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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 10-02-2013, 09:22 PM
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Unhappy The first few days

Hey everyone,

I'm new here and my husband was just incarcerated. He's still in the middle of processing so I haven't had any chance to communicate with him in any way.

I can't stop crying, I can't compose myself, I can't focus on anything. I was wondering if any of you ladies had any experience to share on how I can get through these first few days...I hope things will get easier with time but as of right now it feels like my world has been ripped apart.
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Old 10-02-2013, 09:42 PM
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My prayers are with you, this is what we go through, It's ok to have your emotional break. This is a life changing event and some of us have gone through all that you are going through and feeling. Prayer and getting your house in order, so to speak is what you will need to do. Once your husband is processed into the system, go to the visiting website, start writing, take pictures, read, what ever hobby you have go to it - If you are a bible reader read your bible and pray. Prisontalk is a place for you and your Love one we are one big family. My best to you and you family.
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Old 10-02-2013, 09:48 PM
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Welcome to PTO Russellwife. I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. I know it's hard to imagine but it will get better as time goes on.

Most important right now is to take care of yourself. You won't be any good to your husband or anyone else if you aren't taking care of yourself first. Keep yourself busy and visit the PTO site. We're glad you're here!
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Old 10-02-2013, 10:14 PM
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It doesn't get easier. You get stronger You'll find a whole new dimension to your relationship through letters, calls and visits. Breathe!! And welcome to PTO
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Old 10-02-2013, 10:31 PM
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Thank you so much for the replies. I got the address of the county jail he's at and poured my heart out in a letter and am looking into setting up a prepaid phone call account. It's nice to be able to talk to people who are so understanding.
I'm probably going to have to move out of state to my parents' house, I just don't think I'll be able to function here on my own, which sucks because that means visits will probably be limited.
Again, thank you so much for the kind words! It means a lot to me
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Old 10-03-2013, 12:16 AM
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So sorry you're going thru this! I remember the first few days when mine got locked up and know how hard it is. It's a major shock to the system to go from seeing, talking, being with that person everyday and then all of a sudden they are gone! Give yourself time to take it all in. Writing and phone calls def help. I love what another posted said "it doesn't get easier YOU get stronger"...Kudos for that quote and it's so true!!! Keep your head up =)
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Old 10-03-2013, 12:58 AM
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Sorry you are having a hard time it helps a lot to find things you love to do like crafts, reading, going to dinner with friends, involve yourself in activities you love. Staying busy makes the time go by faster. I love the quote you get stronger and with time it does get easier.
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Old 10-03-2013, 10:20 AM
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Welp, honestly I did the same thing. Cried and cried and cried some more. I wish I had great advice to give, but I don't. It's devastating to have someone you love taken away from you in this manner. I don't like using the phrase 'it gets easier'. I don't believe it does, but in time you'll adjust to this change. PTO is a great place to come for support. I only wish I knew about this place when my guy was arrested. Anyway take care.
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Old 10-03-2013, 01:11 PM
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First few days was the worst for me but it got easier from there on out and becomes weirdly normal after awhile. I kept myself busy and surrounded myself with loved ones.
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Old 10-03-2013, 07:21 PM
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I know how you feel I felt the same. I think I cried till I could no longer cry and my husband told remember that I had Christ in my life and to put my faith in him. Like the previous ladies said it won't get easier you will get stronger and I can attest to that. It hasn't gotten easier I have just learned how to deal with the situation better. I continue to put Christ first, my husband second and I go to work and school and I continue to take care of me. I realize that this is just a temporary situation that we are going through and it will be over soon.
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Old 10-03-2013, 09:01 PM
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The past few days have just been an emotional mess. I'm trying to focus on school but it's hard. Thanks again for all the support. It's so great to have a community full of others in this situation, because it's so easy to feel all alone.
I found out the county jail visitation hours and set up a prepaid phone account (still eagerly awaiting that first call) and was furious to see that the phone call rate is about a dollar per minute. Of course they would try to rip us off.
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Old 10-06-2013, 07:18 AM
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Hopefully he gets transferred quickly, the prison calls are SOuvh cheaper. Here county is $14.99 for 15 minutes, while the prison he is in is $2.57 for 20 minutes. G spent 3 mouths in county before being transferred and only called when he got a calling card, it was Terri my lonely. Just keep chugging along, it doesn't necessarily get easier, you just have fewer days you want to fall apart.
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Old 10-06-2013, 10:26 AM
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For me it did get easier, so easy that it feels like this is just regular life and I hardly ever cry or become upset at the fact that he's gone. Of course I wish he were home but I've learned to live this way and have found that it's easier for me to just accept our circumstances and not be miserable about a situation I can't change. I visit twice a week and we talk on the phone 4-5 times a day. I feel blessed that we can have that type of communication and just try to be happy with what little contact we do have, as opposed to being unhappy about all the things we are missing out on. This is the second bid I have done with him and I remember being sadder and more emotional during the first one. I'm happy to have a date to look forward to and know that he is coming home eventually, something not everyone gets to look forward to. Someone always has it worse and in the past few years I have learned to be thankful for what I do have rather than focusing on what I don't. It takes time to get to that place but you will make it there. The first few weeks and months are always the worst, but when you start getting into a routine with the calls, letters and visits you will feel better. I know this sounds crazy but in a way we are all blessed because we get a chance to realize how much we love and miss our other half when they are away. I have seen so many friend's and relative's relationships fail because they take their partner for granted. Bug and I have never really had a chance to take each other for granted because we're always waiting for the moment we can be back together. Naturally I wouldn't choose the separation if I had the choice but since I don't I try to find as many positive aspects as I can. When he comes home we'll be in the honeymoon phase for the third time in our marriage and not many people get to do that.
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Old 10-06-2013, 11:13 AM
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I can completely understand and each time I read about another person coming here and being so afraid, sad, confused, angry it brings it all back to me and how it was those first few months.

I guess I'd put it this way. Once I got thru the initial shock........(which took about 2 weeks to get thru for me) I had to learn to compartmentalize. I know people say that is a bad thing, but for me? It was the only way I could function.
I had a teenager to raise on my own, and a household to try to run, all alone.
I had a job that I had to go to.
I broke it down into smaller things I had to do.
Sleep. Wake up, get to work.
make sure son was ok, going to school (he was a teenager so its not like I had to drive him or make his lunch or what not)
leave work, go to the grocery, fix dinner,

YOu get my drift. I'd just break it down into smaller things to deal with in the immediate future.
Once I was alone at home, in my room.......then I'd lose it. Cry myself to sleep. and then try to stay that way. (asleep)

baby steps. Just one day, one hr, or one ten min period at a time if need be.
Im glad you have family you can turn to. Mine did help me out as much as they could, as well as some coworkers Im close to.
My heart goes out to you.

be kind to yourself right now. Allow others to help you.
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Old 10-06-2013, 04:40 PM
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I finally got my first phone calls and letter and that did so much to make me feel better. He has two court dates this week as well and I can go for a 15 minute visitation, so I'll at least get to see him.

The advice from all of you has been helpful!!! Keeping myself occupied by spending time with his family and working on school stuff has kept me from bursting into tears at any given moment. It's still hard though, especially at the end of the day when I go to bed alone.
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Old 10-09-2013, 08:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by patchouli View Post
It doesn't get easier. You get stronger You'll find a whole new dimension to your relationship through letters, calls and visits. Breathe!! And welcome to PTO
That's such a great way of looking at the situation!
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Old 10-10-2013, 11:15 AM
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I feel ur pain, I've been there b4. All I can say is try 2 reminisce on the good times that u have had 2gether, instead of what's going on right now. Look at pics, or other memorabilia. I know doing this might make u sad, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with crying sometimes u just need 2 get it out. I guarantee if u keep thinking about the good times, after the tears, u will feel a lot better. And remember that God will never put anything on ur shoulders he doesn't think u can handle. Also, try 2 spend time with his family, they understand more than anything what ur going through. The first week is always rough, but nothing lasts 4ever. This 2 shall pass.
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Old 10-10-2013, 11:48 AM
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I cannot relate as a girlfriend or wife but as a grandmother who raised her three grandchildren, it broke my heart when he called me and told me he was in jail for drug sales. My emotional health and physical health went down the tubes, I couldn't believe the mess he had gotten into. Long story short, he is now in Federal Prison in Loretto, Pennsylvania serving a mandatory minimum sentence of ten years. That is, after sitting in a county jail for over two years awaiting a sentencing hearing, no outside time, no windows to look out, just steel and concrete. He is doing well, accepts that he is the one who put himself in this predicament and his only concern is my health. All phone calls, emails and letters end with "I'm good if you're good" Granny. I am at peace because I know he is learning his lesson and will come home a better person with the rest of his life ahead of him. The hardest part for me was facing the fact that, after raising him since age 5, there was NOTHING I could do to make it better. I got past that because he asked me to. Bless all families who have to go through this pain and sorrow. It does help to know there are many of us and we are not alone.
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Old 10-11-2013, 02:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs.bug View Post
For me it did get easier, so easy that it feels like this is just regular life and I hardly ever cry or become upset at the fact that he's gone. Of course I wish he were home but I've learned to live this way and have found that it's easier for me to just accept our circumstances and not be miserable about a situation I can't change. I visit twice a week and we talk on the phone 4-5 times a day. I feel blessed that we can have that type of communication and just try to be happy with what little contact we do have, as opposed to being unhappy about all the things we are missing out on. This is the second bid I have done with him and I remember being sadder and more emotional during the first one. I'm happy to have a date to look forward to and know that he is coming home eventually, something not everyone gets to look forward to. Someone always has it worse and in the past few years I have learned to be thankful for what I do have rather than focusing on what I don't. It takes time to get to that place but you will make it there. The first few weeks and months are always the worst, but when you start getting into a routine with the calls, letters and visits you will feel better. I know this sounds crazy but in a way we are all blessed because we get a chance to realize how much we love and miss our other half when they are away. I have seen so many friend's and relative's relationships fail because they take their partner for granted. Bug and I have never really had a chance to take each other for granted because we're always waiting for the moment we can be back together. Naturally I wouldn't choose the separation if I had the choice but since I don't I try to find as many positive aspects as I can. When he comes home we'll be in the honeymoon phase for the third time in our marriage and not many people get to do that.

I also feel this way! I remember the first few days were so hard but then I just accepted that he isn't going to be home for a period of time and no amount of tears will change that, so I just got back into my own routine and keeping myself busy and now I kinda feel guilty that I don't miss him as much! I know he'll be home within a matter of a few months so until then I just keep doing what I do luckily I have a 5 year old to keep me busy with kickboxing and rugby ( I'm in the UK, not sure if you have rugby in America?) every week! Lol I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful man, we have such a special bond and a prison sentence cannot break that, I need to be strong for him too, bring on the next 8 mo ths xxx
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