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  #1  
Old 02-08-2014, 05:18 PM
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Default Narcissist boyfriend is in jail after threatening me - how to deal with NPD

Hi First of all please don't judge me. I am 40 and my boyfriend is 19. We are gay he likes older father types and due to being depressed my entire teen and 20s I like younger guys.

He is only 5,8" 117 lbs and is very very attractive so it was a dream come true that he contacted me via online dating site. We have been together since June of 2013 but its been rocky. Though he says he loves me and has not cheated but he lies and asks me for money has no care for my property and has used me many times to get what he wants as well as has anger issues.

I have looked up all his symptoms and have concluded he is a possible narcissistic Sociopath and possible psychopath. He looks like Justin bieber so nobody would believe this innocent cute person could be like this. Its like Dr jeckle and mr hyde.

Well normally I am able to weather his abuse but a few days ago he became very violent and knocked pictures off the wall and stabbed a huge knife thru my office door. I had no choice but to call the police even though I don't think he would have actually killed me just threats.

Anyway he is in jail now and there is a no contact order and I cant bail him out. I only wanted the police to talk to him I didn't expect all of this. Everybody is telling me it was not my fault but I feel so guilty he is in jail facing 5 years. I am debating not pressing charges and telling the courts I was not in any danger I made a mistake.

I just don't know what to do at this point.
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Old 02-08-2014, 05:39 PM
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I'm no expert on your legal system, but I suspect a phone call from yourself and then the scene having a knife plunged into your office door would suggest to the courts that you were in danger.

There's nothing wrong with age-gap relationships so you have nothing to be judged about. Some work, some don't. From what you say this one doesn't. You paint a picture of a handsome brat who uses you. That's not a shared love. If he loved you he wouldn't do any of this stuff.

You called the police to protect yourself, because his actions provoked that response in you. He is responsible for his own actions as you are yours. Why not take this time apart to get some help for you? Sounds like you could do with talking to someone about why you think you should "weather his abuse". He is taken care of for now, take a little care of yourself.
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  #3  
Old 02-08-2014, 06:08 PM
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Gay doesn't matter, age difference doesn't matter. Nobody's going to judge you on those at all.

However, you don't know much about domestic violence. Your best bet is to read up - whether here on this forum or elsewhere on the web. You'll find out that nothing that's happened to you is new or even rare. We've all suffered through similar.

I strongly suspect that Delaware will not care whether you choose not to prosecute - they will take over the charges. After all, this is a criminal action and the title of it will read "State vs. Mr. X", not Mr. L vs. Mr. X. The simplest way to think of it is that the State has an interest in keeping its citizens healthy and peaceful, which boyfriend is not. They have no interest in their next view of him being him standing over you, this time with the knife in your chest rather than the office door. (Don't think it can't happen - intimate partner violence is responsible for a huge number of deaths.)

There's little doubt that he's a narcissist - but whatever further pathology there might be doesn't really matter. He's not a safe person to be around. Period. You can stop worrying about what his exact diagnosis is, because none of them are amenable to treatment, neither talk therapy nor medication.

It's going to hurt a lot, but you have to let go. No talk, no money, no letters. And go to your local Domestic Abuse agency for some counseling. You've been through a bit of hell and it will help you resolve some of the issues left from it.

You don't realize it, but you're like a frog who's put into water and then the fire gets turned on under the pot. By the time you realized it was really hot it was too late. You've been slowly adapting to his horrid behavior, dropping your standards millimeter by millimeter until by now you think waving a knife around in anger isn't really dangerous . . .

Good luck, man!
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  #4  
Old 02-08-2014, 06:09 PM
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m'kay - they took the responsibility of pressing or not pressing charges away from DV victims eons ago, so don't bother trying to get him out of his hot water by "not pressing charges". The case is the State v. Defendant, not Victim v. Defendant. All you can do now is decide to lie on the witness stand if it comes to that. I don't suggest you lie - they have your statements to the 911 operator, they have your statements to the police, they have statements from anybody else who called it in, and they have whatever physical evidence they took from your place including photos.

OK, the guy is 19 - he's an adult. He knows that he can't go around putting knives into things and making people afraid or he will get locked up. Bullies may get a free pass in schools (fewer and fewer these days), but they don't get a free pass in real life, and he's old enough to know that really well by now.

You don't need to be taking responsibility for his choices of actions. If he has needs, he should express them. If he has concerns, he should express them. If he doesn't want to express them in a way that doesn't violate the law, he should use those methods. He chose to go the DV route; he's where he needs to be.

You, on the other hand, have a very different course of action to take. You need domestic violence counseling. Further, you need to deal with the damage this guy has done to your self esteem and your sense of self and of trust by virtue of any sort of personality disorder he has. You cannot be in a relationship with a psychopath/antisocial or a narcissist for any length of time without it really screwing with your sense of the world. You need help or you'll do one of two things - 1. wait for him, and when he gets done with the justice system everything will get worse until he kills you, or 2. your next relationship will be with another psychopath or narcissist. You don't want that - life is too short, and there are too many good people out there who are worthy of love, respect, and trust to go throwing your love, respect, and trust away on somebody who's just going to abuse it. Get some help for the damage that's already been done. If the local DV shelter won't help you out (they should, but sometimes it's awkward to be one of a very few gay men in a room full of battered women, or counseling with a counselor who's never approached DV from this angle before -like it really makes a difference), contact lambda legal in your area and see if they have a DV outreach (they do in most populated places). DV in gay couples is way under reported but just as common as in straight couples, so don't be embarrassed by it. Just get the help you need so you don't have to repeat, repeat, repeat.

Nobody should care that there's an age difference, and nobody should care that you're gay. What's important is that you should feel at a minimum safe in your relationships, and you should be able to love, trust and respect just as you feel loved, trusted and respected. What is a helluva lot more alarming is your desire to stay in relationship with a psychopath or narcissist - not good. You are asking for your bank accounts to be depleted, your property to be destroyed, and your life to be placed in such shambles that severe depression is paradise in comparison. Take the time you have with him locked up to start some counseling and get on a healthy path.
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  #5  
Old 02-08-2014, 06:23 PM
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Thank for the reply mooshy,

Its just sometimes he can be so nice to me but yeah most of the times its only after I buy him something or give him money etc. I often question if he is really in love with me and he replies if he were not he would not be sexually attracted to me. We flew to texas to have thanksgiving dinner with his family and he says if he did not care for me why would he have invited me.

Each time we augue he calls me hurtful names and constantly threatens me and throws stuff but so far the worst he has don't is smack me and twist my ear. I am not a violent person yet he always dares me to hit him. he then threatens he will call the police and have me arrested and or will harm himself and lie and say I did it.

I bailed him out of jail many months ago for a theft crime he commited before we met and he promised to change. he was arrested again for missing court and I was the only one there that contacted his lawyer and got his care pleaded so he could get out and once again he promised he would change but got much worse. Now that's he is facing 5 years for trying to attack me he is once again promising this has opened his eyes and he will change.

I keep thinking he is only 19 and just has to grow out of it yet I never acted the way he did at his age.

Anyway his future is in my hands. If I press charges since he is already on probation for felony theft he might get 5 years in jail.

If I don't press charges and tell the DA I don't find him as a threat they may dismiss the charges and he comes home worse than ever.

or maybe 3rd times the charm and he will realize I am the only one he has and treat me nicer?

Its just so tough when you are in love with someone. All my friends told me in the past he was no good for me but I always made excuses for his treatment of me.

There is a no contact order so I cant even try to talk to him to see if he will still change
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Old 02-08-2014, 06:37 PM
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Well I did not press charges but I did record his threats on a mini tape recorder and the officer at the scene never asked if I wanted to press charges. My home has an indoor camera recording system and the officer view the tapes and clearly saw me standing in my office with the door shut at the same time my boyfriend was walking towards my door with a large knife and at that point he said stop the tape and told me he was arresting my BF.

I wont lie on the stand but I don't want to ruin a 19 year old kids life who most likely needs mental help. I am debating telling them I did feel threatened but I did not think he would kill me so the drop the charges. I just feel so guilty my stomach is in knots.

I don't drink smoke or use drugs but I do notice when my bf smokes pot it tends to calm him down.

I am going to seek counseling on Monday. I already suffer from depression and this is too much for me to handle.

Thank you all for listening I am sorry I am just babbling Its the only think keeping me calm right now.
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Old 02-08-2014, 07:48 PM
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Well I did not press charges but I did record his threats on a mini tape recorder and the officer at the scene never asked if I wanted to press charges. My home has an indoor camera recording system and the officer view the tapes and clearly saw me standing in my office with the door shut at the same time my boyfriend was walking towards my door with a large knife and at that point he said stop the tape and told me he was arresting my BF.

I wont lie on the stand but I don't want to ruin a 19 year old kids life who most likely needs mental help. I am debating telling them I did feel threatened but I did not think he would kill me so the drop the charges. I just feel so guilty my stomach is in knots.

I don't drink smoke or use drugs but I do notice when my bf smokes pot it tends to calm him down.

I am going to seek counseling on Monday. I already suffer from depression and this is too much for me to handle.

Thank you all for listening I am sorry I am just babbling Its the only think keeping me calm right now.
Dude, it's ok. I'm glad you're seeking counseling, babbling is fine and dandy - everybody does it from time to time, especially when stressed.

I'm going to tell you a hard fact; there's no treatment for narcissism and psychopathy. Sorry, there just isn't. You can't help him. He refuses to help himself. He already has a pattern of crime, a pattern of manipulative behavior, and whatever else; if he's a psychopath or a narcissist, you're just in for a world of hurt. These people don't change; they just become more polished.

I'm telling you this because I know psychopaths. I work with them and I'm related to one. I work with narcissists, and I'm related to one. I have absolutely no contact with those I'm related to - they cause too much destruction to bear. The ones I work with? The psychopaths are always willing to change, but they can't change because they really don't see that there's anything wrong with what they've done other than getting caught. Narcissists are just as bad, but a little different. A psychopath will find out what's important to you and then use that to control you. A narcissist figures what's important to them is what's important to you and uses that to control you. Neither will ever believe that they are wrong. Neither will ever acknowledge that they are harming others in any significant way.

You're 40 - you know damned well you can be sexually attracted to somebody without loving that person. He's equating sexual attraction to love because he's incapable of actually feeling love. He brought you to his family to shut you and his family up; not because he was really hoping you'd hit it off or because he wanted to introduce the love of his life to his family. You are worth a helluva lot more than your wallet and your ability to get his family off his back. You deserve a lot more than him. There are plenty of young men out there who do not do this stuff, and plenty who will find you truly worthwhile. One will even fall in love with you - real love, based on attraction, mutual respect, a sense of morality that combines well with yours, and a desire to help you achieve the best you can be, just as you desire the same for him. Yes, sexual attraction plays a role in the getting of two people together, but it isn't the be all and end all as you well know. Dude, there are plenty of pretty boys out there, most of whom would be lucky to have you in their lives. Do not settle for this guy. He's bad news. He's not just a "bad boy" who needs care and understanding - he's the kind of guy who exploits care and understanding for fun.

Spend your emotional energy on healing yourself. Then, spend your emotional energy on a partner who deserves it and who is capable of spending his emotional energy on you.

Again, he's 19. Yes, that's young; but he's already demonstrated a pattern of misbehavior that screams psychopath. Psychopaths cannot be cured. Psychopaths find "care and understanding" and even love to be weaknesses that they can exploit. Stop worrying about destroying his life - he's doing that his own self.

Here's something you also need to realize; the reason that a psychopath picks you is because you have a good heart and because you can see potential in people. If you weren't a good person, he'd never bother with you. Don't let him mess with that.
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Old 02-08-2014, 08:56 PM
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yourself its like you know my entire life. I am a really good hearted person and when I first met him he was not like this but things got worse and worse as he got to know me almost like the more he knew me the more he would get away with. I guess one of the reasons I keep putting up with it is he is so attractive and I did what I had to do to keep him.

His mom put him out before I met him and she hints that she has been thru it all with him. I remember when we first met he said his previous boyfriend cheated on him and his last one dumped him. I wondered why would someone dump someone so attractive. Please don't get me wrong I have always liked people for whats on the inside not their outer looks but just seem to attract attractive ppl. I am overweight but often told I am handsome and look younger than my age.

My boyfriend came here with nothing. I owned my own home and a few vehicles and had a teeny bit of money in savings. Since meeting him I have no savings and am down to one vehicle and all my bills are behind.

All my friends and I mean all of them told me I needed to tell him to leave but I went
with my heart and even as he was being escorted to the police car crying saying please chris don't leave me...im begging you ....My heart just broke I feel so bad for him now.

He threw my small dog across the room which led me to think he was a psychopath and his constant selfishness and taking pictures of himself and posting them on line all day for praise led me to think he was a narcissist. He posts picture of expensive cars items eyc. and brags that they are his and he tells all his friends that we have a nice apartment in NYC not that he is here in Delaware with me.
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:04 PM
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Another thing which lead me to believe he really loved me is even though he wont admit it he is extremely jealous of people I talk to and at one point checked my caller ID and called an ex of mine to let them know I was his boyfriend now.

Well I need to find out at least how to get the no contact order lifted or reduced so I can talk to him and explain things. I think this was a wake up call for him and I don't fear he will kill me still he caused all of this himself and I will not lie and say it didn't happen but I will let the police press charges I cant do it.
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:06 PM
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Inurok - boy, I do feel for you, but I had to realize what you have to - you ain't gonna damage his life - that's already done without your help. Did I feel bad about calling the police - oh yeah. Did I testify against him - sure did.

His issues are his alone and he has to deal with the consequences. I didn't make anything happen to force him to destroy things and threaten me. The man had the insane idea that I'd be less independent and love him 'better' if he threatened to hurt my horses. How do those two things go together? In what mind? In fact, he had begun to resent the horses because I did not focus ALL of my attention on him but gave them a decent part of my emotional life. He needed my ALL and then some . . . insatiable need for more and more admiration, never enough.

Your boyo has that same weird mind - the only thing really important to him is that you give him everything and occasionally (but only occasionally) he will be nice.

You deserve better, guy. You deserve much better. And if the counseling can help you see how nice a guy you are, and how much of a target, perhaps you can begin to make better choices.
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:13 AM
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Another thing which lead me to believe he really loved me is even though he wont admit it he is extremely jealous of people I talk to and at one point checked my caller ID and called an ex of mine to let them know I was his boyfriend now.

Well I need to find out at least how to get the no contact order lifted or reduced so I can talk to him and explain things. I think this was a wake up call for him and I don't fear he will kill me still he caused all of this himself and I will not lie and say it didn't happen but I will let the police press charges I cant do it.
Controlling behavior and limiting the influence of the outside world are classic batterer maneuvers. He may have spun it as "marking his territory", but that's not what it is. In a good relationship, you are allowed to have friends and acquaintances and even interests that are outside the relationship. So's your partner. Somebody who trusts you will trust you to assert appropriate relationship limits without the boyfriend calling like a spoiled child saying, "he's mine! mine! mine!".

Here's what isolation does for him; he cuts you off from your friends. Your friends can't see what's going on. They can't talk with you about what they see. You can't talk to them about things that trouble you. He can manipulate your reality so that the only thing in it is him and the only pleasure that matters is his. If you want to put it in a strictly economic context - if you have a certain amount of money you spend on birthdays each year - family, friends, friends who've known you forever, and boyfriend - and he can have you get rid of every category of birthday except him, then he's hit the jackpot, and there's nobody around to complain except you. You have a hard time complaining because there's nobody around except him, and lord knows, you don't want to do anything that pisses him off.

Now, I'm going to tell you how to get rid of a NCO, but you're not going to like it. You can't just get it dumped. Every single day, judges listen to people asking to have NCOs in DV cases dropped. They won't do it unless the landscape of the relationship has changed significantly enough that it's safe to do it.

How do you change the landscape? Well, there are two part - first, you have an expert like a therapist write a report and indicate a willingness to testify that you've been through domestic violence counseling and you are safe to have contact with your batterer. That takes time, but it's doable. The other part just will not get done, guaranteed. See, the other part is HE, your boyfriend, takes a batterers class and get into counseling himself, and HE gets his therapist to write a report and be willing to testify in court that your boyfriend is now safe to communicate with you. I think I heard your stomach drop all the way up here in MA. You and I both know he's not going to do it. You and I both know the quickest way that you can legally communicate with him is after the NCO expires years after the case is settled.

So, here's what you do instead. Call up your best friend from before you met this guy. Go have a cup of coffee and repair that relationship. Find out what all has been going on with your friends since you've been cut out of that world, especially if you were fully cut out of that world. Call your favorite area family member, if you have one available, and schedule brunch for next week so you can reconnect there, find out who's pregnant, who's involved in what scandal, and find out that a niece or nephew is looking at your alma mater and that you should offer a letter of support (just an example - the idea is to connect).

Hook up with your therapist on Monday. If it's just a call to set an appointment, it's just a call, but make sure that your therapist is cool with helping you with DV issues - get that up on the table right from the start.

I know it's counter-intuitive to just cut contact with your bf for the time being; you want to do what normal people do in a relationship - you want to work it out and talk about it. That's exactly how normal people work through relationships. He's not normal. If you're actually able to contact him and you actually try to sit down and talk with him, all you'll be doing is giving him ammo. You will hear exactly what you want to hear because he already knows how to work you. It doesn't mean he believes any of it - he just knows the quickest way to getting out of his current jam is to appease you. Guaranteed, the moment the courts aren't threatening 5 years is the moment he's back to his usual, "stay off my back, I'm in charge, give me what I want" self. He'll immediately dump therapy giving you a reason that's possible - he's just not ready, the therapist is wrong for him, he can't afford it, he already knows he just needs to stop this behavior - whatever gets him out. Any promise he made you will get broken because those promises don't mean the same to him as they mean to you. Promises are not the same to him as they are to you.

Anyway, I've seen it time and again. I've experienced it. Do NOT go down that road. Take your desire to talk with him and confide in somebody worthy of your words and your trust. Start with reconnecting with your best friends. On Monday, hit up your therapist. Check to see if there's a DV group available - one through the gay community would be even better as it's a helluva lot more comfortable for you to hear and see these patterns and hear and see other victims who more closely resemble you. As I've said before, it's a huge problem in the gay community because it's laced with a lot of difficult stigma inside its victims, inside the community, and outside the community. It takes a lot of balls, a lot of intestinal fortitude for a man, gay or straight, to admit that he's in an abusive relationship. Consequently, DV is highly underreported when men are victims. Throw in distrust for cops and a society that may not agree with your "lifestyle" (like it's a choice or it's wrong - pft, we're in the 21st century!), and it's even more problematic in the gay community.

He threw your small dog into the wall? Really? I'm a small dog owner. I will tolerate a lot; but mess with my dogs, and we have a big problem and you are no longer welcome in my life. Anybody who can be cruel to a pet, a cherished pet..... anyway.

The thing to take from all of this is to know; you are not alone. If you start connecting with people again, you'll find support. You've started here, and that's a good start, but somebody like you? I bet you could make a couple of calls and be sitting with somebody you trust having a cup of coffee by this afternoon. And I bet the people you call will be both happy and relieved to hear from you.
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  #12  
Old 02-09-2014, 06:27 PM
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You are the emotional crutch for him. I used to be one of those too. When she was settled in her career (teacher), we had bought a home together, and I had sacrificed my career because of her, I lost my friends, savings, independence, family, and my ability to choose basically anything. Then when she had drained everything from out of me as well as around me and I had nothing left to offer and all the weird shit that was going on had become totally normal to me, she threw me out. Battered with a change of work clothes I left. Both times I went back to get my stuff I got battered again. If she hadn't thrown me out I would've stayed.

My point is that even if you decide to save him he may well continue to bite the hand that feeds him until there is nothing left to give. Your $$'s are dwindling and his actions do not suggest that love is a reason to stay. He'll use you up and throw you away.

Sexual arousal is not necessarily an expression of love. I'm not suggesting you are a rape victim, but in the UK (not sure about US)rape is a crime of violence not a sex crime. It is an expression of dominance and power and has nothing to do with sexual attraction. Forgive me, but sexual arousal in a man is not generally difficult to achieve.

You provide him with the material things, he tells you anything and everything to make you feel wanted. My son would tell you that a person needs to be beautiful on the inside and on the outside to be a good match for you. He's 11, but he would take one look at your office door, your debts, and your depression and tell you that a beautiful person wouldn't do this to you. I suspect if you felt beautiful on the inside and the outside yourself you wouldn't allow it continue.

I hope you get some counselling and talk about yourself not him. (This from the biggest anti-therapy person you'll probably ever find on here!! Oh how I have had to change my ways).
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Old 02-25-2014, 07:24 PM
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You're 40 and he is 19? All kinds of flags went off in my head. This boy hasn't even began to experience life so how could you expect good responses from anyone this young, inexperiencd and naive?
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Old 02-25-2014, 08:16 PM
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Mr. Inurok--do you realize the vocabulary words you pick? "excuse", "but", "but then", "maybe if"- who are you trying to convince?
When I left my abusive x- I didn't realize how bad it was until I handed over my paycheck to my current husband and then asked if I could borrow money from it to buy a winter coat. His response was it isn't my money. I had been so cut off for so long I never realized how sick that statement was. I urge you to examine your own actions. You can't love you if you are dead. Neither can anybody else. Your current bf sure doesn't-not by the way he acts anyway. Get some help. You are worth it.
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Old 02-25-2014, 08:50 PM
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inurok,
I don't have much to add because so many of the replies here have been so great. But my heart goes out to you because you are obviously in pain over this. i kow you don;t want to hurt him but believe me, he has done this to himself. He will not be "hurt" if you cut contact with him, he will simply be mad. The fact that he threw your dog shows me that he is callous and has no empathy for anyone but himself. He has shown you that he does not care for you, but he knows how to manipulate you into doubting yourself.
Please don't allow him to isolate you from those who care about you and don't let him make you feel bad about standing up to him. Pleased read up on domestic violence and the tricks that abusers use to manipulate their victims. That way you will recognize what he is up to if he tries to get back in your good graces. It's best to just cut off contact with him and let him go on to his next victim, because he WILL do this again, either to you or to someone else.
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Old 03-15-2014, 01:39 PM
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You need domestic violence counseling, RUN, don't walk to some where you can get help for YOU! This is not normal, and There's now excuse for what he did. Stop being a daddy figure, stop looking, get a hobby etc, life is to short to be put thru this being your 40,you need to think about that too. Younger is ok, if they are mature and NOT a spoiled rotten BRAT. Don't get used! Your way better than that.
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Old 03-16-2014, 05:55 AM
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i think you need to let the little 19 year old go, meet someone your own age but before you do that, maybe a little counseling for you. I think you are an enabler, and enablers do not help anyone.

not sure about your state but in Calfiornia and Arizona, you do not even have to press charges, the cops can do it on your behalf whether you like it or not. You have no say in that matter and if this person used a knife to threaten you, I would be a lot worried about my life. You have made so many excused for this kid, and that is what he is, a kid. Let him live his life and spread his wings. Find someone your own age that you can have an adult relationship with.


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Another thing which lead me to believe he really loved me is even though he wont admit it he is extremely jealous of people I talk to and at one point checked my caller ID and called an ex of mine to let them know I was his boyfriend now.

Well I need to find out at least how to get the no contact order lifted or reduced so I can talk to him and explain things. I think this was a wake up call for him and I don't fear he will kill me still he caused all of this himself and I will not lie and say it didn't happen but I will let the police press charges I cant do it.
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Old 03-16-2014, 06:02 AM
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You are making million and one excused for him right now. Like the attorney says, it doesn't matter if you do not press charges, the state is. We all have loved and majority of us unfortunately the wrong person but when someone intentionally inflicts emotional and physical abuse on you, you need to get out This person does not love you, if he did he wouldn't do what he does.

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Thank for the reply mooshy,

Its just sometimes he can be so nice to me but yeah most of the times its only after I buy him something or give him money etc. I often question if he is really in love with me and he replies if he were not he would not be sexually attracted to me. We flew to texas to have thanksgiving dinner with his family and he says if he did not care for me why would he have invited me.

Each time we augue he calls me hurtful names and constantly threatens me and throws stuff but so far the worst he has don't is smack me and twist my ear. I am not a violent person yet he always dares me to hit him. he then threatens he will call the police and have me arrested and or will harm himself and lie and say I did it.

I bailed him out of jail many months ago for a theft crime he commited before we met and he promised to change. he was arrested again for missing court and I was the only one there that contacted his lawyer and got his care pleaded so he could get out and once again he promised he would change but got much worse. Now that's he is facing 5 years for trying to attack me he is once again promising this has opened his eyes and he will change.

I keep thinking he is only 19 and just has to grow out of it yet I never acted the way he did at his age.

Anyway his future is in my hands. If I press charges since he is already on probation for felony theft he might get 5 years in jail.

If I don't press charges and tell the DA I don't find him as a threat they may dismiss the charges and he comes home worse than ever.

or maybe 3rd times the charm and he will realize I am the only one he has and treat me nicer?

Its just so tough when you are in love with someone. All my friends told me in the past he was no good for me but I always made excuses for his treatment of me.

There is a no contact order so I cant even try to talk to him to see if he will still change
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Old 08-25-2014, 02:24 AM
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Well my worst fears came to life. Police came to my door requesting my boyfriend because he missed a court date. They arrested him. I spoke to him in jail and asked for the password on his iphone so I could get his moms new number. Well what I found out was shocking. basically for months and months he has been having video phone sex with all sorts of guys in the local area. he would send me a text at work say he he loved me then 10 minutes later get naked on the phone for random guys. I also found out that each time I sent him to texas for 2 weeks for court dates etc he was actually sleeping with ex lovers every night.
He is in jail now and I have been fighting to get him out. I told him what I found out he says he will change and that he is sorry. he claims he was just bored and like the attention but would never leave me. I cant just let him rot in jail and he is only 19 im 43 maybe I should have tried hard as a lover. Well he is in jail and because he violated probation in texas he had bail but tx put a detainer on him so they wont let him out if I pay his bail.
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Old 08-25-2014, 05:06 AM
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Inurok, go back and read the definition of sociopath again. He doesn't care about you. He cares about his freedom and he cares about your money. He cares that he has a victim (that would be you). He enjoys that power, but he can't love.

So you being a good lover matters not at all.
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Old 08-25-2014, 06:46 AM
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As a survivor of domestic violence I know that no one can tell you not to go back to him, no one can tell you what to do you have to figure it out in your own heart first. It don't matter how old you are or if you are gay.
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Old 08-25-2014, 10:13 AM
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Dude, really? You feel so unloved and unlovable that you're willing to do everything you can to get the crumbs from this guy? Really?

If you want some cute young thing, there are plenty out there who are not psychopaths. Pick one. Woo him. Get into a real relationship. Grow in love and trust.

If you want this guy, then you've got to delude yourself into believing THIS TIME he's actually going to change. btw, he says that every time he gets in trouble to get out of trouble, not because he actually means he's going to change.

You're 43, grow up. Pick a mate who's actually worthy of you (and no, I don't care if he's 19 or 90). Be a man. Have a real love life and kick the psychopath to the curb. Failure to do so?

Btw, you're much more worried about him rotting in prison than he is.
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Old 08-25-2014, 10:27 AM
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I'll go so far as to say he might like being in jail; he's surround by only men - that might be making it fun for him.
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Old 08-25-2014, 11:51 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this however at this point, you are kind of putting yourself through it. He has continued to show you who he is - and you continue to bail him out. He is never going to change. He only says that because he doesnt want to be in jail and he knows that you feel bad and love him so he is using it to his advantage. If you keep sticking by him, you are just signing up for more heartache. JMO.
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Old 08-26-2014, 10:44 AM
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You should use this time to figure out why you find someone treating you with such disresrpect in the name of love is okay.
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