming a fake identity and then remaining free for some time was not nearly impossible like it is nowadays.
The problem with this statement is that abusers frequently do not allow victims to just part ways. The most risky time for a victim is when the victim leaves the abuser. This is the time that the victim frequently risks death. The next most risky time for the victim is when the victim gets into another relationship. After that, the marriage of the victim. And this is only when the abuser leaves the victim alone long enough that the victim is able to get into a relationship. The abuse goes from stalking to destruction of property, punctured car tires, hacked social media, to physical abuse that just gets worse. The world is not big enough when an abuser will not let go, and frequently the abuser will not let go.

The power of the state in these cases is appropriate. I wish the State would step in when an abuser is intent on revictimizing his victim even after years and years in prison. Forensic psych units are for that purpose.

The power of the state is awesome, sure, but it's nothing compared to an abuser breaking into your house.

The woman needs to testify and hope that her abuser is the kind who settles down over time and chooses to let go before he gets out of prison. She also needs to make sure that order of protection is there and that she uses VINE to make sure she's updated on all movements of her abuser. Seriously, the State is not enough in these cases, though having the weight of the State to step in and force him into jail/prison when he violates a protective order is amazingly important.
Reply With Quote
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
dtmom2013 (07-12-2017), ElizaB (07-08-2017), fiat_nox (07-05-2017), LifeTraveler (07-06-2017), marco1969 (07-07-2017), nimuay (07-06-2017), rnsgaig (07-06-2017), safran (07-06-2017), xolady (08-09-2017)
  #18  
Old 07-05-2017, 11:06 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

But why isn't the offender forced to go teach English in Asia without being allowed to return for a few years, to live on probation with a tracking bracelet in Alaska or otherwise just being kept safely away from the victim, with no way to return but without having to live in prison? Why does the isolation from the victim have to be in the form of prison? There are people, such as probation officers, whose very job is to keep an eye on a number of individuals, so it's not just that it's not feasible or it costs too much. Prison costs money too, anyway.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-05-2017, 11:33 PM
fiat_nox's Avatar
fiat_nox fiat_nox is offline
still batshit crazy
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: the real world
Posts: 1,180
Thanks: 2,010
Thanked 1,151 Times in 562 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
But why isn't the offender forced to go teach English in Asia without being allowed to return for a few years, to live on probation with a tracking bracelet in Alaska or otherwise just being kept safely away from the victim, with no way to return but without having to live in prison? Why does the isolation from the victim have to be in the form of prison? There are people, such as probation officers, whose very job is to keep an eye on a number of individuals, so it's not just that it's not feasible or it costs too much. Prison costs money too, anyway.

It's clear you have no REAL compassion or you wouldn't be airing your agenda in this particular thread.

If you have nothing of use for the OP, preferably supportive, please just STFU.
Reply With Quote
The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to fiat_nox For This Useful Post:
CenTexLyn (07-06-2017), dtmom2013 (07-12-2017), ElizaB (07-08-2017), JustBeingMe67 (07-06-2017), marco1969 (07-07-2017), Marseille (07-06-2017), MizzyMuffling (08-10-2017), nimuay (07-06-2017), rnsgaig (07-06-2017), safran (07-06-2017), WARWICKSHIRE (09-04-2017), yourself (07-06-2017)
  #20  
Old 07-06-2017, 01:07 AM
Minor activist Minor activist is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 1,255
Thanks: 768
Thanked 1,058 Times in 588 Posts
Default

@tryingtoheal,

By coming to court and telling the truth about what he did, you are helping to keep people like me safer.

Want to guess what one thing is that a lot of mass shooters have in common? A history of domestic violence.

If you see a point in what @prisonlady says, you can and should write to your legislators about sentencing reform. Meantime you've got my support for testifying, and that's what this thread is about -- your decision, and our support.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Minor activist For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-07-2017), nimuay (07-06-2017), sidewalker (07-06-2017)
  #21  
Old 07-06-2017, 07:24 AM
CenTexLyn CenTexLyn is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: TX-US
Posts: 14,092
Thanks: 513
Thanked 9,777 Times in 5,512 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
But why isn't the offender forced to go teach English in Asia without being allowed to return for a few years, to live on probation with a tracking bracelet in Alaska or otherwise just being kept safely away from the victim, with no way to return but without having to live in prison? Why does the isolation from the victim have to be in the form of prison? There are people, such as probation officers, whose very job is to keep an eye on a number of individuals, so it's not just that it's not feasible or it costs too much. Prison costs money too, anyway.

With each passing thread, you demonstrate how little you know about domestic violence. They don't just have ONE victim. They have PATTERNS of victims, some of which end up dead. Removing them from society for a period of time is not simply about protecting the most recent victim but about also protecting other people from their abusive conduct.

Take your agenda elsewhere and carry it on somewhere where actual victims are not present. I'm sure you can find some group of anarchists that believe no punishment should ever occur for any offense that will welcome your with open arms...
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to CenTexLyn For This Useful Post:
ElizaB (07-08-2017), fiat_nox (07-06-2017), marco1969 (07-07-2017), MizzyMuffling (08-10-2017), safran (07-06-2017), xolady (08-09-2017)
  #22  
Old 07-06-2017, 08:00 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 28,837
Thanks: 49,696
Thanked 25,416 Times in 13,079 Posts
Default

As the others have said, this is all on him. No amount of you doing anything wrong gives anyone the right to beat the crap out of you. And Im not saying you DID do anything wrong. In fact just the opposite.

Wanted to mention that while its possible that the vibrating feeling you are experiencing in your ears could very well be stress related, it could also be from being hit in the head. I hope that feeling goes away soon for you. Please go get it checked out.

You mention he's got two strikes. Do you know if those were also dv instances?
If they were there are two more reasons you should testify against him. That right there shows you why its important. He wont be getting out if convicted and do this again to someone else.

Im so sorry you are struggling. Please do as suggested by a few others to get some help for you!!
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sidewalker For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-06-2017), marco1969 (07-07-2017), safran (07-06-2017)
  #23  
Old 07-06-2017, 11:28 AM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is online now
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 23,352
Thanks: 5,451
Thanked 27,484 Times in 10,035 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
But why isn't the offender forced to go teach English in Asia without being allowed to return for a few years, to live on probation with a tracking bracelet in Alaska or otherwise just being kept safely away from the victim, with no way to return but without having to live in prison? Why does the isolation from the victim have to be in the form of prison? There are people, such as probation officers, whose very job is to keep an eye on a number of individuals, so it's not just that it's not feasible or it costs too much. Prison costs money too, anyway.
Well, for one thing, kicking a citizen out of the country is illegal. Tracking is always too late in the case of an attack on a person, and so are parole officers. All they can do is testify that the victim was already terrified of a particular person under their purview. Add in that there are no current treatments for abusers of the average sort - no medications, no talk therapy - and you're pretty much down to imprisonment as the only viable safety option.

Why is that so hard for you to understand? What don't you get about the fact that domestic violence abusers are serial offenders, that they go from one victim to the next to the next for as long as they're free?
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-06-2017), Marseille (07-06-2017), rnsgaig (07-06-2017), safran (07-06-2017)
  #24  
Old 07-06-2017, 11:37 AM
rnsgaig rnsgaig is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: California
Posts: 368
Thanks: 524
Thanked 524 Times in 238 Posts
Default

Incarceration is not just for the victim. It's for the potential future victims as well as a deterrent. The OP said that the abuser knew he had two strikes and could get put away for life if anyone found out. Yet he kept doing it. If he had known that the only thing that might happen to him is that he would get a free trip to Alaska, the OP probably would not be here to tell her story.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to rnsgaig For This Useful Post:
fiat_nox (07-06-2017), nimuay (07-06-2017)
  #25  
Old 07-06-2017, 11:54 AM
tryingtoheal tryingtoheal is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: CA USA
Posts: 32
Thanks: 1
Thanked 33 Times in 14 Posts
Default

Wow...very bizarre reasoning prisonlady poster person--so even violent offenders (as above poster pointed out the absurdity of) is YOUR genius idea is that violent offenders should be granted a free trip to alaska or to teach reading in another country? Have I stepped into the Twilight zone?
I understand and agree with the idea that some non violent offenders should have prision time diverted But, prisonlady if you believe violent offenders should simply be relocated, that is a path that wont end good...relocating doesnt cure them or stop them from assaulting or even (like what does happen in domestic violence--killing their victim)
Maybe you could make up some travel brochures (yes apply heavy sarcasm here) for those who have assaulted, or raped or killed another person to be sent on a trip to the beautiful wild of alaska

sorry I had to get that off my chest
no actually im not sorry

also you never answered my question (not that you have to but it does raise the question) if you have had someone like a son brother etc who commited domestic violence?

Yes for emotional reasons I am struggling with whether to testify a bit-- reliving the trauma, being perhaps revictimized by some lawyer who may try to shift blame on me or question my honesty if i cant recall every date or time, etc, BUT my reason for struggling is not at all the bizarre belief that those who are violent should be relocated....its true his priors have to do with assault when by the way he lived SOMEWHERE ELSE...
apparently moving here didnt cure him

thanks for making me feel s***** when i already struggle to heal

Last edited by tryingtoheal; 07-06-2017 at 12:08 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to tryingtoheal For This Useful Post:
dtmom2013 (07-12-2017), fiat_nox (07-06-2017), JustBeingMe67 (07-08-2017), Marseille (07-06-2017), nimuay (07-06-2017)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Am I just as much an a abuser as he is? davl007 Domestic Violence 14 09-04-2013 07:46 AM
What truly defines an abuser? eddanic1 Domestic Violence 6 04-09-2011 10:28 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:33 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics