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  #1  
Old 10-08-2014, 09:09 PM
rrwgirl rrwgirl is offline
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Default He is an addict... want advice

Sorry, I am new to this and never joined a forum in my life. I recently married a man that just went to prison and is a meth addict. He has been in prison for a few months now, he claims he is done using and is clean now and never wants to go back. Yet, also says its so easy to get in there. I love him and plan to be supportive but I dont want to be naive either. However, before his sentencing he was still using and didn't treat me very well... always gone, avoiding me, talking with other women, looking to hookup ect. He claimed it was because of the drugs and now he is glad he is in prison to get clean and wants nothing more than to have a future with me. Any advice?? I am still learning on communicating with him via letters, ect but when I share my fears about us he doesn't want me to say that in a letter.
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Old 10-08-2014, 09:15 PM
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Look into AlAnon and NarcAnon. Both are groups for loved ones of addicts. the meetings are free, you'll meet people in similar situations, or who've been where you are now, and you'll learn methods for dealing with addiction in a LO.
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Old 10-08-2014, 09:31 PM
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My fiancée is an addict and when he was arrested he was high very high and later I came to find out he was arrested with a hooker. He is now clean and I decided to give him a second chance but he knows that it's his last chance. Follow your heart is all I can say
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Old 10-08-2014, 09:40 PM
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... However, before his sentencing he was still using and didn't treat me very well... always gone, avoiding me, talking with other women, looking to hookup ect. He claimed it was because of the drugs and now he is glad he is in prison to get clean and wants nothing more than to have a future with me. Any advice?? .
Blah blah blah. Yeah, everyone on the inside has "seen the light". What absolute bullshit. All his drug buddies and women he was screwing around with have disappeared (surprise surprise!) and he wants to keep you around. Look, if he had seen the light he would have cleaned it up before SENTENCING.

So what? He wanted one last party before he went away for a while? What was it?

I say you get the hell out NOW. Don't waste any more time with him. If you decide to stay, draw VERY strict boundaries - no drug benders and no screwing around with other women. In that crowd **YOU** may end up catching something that HE picked up.

Regardless, in my mind it's a done deal - he'll suck you for everything he can and just break your heart
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Old 10-08-2014, 09:42 PM
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My EX is currently incarcerated for the past 14 months his outdate is actually oct 30 this year- he was arrested on possesion with intent to sell and use-- he is a drug addict I stayed with his thru a sober living home which he lived a year and graduated yet 1 month out after he got me pregnant he started using again- I ended up getting fed up I had a child to take care of and couldnt rely on him to help-- he consistently was in and out of jail- so I ended it- and I still catch the blame for his use which he had started years before I entered his life- only you can decide when enough is enough and love honestly doesnt fix everything- because while high he was very very abusive and always played the victim
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Old 10-09-2014, 07:12 PM
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Blah blah blah. Yeah, everyone on the inside has "seen the light". What absolute bullshit. All his drug buddies and women he was screwing around with have disappeared (surprise surprise!) and he wants to keep you around. Look, if he had seen the light he would have cleaned it up before SENTENCING.

So what? He wanted one last party before he went away for a while? What was it?

I say you get the hell out NOW. Don't waste any more time with him. If you decide to stay, draw VERY strict boundaries - no drug benders and no screwing around with other women. In that crowd **YOU** may end up catching something that HE picked up.

Regardless, in my mind it's a done deal - he'll suck you for everything he can and just break your heart
Maybe your right but maybe your wrong!!! I did crack for years I could go months clean then BAM imam rippin & runnin. But you know what people do change. I didn't need prison to see the light. Not everyone destroys everything.
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Old 10-09-2014, 08:47 PM
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My fiancée is an addict and when he was arrested he was high very high and later I came to find out he was arrested with a hooker. He is now clean and I decided to give him a second chance but he knows that it's his last chance. Follow your heart is all I can say
How do you know for sure that your husband isn't using anymore? My husband tells me he's not using either and I believe him. But were not with them 24/7 and we can see them or talk to them every day. Can love beat an addiction??? I'll find out when my love comes home I truly hope its true. I would be devasted if I found out he was still using while he was in there I know an addiction is hard to deal with but I can't handle dishonesty.
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Old 10-09-2014, 10:02 PM
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Maybe your right but maybe your wrong!!! I did crack for years I could go months clean then BAM imam rippin & runnin. But you know what people do change. I didn't need prison to see the light. Not everyone destroys everything.
And maybe I _AM_ wrong, but I don't think so. I'd say you're an exception. This board is rife with failed promises. What set me off was that he seemed to be on a permanent bender AND was cheating on her right up until the day they put him behind bars.

Then, once his buddies and other women are gone - he wants her.

Look, I'm all for second chances, I'm all for standing beside the one you love through thick and thin, I'm all for picking someone up again and again. But, I draw the line at cheating and dishonestly.
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Old 10-10-2014, 01:29 AM
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drug addiction is such a hard subject because of different experiences, i stood by my ex for 5 years, waiting for him to change, and i became and fell into addiction 1 year into our marriage, all i have to say is, you have to want it more than anything you have ever ever wanted to quit to be sober. its so hard, nothing can change and addict if they dont want they help or want to change. nothing will change you, not a death in the family or a friend, prison jail, children nothing. they have to really want it and want to change. it is very very hard, i knew i wanted to change and had to change, but there were times i didnt want to give it up, it felt so good, i felt like oh im still young i still have time or next year, next week next month. do what you do cause you love him and stay by him if you want too, but dealing with addiction and a addict is a tough road very hard.
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Old 10-10-2014, 03:25 AM
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rww - your hopes are hanging on a very slim thread. First of all, if he's not doing AA or NA right now, he's not serious. Second, only 10% of addicts get clean on any attempt. Jail/prison is not a sobriety program, so he's not sober, just dry. That means the same disordered thinking that was present in his addiction is still there and unfixed.

Second, you need to go to some meetings yourself - AlAnon or NarAnon. It will give you a network of other people dealing with their own addicted loved ones.
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Old 10-19-2014, 09:57 PM
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Sorry, I am new to this and never joined a forum in my life. I recently married a man that just went to prison and is a meth addict. He has been in prison for a few months now, he claims he is done using and is clean now and never wants to go back. Yet, also says its so easy to get in there. I love him and plan to be supportive but I dont want to be naive either. However, before his sentencing he was still using and didn't treat me very well... always gone, avoiding me, talking with other women, looking to hookup ect. He claimed it was because of the drugs and now he is glad he is in prison to get clean and wants nothing more than to have a future with me. Any advice?? I am still learning on communicating with him via letters, ect but when I share my fears about us he doesn't want me to say that in a letter.
This is my first time in a forum as well rrwgirl, just joined out of curiosity. Oh my, where do I begin....I'll try to make this as short as possible...I met my husband through a friends husband who was locked up at the time. When I was getting to know him through letters and of course asked him why he was locked up, he shared his charges but in that I found out he had a meth addiction issue but he asured me he was all done. I was sceptical but continued talking to him anyway. He had another year and a half left to serve and we did get to know eachother a lot during that time.
I went to visit him twice during that time and then picked him up when he was released. It was good, he was staying clean, no drugs just a beer here and there, we got married had a child and he was a good provider, husband and father then one day he met someone who has the "stuff", he caved but not having had a past with him or any meth users for that matter I did not see the signs til it was full blown. I told him I was leaving the city and going back home to the mountains, If he wanted to be with me to get packed and come with me.
He did and he got clean once again for about 8 months, this time around I recognized the change in him after using one time. I found the meth and flushed it. He flipped out but once again swore never to touch it again. Ok, so once again we moved on, had a home, a nice truck, our own business and things were goin good, then after 4 months he started using again but this time, carefully because he knew I would catch it. He did successfully hide it for 6 months then he totally changed, started yelling at friends who came over, treating our employees horible and yelling at them. That's when I knew he was using again. This time when I confrunted him he got in my face like "how could you accuse me of doing that? If you think I am doing it then I might as well go get some and do it!" He totally turned into someone else. He started bring tweekers into our home and around me and our child. Heartbroken, I moved myself and our child in with my mother. He continued and even started dealing with one of the biggest drugdeallers in our area, a female too, 20 years older than him.
He got arrested for possetion of meth and was locked up for a couple weeks, in that time I cleaned out the house we had shared together, soooo much trash, used needles, light bulbs that had been taken apart, spoons with resudue...it was disgusting!!! Then he talked the judge into letting him out on a waiver and I picked him up at county. it wasn't 24 hrs and he was back in some tweeker dudes car headed to town to "take care of some unfinished business". he did not show for court and I found him in a run down motel looking worse than ever, I cried and begged him to come home and get clean and turn himself in, to no avail. Two months went by, he was living with a druggie chick, driving a stolen car, using stolen ID's to get credit cards ect...I called the city police and they busted the house but he got away, he called me to come pick him up and told me what had happened. I picked him up at 3 am, brought him home, washed his clothes, asked him to shower (he stank so bad) made him some food and let him sleep til morning and called the sheriff to come get him before he could wake up and leave again. He was successfully arrested and spent the next two years in prison.
That term, we didn't talk very much and when he got out he called me the day of his release and we picked up from there. I gave him my love and trust all over again, things were good, again! Then after a few months the drinking started, then the questionable activity and "friends"...within seven months we were fighting and his "user" traits started again, then we separated and he movedin with some tweeker chick and it started all over again. He got into enough trouble this time to put him away for 9 1/2 yrs. So, here I am again. We have been together 7 yrs and I have learned A LOT, not that I needed to know but it came with the package. I know people change but I wonder if he ever will. I wish you the best but I know exactely what you are going through and wanted to share my story with you :/ Good luck!!

Last edited by Foxsand38; 10-19-2014 at 10:06 PM..
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Old 01-21-2015, 01:50 AM
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Originally Posted by rutledjw View Post
Blah blah blah. Yeah, everyone on the inside has "seen the light". What absolute bullshit. All his drug buddies and women he was screwing around with have disappeared (surprise surprise!) and he wants to keep you around. Look, if he had seen the light he would have cleaned it up before SENTENCING.

So what? He wanted one last party before he went away for a while? What was it?

I say you get the hell out NOW. Don't waste any more time with him. If you decide to stay, draw VERY strict boundaries - no drug benders and no screwing around with other women. In that crowd **YOU** may end up catching something that HE picked up.

Regardless, in my mind it's a done deal - he'll suck you for everything he can and just break your heart
I agree with rutledjw in some ways.
But rrwgirl, just follow your heart without having regrets.
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Old 01-21-2015, 03:19 AM
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My Ex was an addict in just the most awful, unbelievable way. I think that its hard to understand addiction if you're not one yourself. Looking at someone who is addicted its hard to understand the choices they make. My Ex when not using was everything I could have wanted but as an addict he was revolting. I agree with others, getting a support network around you of people going through the same things can be really helpful. Addiction in a lot of ways isn't just the drug its the "lifestyle" around it, its not just giving up the drug but all that comes with it. My Ex struggled to change that, that lifestyle was all he had really known, to change and be successful is to change your whole life. He was at a loss without that lifestyle, it was what defined him totally. He could give up meth, but he went back to the same people, the same places and would sink back into it inevitably. And its so true being in jail is just being away from it, it doesn't mean he has given up. I think all you can do is to keep writing and talking and ask the hard questions and then think about what you really want and do you want to take on the responsibility (to and extent) of supporting and helping him when he is out. Mentally set your own boundaries, trust your gut and realise that it can take a lot of go's at getting clean, and that can mean a lot of heartache for you. I wish you all the best xx
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Old 02-20-2015, 03:00 PM
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I've not read through this whole thread but I've read the original post and some replies. Since I'm a former addict and I know the pain and misery you're probably in for, I would suggest you do NOT get involved with this man. His behavior when he was high suggests that if he ever falls off the wagon, he will cheat on you and disappear for long amounts of time, and it will lead to nothing but heartache.

While it's hard to break the seemingly endless cycle of any addiction, meth and heroin in general are particularly nasty and vicious. While both often lead to the addict stealing from loved ones and doing anything to get their next high, meth seems to have the added effect of literally transforming a person in mere weeks. I've known people who would never have lift a hand to any woman go to jail for beating the crap out of their wife, I've seen college girls with a bright future arrested for prostitution, and much more. Obviously this happens with heroin too, but the descent toward rock bottom seems accelerated with meth, at least from my experiences.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you to break it off with him, but you need to think of him at his absolute worst, not the sober version of him that you have now. A meth addict's rate of recidivism (chances he'll go back to meth) are tragically high. Think about the future you want for yourself, and if you want to have kids. Then think of the kids growing up with him as a father, and the consequences of what happens if he falls off the wagon later in life (IE father in jail or dead).

There are some great people on this forum who have persevered through their significant others' addictions and are doing well, but I don't think any of them would tell you to flat out give the guy another chance without truly weighing your options.

If you think this is Mr. Right and cannot see a future without him, I would recommend keeping him close but not too close, enough so that you can observe his behavior and whether his sobriety is an act or a genuine effort. Even then, remember that he, like all of us addicts, are addicts for life.
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Old 02-27-2015, 03:06 AM
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This is only my humble opinion, of course, but it sounds to me like he was only using the addiction to justify his actions.

My husband is an addict/recovering addict. And while I didn't have to deal with the infidelity or the running around issues that you did (when mine was high all he wanted to do was sit in the office and take apart old electronics,) but living with him was hard. When he was sober he was the husband every girl dreamed of having, when he was tweaking he turned into somebody you wish you never knew. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He had a hard time distinguishing fiction from reality and our relationship was heading down the wrong path because of it. After his last bender we sat down and had a long, long talk and a couple of days after that he was in an outpatient program, I started going to NarcAnon and he cut ties with his old crew completely.

You're the only one that knows when you've had enough. The only advice I can offer is that the sooner you get the crazy idea out of your head that if you love him enough he won't want to use anymore, the better off you'll be. You can't love them into sobriety. Actions speak louder than words, and the other piece of advice I would offer is to not turn a blind eye to things that don't add up because you see a future with him.

There was one thing in your original post that set off a red flag for me. If he truly is sober and walking the straight and narrow, I question why talking about your fears in letters would be off limits. Perhaps I'm reading too much in to that.

My husband has been sober for two months now. He has a positive support system, works his rehab program, and talks weekly to my cousin who has been clean and sober from meth for five years. I am so incredibly proud of him but I'm under no disillusion that him relapsing could be just one bad day away.

I wish the both of you the very best of luck. Loving an addict is hard. I hope for your sake that he's serious about getting, and staying, sober this time.
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Old 02-27-2015, 06:27 AM
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Sorry, I am new to this and never joined a forum in my life. I recently married a man that just went to prison and is a meth addict. He has been in prison for a few months now, he claims he is done using and is clean now and never wants to go back. Yet, also says its so easy to get in there. I love him and plan to be supportive but I dont want to be naive either. However, before his sentencing he was still using and didn't treat me very well... always gone, avoiding me, talking with other women, looking to hookup ect. He claimed it was because of the drugs and now he is glad he is in prison to get clean and wants nothing more than to have a future with me. Any advice?? I am still learning on communicating with him via letters, ect but when I share my fears about us he doesn't want me to say that in a letter.
A few months? Meth? I don't think so.
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Old 04-18-2016, 07:59 PM
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Sorry, I am new to this and never joined a forum in my life. I recently married a man that just went to prison and is a meth addict. He has been in prison for a few months now, he claims he is done using and is clean now and never wants to go back. Yet, also says its so easy to get in there. I love him and plan to be supportive but I dont want to be naive either. However, before his sentencing he was still using and didn't treat me very well... always gone, avoiding me, talking with other women, looking to hookup ect. He claimed it was because of the drugs and now he is glad he is in prison to get clean and wants nothing more than to have a future with me. Any advice?? I am still learning on communicating with him via letters, ect but when I share my fears about us he doesn't want me to say that in a letter.
I am new to this also. My boyfriend of 2+ years is in Prison also for his 6th DUI. I understand what you are talking about. My boyfriend had other addictions in the past , but gave those up cold turkey. I think if you are able to visit him discuss your fears in person. I am not able to visit where my boyfriend is because I am not related. I am waiting for the day I can and we will be having a discussion along the same lines. Good luck and hang in there to quote my boyfriend "we'll get through this" I also don't want to be naive, trust what he is telling you, but be careful. They are good at blowing smoke.
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Old 04-19-2016, 10:18 AM
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Ugh all of this makes me ill. My husband and I have been together for 20yrs we have 4 kids. We have battled alcoholism then opiate addiction I have 8mo clean he has 5mo. He is currently in rehab at the end of an almost yr. long county bid. I'm scared, nervous, excited, terrified, happy, he comes home on Thursday. I hate addiction. I hate it in me and him and others I don't know. Its a long long long road, good luck. And don't believe a damn thing. How did he beat the other addictions cold turkey but has 6 DUI's. A drug is a drug is a drug!!!!
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Old 04-19-2016, 04:44 PM
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I know he is an addict and has to realize this. I can only help him so much. I have been unable to visit with him and I don't want to try to discuss this in a letter. I feel it needs to be done face to face. He has told me of his other addictions & drug issues were brought up in court. He has never touched drugs in the time I have known him. My ex was into drugs so I am familiar with them. I really love him and miss him, but I am not stupid. I can't predict the future we are older and I keep remembering his thoughts to me " we will get through this". The bottom line is he has to admit he has a problem and want to get over this addiction. Thanks for the input. I did get involved in this Forum to gain more information on the prison system in general. I read someones thoughts on minimum security prisons would be very different from DCI. How are they different? Thanks
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Old 04-19-2016, 06:21 PM
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I don't know about the WI prison system, but in most cases, the lower the security level of the prison, the fewer restrictions there are for the prisoners. Many (maybe even all?) federal minimum security camps have no locks or fences, so it is left to the inmates to follow the rules. Because of that, many conduct violations result in a quick transfer to a higher level prison.
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Old 04-20-2016, 09:42 AM
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The 1st step in recovery is to admit you (the addicted) have a problem. It's not easy nor is it fun but until the addict or drug addicted admit that there is little -if nothing- another can do to help them change it.
Sorry, living it myself. May 23rd I have 3 years sobriety and it's been a hard road to accept responsibility. Just don't give in or let them believe for 1 split second that if they practice in their addiction you are ok with it. You are only responsible for your own choices.
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Old 04-20-2016, 09:03 PM
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Yes he is an addict. If I had a dime for every time I heard his story along with what I use to tell myself I would me a millionaire many times. First things first . I am an addict, I will always be an addict, but I cleaned my act up after three terms in prison. I also got tired of being sick and tired of being told what to do when to do it and how much I had to do. If your friend/husband or what ever wants to stop using he will Prison will not cure him only delay his abuse.
It isn't easy to get clean and stay clean. I was at it over 20 years, before I finally woke up and fought my addiction. It was pure hell trying to get clean and stay clean. I have over 12 years of being clean. I still fight to stay clean , but I fight for me no one else not my girlfriend not my family but for me.
One other thing when I was inside . We use to have what we called the God rock right outside the gate where you were released. . This is where all the people that found God while in prison would drop their Bibles when they would released. Religion and sobriety are highly used and abused inside prison. Prison is a controlled environment the real test comes when you get out.
I personally hope he gets off the dope, but in the back of my mind knowing the circus of addiction I think he is only saying what he wants people to hear. Just my two cents worth for what it is worth. I know I still will be clean and sober no matter what he chooses to do. No I am not your poor me for people with addiction. You want to beat it . The person with the problem needs to work real hard on it
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Old 06-23-2016, 09:32 PM
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A few months is not enough time to change that pattern of behavior. He's telling you what you want to hear. I don't say that to be rude, I say it from experience.
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Old 09-06-2017, 01:39 AM
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Nice input everyone!
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