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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 02-16-2013, 12:58 PM
NeverDull NeverDull is offline
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Default Bad day...

I went to see my man this morning and there is this woman from the Russian church who is there every day. I've never talked to her but today she sat next to me in the waiting area and asked where my man is from and if he had been in prison (they wear different colors if they have criminal history). She told me she is also from Moldova and she has been visiting detainees for 9 years. She went on to try to explain how my man could have stayed by renouncing his citizenship, blah, blah, blah...well sorry, lady but it's too late and I don't think she knows what she's talking about. But I listened to her and tried to be polite and not let it get to me. However, by the time I went back to see him I was fighting tears and that bitter realization that he can't stay hit me again.

The second he saw me he knew something was wrong. When I started to tell him tears welled up in my eyes and then he started yelling. "You should have told that old lady to STFU and mind her own business! Why can't you do that? WHY do you have to tell people OUR business???" I was stunned and then he went on to say "I had a crappy morning too! My grandma is getting worse! She's dying! They have to take off her other leg! And my mom told me this morning that my best friend is getting married and now I don't know if I will be back in time and I don't have a suit to go to his wedding...." On and on and on...OMG he was in the worst mood!!! He was venting and yelling so I kept quiet and tried not to cry and then he said "So are we just gonna sit here and you look like someone died? That doesn't help!" He was soooo negative and I almost wanted to walk out. I know he's exhausted, frustrated and at the end of his rope waiting to get out, but MAN!!!! His neck and shoulders are killing him from the tension and he said we need to make our calls shorter because the way he has to hold the phone is hurting his neck more (???) It was like Mr. Hyde came out today!! I reminded him NOT to take crap out on me because *I* am the one who is always there for him and on his side...in fact he just wrote me a long letter apologizing for his "a-hole moments" (like this) and how he wants to keep working on it and he's sorry for every tear I have ever cried for him and how much he appreciates me, etc. on and on and on...how he can't wait for us to be together and he will do everything in his power to make sure it happens.....it was a good letter and this is what I know to be the truth deep inside even on days like today.

But what sucks is we are supposed to have a contact visit this afternoon and part of me almost doesn't want it because he's in such a foul mood and I feel like he needs some cooling off time. Then again I also know if I can go in there with the right attitude then hopefully I can lift him up a bit. God knows he always does that for me. Its just harder to lift him up. I know him well enough to know that he's really worried about his grandma and he wants to spend time with her and yet he wants to be with me too so I think a part of him is questioning if the trip we have planned is selfish of us. Me being sad about him not being able to stay just kind of pushed him over the edge.

Ladies, I need some words of encouragement today. I know I need to go in there this afternoon with a good attitude and "entertain him"...he needs his mind off of all this stuff for a little while. It's just hard for me to shift gears like that when he's in this mood. Sigh. Sorry for such a long post...I just have no one to talk to about this...normally I would talk to him, but....
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Old 02-16-2013, 02:47 PM
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It is hard to be there for someone when you are having a hard time as well. If you are going into him today, just be yourself, be honest how you are feeling. Hopefully, he will remember today that you are there for him and he will not take his frustration out on you. If you are in it together, then he needs to be there for you too. Good luck.
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Old 02-16-2013, 03:23 PM
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In any relationship, it has to be okay to sometimes NOT have the perfect thing to say or the perfect solution to the problem. There are going to be uncomfortable silences from time to time, and moments where an unstoppable force meets an immovable object and at the end of the day all that results is a big BOOM. Can't do anything to change that. The difference is the strong, solid relationships survive those moments and are stronger for it in the end, and I truly feel yours is one of those relationships.

He loves you. You love him. That's not the problem. Right now is just a stressful time. He's living in a world of uncertainty, and now that the finish line is within reach he is just ready to get the hell out of there and start the next phase of his life. And you want that for him too, but are also having to face the reality that it means he'll be physically far, far away from you, so you're doing your best to be supportive even as it's ripping you in half.

This is hard on BOTH of you for different reasons. That's the first thing to remember, and on that note forgive yourself if you're not able to paste the supportive, "everything's fine" smile on your face when you see him. It's okay to have your bad days and your down moments. Unfortunately it sounds like both of you are having one of those days on the same day this time, which means there isn't someone left to lift you up.

Still, I think you know as well as I do that you'd regret not going at all to that contact visit, since your visits are eventually going to come to an end when he's deported. So for now go and just be yourself. Do your best to support him, and also know I'm sure he'll do his best in his own way to support you even if he is having one of what you've called his 'asshole moments'...but it's okay if you don't have all the right answers today. It's OKAY. Your relationship is strong. It's solid. It can weather the uncomfortable silences and frustratingly unsolvable problems that come along from time to time. I truly believe that.

There are some days where J and I get into arguments and there isn't any easy, simple way to back out of it. We just have to sit with the awkward, uncomfortable silences for a while until things slowly get better. And in that respect, it might actually be a really good thing for you two to have this contact visit. It might start out a bit uncomfortable at first, but by the end you'll both have the chance to resolve things a bit.

I wish there was a magic answer for you, NeverDull. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away all the frustrating feelings you have; no one would deserve to have that done for them more than you. But unfortunately these are those feelings you just have to FEEL. Let them pass through. And recognize they're going to pass as slow or as fast as they darn well please. Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, you're there to support him, but he's also there to support you.

As for the trip and whether or not it's selfish...at the end of the day, you're in his life too. And this is something you're planning together. Maybe in the end the trip might get postponed by a month or two if he feels it's necessary due to his grandmother's health, but it's not selfish for you two to want time together either. You're an important, vital part of his life too, and never forget it. You're no more or less important than his grandmother. Don't worry about that too much right now. Just take things one day at a time, and remember we're all here for you when you need support.
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Old 02-16-2013, 05:08 PM
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Never Dull ~ Hey girl, I'm sorry your day hasn't gone so well thus far and hope it gets better. Ummm, I'm just gonna say this and if you had time to think about you probably know already as I suppose I'm predictable....

Where does he get off? I know he has a lot on his plate, I know he is super stressed, I know the conditions are awful, I know emotions are raw, I know he doesn't mean to trreat you unkindly, I also know it's just as difficult for you, different perhaps but you just can't measure this side by side and a pick a freakin' winner, yanno?

At any rate I am sure you have or will have handled this by the time you see my little 2 cents worth, which I will add to so I can say that I'm sure his mood will improve and he apologize for being a jerkwad.

Can we just get to the Bahama's already????
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Old 02-16-2013, 08:58 PM
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Hi ladies...thank you. The visit was good. He had calmed down and he apologized. He is feeling really overwhelmed and actually his best friends wedding is kind of freaking him out. He hasn't spoken to him since just before he got arrested and his friend has NO idea he has been in prison. You have to understand this is a HUGE shame to him. He will eventually tell him but certainly not on his wedding day! Anyway, he really just wanted to be at home for a few weeks laying low and not talking to anyone except family so he can get used to not only being free again, but being back in that country and culture. And this just overwhelmed him some more. He said he secretly almost hopes his flight will be after the wedding so he doesn't have to deal with it, but of course that makes him feel guilty too. Oh and he ALSO found out one of his close cousins is super sick in the hospital with pneumonia. He is the kind of man that wants to fix everything so all of this is just a lot for him on top of everything else. Yes, I'm going through a tough time, but honestly it's 1,000 times harder for him so I need to keep my big girl panties on and be his rock. That doesn't mean I'll let him walk on me (he knows better than that!) and I DO tell him when he's crossed the line with yelling and he always apologizes because he wants to treat me with respect. So in the end we had a good visit and he told me how much he appreciates me. He also referenced our trip quite a few times so it's obviously still on...he just needs to get home and see what's going on there. Gosh this is such a stressful time! But I managed to tell him some jokes and we laughed quite a bit, flirted, held hands a lot, and had a great CO who let us visit for 2-1/2 hours instead of one.

I also finally got his bag checked in. It's kind of an odd feeling because part of me feels relief since I had things to get (and included a few surprises for him) so I was running around all week and I have a partially torn Achilles' tendon (yep...never a dull moment!) and I'm just DONE dealing with all of it, but of course it makes it a but more "real" that he's leaving. Then again, leaving means we are one day closer to being together again.

And yes Patty....I wish we were at the Bahamas stage too!
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Old 02-17-2013, 03:03 AM
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Sounds like you have been on an emotional roller coaster here lately...Sorry he took all that out on you, sometimes we tend to do that to the ones we love most and don't mean to at all, ya know? I know I am guilty of that..But, on the flip side, I am glad your visit went well..I know that you must be super excited for the coming weeks.. I know I would be Stay strong lady and I look forward to reading the "happily ever after stories"



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Originally Posted by NeverDull View Post
Hi ladies...thank you. The visit was good. He had calmed down and he apologized. He is feeling really overwhelmed and actually his best friends wedding is kind of freaking him out. He hasn't spoken to him since just before he got arrested and his friend has NO idea he has been in prison. You have to understand this is a HUGE shame to him. He will eventually tell him but certainly not on his wedding day! Anyway, he really just wanted to be at home for a few weeks laying low and not talking to anyone except family so he can get used to not only being free again, but being back in that country and culture. And this just overwhelmed him some more. He said he secretly almost hopes his flight will be after the wedding so he doesn't have to deal with it, but of course that makes him feel guilty too. Oh and he ALSO found out one of his close cousins is super sick in the hospital with pneumonia. He is the kind of man that wants to fix everything so all of this is just a lot for him on top of everything else. Yes, I'm going through a tough time, but honestly it's 1,000 times harder for him so I need to keep my big girl panties on and be his rock. That doesn't mean I'll let him walk on me (he knows better than that!) and I DO tell him when he's crossed the line with yelling and he always apologizes because he wants to treat me with respect. So in the end we had a good visit and he told me how much he appreciates me. He also referenced our trip quite a few times so it's obviously still on...he just needs to get home and see what's going on there. Gosh this is such a stressful time! But I managed to tell him some jokes and we laughed quite a bit, flirted, held hands a lot, and had a great CO who let us visit for 2-1/2 hours instead of one.

I also finally got his bag checked in. It's kind of an odd feeling because part of me feels relief since I had things to get (and included a few surprises for him) so I was running around all week and I have a partially torn Achilles' tendon (yep...never a dull moment!) and I'm just DONE dealing with all of it, but of course it makes it a but more "real" that he's leaving. Then again, leaving means we are one day closer to being together again.

And yes Patty....I wish we were at the Bahamas stage too!
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Old 02-17-2013, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by schatzie73
Sounds like you have been on an emotional roller coaster here lately...Sorry he took all that out on you, sometimes we tend to do that to the ones we love most and don't mean to at all, ya know? I know I am guilty of that..But, on the flip side, I am glad your visit went well..I know that you must be super excited for the coming weeks.. I know I would be Stay strong lady and I look forward to reading the "happily ever after stories"
Yeah...he did kind of take those frustrations out on me. He's a lot younger than me and I know he feels really stupid when he calms down and realizes he was acting like a baby. For instance I said there might be a problem with the size of the bag I got for his stuff and he said "You know what, just throw it all away! I don't care anymore! I'll just go home in this prison uniform!" Part of me wanted to ask him if he was gonna hold his breath until he turned blue too, but I refrained...somehow I don't think that would have gone over too well! LOL!! Instead I calmly said "Please stop this and lets talk like rational adults." He stopped the temper tantrum but was still in a bad mood...but again he came around later. I think this situation just makes him regress a little bit sometimes. I have to remind myself that he's young and frustrated (not giving excuses, but just so I understand) but the good news is he knows these are things he needs to work on and MORE importantly, he's willing to do it because I mean so much to him.

Yes I am excited for our trip and Im going to spend some time today reading up on it and looking for places to stay.
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Old 02-17-2013, 02:15 PM
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Given the incredible stresses you've both been dealing with, I think you're both remarkably solid and fundamentally rational. That's not faint praise - they're not the most common characteristics in the general population.
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Old 02-17-2013, 02:20 PM
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Given the incredible stresses you've both been dealing with, I think you're both remarkably solid and fundamentally rational. That's not faint praise - they're not the most common characteristics in the general population.
Awwww...thank you. That really means a lot to me, especially coming from you. And yes, I think you are right.

Of course when you are IN the relationship sometimes it's hard to see it from the outside for what it is, but I do feel like we are very solid, although I have my fears and concerns but they usually stem from my own insecurities. I guess as long as we are communicating, seeing things for what they are, understanding and forgiving each other and always willing to grow our relationship, then we should be ok. I mean if we can get through all this then hopefully we can get through anything. I do wish I could give him a massage...his poor neck is about to break from so much tension!
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