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Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

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Old 08-26-2018, 12:42 PM
Bobette37 Bobette37 is offline
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Default What to do when MWI is in his feelings...

I've been talking to someone for three months now, he's not my first penpal but he's the first I've fallen in love with. He's very expressive about his feelings for me, he sends me emails, cards, letters, calls me every day... But I can tell when he gets mired down by his insecurities, and the time he has left.

This weekend is the first time he hasn't called me. Not since Thursday night, I missed his goodnight call because I was at an event that he knew I was attending.

Well, that's been the last time he's called. Absolute radio silence Friday, Saturday, and now Sunday. Of course I'm worried. But I suspect he's fine, but was upset I didn't pick up Thursday night. He's either down, or being petulant.

I adore this guy, but I don't do drama. How do you tell someone, look, it's not cool to make me worry like this, without coming off as cold or a bitch? I'm not always going to be able to answer his call! I feel like I'm being punished, and he'll probably come back and beg for forgiveness, and say he was in his feelings... Has anyone else experienced this?

Is this like a version of the only power play a man has when he's upset?
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Old 08-26-2018, 01:14 PM
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Assuming he remembered that you had plans (mine has to work really hard at remembering my plans as his schedule is fairly static and mine is completely random), he may be taking a little break to assess his own feelings. If he didn't remember that you'd be unavailable, he may be having the same questions you are and as they say, "don't ask the question you're not prepared to hear the answer to". If he brings up the missed call, it may be that he doesn't like the answer and avoiding it is easier.



But either way-- three months is incredibly early to be hitting potholes this size. If, by chance, he is upset that you didn't answer for whatever reason, I would personally take that as a huge red flag.
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Old 08-26-2018, 02:07 PM
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Assuming he remembered that you had plans...



But either way-- three months is incredibly early to be hitting potholes this size. If, by chance, he is upset that you didn't answer for whatever reason, I would personally take that as a huge red flag.

Yes, pothole is a good description. I can understand getting getting down, even having times where you don't want to talk, but....
Time for some ground rules I think. Like, if you don't feel like talking, you can at least dial my number daily.
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Old 08-26-2018, 02:16 PM
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My loved one and I have a rule that we dont ignore each other. If I am busy he tries later or the next day. If we have argued we discuss it rather than ignoring each other. If we want a break we say so.
There may be a reason he hasnt called but if its the silent treatment I would see that as a red flag.
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Old 08-26-2018, 02:24 PM
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Could the prison be on lock down, could he have gotten in trouble, or could he not have money?
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Old 08-26-2018, 02:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobette37 View Post
Time for some ground rules I think. Like, if you don't feel like talking, you can at least dial my number daily.
I don't know about his facility, but that wouldn't be a realistic guide for us. There are things far outside of his control that take phone time from him and it would be a setup for an emotional roller coaster if I expected him to ring me everyday. Not only that, but it's an unequal expectation. I can't call him, ever. So holding him to that rule when it in no way applies to me isn't really fair.

There are some things that come with a long term relationship with an inmate that aren't present with "just" a pen pal. Learning to navigate the space between the expectations you would have of a partner outside and the constraints that prison puts on your communication is a hard one.
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Old 08-26-2018, 03:00 PM
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Quote:
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I don't know about his facility, but that wouldn't be a realistic guide for us. There are things far outside of his control that take phone time from him and it would be a setup for an emotional roller coaster if I expected him to ring me everyday. Not only that, but it's an unequal expectation. I can't call him, ever. So holding him to that rule when it in no way applies to me isn't really fair.

There are some things that come with a long term relationship with an inmate that aren't present with "just" a pen pal. Learning to navigate the space between the expectations you would have of a partner outside and the constraints that prison puts on your communication is a hard one.

That's true, thank you for the reminder. It seems he's not had any trouble getting to a phone in the past, but I'm judging by three months' experience, and I should not. I'm going to back up for now, and be more patient. Maybe it's the silent treatment, or maybe it's just something out of his control.

I'm grateful for the sounding board, ladies. Thank you all.
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Old 08-26-2018, 05:11 PM
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I hope you hear from him soon, and the absence of calls was because of something out of his control. If not, you may have to factor this behavior into your expectations about your relationship.
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Old 08-26-2018, 11:36 PM
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I know how it feels when he doesn't call as "usual" but you have to remember - as the others said before me - sometime things are out of his control.
Having said this I also want to say that after 3 months you are way ahead of yourself. He wooed you at an alarming pace, three months is nothing, and you now act like you are in a 10-year-long relationship. Take it easy sweetie, do your thing and don't expect too much and don't get too involved just yet... enjoy the moment but he doesn't have to call you every day and you don't have to answer every day. If you're worried then set up a schedule maybe, that's what my guy and I did in the beginning, 3 times a week and I could count on it.
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Old 08-27-2018, 02:54 AM
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I'm going to sound heartless but really 3 months and you are upset, honey your going to be in for a rude awakening!!! Because even getting all caught up in a love thing on the outside 3 months is nothing, time wise to be so wrapped up in drama. Me and my husband were together before prison and we talked when we could not every night and not when I was out. But if he went all weekend like yours with out calling I would have had a problem with it because we didn't play games and that sounds like playing games. Yeah yeah they do get locked down but my husband always found a way to let me know what was up! I also could pick up my phone and call the facility and ask!! LOL I learned the best way was call in middle of the night when the staff was bored, be nice and they usually are nice right back and friendly especially if you act concerned as a regular person not some stalker because believe it it happens. Hope you get this resolved one way or the other.
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Old 08-27-2018, 11:37 AM
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Quote:
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I'm going to sound heartless but really 3 months and you are upset, honey your going to be in for a rude awakening!!!
Yeah, you do sound heartless.

Good for your husband though, to be able to get a message to you during a lock down. Maybe Florida's rules are different.
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Old 08-27-2018, 05:03 PM
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UPDATE:
He was picked up Friday at 5am and taken to the county prison to have his appeal started. The CO gave him a heads up, which was why he tried to call me three times Thursday night while I was at an event. Because he knew I'd worry. He wrote me that Thursday night, and emailed me at 3pm today as soon as he was back and able,.

It wasn't him, it was me and my overactive imagination. I put myself on the emotional Rollercoaster, as miamic called it. Lesson learned.

And again, thank you those who offered advice and kind words. It's appreciated.
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