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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #26  
Old 02-28-2012, 10:01 AM
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He has tried almost every tactic he can think of to manipulate you back so he can do a repeat performance.. My best advice is, when someone shows you who they are.. BELIEVE them!!!
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  #27  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:47 AM
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Thanks for all the replies. I have heard from him again. He called on Monday from a new facility not 15 minutes away from my house. The only reason I answered the # I didn't know from where and it was his first call before he was put in the back so it was from a landline. They only allowed him one minute. He told me he was now in work release and that he gets out in 86 days. Then he rudely asked me why the "f" didn't I answer the phone last night (phone was off all night). I ignored the question and then he asked me to please call his family and let them know to call and let them know he was there. I held the phone watching the seconds pass on the timer until I heard some guy say "that's it" and he hung up. He didn't ask about our baby or nothing but I guess he didn't have time. But I didn't bother calling his family when Im not stupid he could just do that or probably already did. When he told me he had so many days left he said hello? with great aggravation I guess because I had nothing to say. He tried calling collect twice after that a few hours later but by the night and this morning Ive heard nothing else.

I feel like now is the time for me to show him that Im not going to let him manipulate me. With him being so close to the house now (only 10-15 mins away and not 6 hours away like before) and not having to have a visit list approved for 30 days and up to 6 people can visit (contact visit/2hrs), I think he will be surprised when I dont just show up this weekend or any weekend. I don't plan on writing, or putting minutes but I know him and if he didn't call back after yesterday afternoon, he is either mad I didn't add funds and is going to "show me" he doesn't need me by not calling back or he is hoping for me to be gone anyway since he's about to be home. And if that's his hope he gets his wish and has already been getting it because Im done with this emotional crazy ride. So if he was wanting to nah nah ne boo boo I get out soon to me then whatever. Let him do him and Ill continue to do me.

Child support is going to find out he's on work release soon. Ill let them find out on their own so he can't say I ran and told them to try and hurt him because we are not together so Ill let the system work for my baby on that but other than that I don't really have nothing else to say. I don't know the point of him asking me to do something he could have and has (they are the only ones financing him so I know he reached out by now) done himself and why bother telling me how much time he has left other than to rub it in my face or something I guess. These head games and all this is so frustrating and all I think is best for me to do now is continue not to put minutes, don't write and most certainly don't visit, then he can ride off into the sunset with whoever and do whatever, as long as it doesn't include messing with me or hurting our kid.

Last edited by MzDarknLovely31; 02-29-2012 at 07:53 AM..
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  #28  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:53 AM
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Kudos to you for standing firm and demanding respect. I see he is still holding on to that control. Even through all you have showed him he still feel he can tell you what to do. He still have not learned a better approach its still all about him. I would be drained also. I am sure he gives you many headaches. Keep your head up though and I can not wait until a real man snatches you up and treat you like the Queen you are.
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  #29  
Old 02-29-2012, 08:12 AM
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I don't think his approach will ever change Klewis, it's always about him and I know he's upset that I didn't jump up and down on the phone when he told me 86 days and that I didn't run and add funds or open an account on my phone. He wants someone to lick and lap behind him and it's not going to be me. Been there, done that and maybe if all Id gotten in return was more than a steaming pile of crap then maybe Id be panting after him even a little bit. He's never given me any reason to even give him the second chance and Im not doing a third.

I'm waiting for Mr. Right but in the meantime gonna focus on me and make sure Im someone worth finding in the first place, I mean I know I am but I need to work out whatever insecurities I have about myself to make me go back to someone who has never shown me or our child any real love in the first place because if I dont fully love myself how can I truly love a good man.

What do some of you think are the odds that if I keep my distance while he is practically home (work release in our town) that he will stay away from me or no longer contact me any further. A lot of people close to me feel like because I'm his child's mother he will never stop. But I feel like me not chasing him and his huge ego will bruise it so much he will do the opposite and leave me alone. Ugh, trying to figure all this out is making my head hurt. Time to head to Starbucks for some liquid relaxation. Sigh.
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  #30  
Old 02-29-2012, 01:05 PM
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Had to come back and mini-vent...Im feeling guilty because I am now angry at him and myself because I know Im doing the right thing not responding to him but Im mad at myself for feeling mad at him that he came back into my life even if just for that phone call, only to disappear again...as if I am the one that did something wrong. He hasn't tried to call me since 3 yesterday and I guess he really did just call me to rub it in that he's about to get out otherwise he would have tried again. I can't believe he would do that, just put it on my mind he's back in town only to disappear just like the other time I took him back and when he got home he left me then. Even tho Im the one who initiated the breakup why am I mad that he is trying to make like this was his idea, when us being apart is a result of his messups not mine! Why did he even bother calling me at all. Other people haven't even heard from him yet, Im the only one he called and now nothing. How evil is he. He's winning right now cuz Im thinking about why he did that, he wanted me to feel stupid that he's coming home and not wanting nothing to do with me when its supposed to be the other way around. I can't explain what I feel right now but Im mad at me so much for it.
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Old 02-29-2012, 04:57 PM
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Your feelings are not wrong. He is not winning because the prize is no longer available to win. He is not winning because he is not learning that his actions are unacceptable and therefore someone else is going to have to go through the same mess with him and when they do he will leave you alone.
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  #32  
Old 02-29-2012, 05:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzDarknLovely31 View Post
Had to come back and mini-vent...Im feeling guilty because I am now angry at him and myself because I know Im doing the right thing not responding to him but Im mad at myself for feeling mad at him that he came back into my life even if just for that phone call, only to disappear again...as if I am the one that did something wrong. He hasn't tried to call me since 3 yesterday and I guess he really did just call me to rub it in that he's about to get out otherwise he would have tried again. I can't believe he would do that, just put it on my mind he's back in town only to disappear just like the other time I took him back and when he got home he left me then. Even tho Im the one who initiated the breakup why am I mad that he is trying to make like this was his idea, when us being apart is a result of his messups not mine! Why did he even bother calling me at all. Other people haven't even heard from him yet, Im the only one he called and now nothing. How evil is he. He's winning right now cuz Im thinking about why he did that, he wanted me to feel stupid that he's coming home and not wanting nothing to do with me when its supposed to be the other way around. I can't explain what I feel right now but Im mad at me so much for it.

Lady! Come on now, this is about control. He called you to give you that information so that you would battle with your emotions and question yourself which is exactly what you are doing. Now he is letting you stew by not calling you, trust me, he'll call, and he'll expect you to be a little less angry when you answer the phone because he's playing with your emotions. Inaction is control too. Don't you know? This man is textbook. He is a control freak who is trying to get control back. He calls to give you the information that he is on work release and will be out in 86 days because he knows it is going to eat at you and it has. Now he is biding his time, waiting until he thinks you will be weak enough to go back. Stay strong. All these questions you have are easily answered, he's doing this to screw with you.

I'm not telling you want to do, but you aren't over him yet, and I don't expect you to be for a while and that is okay. That doesn't mean you are weak or insecure, that just means that you loved him and it's going to take time to get over those emotions. When looking at the phone doesn't bother you, when you have no guilt about anything regarding him, then you'll be over him, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Keep your head up girl!
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  #33  
Old 02-29-2012, 05:53 PM
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^^^ Couldn't have said it better. This man is just screwing with your head, and it's worked so long that he can't fathom what on earth is going on with you. STAY STRONG! One day at a time.
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  #34  
Old 03-01-2012, 12:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzDarknLovely31 View Post
Had to come back and mini-vent...Im feeling guilty because I am now angry at him and myself because I know Im doing the right thing not responding to him but Im mad at myself for feeling mad at him that he came back into my life even if just for that phone call, only to disappear again...as if I am the one that did something wrong. He hasn't tried to call me since 3 yesterday and I guess he really did just call me to rub it in that he's about to get out otherwise he would have tried again. I can't believe he would do that, just put it on my mind he's back in town only to disappear just like the other time I took him back and when he got home he left me then. Even tho Im the one who initiated the breakup why am I mad that he is trying to make like this was his idea, when us being apart is a result of his messups not mine! Why did he even bother calling me at all. Other people haven't even heard from him yet, Im the only one he called and now nothing. How evil is he. He's winning right now cuz Im thinking about why he did that, he wanted me to feel stupid that he's coming home and not wanting nothing to do with me when its supposed to be the other way around. I can't explain what I feel right now but Im mad at me so much for it.
Girl u will b ok...it just takes time. From what I've read all the responses about control are exactly right comming from him. And girl let me tell u from experience that just because u have a child w/sm1 does not give them the right 2 rule u, it does make walkin away more difficult and pulls on ur heartstrings but.....like i told my babydaddy we have a little girl and 2 boys, I'm leavin this situation and WONT b back regardless, I dont want my daughter 2 c this type of disrespect and disregard for her own mother and think its acceptable 4 some bum ass man 2 do her like that.. and when it comes to the boys, they'll c what u do and think its ok 2 do it 2 their future woman. Stay strong and everytime u start 2 feel bad and want 2 answer or let him back jus think about the fact tht dude wanted 2 give up all rights 2 ur baby jus 2 not pay $! Also the reason hes probably an emotional abuser and controller probably stemmed from his childhood so jus sit back and think about wether or not u want ur future sons wife callin u tellin u he did all the same things 2 her that ur bd did 2 u. Im not judging u in any way shape or form, like i said ive been there. I was w my bd off n on 4 6 yrs and my reason was "i never had a father around and family is important 2 me, if i love him enough he'll do right by me and our babies cuz they deserve the best" NOT! He's now drunk everyday from the moment he wakes up til he goes 2 sleep, cant keep a job, is screwin half the chicks on my block but dsnt even knock on the door 2 c his babies...he'll text 5 xs a day 2 say he misses me and wants 2 come home and if i do respond which is barely i say...."what does u missin me have 2 do w these kids?" not a damn thing.......much love girl like i said stay strong and dont waste ur life or ur sons chasin a man whos only interested in playin the game!! pm me if u need 2 talk!!!!!
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  #35  
Old 03-05-2012, 01:33 AM
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Just wanted to come and thanks for responses and update. I went to see him this past Saturday. Visitation is from 8a-4p and as long as their is not alot of traffic you stay as long as you want for those hours. I stayed for 4 of them. We had so much to cover. I told him all that everyone has heard me say here and I also told him that I hoped we could get along and be mature adults for our baby's sake. He continued to put the pressure on about a relationship. It was hard for me seeing as how I'm still very much in love with him but also very aware his behavior is unacceptable. I told him if he really wants me then he has to show proof in his actions when he comes home. I don't want to jump right back in with him. He promises he's going to do all that and apologized to me for making up ol girl and for other things he said to try and hurt me. He bragged a lil about being able to get under my skin with his words and that nearly set me off, a guard had to come over and make sure we were straight. I was frowned up pretty hard and threw my hands in the air as if to give up and got ready to get up. But when the guard came over he told him not to be upsetting such a pretty young lady. My baby's father goes "hey man" and got all jealous (was fun to watch Ill admit tee hee) Anyways, I told him for the last 2 months and 2 weeks he has left he is always welcome to write me about our baby or just how hes doing in general but nothing heavy. Let's take our time and start all over, even if the end of the road is just friendship as long as two things always remain. Respect and mutual parenting of our child. All this makes me nervous but I had to go and speak my mind to his face. He looked surprised when I was talking most of the time as I didn't bite my tongue on anything. I did hug him before we left, he tried to kiss me and I moved my face. He looked so embarrased. I felt a lil bad but it dont get that good just yet, lol. And I was annoyed that when he went to hug me he was pitching quite the tent (sigh, sorry if that grosses anyone out) He kept complimenting me the whole time so I know he was having dirty thoughts but I mean he has been locked up for some time. I just hope that we can work things through and if anything kill all the drama and raise our child and deep down I do hope for a change but know not to expect one. But for our baby and my own peace of mind I have to try.

Last edited by MzDarknLovely31; 03-05-2012 at 01:35 AM..
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  #36  
Old 03-05-2012, 07:10 AM
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I think it's really awesome you're at least gonna give it a shot, but keeping your eyes open. Just remember that you've been without him for however long he's been locked up, so you CAN do it alone if you need to. But I really hope you guys can work things out and he really does keep all of his promises. Good luck!

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Just wanted to come and thanks for responses and update. I went to see him this past Saturday. Visitation is from 8a-4p and as long as their is not alot of traffic you stay as long as you want for those hours. I stayed for 4 of them. We had so much to cover. I told him all that everyone has heard me say here and I also told him that I hoped we could get along and be mature adults for our baby's sake. He continued to put the pressure on about a relationship. It was hard for me seeing as how I'm still very much in love with him but also very aware his behavior is unacceptable. I told him if he really wants me then he has to show proof in his actions when he comes home. I don't want to jump right back in with him. He promises he's going to do all that and apologized to me for making up ol girl and for other things he said to try and hurt me. He bragged a lil about being able to get under my skin with his words and that nearly set me off, a guard had to come over and make sure we were straight. I was frowned up pretty hard and threw my hands in the air as if to give up and got ready to get up. But when the guard came over he told him not to be upsetting such a pretty young lady. My baby's father goes "hey man" and got all jealous (was fun to watch Ill admit tee hee) Anyways, I told him for the last 2 months and 2 weeks he has left he is always welcome to write me about our baby or just how hes doing in general but nothing heavy. Let's take our time and start all over, even if the end of the road is just friendship as long as two things always remain. Respect and mutual parenting of our child. All this makes me nervous but I had to go and speak my mind to his face. He looked surprised when I was talking most of the time as I didn't bite my tongue on anything. I did hug him before we left, he tried to kiss me and I moved my face. He looked so embarrased. I felt a lil bad but it dont get that good just yet, lol. And I was annoyed that when he went to hug me he was pitching quite the tent (sigh, sorry if that grosses anyone out) He kept complimenting me the whole time so I know he was having dirty thoughts but I mean he has been locked up for some time. I just hope that we can work things through and if anything kill all the drama and raise our child and deep down I do hope for a change but know not to expect one. But for our baby and my own peace of mind I have to try.
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Old 03-05-2012, 08:29 AM
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Oh boy, I hope it all works out for you but remember that he best predictor of future behavior is past behavior!!
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Old 03-05-2012, 08:46 AM
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I am a little worried too, it seems he knew ( I believe you said so too ) that you would be there ... I hope you didn't give in to easily. Just remember the hurt you felt and frustration, Id hate to see you go through it all over again.
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