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Letters & Stories from Inmates & X-Cons Post all letters, stories and information from inmates and ex-convicts here. Share their perspective with the rest of us who have not been on the inside.

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  #1  
Old 06-20-2013, 12:58 PM
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Exclamation What they think of women who love them

This is from a friend of mine, a pen-pal I have written to for 10+ years. He is commenting on the fact that my husband whom I met while incarcerated, married, waited 8 years, spent 2 years homeless on the streets in San Diego while he was on Parole, got through parole, moved to AZ, just up and left without saying a word! Went to work and never came home. Sent someone to pick up his stuff.

Here is what my friend had to say about it all. He is a lifer, been in 22+ years.

"Personally, I think you need to (should always HAVE been) st higher standards on who you choose to bring into your life. I hate to say this, and at the risk of sinking my own boat, you would probably do well to STOP dealing with prisoners/felons/convicts. Sure, every now and then a gem can be found, but that isn't the point. There's nothing noble or sensible about picking men who can do little for you. Plus, it's suspect (from the man's perspective). 99% of the guys in here will SAY whatever a woman wants to hear, at least while he's IN here. 99% of the men in here will get with damn near any woman who shows up. It's not that guys don't have standards in here, it's just that in here the everyday necessity of the situation makes men get into relationships that they ordinarily wouldn't. It's hard to say this, dear, but yes, men lower their standards. That isn't to say that any given woman isn't a good woman...she may in fact be. What I mean is that in here, men don't have the luxury of being picky, and most aren't. I've seen it first hand and heard it out of a thousand guy's mouths. Dudes in here have gotten with chicks who they wouldn't have looked at twice on the streets. It's pragmatism at its best. When one has nothing, they'll take anything."

"Therein lay the inherent problem with chicks getting with men in prison: You'll never be 100% certain that it is YOU or the circumstance that brought the two of you together. That said, I'm not saying that genuine relationships and love HAVEN'T been found and established in these situations".

"You better be taking all this in because I'm giving you a bunch of game that isn't supposed to be disclosed. This is privileged information...prison code. And I'm breaking it for you".

"Continuing on...this is generally how guys in here view this issue. We figure that generally (and I mean GENERALLY because there are certainly exceptions to the rule), women who gravitate to men in prison are flawed. I know that sounds terrible, but think about it like this: WHAT woman in her right mind, with things going for herself, with good self-esteem, and with options (ACCEPTABLE options) OUT THERE, would WANT a relationship with a dude who is, more often than not, a loser? SO it brings into question the value of the chick. From our perspedtive, the kinds of women most of us WANT are not interested in being with US, understandably. Conversely, we view, rightly oe wrongly, women who have relationships with prisoners as desperate. Chicks who don't really have options out there."

"That's Harsh, but I'm just telling youu what the dynamics are."

"Now, there's another aspect to this. Control. Many chicks LIKE having relationships with dudes in prison because of the control it gives them in the relationship. Bottom line, SHE is in complete control. Men will put up with and go along with damn near anything out of duress and fear of her leaving him high and dry. That sounds like a guy's motivations are not good, but it isn't that at all. It's pragmatism. Relationship equals, in many cases, physical survival at some level. Emotional survival at others. Packages, mail, visits, canteen, etc. It's simple math. If a girl is contributing such things, she's good as gold, and many gals know that. Though they may not hold that over dude's head, it's always there in the back of the dude's mind, I can assure you of that!"

"So gals like these situations if for no other reason than the power it gives them in the relationship. Literally everything is their call. Now, that doesn't mean that the guy won't develop some real feelings for the girl...doing things like I just told you about makes a girl mighty attractive."

"So that's just something you should know about these situations, hon. From both sides, women choosing men in jail means certain things and indicates certain things. You mentioned in your letter why, if he wasn't in it for the long haul didn't he just tell you? You asked how he could just throw it all away after all you've been through? I hate to say it so bluntly, but, EASILY. That's because you got him at his lowest point, and "rescued him," for lack of a better term. This is what happens when one starts a relationship from the position of necessity: ANY flotation device will seem like the Love Boat."

"So there you have it. Now you know SOME of the things that men in prison know and feel about relationships while incarcerated. Not to call all the men in here users, because all of us are not. But in the harsh light of reality, love doesn't feed us, love doesn't keep deoderant under our arms, toothpaste in our mouths, or soap on our bodies. It doesn't do ANYTHING that's substitute for these things. A man in jail will choose physical support over all the lovey-dovey stuff any day of the week. Sure, guys LIKE relationships: we like food and other requirements of prison better. To that end, practically any gal that shows up will do. Hell, I've seen dudes in here strike up "relationships" with punks (homosexuals) because the punk was taking care of them. They'd NEVER have a physical relationship with another dude, but if telling this punk that they love him and are into him keeps him looked after, so be it. Again, pragmatism. One doesn't scoff at support, no matter who's providing it."

So there you have it ladies. Right out of the horses mouth. Pay attention. If you are co-dependent, grossly overweight, or other problems, work on yourself first. Don't go looking for someone else to make you feel better about yourself. It doesn't last.
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Old 06-20-2013, 03:12 PM
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Even with this coming out of one horse's mouth it will fall on many deaf ears. He made some valued points but how do you know if you found a rotten one or a good one if you don't give it a try. I will agree that women need to understand that they can not lose themselves in these types of relationships and if you never found yourself first then please don't think a man rather he is locked up or not is going to be able to find you, for you. In life most of us don't see the train wreck coming. We swear we are different and it won't happen to us. The truth is anything is possible. I read threads like this and I take the memories from it and leave the rest. Cause one thing about horses is their is plenty of them and they live many lifestyles. Some are on a farm with a caregiver that know little about raising a horse, so they are slowing dying, some are being trained to race, some are show horses, etc. so you just have to be your own person or shall I say your own horse. On here we have seen many failed relationships and we have seen many inspiring relationships. What do they all have in common, someone gave it a try.
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Old 06-21-2013, 12:57 AM
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While I agree with your pen pal, Enjay, and I have heard all this from my LO before, I have seen it happening with my own eyes, I still strongly agree with Klewis.

If you give up beforehand, you'll never win. Keep your eyes open and use your common sense. Both ways. Do not see red flags where there are non, but if there really is, admit it and do something about it.
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Old 06-21-2013, 02:43 PM
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I read this, then reread & wasn't going to comment. (sigh) But here goes...

First, thanks for the advice & your concern for others. Please adhere, since your friend is trying to help you out. As posted above, sometimes you gotta just take a chance on love, otherwise you'll never know. Does it happen often? I guess but this is my take on this entire situation.

Anyone can be used, inside or out. Male or female, "grossly overweight" or a perfect 10. What I don't like, is how the one who gets dupped, places ALL the blame on the other person. We are victims, when we allow ourselves to be victimized, in THIS sense. I preach to my children, people treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you. Simple as that, sorry!

So... my point is this. You were in love, you gave it your all. You put your heart into it, your life on the line (being homeless) and it didn't work out. It happens, that's love... that's life!! Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose?? I'm sure he had his reasons, whether they are self centered, evil, wrong etc.

Learn from your mistakes, take away the good, cherish the memories. Remember that at least you were fortunate enough to be happy & oh-so-in-love at some point. If you weren't happy, who's to blame? You made your choices, nowMOVE ON!!

I'm a firm believer that men, men not boys or abusers, don't wanna be with a woman that allows herself to be treated badly, inmate or otherwise?? Just my thoughts....

Thanks again & good luck .....
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Old 06-21-2013, 04:36 PM
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Well, to be fair, he did say not all inmates are like that.

That said, lets face it, he speaks the truth.
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Old 06-21-2013, 05:37 PM
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"So you're tellin me there's a chance......YEAH!"
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Old 06-21-2013, 07:01 PM
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My sweetheart and I had a similar conversation this morning. Bottom line these men would be the same men inside or out. As far as women go any time you devalue your lofe and stop living for you this is the chance we take. Just like the OP stated we have to start taking more resposibilty for this as women. Some where during a 1 year period 2or 3 year period there was signs. You never stop livong your life for anyone and beware of someone who isnt rooting and clapping for you along the way! We have to recognize when we or our partner isnt healthy enough for a relationship and move on. We are responsible for our own hearts. The money you spend isnt your investment its the quality of the relationship that is the investment!
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Old 06-21-2013, 07:24 PM
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How many men do all this stuff with women on the outside just to get them to sleep with them, spend money on them, have them take care of them, etc. This happens in ALL relationships whether people want to believe it or not. Men on the outside stay married for years to women they don't love because it's comfortable. They get their laundry done, meals cooked, sex, and children raised. This type of behavior is not unique to men incarcerated. If he's an ass, he's an ass. Plain and simple. It's true that my love may have not have picked me up at a bar or picked me out on a dating site but all the women he has dated have been totally wrong for him and the relationships failed. We write 4-5 times a week, talk on the phone several times each weekend and I visit when I can. This has been consistent for the last year and a half. I only pay for our phone calls and send no money to him at all. His letters to me are not always 10 pages long but I do get several a week and they are not just lovey dovey letters though there is lots of that too. We talk about everything and anything under the sun.

He has 8+ years left if he doesn't win on his appeal we will be together when he is released. If for some reason he has felt compelled to not be sincere in his feelings for me or our relationship that is all on HIM. While he does speak the truth for some people in some situations I believe if the OP was honest she saw signs that this relationship was not 100% honest. If she didn't and he simply did a 180 degree change then there was nothing she could of done about preventing it anyway.

My advice is to keep your relationship realistic but don't let posts like this rule what YOUR relationship is or will be.
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Old 06-24-2013, 03:31 AM
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As it's been said, this could happen anywhere.

I can't tell you how many times in college I knew guys who were using girls. They would flat out tell us this. They would manipulate them and lead them on with no intention of really having a serious relationship. Many would cheat and treat their girls like crap. Were all guys like this? Of course not. But a lot of them were. And its not just college that this seen.

But before you flame the male gender for this...some women can be just as bad. Some women are very good manipulators themselves. I've seen that happen too.

I've met a few people who are on their 3rd marriage. Everyone has had failed relationships. Everyone experiences this in life. That's nothing new. It's part of life. It's part of learning. Just use common sense. Listen to your gut. And look for red flags. This is true when pursuing ANY relationship with ANYONE.
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Old 06-24-2013, 05:39 AM
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he is telling the truth. and coming from the view point of watching this crap happen over and over and over again, i am so tired of it. some of the women i know do this for attention, drama, control and other things and it makes me ill. I knew my husband for years before he was incarcerated, went through trial and sentencing with him, and here I am now 6 years later. Do I have my doubts? Well duh, any woman in her right mind whether her husband is in or out has doubts from time to time. and any woman who denies it is full of it. The point is to look the truth in the face, and own up to it when its quitting time.
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Old 06-24-2013, 03:10 PM
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I wanted to reply because even though your friend said that this does not apply to every inmate' but 99% will get with any woman to ease a desperate situation. while i do agree this is a higher percentage than in the free world' i dont know if its 99% i was thinking maybe 90% but i dont have any study to refer to with actual statistics.
I have to say that although i knew my man on the outside' when we RWI he didnt rush in with any bullshit fantasy scenerio's. he never told me he was gonna change or that he was in love with me after a month. we took our time as our relationship evolved naturally.
when i was very young i was with a man that i stood by' knew him from the outside and was faithful and by his side 18 months. within 2 weeks he was cheating and treating me like crap' yea' he was a loser that i couldnt see it and i did believe the lies' but i was 17 and quite naive. so even though i knew him before jail he played me.
The last point i want to make is regarding the statement that men think "what woman in her right mind would want a relationship with a dude that is basically a loser?" yes' i could understand many loser's thinking only another loser is gonna want them! I am so happy to say my man definetly is not a loser! Never was and Never will be. He has class and dignity about himself' even being thru bad times' he is educated and super smart and yes a hustler but he is not grimy in the least. So based on the perspective i feel in the friends letter' I can say that yea' there is alot of truth to what he said. I can get any man i want out here. Neither one of us is loser's thats for sure. so how does this help other people? i guess they need to look at themselves and their men and assess their individual relationship. and it doesnt hurt to ask themselves how is he treating them.
My man would never have me and him homeless for 2 years or even 2 days. and im sorry i wouldnt be choosing to be with a man living in the streets for 2 years. i know its hard out there but trust if a man is healthy and determined he will not give up until he has a place for himself and family. it sounds like this man had alot of issues maybe drugs or mental health issues.
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:43 AM
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I do agree with some of what was said but also this doesn't apply to just men behind bars this also goes for men out here on the street people use people for many of reasons ...

I think sometimes with women we are sometimes too gulible when it comes to a man especially one that is giving us that attention that we are seeking.

People are good bullsh*tters and can paint you a beautiful picture for you and make you believe those things .... but sometimes its just bullSh*t and not geniune intentions and sometimes it's truth and true intentions and its love.

Gotta be smart && Go in with both eyes wide open and not be so guilble - you know when somebody is just running game on you (:

But only time can truly tell you if somebody is being true and their intentions are REAL!!!
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Old 06-28-2013, 09:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by classycrazy View Post
he is telling the truth. and coming from the view point of watching this crap happen over and over and over again, i am so tired of it. some of the women i know do this for attention, drama, control and other things and it makes me ill. I knew my husband for years before he was incarcerated, went through trial and sentencing with him, and here I am now 6 years later. Do I have my doubts? Well duh, any woman in her right mind whether her husband is in or out has doubts from time to time. and any woman who denies it is full of it. The point is to look the truth in the face, and own up to it when its quitting time.
i agree with you and the OP's friend. as someone else said the post will fall on deaf ears.and the old stand by of ' you can be used on the streets to' will be invoked.well yeah, that's true but when you meet someone on the streets you have MET them. gone on dates with them, talked to them,ate with them, and even had sex with them. you know them better than you can know someone that you met as a pen pal or some man your friends hooked you up with. it's amazing that some will read the OP's post and others and still say that we are wrong in this line of thinking.
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Old 06-28-2013, 11:32 PM
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Haha, great letter! If you don't believe it your in denial...so funny...
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Old 06-29-2013, 12:22 AM
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Haha, great letter! If you don't believe it your in denial...so funny...
Some of us are NOT in denial though. How else can you explain the many successful MWI relationships of our members (post-incarceration)? While there are scoundrels out there (in and out of prison) there are exceptions to every rule and stereotypes are just that... I'm just sayin' (and livin' it)...
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Old 06-30-2013, 12:35 AM
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Let me say one thing. When my husband and I first got together he just smoked weed once in awhile. Then he started using heroin and meth. Yes, this is inside. He quit when I threatened to divorce him. He stayed cleaned for 6 years inside and 2 years out while on parole. When he got off parole and we moved to AZ he was back in his old stomping grounds and running into old "friends." He started using telling me he wasn't but the signs were there. It got worse and worse. THEN he left. So, in my case, my husband relapsed and went back to his old ways. Did he use me or did he love me? Only he knows for sure but I feel we loved each other.

My point is, if they had a drug or alcohol problem in the past, it can rear up and bite them in the ass! And we are NOT at fault. Drugs and alcohol have ruined many peoples relationships and lives.

Just another way to look at this whole issue. My pen pal was just telling it like he sees it in there. No two relationships are the same! Just keep your eyes and ears open, ladies.
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Old 06-30-2013, 04:53 AM
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Let me say one thing. When my husband and I first got together he just smoked weed once in awhile. Then he started using heroin and meth. Yes, this is inside. He quit when I threatened to divorce him. He stayed cleaned for 6 years inside and 2 years out while on parole. When he got off parole and we moved to AZ he was back in his old stomping grounds and running into old "friends." He started using telling me he wasn't but the signs were there. It got worse and worse. THEN he left. So, in my case, my husband relapsed and went back to his old ways. Did he use me or did he love me? Only he knows for sure but I feel we loved each other.

My point is, if they had a drug or alcohol problem in the past, it can rear up and bite them in the ass! And we are NOT at fault. Drugs and alcohol have ruined many peoples relationships and lives.

Just another way to look at this whole issue. My pen pal was just telling it like he sees it in there. No two relationships are the same! Just keep your eyes and ears open, ladies.
It's too bad that he could stay clean when you weren't "together" but not when you were. I agree that drugs and alcohol have ruined many a relationship and many lives but this happens whether someone met while incarcerated, met before incarceration or met out here.

I have a hard time believing that he used you for that long of a period of time. People change and people make decisions that aren't always the right ones. If he stayed clean for that long he had love for you and himself at the time. "Just keep your eyes and ears open, ladies" This could be said of any relationship, inside or out.
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:25 AM
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"So you're tellin me there's a chance......YEAH!"
There is definitely a chance!!! There are some gems out there and a lot of us have one. I'm post MWI and although we are in a long distance relationship. I see everyday how hard my babe tries to keep our relationship a priority. After 2 years of having a relationship while in prison, I made sure that I looked out for any red flags..and thankfully there wasn't. You have to be mindful and really observe who you're with.
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Old 07-03-2013, 09:52 AM
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What Enjays pen pal said wasn't wrong. My ex-MWI often told me about the scams inmates ran on pen pals and MWIs...and how they would put up pen pal ads purely for a source of income. That said, there are some genuine inmates our there who are looking to find someone to connect with on the outside, but Id say they were quite rare and the women who have posted here with happy stories have been lucky enough to find them.

Also, I scrolled through some of the previous posts of Enjay. In her case, there were many red flags that she didn't consider, and its only when you ignore these flags...that you get into trouble.
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Old 07-03-2013, 11:55 AM
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I've never "gravitated" toward men in prison. Nor did I gravitate toward my husband. I've had plenty of chances to develop MWI relationships as a correctional nurse. Never once happened, nor did I want it to. It would've been psychologically exploitative as far as I'm personally concerned.

My husband has more money, more education and more family support than I do. He too has had multiple opportunities to develop MWI relationships with officers in his unit and random women who wrote to him that he never responded to.

We're all flawed. Whether we choose to be with someone who's incarcerated or not. It would be much easier for my husband to go home to a house that his parents bought just for him to move in to than for him to come home to me as I have no support system and am a mother without a pot to piss in. A couple of years ago my husband found out that I still hadn't paid the hundreds of dollars it cost to take my RN boards and pay for my license. I was working two jobs as an LPN and bothered him so much to see me struggle that he had his mother take money out of his own freeworld savings account, complete the paperwork on my behalf and send it all in to the board of nursing for me. He didn't say one word to me about it and I didn't even know it was him until much later. I have never given him one dime, and he's never asked me to.

Men like him are rare outside of prison, and even moreso in prison. I admit this. But the fact that I married a felon does not detract from my stability or emotional health and has nothing to do with my self worth. The fact that my husband's conviction is public knowledge has not one thing to do with whether or not anyone else would want to be in a relationship with me. If anyone were to meet him outside of prison, it would be very hard to believe that he was ever convicted of anything. Would my self worth or psychological stability be questioned had you NOT known that we met and were married prior to his release from prison? Nope. I guarantee it.

I take exception to the fact that the only difference between my husband's criminal history and that of another man is that HE GOT CAUGHT, dictates my worth as a psychologically stable, healthy woman to the writer of this letter.

While I respect the sociological implications that are unique to MWI relationships and admit that many times, the points made in this letter are true, many OTHER times they just aren't. I am in a position to take full financial advantage of both my husband and his parents. I'd never even think to do so. But the honest truth is that there are quite a few other marriages like mine in my husband's unit. Just because they're outside of the writer's perspective does not mean that they aren't more numerous than his scope of vision allows for him to see.

Last edited by LaLuuz; 07-03-2013 at 11:58 AM..
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Old 07-10-2013, 04:41 PM
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I could never be a MWI. It's not for me, but to each their own. He made valid points, but not all men are like that.
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Old 07-23-2013, 01:10 PM
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This is from a friend of mine, a pen-pal I have written to for 10+ years. He is commenting on the fact that my husband whom I met while incarcerated, married, waited 8 years, spent 2 years homeless on the streets in San Diego while he was on Parole, got through parole, moved to AZ, just up and left without saying a word! Went to work and never came home. Sent someone to pick up his stuff.

Here is what my friend had to say about it all. He is a lifer, been in 22+ years.

"Personally, I think you need to (should always HAVE been) st higher standards on who you choose to bring into your life. I hate to say this, and at the risk of sinking my own boat, you would probably do well to STOP dealing with prisoners/felons/convicts. Sure, every now and then a gem can be found, but that isn't the point. There's nothing noble or sensible about picking men who can do little for you. Plus, it's suspect (from the man's perspective). 99% of the guys in here will SAY whatever a woman wants to hear, at least while he's IN here. 99% of the men in here will get with damn near any woman who shows up. It's not that guys don't have standards in here, it's just that in here the everyday necessity of the situation makes men get into relationships that they ordinarily wouldn't. It's hard to say this, dear, but yes, men lower their standards. That isn't to say that any given woman isn't a good woman...she may in fact be. What I mean is that in here, men don't have the luxury of being picky, and most aren't. I've seen it first hand and heard it out of a thousand guy's mouths. Dudes in here have gotten with chicks who they wouldn't have looked at twice on the streets. It's pragmatism at its best. When one has nothing, they'll take anything."

"Therein lay the inherent problem with chicks getting with men in prison: You'll never be 100% certain that it is YOU or the circumstance that brought the two of you together. That said, I'm not saying that genuine relationships and love HAVEN'T been found and established in these situations".

"You better be taking all this in because I'm giving you a bunch of game that isn't supposed to be disclosed. This is privileged information...prison code. And I'm breaking it for you".

"Continuing on...this is generally how guys in here view this issue. We figure that generally (and I mean GENERALLY because there are certainly exceptions to the rule), women who gravitate to men in prison are flawed. I know that sounds terrible, but think about it like this: WHAT woman in her right mind, with things going for herself, with good self-esteem, and with options (ACCEPTABLE options) OUT THERE, would WANT a relationship with a dude who is, more often than not, a loser? SO it brings into question the value of the chick. From our perspedtive, the kinds of women most of us WANT are not interested in being with US, understandably. Conversely, we view, rightly oe wrongly, women who have relationships with prisoners as desperate. Chicks who don't really have options out there."

"That's Harsh, but I'm just telling youu what the dynamics are."

"Now, there's another aspect to this. Control. Many chicks LIKE having relationships with dudes in prison because of the control it gives them in the relationship. Bottom line, SHE is in complete control. Men will put up with and go along with damn near anything out of duress and fear of her leaving him high and dry. That sounds like a guy's motivations are not good, but it isn't that at all. It's pragmatism. Relationship equals, in many cases, physical survival at some level. Emotional survival at others. Packages, mail, visits, canteen, etc. It's simple math. If a girl is contributing such things, she's good as gold, and many gals know that. Though they may not hold that over dude's head, it's always there in the back of the dude's mind, I can assure you of that!"

"So gals like these situations if for no other reason than the power it gives them in the relationship. Literally everything is their call. Now, that doesn't mean that the guy won't develop some real feelings for the girl...doing things like I just told you about makes a girl mighty attractive."

"So that's just something you should know about these situations, hon. From both sides, women choosing men in jail means certain things and indicates certain things. You mentioned in your letter why, if he wasn't in it for the long haul didn't he just tell you? You asked how he could just throw it all away after all you've been through? I hate to say it so bluntly, but, EASILY. That's because you got him at his lowest point, and "rescued him," for lack of a better term. This is what happens when one starts a relationship from the position of necessity: ANY flotation device will seem like the Love Boat."

"So there you have it. Now you know SOME of the things that men in prison know and feel about relationships while incarcerated. Not to call all the men in here users, because all of us are not. But in the harsh light of reality, love doesn't feed us, love doesn't keep deoderant under our arms, toothpaste in our mouths, or soap on our bodies. It doesn't do ANYTHING that's substitute for these things. A man in jail will choose physical support over all the lovey-dovey stuff any day of the week. Sure, guys LIKE relationships: we like food and other requirements of prison better. To that end, practically any gal that shows up will do. Hell, I've seen dudes in here strike up "relationships" with punks (homosexuals) because the punk was taking care of them. They'd NEVER have a physical relationship with another dude, but if telling this punk that they love him and are into him keeps him looked after, so be it. Again, pragmatism. One doesn't scoff at support, no matter who's providing it."

So there you have it ladies. Right out of the horses mouth. Pay attention. If you are co-dependent, grossly overweight, or other problems, work on yourself first. Don't go looking for someone else to make you feel better about yourself. It doesn't last.
Excellent thread an no doubt it is 100% true.
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Old 07-24-2013, 05:38 AM
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Excellent thread an no doubt it is 100% true.
It's not 100% true because there are people right on this forum that have relationships that are nothing like this at all.
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Old 07-24-2013, 06:09 AM
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I believe what your pen pal says is true. I also believe that those who need to hear this the most,will completely disregard it. I thank you for sharing it. It takes guts to post something like this.
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Old 09-01-2013, 11:06 PM
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i have seen this happen alot but i have seen the side too. if never give it a chance how do you know? always try to see the good in things even if it hurts
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