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  #1  
Old 06-01-2017, 06:56 PM
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Exclamation I didn't know I was going into a Grand Jury/UPDATE

I'm really really just using this to vent. I finally called the cops on an abusive relationship. Basically I met this guy and since day one I became fully attached to him and drawn into his lies and manipulation. I know I'm already trying to justify myself and blame myself for being with him only for 6 months but please hear me out....

Long story short we had a misscarriage naturally and we became extremely attached to each other. It became so unhealthy that I just wanted to finally be done with him except I could not leave. He lied so much about fucking other people, and caused me so much stress. I want to say he was more so emotionally and physically Abusive.

Anyways I finally called the domestic violence officer on him and they arrested him in my home. My abuser placed a knife by my neck and choked me in a threatening way. He was very manipulative. He told me he would fucking killl me then killl him self. He then grabbed two plastic bags. First bag he put over my head and the second was a trash bag over my head. He wouldn't let me leave my apartment and forced me to go to sleep.

I've told this story so much today that it stared to become a blur. I can't even remember details, I felt like I was being judged by the grand jury because they asked questions that I could not answer to he DA. I was told I cannot be too detailed. It hurt because I felt like I was helping him out and also trying to defend myself. I've never experience this before in my life.

I am now depressed because I hate that I called the cops on him but I just wanted him to leave me alone I was so done. But now hay he is gone I'm hurting because his life will most likely be ruined due to him being controlling. It also hurt because the grand jury was just all about facts and no emotion or detail. I didn't know I was going to speak in front of random people.

What happens next... I know my story isn't clear but what happens. Am I able to see my abuser? What happens if it goes to trial or is there a case where it won't go to trial and he just stays in jail and can't defend himself? What if it does go to trial and they bring evidence of things I've done to him? What if I start crying or I'm too honest that it becomes too much for the court.

I'll probably make another post because I'm obviously so distraught. I been crying every day because I just wish I never met this boy. Is it also possible that my evidence isn't clear enough that he could just get like 6 months ? Something so minor ?

Attached is the story I have to DA.. so you can get a better undefstandkng

Last edited by patchouli; 06-02-2017 at 07:48 AM.. Reason: removed attchment containing full names & personal information
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Old 06-01-2017, 07:00 PM
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I live in New York City
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Old 06-01-2017, 07:55 PM
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Bless you! Welcome. I have no experience with your type of situation but many women here do. You will find a world of support here. What you have done takes courage and I am proud of you.
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Old 06-02-2017, 09:04 AM
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rinarina......will you please reach out to a counselor?

Im so sorry you had to go thru that.
But you are thinking this is your fault. Its not. Most def not.
Im glad that you got out of this relationship.
Alive.
Now please get yourself to someone who can help you thru this.
Pretty sure that most counties have a domestic violence counselor to help you along.

You didnt do anything wrong. He did.
(and btw, no you wont be able to see him. It could hurt in more ways that one if you do)
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Old 06-02-2017, 12:00 PM
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Rina, New York has a good domestic abuse network. You can look HERE where you can find info for your particular area.

And you deeply need to talk to them. You've got some traumatic bonding (look it up!) that's still connecting you to him that can be gotten rid of. After all, he's in prison for his own behavior, his actions, his way of thinking. None of it is about you, but it takes a little while and a little help to get that understanding deep into your brain.
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Old 06-02-2017, 12:52 PM
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rinarina12:

I would like to say that you are NOT responsible for what is happening to him. The only one responsible for his actions is him. You did right by calling the police and I am thankful that you did not allow it to go on any further.

Do not blame yourself. While I understand that you had some real affection to this guy the threats and violence is a drop dead deal breaker! I sympathize with your loss, but urge you to treat it as a loss and move on.

If it will console you in any way, consider that the consequences he now faces for the threats and abuse he has done to you are far less than what he would face if/when he actually did kill you.

I urge you to accept that your relationship with this guy is now over. Do NOT send him mixed messages, cut ties with him completely. Don't be vengeful and try to hurt him, but don't try to protect him either.

Good luck

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Old 06-02-2017, 01:49 PM
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Thank you guys for reaching out. I know for a fact I need help. I've even gotten to the point where Everything I do reminds me of him. I can't even focus because every second my thoughts are on him. We were soooooo connected at hip that it's like I'm starting over. I can't imagine how I would be if the relationship was longer. Even though it was 6 months I feel like I lost a best friend. I know he looked at me as somewhat of a motherly figure and when he realized I was abandoning him he snapped. I don't want to be someone's mom. I want to be loved by someone that I love. I did so much for this guy and it hurt so bad that I stayed. Im driving myself crazy by thinking. I wake up in middle of night thinking he will text me. It's literally like a death of someone. I miss him so much. I need help.
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Old 06-02-2017, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by rinarina12 View Post
I did so much for this guy and it hurt so bad that I stayed. Im driving myself crazy by thinking. I wake up in middle of night thinking he will text me. It's literally like a death of someone. I miss him so much. I need help.
Habits are hard to break and being in an abusive relationship creates some whoppers of habits. When I was able to finally physically separate from mine, I worried about him all of the time. I worried he was in his tiny apartment drinking himself into a coma, I worried he would self harm, I worried he would spiral so far out of control he would have contact with law enforcement. And this was all over someone who threatened to kill themselves in front of me so I would "get it". Even though he posed a direct threat to me, I still had the habit in me to caregive for him.

Be patient with yourself. It is a little like a death and you will mourn the parts that genuinely felt good. And it is starting over in some sense because this has forever changed you. Part of starting over is letting yourself redefine what is and isn't allowed in your life and that can be a very empowering experience.
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Old 06-02-2017, 04:03 PM
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T Even though it was 6 months I feel like I lost a best friend. I know he looked at me as somewhat of a motherly figure and when he realized I was abandoning him he snapped. I don't want to be someone's mom. I want to be loved by someone that I love. I did so much for this guy and it hurt so bad that I stayed. Im driving myself crazy by thinking.
He did NOT look on you as a mother figure, he looked on you as a source of ego supply. As long as you were focusing totally on him, catering to every whim, soothing every imagined hurt, he was fine. When there was even an illusion of withdrawal of the approval you constantly gave, he was vile and violent. That's the normal pattern.
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Old 06-02-2017, 04:31 PM
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I forget which one of the regulars here says "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here".

That's what it feels like to end it though. It helped me enormously to read my copy of the request I made for a protection order. Every time I missed him, I read my words that I'd written when I was scared and hurt. I'd force myself to remember he was the one who made me feel that way.
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Old 06-02-2017, 06:06 PM
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Everything just happened so it's so hard to heal. Literally the day after I finally called domestic violence I went to work. I have yet been able to fullly heal and all I want to do is be with him. I just want to talk to him and see what gen has to say about all of this. He did not want me to leave him and he was so wrong for what he did but I feel like shit for calling the cops two days after the incident. He wouldn't leave my house and I just couldn't take it anymore... now I feel like maybe I could've handled it different like have as serious talk with him or something. He's 21. He's been in and out of jail. I feel so bad.
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Old 06-02-2017, 06:41 PM
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Every word you type says "Get to a therapist!" You shouldn't have had to 'handle' anything. And you certainly shouldn't feel bad for calling police when you felt seriously threatened and uncomfortable in your own home! Besides, having a 'serious talk' with an abuser never turns out well. They behave for a few days, and then your words - especially the ones that dinged his ego - come flying back at you, usually accompanied by implied or actual threats.

Now you know why he's been in and out of jail...can't get out of his own ego's way, can't learn. Pay attention, and YOU learn that this is so unhealthy that you have to patch the holes in your soul that were already there and now the ones he's put in it.
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:19 PM
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i honestly keep reading these messages over and over because it does help process everything. I am so drained and I keep having headaches. I plan on calling people Monday and see my options. I want to heal! I have so many other issues in my life and I just want to move past this. His case is moved until the 16 and I feel like if I don't get help now I'm going to try and contact where he is. I have all the info to where he is and I really don't want to get myself so low. I need to speak to someone but I'm also a very stubborn person. I am afraid that the sessions won't work. Do you suggest regular counseling or like a therapist? Idk I'm so tired
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Old 06-02-2017, 09:44 PM
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Call one of the domestic abuse agencies - they're specialists in the trauma of DV. They understand far better what the thought traps are, why they're there and how to get beyond them.

Keep in mind that your'e not the first person to go through this. Understand that it's so common that all sorts of people have a roadmap to get beyond it. You're not treading alone through uncharted wilderness.
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Old 06-02-2017, 09:49 PM
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You don't have to wait until Monday.
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Old 06-04-2017, 10:27 PM
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How do I not wait.
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Old 06-04-2017, 11:07 PM
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DV hotlines are usually manned (personed/womaned) 24/7.
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Old 06-17-2017, 09:08 PM
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Unhappy im venting.. update on "I didn't know I was going to Grand Jury"

I tried counceling on Friday. The same day he was suppose to have his court case ( so the inmate look up said). When I went it was so bad. My councler was like half sleep listening to the night he abused me.. I honestly felt humiliated. I don't even think it's going to help. Now I'm wondering if I should just go try therapy instead of hose resources from non profit places. Idk honestly.



But anyways.. does anyone understand the court system? I was told by the DA that the grand jury wants to proceed with the charges and she won't be in the office this week but I can leave a voicemail. What does that mean, why is he still detained and not sentenced? And now his court case is on the 30th. Why are they prolonging everything? I'm also getting paranoid because I have his phone and it said "unexpected attempt to login account" on one of his emails. I don't have his password so I can see anything further. Does this mean he has acccess to internet? Or maybe someone is just trying to log in his account. I'm getting so paranoid I need help. But I'm not liking the help that's given to me.

I been journaling like crazy! It helps for the moment but then when I'm in bed and no one to distract me I cry and just become so upset. I've been trying things like cleaning, talking to friends.

I'm just venting...
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Old 06-18-2017, 08:43 AM
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If that counselor isnt helping find another one.
and as far as everything taking so long........get used to it.
he's still detained because either he does not have bail money, or he's being held without bail.
Im not super clear on how the courts work but Im sure someone can come along and fill you in, better and more accurately.
He will need to be brought before the judge and charged. Not sure if that is when he pleas either guilty or not guilty.
Bail will be set. (or not, depending)
Then he will either post bail or wait until the next hearing.
Its a long process (usually)
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Old 06-18-2017, 02:41 PM
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You can go back to that therapist and speak your truth about how you felt in the last session. If he's any good, he'll take the hint and give you full attention and begin to help you find your way. If not, ask them for a woman therapist.

No relationship, even with a therapist, is built in one session. You spoke about the night of the incident, but there's so much more you have to talk about - the miscarriage, how trauma-bonded you are, your early history. Not about him, because this is therapy for YOU.

You do seem to feel negatively judged quite a bit, so that's something that definitely needs to be explored, probably under the 'early history' part of talking. That one is really important, because there's a recording playing in your head that seems to have a lot of 'you're not good enough' words on it, and you need help getting it to shut up!

Keep trying! It can be seriously painful, it can take a while (like a year or even more) but eventually it will be worthwhile, and you can move forward in wholeness, never to make the mistake of giving in to emotional or physical abuse again.
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Old 06-27-2017, 02:43 PM
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Every counselor isn't right for every person. Find one that works for you and stick with it. You won't get past any of this until you get help. It's wonderful that you know you need it and that you are seeking it out. Just don't give up!

You are not alone in having a disturbing meeting with a counselor. I had a terrible first meeting with one that came very highly recommended. It ended with me actually screaming at him because he was suggesting I spend money on something after I had just told him I wasn't sure I could pay for groceries.

You know what - he wasn't a good fit for me. I called the referral agency and got in with someone that totally "got" me.

It took a while for me to trust her enough to talk about things that mattered. It was also hard for me, at first, to stop talking about the abuser and focus on myself. When you've been abused (and emotionally abused definitely applies here) you start to think that your abuser is RIGHT about what they say about you. You start to think that if you were different they wouldn't "have" to treat you that way......that's wrong headed thinking and it's hard to stop. But the right counselor can and will help with that and help you see that you are so very valuable.

You can't do this on your own. It's very hard. You wouldn't expect to take care of yourself if you needed surgery for a physical illness. This is the exact same thing. Find a professional you trust and start working on getting past this and on to a life that is good for you. You deserve that.

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Old 06-27-2017, 09:10 PM
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Quote:
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I tried counceling on Friday. The same day he was suppose to have his court case ( so the inmate look up said). When I went it was so bad. My councler was like half sleep listening to the night he abused me.. I honestly felt humiliated. I don't even think it's going to help. Now I'm wondering if I should just go try therapy instead of hose resources from non profit places. Idk honestly.



But anyways.. does anyone understand the court system? I was told by the DA that the grand jury wants to proceed with the charges and she won't be in the office this week but I can leave a voicemail. What does that mean, why is he still detained and not sentenced? And now his court case is on the 30th. Why are they prolonging everything? I'm also getting paranoid because I have his phone and it said "unexpected attempt to login account" on one of his emails. I don't have his password so I can see anything further. Does this mean he has acccess to internet? Or maybe someone is just trying to log in his account. I'm getting so paranoid I need help. But I'm not liking the help that's given to me.

I been journaling like crazy! It helps for the moment but then when I'm in bed and no one to distract me I cry and just become so upset. I've been trying things like cleaning, talking to friends.

I'm just venting...
People gave great advice on the counseling part. I wanted to touch on the court part. It is going to take a while. He has to be indicted, then goes to conferences where there could be a deal, and if no deal then trial. Sentencing comes at the end. There can be stretches of time in between all these parts. I just want you know to know, so you can wrap your mind around it.
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Old 07-15-2017, 01:40 PM
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I just want to let you know that I totally understand what you're going through and I've been going through the same thing myself. I know what he did was wrong and I miss him every day I've lost 3 jobs in 4 months I cannot think I cannot focus and it really sucks but I'm trying to get through this I'm trying to get help and counseling. I also felt bad for calling the police and I felt like I could have handled it my own way but now I'm not too sure I'm not too sure of anything right now I feel like I'm losing my mind... I don't even know when I can see him again I don't even think I'm allowed to see him in prison so I have no idea. But do not blame yourself you did not cause a situation he did and that's what I have to remind myself also. I just want to let you know that I understand exactly what you're talking about I'm sending you a lot of love Good Vibrations and energy your way xx
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Old 07-20-2017, 11:21 PM
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I just want to let you know that I totally understand what you're going through and I've been going through the same thing myself. I know what he did was wrong and I miss him every day I've lost 3 jobs in 4 months I cannot think I cannot focus and it really sucks but I'm trying to get through this I'm trying to get help and counseling. I also felt bad for calling the police and I felt like I could have handled it my own way but now I'm not too sure I'm not too sure of anything right now I feel like I'm losing my mind... I don't even know when I can see him again I don't even think I'm allowed to see him in prison so I have no idea. But do not blame yourself you did not cause a situation he did and that's what I have to remind myself also. I just want to let you know that I understand exactly what you're talking about I'm sending you a lot of love Good Vibrations and energy your way xx
It's so hard. I just been going along with hebonlinenportal that tells me when his next court cate is. I am slowly letting go . But I still have my moments where I can't move on past the fact that he was never going to treat m e right . I'm a fighter and I will get through this.
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