I need help to help my daughter

[worried_mom]

Hi, I know you are people that have been abused but I thought if anyone can come up with some Ideas for me you can. My daughter is 22 and has lived with a 23 yr old man for 5yrs. They have a 2 yr old beautiful little girl. She did not put a fathers name on the birth cert. but did give her his last name. My daughter has over the last 2 1/2 yrs has had me and my husband come and help her and the baby get away from her boyfriend and his family that live in a very poor small Texas town.

We go and get them and bring them back to Iowa where the rest of her brothers and sister also live. She comes for about a month and then goes back to him when we are not home. This has happened 6+ times and we are retired and almost out of money to help any more. She runs up phone bills and I buy her what she needs for her and the baby when she is here. I love her and the baby so much and want to see them safe and have a good life. I knew there were big problems for a long time but she would not talk about them but this last time she told all and was making plans to get a house, job, go to school to be a nurse and she even brought another guy she had met in texas with her and we let them move in our house.

She started telling me about the physical, and mental abuse she has gone throught even before she had the baby and how he did not work and she had to pay the bills while he was drunk and dopped up and a lot of other things she has had to do that I can't repeat. It looked like she was finialy OK but we went to a movie and when we got back she was gone again. She left the man she had brought with her and we let him stay with us until he can get on his feet. She did a question sheet I got off the internet that you take to see if you are an abused woman and she checked yes to 85% of the questions. She says she needs counsiling and I got a hot line number for her to call but she diddn't get around to it before she left again.

I am so heart sick, and I cry for her and the baby every time this happens. Every time she does this my husband and kids hate to see how hard it is on me. I am afraid they will give up on her. I don't know, maybe I should but she is my baby and she has my wonderful grand baby that I love so much. Is there anything I can try to help her? What am I doing wrong? Do abused woman do this kind of thing and does anyone know why? How can she get out of this mess? I think she is afraid of being alone. She is a very good looking girl and smart but she says she does not think she is pretty and when we say she is she says we have to say that because we are her family. Oh, one more thing this last time we went and got her she snuck out with a girlfriend that brought her to us in Tx. and they had a 22 handgun that was loaded. She said he had pointed it at her a couple of days before and kept telling her he might just shoot her. I just can't see why she goes back. Its like he has a control over her and if she hears his voice he has her all over again. She had me keep the phones away from her this last time but when we went out I was afraid to leave her without a phone because of the baby so I left it for her and I guess she couldn't help herself and she called him and that is all it took. Please, I am out of Ideas I just don't know how to help her. Any ideas will help. Thanks for listening to me

[TNC]

I want to first welcome you to PTO

I think domestic abuse is something that most of us have a hard time understanding. I think that often times the ones who tolerate it are ones who have self asteem issues, but more then that the abuser is maniplitve (sp). They often tell the woman that nobody else will ever want or love them. They also tend to be charmers when they want to be. They are always saying things like "I will never do that again" and they say it in ways that sound believable. They also make threats and tell the person that they will hunt them down and hurt them or their family if they dont do what the abuser wants. I really dont think that there is anything anyone can do until the victim decides that she's had enough. Its one thing for her to know that she is being abused, but its another thing for her to actually decide she's had enough.

I dont know if its an option or not, but have you contacted social service in her area. I know that nobody can go and check on her, but if they know a baby is in the house then maybe you can get them to go check. It may only take them seeing signs of abuse on her once for them to act on it.

[sweetpea]

I am sorry that you are in this situation worried mom, this is just something that is out of your control and unfortunetly only your daughter can change it. I think Tanya gave some good suggestions and I am sure that there are some others that will come and help you out. I am sorry that I dont have any suggestions, but I really just wanted to welcome you to PTO and tell you that we're really glad to have you here!

[Jillian]

Welcome to Pto

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I can't say that i know what you are going thru but I do have an idea. I think that you need to go yourself and maybe even your husband to a domestic violence center. This way you can get professional advice. Here is the iowa domestic abuse hotline number:1-800-942-0333 and here is a website that may help you in your quest to save your daughter and better her life for her and her daughter.http://www.idph.state.ia.us/hppab/domestic_violence.asp .
Here is one for texas that I hope helps:http://www.tcfv.org/friends_and_family.htm

I hope that your daughter comes around and learn to be strong. When you are around her don't tell her of her mistakes just keep on telling her the good qualities about herself. Make her feel like she is someone' you know like your lil princess that she once was. This hopefully will give her a much needed confidence boost. let her know what a wonderful mom she truly is and that if she starts to further her education she will be able to take her baby away from all the problems and be able to give her all that she ever wants.

I wish you the best in all that you are going thru and will go thru. You and your family will be in my prayers. If you ever need someone to talk too feel free to pm me i will always respond.

[j2sq]

hello worried mom........

i would like to first welcome u to the family! it is great to have ya here! ya found an amazing place with a lot of love! we have ur back and that is important for u to remember during this time.

...i, myself, was in a relationship with a guy named Eric. this was before i began a relationship with my fiance, now, Joe.

...FLASHBACK! i had had a crush on Eric back 4 years ago, and was a 'lil weary of being with a boy when he wanted to be with me. Eric and i had a great relationship in the beginning. the "tyring to get and keep me phase". he was great to me. after a while, he started getting abusive. i didn't want to do something, he would hit me, etc. the worst it got was that he tried to strangle me one time and then laughed it off. it still upsets me, but at the time, it was hard to walk away. i would have never. he eventually broke it off with me. thank God. i would have stayed. people really do not understand. it is hard.

have u talked to ur daughter at all about ur concerns? i know it must be hard to confront her about it...i know that if my mom would have found out about the abuse that i was taking from Eric, she would have helped me out. that would have helped. try ur hardest to turn things around. express concern and constant love for her. i know that u r trying ur hardest. keep it up! do not ever give up. it seems to me ur daughter is just going through rough times and i feel for u and ur family.

GOOD LUCK with everything. i am always here to chat.

stay strong! keep on loving that girl! she will eventually find the way, the strength. ya really have to rely on God, that He will get her out of the situation. she will have to realize this herself.

GOOD LUCK AGAIN........and know again, that we r here for u!

[Jillian]

I also want to add that sometimes when a woman goes back to the one who beats on her its because she feels as though the reason he is beating on her is because he love her. Some women dont feel their man love them if he don't hit them. Just keep reminding her that she wouldn't want her daughter to go thru what she is going thru. Also tell her that some children grow into a lifestyle that copies their home enviroment life that their parents have raised them in. Now i am not saying this is why your daughter is in her situation. that is why i said some children copy their parents. Once again i wish you the best of luck

[Valerie]

Hi Worried Mom, I'm sorry for what you are going through and I hope your daughter will make some much needed changes soon. I'm glad you found us and I want to welcome you to PTO.