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Old 07-15-2015, 07:10 PM
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Default Commitment phobia?.....

I have a question about a dating situation I was in, I was seeing this guy and things seemed to be going great. He would call, text, make plans and include me in all of his plans, I met his friends he met mine and we had a lot in common. He seems to only really open up when he has been drinking, he told me one night that he has commiment issues due to a bad childhood and home life. Both his parents were alcoholics and his dad would hit his mom and him, when he got older he would fight his dad, his mom died of liver sclerosis 4 years ago and he was crying after he told me, they were very close. He told me that he wants a relationship with me, and that he wishes he could change who he was and how he was.

He also told me, he has a pattern of being with women and then leaving them a few weeks later, we were slow with the sex stuff because he didn’t want this to happen with me, he never pushed or was forward..we took it slow and we were going to wait till he felt ready. He was still going on a dating site tho, and I saw female text messages in his phone that were sexual…which upset me. He said we didn’t have the were not going to talk to anyone else talk yet, so we did.

As I said he only really opened up when he was drinking, he once told me only his inner circle of friends really know who he is, he seems to be the guy he wants to be when he's drunk. when he was sober he was more closed off and kinda to himself, I sensed a sadness about him.I met one of his close female friends that he did this same thing too, except she got over it, and are now friends. He ended things very suddenly after saying he wanted a relationship and to spend his vacation at my house making dinners and being together. I didn't hear from him in 3 weeks, I texted and called at first, then I left it...feeling very confused. I texted one last message on Sunday, saying that I hope one day we talk, even if there's no interest, if he needed to talk I was there and no hard feelings. He finally texted back saying "is it cool to just be friends". I said I wanted to talk about everything, he said he was at the pub so I asked a question " did you feel something towards me that made you think it wouldn't work or is this commitment issues". I got no response...I always had the feeling that he didn't know who he was, and he always had to have plans, almost like he didn't want to be alone with himself...he said he likes to hang out with females more then guys( even tho he has guy friends) I felt that it was a way for him to have that female maternal feeling that he is missing from his mom. I have talked to a few councillors and they also think he has attachment pattern issues from his family orgin.

I know that there are red flags throughout this relationship, I saw them and ignored some...I Know this is him and not something I have caused or to do with me..but Im still confused. I have read a lot of articles about commitment phobia and he seems to fit the bill. I'm just struggling to get over this.
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Old 07-15-2015, 08:58 PM
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He has WAY more than commitment issues! This man is clearly an alcoholic. Personally, I think you are better off without him.
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Old 07-15-2015, 10:11 PM
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Drop him like he's a poisonous snake! Whatever his issues, beyond drinking, and beyond commitment, he's not a safe person, not for anyone. Dealing with that kind of person gives you only a life of chaos, destruction, distrust and depression.

Time to stop ignoring the red flags.

Time to stop consulting counselors about him. If you're going to counselors, talk about why this is attractive to you.

Time to stop using your own pop-psych analysis on him - it's just as likely that he hangs with women because men scare the shit out of him, or because he's lookong for his next hook-up, or a dozen others I could cook up.

Time to use your time on yourself, filling your time with people and things you can find truly rewarding.
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Old 07-15-2015, 11:49 PM
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Drop him like he's a poisonous snake! Whatever his issues, beyond drinking, and beyond commitment, he's not a safe person, not for anyone. Dealing with that kind of person gives you only a life of chaos, destruction, distrust and depression.

Time to stop ignoring the red flags.

Time to stop consulting counselors about him. If you're going to counselors, talk about why this is attractive to you.

Time to stop using your own pop-psych analysis on him - it's just as likely that he hangs with women because men scare the shit out of him, or because he's lookong for his next hook-up, or a dozen others I could cook up.

Time to use your time on yourself, filling your time with people and things you can find truly rewarding.
I agree, I just didn't like the feeling I had that it was me( I know these are things within myself I need to look at) I was also feeling upset that I didn't measure up. Again things I'm working on....thank you both for you're comments, it helps reading them. It's never a nice feeling when someone just drops you, even if they are like this guy...I was struggling with why, and why I didn't get an explanation...I needed one.
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Old 07-16-2015, 10:06 AM
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Some things are worth fighting for,I have never told anyone this apart from my psychiatrist but I was beaten and mentally abused every single day for the first 15 years of my life,I felt the most worthless piece of crap on earth by the time I was put in youth custody,I spiralled in to 10 years of drinking,drug abuse and many prison sentences,I was released on my 25th birthday from a 15 month prison and thought to myself "this is fcuking stupid"I sought help and turned my life around,set up many businesses over the years,got married to the most understanding woman on earth,started to live a normal life,travelled the world and started planning for the future,many people like the person you talk about have deep deep scars and can take an awful lot of work by professionals to heal them,so if you love someone sometimes out of the darkness comes light.
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Old 07-16-2015, 10:17 AM
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Im not sure he is ready for help, or if he even thinks he needs it. He just wants to be friends, and i cant be. He wont explain where he is coming from or talk about why he ended things...the only thing i can come up with is this is his pattern...will he meet à girl that he would change for? Were you out there meeting women when you went through everything? I feel compassion even when it is not deserved...
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Old 07-16-2015, 10:38 AM
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Me personally I had anything up to 5 or 6 girlfriends at the same time and they meant nothing to me,when you feel worthless you cannot picture anyone actually wanting to love you,it takes a lot of hard work and many many hours of sat in the psychiatric chair to come out the other end,the moment for me was being released on my 25th birthday I actually was sentenced on my 16th birthday to 9 months aswell,I felt like I had come full circle and it was a sign that I just had to seek help and stop the madness.
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Old 07-16-2015, 10:52 AM
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He's not there, and may never be...he doesnt break the law. He just drinks, and passes out. He has had involvement with the law, due to domestic fights between his patents.
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Old 07-16-2015, 11:04 AM
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It sounds like you already know the reality of the situation. He's an alcoholic and he isn't looking to change.

Even if he wakes up tomorrow and decides commitment is the only thing he wants, he cannot be in a functional, committed relationship at this point in his life. He has a LOT of personal work to do. It's ok to care about him, but I would steer clear of giving him your heart. He's not ready to protect it, as he's shown you.

Please don't put the blame on yourself. It's not about you, it's about him.

As an aside, breaking the law will eventually go hand in hand with addiction if it lasts long enough. Fights, public intoxication, public indeceny (why do men love to pee in public when they're drunk?), DWI, domestic violence...there are many ways to break the law when your addiction spirals out of control.

Last edited by WeepingWillow; 07-16-2015 at 11:07 AM..
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Old 07-16-2015, 11:20 AM
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It sounds like you already know the reality of the situation. He's an alcoholic and he isn't looking to change.

Even if he wakes up tomorrow and decides commitment is the only thing he wants, he cannot be in a functional, committed relationship at this point in his life. He has a LOT of personal work to do. It's ok to care about him, but I would steer clear of giving him your heart. He's not ready to protect it, as he's shown you.

Please don't put the blame on yourself. It's not about you, it's about him.

As an aside, breaking the law will eventually go hand in hand with addiction if it lasts long enough. Fights, public intoxication, public indeceny (why do men love to pee in public when they're drunk?), DWI, domestic violence...there are many ways to break the law when your addiction spirals out of control.
Very true, he has been asked to leave bars before for fighting..as for my heart..theres no contact anymore between us, so all i can do is move on.
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Old 07-16-2015, 11:36 AM
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Very true, he has been asked to leave bars before for fighting..as for my heart..theres no contact anymore between us, so all i can do is move on.
I only mention protecting your heart because, in my experience, once they feel safe with you they always try to come back.

You're doing the best you can. It's hard to move on. But time really does heal most wounds, and you'll be stronger and wiser from this experience.
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Old 07-16-2015, 12:00 PM
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I only mention protecting your heart because, in my experience, once they feel safe with you they always try to come back.

You're doing the best you can. It's hard to move on. But time really does heal most wounds, and you'll be stronger and wiser from this experience.


I felt like i was the one hounding him after he ended things so abruptly.. i sent à few texts asking what happened and one about how i felt, with no responce from him. This last text i sent after 3 weeks of nothing from him...he just wants to be friends...i think that was just à way to shut me up. I dont think he has any intrest with being friends or coming back.
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Old 07-16-2015, 12:01 PM
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So sorry girlie. It sounds like he wanted a relationship, but then fell back into the pattern he described himself to you in the beginning. I wish that hadn't happened. You seem really sweet, like you were trying to be there for him, but I think he is in need of more than that. He really needs to work through his issues with a professional before being in any relationship. You can't save everyone sweetie! If I were you, I would pray for him to get help, and then look for a positive relationship. If you start to feel the red flags flying, it's time to get out before you get hurt. Hang in there! You are worth it and there is someone out there who will love and respect you for who you are. Wait for it.

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Old 07-16-2015, 12:18 PM
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So sorry girlie. It sounds like he wanted a relationship, but then fell back into the pattern he described himself to you in the beginning. I wish that hadn't happened. You seem really sweet, like you were trying to be there for him, but I think he is in need of more than that. He really needs to work through his issues with a professional before being in any relationship. You can't save everyone sweetie! If I were you, I would pray for him to get help, and then look for a positive relationship. If you start to feel the red flags flying, it's time to get out before you get hurt. Hang in there! You are worth it and there is someone out there who will love and respect you for who you are. Wait for it.

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Thank you, i think and feel the exact same thing happened, which is why i find it hard. I was struggling with why the silence? Why just drop everything and say nothing...he still doesnt want to talk about anything.
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Old 07-16-2015, 12:42 PM
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With his upbringing, odds are he doesn't really know how to communicate properly. You can't expect a broken person to act like anything other than a broken person.

I'm not saying there's no hope - there's ALWAYS hope for change. But at the moment he's floundering.
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Old 07-16-2015, 01:21 PM
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Why ask to be friends? Hes able to communicate that. He did the same thing to the close female friend i met.
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Old 07-16-2015, 02:54 PM
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Can I also add something that was said to me by one of the top psychiatrists in the country that really put me at ease "everyone is born suspicious it is normal,alcohol and drugs increases that suspicion",may be small but I was always suspicious of everyone till I learnt that it was normal,then I didn't feel so strange at all,it is 1 of many things that most people don't know.
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Old 07-16-2015, 05:28 PM
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I wish he would get help, not even just for the drinking but for the painful stuff. I doubt he ever will. He's 35 and seems to distract himself with fun times.
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:11 AM
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How do you go from saying you want a relationship...wanting me to spend the weekend and meet other friends of his, him wanting to come to my house and while I'm at work, he stays with my dog and waits for me to get home to make dinners together....to complete silence to now just wanting to be friends..it confuses me as to WTH happened.
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:46 AM
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You are trying to get inside the mind of a broken person. Trying to get through that maze will never happen without hundreds of hours with a therapist.

You don't know why electrons do what they do, or what the largest prime number might be, or why we insist on categorizing others....but you manage to live without knowing and things go along fine. You won't know about his mind either, and you will still go along fine.

It's not your fault, so let it go.
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:51 AM
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Im having à hard time letting it go.
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Old 07-17-2015, 10:06 AM
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Would he just keep repeating this pattern, even if he meets someone new? I keep thinking some girl who comes along and is perfect for him will change him or something.
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Old 07-17-2015, 10:11 AM
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Im having à hard time letting it go.
You don't have to let go. You have to decide if you want to allow the chaos in your life of being manipulated with his excuse of alcoholism so he doesn't have to be responsible or answer to you about other sexual encounters. We alcoholics are master manipulators. We can flip the script to make you feel guilty of trying to control us so we can continue to practice in our addiction/ disease as some call it.
Personally, I think you should walk away and not look back. Infidelity with the alcoholic excuses aren't going to change. You deserve better. You deserve honesty.
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Old 07-17-2015, 10:56 AM
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Would he just keep repeating this pattern, even if he meets someone new? I keep thinking some girl who comes along and is perfect for him will change him or something.
The only one who could possibly be perfect for him is another practicing addict. And he probably still wouldn't stay that long.
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Old 07-17-2015, 04:35 PM
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Thank you, it's been hard for me. I keep trying to figure things out...which I know, I shouldn't.
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