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Straight Talk The general Ex-Offender discussion forum. If you have done time, this forum is for you.

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  #1  
Old 08-22-2011, 08:00 PM
skitten1208 skitten1208 is offline
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Default Sometimes I Miss Being in Prison Am I crazy????

I spent 5 years in MCI Framingham from 2003 to 2008. I have not gone back and for that I am proud...but there is a but.....sometimes I miss it. I know this sounds completely insane and I don't know if there is anyone that can understand. I know all the sayings "you come in alone and you leave alone" and that is dam true....but the thing is when you are there you are never alone. And the bonds that I formed with some of the women there have stayed with me....and I miss those bonds ....And I don't tell anyone that I was ever in prison....people never would think it by looking at me which sometimes almost makes life harder.....I think in my head sometimes when I speak to people "If you only knew where I have been and what I have seen and experienced". But I can't. It's like this dark secret that I have, this past that haunts me that I have no one to talk with about..
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Old 08-22-2011, 10:25 PM
hisgurl4ever102 hisgurl4ever102 is offline
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Well I am here if u need a friend to talk to..
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Old 08-24-2011, 06:58 AM
skitten1208 skitten1208 is offline
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Default Hey thanks!

I just think sometimes how dam stupid it all sounds....I mean being down for 5 years in a basically max security prison and getting out and missing it. I think to myself what the hell is wrong with me? I do love my freedom I don't want you to misunderstand me. And when I was locked up I wanted to get out so badly. And I do love life and freedom.....it's just....I am so changed in every way and feel so alone sometimes. What's weird though is being surrounded by people bothers me and all I can think about is leaving where I am.
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:34 AM
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Have you ever stop to think about the bonds you made with those woman and what qualities abt them led you to be their friends? Maybe you need ppl like that around you now. It's hard to live a life of illusion. Maybe that is why you struggle with telling ppl where you have been. Never been in jail but I know what it feels like to feel surrounded by fake people that I don't want anything to do with. I don't know just my ramblings. Hope i helped.
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Old 08-24-2011, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by skitten1208 View Post
I just think sometimes how dam stupid it all sounds....I mean being down for 5 years in a basically max security prison and getting out and missing it. I think to myself what the hell is wrong with me? I do love my freedom I don't want you to misunderstand me. And when I was locked up I wanted to get out so badly. And I do love life and freedom.....it's just....I am so changed in every way and feel so alone sometimes. What's weird though is being surrounded by people bothers me and all I can think about is leaving where I am.

I have heard this before from people who have
served time. My cousin did 10yrs and when he came
out he was very distant. He would sit in a dark room
while we were having xmas dinner and we would make
him come be with us and love on him and would let
him know we don't care that he has been to prison.
Our love never changed for him thru out that ordeal.
The longer your around freedom and TRUE GENUINE
people that love you. It will slowly fade the feeling
of lonliness and feeling outcast from the world. I
promise it will get better for you.

KImi06
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Old 08-24-2011, 11:25 PM
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Originally Posted by skitten1208 View Post
I spent 5 years in MCI Framingham from 2003 to 2008. I have not gone back and for that I am proud...but there is a but.....sometimes I miss it. I know this sounds completely insane and I don't know if there is anyone that can understand. I know all the sayings "you come in alone and you leave alone" and that is dam true....but the thing is when you are there you are never alone. And the bonds that I formed with some of the women there have stayed with me....and I miss those bonds ....And I don't tell anyone that I was ever in prison....people never would think it by looking at me which sometimes almost makes life harder.....I think in my head sometimes when I speak to people "If you only knew where I have been and what I have seen and experienced". But I can't. It's like this dark secret that I have, this past that haunts me that I have no one to talk with about..
I never had a bad experience in prison, made many close and amazing friends (a few of whom I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw them, but that didn't stop me from liking them...) and am still in contact with a little over 50 on a regular basis.

You are not crazy, and while what you are feeling is a little unusual from a statistical standpoint, it is not, at ALL really crazy ... it's a perfectly logical mindset.

Consider this - while so many people claim to hate prison, they keep going back time after time. What that tells me is that at some level, prison is "home" to them... and I've witnessed that first hand on many occasions. For many of those people, they don't consciously realize it - and so are compelled to behaviors which will always RESULT in further incarceration.

Rarely, does someone acknowledge those feelings - which then gives you control over them. That's a powerful difference.

Just honor what you feel as what you feel - Also, consider this - in prison you can be honest about who you are and the stuff that that has happened in your life. That kind of comfortable safety is very attractive. What do you think would happen if you were as comfortable talking about that with people outside?

My experience (and it is extensive in this area) is that either people won't be able to deal with it, or (and this is almost always the case) they'll love you all the more. There is no reason to keep secrets. Really, no reason at all.
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Old 08-25-2011, 11:14 AM
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As usual Scott has some wonderful advice

Just know that you are not alone. I have never been to prison, but certainly spent several weeks in jail at a prior time in my life. In my profession it would certainly be frowned upon, so I discuss it very seldom. But I do have a friend or two that I have disclosed bits and pieces to, and they have been very understanding and accepting of me.

Everyone has a past, and seldom you will find anyone who never ever done something that is against a law or moral standard. A wrong might be a wrong, but it's what you do afterward that matters.

Blessings to you. You are stronger than you even know.
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Old 08-25-2011, 12:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skitten1208 View Post
I just think sometimes how dam stupid it all sounds....I mean being down for 5 years in a basically max security prison and getting out and missing it. I think to myself what the hell is wrong with me? I do love my freedom I don't want you to misunderstand me. And when I was locked up I wanted to get out so badly. And I do love life and freedom.....it's just....I am so changed in every way and feel so alone sometimes. What's weird though is being surrounded by people bothers me and all I can think about is leaving where I am.
I think you are at the right place pto,i believe you just are lonely and you dont have noone to talk to that can understand where you at and where you came from. And that was your home for along time so maybe is that you miss being there,maybe you should try to find a support group or at least one person that can relate to you,maybe the people you are around you feel is not like how you really are and you have to put up a front so get to know some of the ladies on here and you never know you might have more in common than you think you do.It will be alrite.Just pray that god bring someone in your life to help you get over the hump i will be praying for you and no you are not crazy.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:22 PM
DRUID1208 DRUID1208 is offline
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no i dont thingk it is your insane i can see where the frends you make and all comes to you miss the thares things you miss and things you do not i am sher of that but thats not a bad thing you lived thare five years i would think you had to have made bonds thare and found a bit of a nich to call home the good thing is you knew the difreces and did not stay in you never became relient on the prison for your life and that is a vitory if anything is but i see where you may miss it at times well some of it at least i never ben in but know a lot bout it so your not nuts you just missing some things what is inportent is that you move on stay strong and be ready for those feelings and re abel to not let then drag you back in like leaving school you miss your frends but you move on thats what counts
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:24 PM
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What you're feeling is completely understandable.
When I was down I had a great friend names "Angel" (long story).. She was one of the ladies that would commit petty crimes just so she would have somewhere to lay her head every night & she new she'd be fed. She taught me alot. On of the things she taught me is- Never be embarrased or ashamed of where you've been.
Now, I'm not telling you to go out and tell the world you were in prison. In my own experience, I have been open with my past. Yes, I served 4 years in prison. Yes, I am an ex-felon....... And yes, I have been out for over 12 years and doing well. Yes, I learned my lesson & have been a productive member of society since my release.
Until you are comfortable with who you are and where you've been, it's going to be very hard to move on. just my
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Old 09-11-2011, 06:17 PM
Misssy2 Misssy2 is offline
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I don't know how old you were the time that you spent in prison, but I'm sure a therapist would put alot of emphasis on that part of your story. You probably "grew" up in jail...you miss your family. A 5 year span is a long time...so if it was from like 21 - 26...you went from a kid to an adult in jail....if it was from 25 - 30...you went from a 1/2 adult to a full adult in jail....These were the people you spent your growing up time with and your fears and your wildest dreams. That is all you have to identify with...and life as you know it has been taken away. Its normal to feel like you are missing something...you ARE...You are missing your family. Once you realize what it is....then you can work on it. You can write letters to your old friends...you can still have them in your life...after some time...you will be growing up out here...and it will become familiar and more comfortable. I have a similar thing for you...I drank my whole life....I am now 6 years sober...life is just starting to feel comfortable for me without a drink...so I think in a couple more years...you may start feeling better out here..forming new bonds with new family...but you'll never forget or let go of your old family.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:35 AM
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You may, in fact, miss youth with its greater physical strength, beauty and resiliency, health, etc. There is actually a joke about an old Russian man who was missing the Gulag prison and others thought he was crazy. I'm not saying more in case anybody finds it obscene. If you didn't just know the joke, you may have guessed, more or less, what he was actually missing.
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:36 AM
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Well…you may feel that way right now after serving 5 years in there, but you’d be surprised at how you might feel 10 years later when you look up and 15 years has been spent in there. There are some other relationships that are chilling to consider that pass us by inside. I lost both my parents while locked up and what I wouldn’t haven given to have been back out here when that time came.

Still, I know where you’re coming from and I can relate. There is a degree of equality among us in there and joint effort to get through the hard times that is impossible for anyone who’s never done time to really understand, ya know? Everyone is the same on the inside regardless of where they came from. Or how wealthy vs. poor they are out here , educated vs. ignorant, Black or White or Hispanic or Asian or Native American. We’re all doing time in there, we’re all waiting to go home or we’re waiting to “break on through to the other side” like Jim Morrison said in one of those psychedelic 60s rock songs that the Doors put out back in the day.

Yes, there are friendships and bonds that you form in there that are absent out here in the rat race where folks are constantly on the move and looking to step up to the next level of success or social status. In there, we’re beyond all that. We’re all the same. I feel ya.

You’re not alone, but…the part about missing being in prison. I’m one of those guys at the age of 50 who never had any health restrictions to keep me from being assigned to a top bunk as I vividly recall all the 20 something year old youngsters that stayed on the bottom and never knew what it was to have to climb up in a tree house to sleep at night. I’m one of those guys that somehow always had a job working everyday or out in the fields with an aggie in my hand trying not to step in an ant bed. Those red ants down in places like Tennessee Colony, TX are sight to behold as you look down and see them crawling up your pants legs. No, I don’t miss any of that stuff or the bad food. I don’t miss the way a men’s prison smells either. How do you spell “PASSING GAS”? In a dorm in the dead of summer inside of some places that exceed every bit of 100 degrees, it’ll take your breath away. The time they make you spend in the Texas prison system is too hard to miss anything like that.
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