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Coming Home in Florida - Resources and Stories Information and resources to assist ex-offenders and families post-incarceration in Florida.

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  #1  
Old 08-14-2010, 07:21 PM
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Hi all, I know everyone out there is patiently, lovingly and hopefully waiting for their husband/boyfriend/fiance to come home. But please let me just advise you on what to expect if this is you first time around. My husband spent 20 months in prison on a drug charge. He lied about using drugs, lied about stealing money from me, lied about everything. But still I gave him another chance and waited faithfully and adoringly for him while I lost my business, my home, my family's respect for me and my self-esteem. David swore he would change and would never let me down like that again. Promised he would work hard, take care of me and our children and be a great husband. Problem is, ladies, men don't go to prison because they are nice guys. They go to prison because they are selfish and self-indulgent. Prison doesn't change that. They will tell you anything you need to hear just to make sure that there is someone waiting for them to put a roof over their heads and make sure their bellies are full at night. His own family begged me to leave him knowing that David was always going to be the same no matter what. But I wouldn't listen and stood by him.

Now he's home. He is selfish, refuses to help financially, lies, steals and does whatever he wants. The kids are afraid of him -- even the dog won't go near him. I tried to give him everything he needed to get back on his feet but it was easier for him just to let me do everything. It's been 8 months since David got home, and I regret waiting for him. I lost almost 3 years waiting for him and I wish I had listened to everyone who told me to write him off.

Now I'm the one who is angry, bitter and cynical. I hate what he has done to me and my family and I know that he will never be the man he promised he would be. He went to prison for a reason. Funny thing is, that even though they go to prison for their crimes, we are punished even more. Just the stigma of being married to an ex-con is punishment for a lot of women.

Please ladies, don't believe the "jailhouse talk." They will say anything to get you to stay. Take it for what it is; a lonely man with nothing to lose who needs a warm bed to crawl into at night. Give him enough time and he'll return to the criminal that he was before going to prison.

God bless all of you for your love for these men. There is a special place in heaven for all of us that believe in redemption and the slim chance that they can actually change.

Jamie
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  #2  
Old 08-14-2010, 07:52 PM
coah2479 coah2479 is offline
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I'm so sorry this happened to you Jamie. I can't imagine the hurt and the anger that you are going through right now but remember this Karma is a Bitch and he will get his. I worry that my man won't live up to his words and it will turn out to be "jail talk" but I only think that because of the stories I hear about. My Fiance, Chris was wonderful before jail, we had our problems but a lot had to do with me. He did lie to me about selling drugs which I have punished him enough for but he has never stolen anything from me, never asked me for money, I've never found any evidence of him cheating and he's done much more for me than I have ever done for him, so I'm confident he is not feeding me any kind of bullshit. He will be living with me but his whole family is close to the area so he had a handful of people he could have lived with. I hope jail doesn't change my man because he was great before he went in, he was just screwing up before we met. I wish you the best of luck!
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Old 08-14-2010, 07:56 PM
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Sorry to hear you went through that. I understand you are just giving advice from your experience...BUT its not the same for everyone. This is my first time around and I can't explain the strong relationship we have and always have had. Yes he lied and stole for his drug addiction but the main reason why I stood by his side was because he ALWAYS came out with the truth and manned up! We both went through a particular hard time last october and finally understood the love and forgiveness of God. He got his slap of reality and although this time is seperated he has changed. He is happy/content for the first time in his life! He has accepted complete responsibilty of himself and actions. I know there is only one real way to be sitting in a living hell like that and be actually content....its because he put his life into God's hands!!

We know when we get to be together again, he has SOOOO much to prove and I know the game now! He was senteced 13 yrs but will probably only do 7 yrs. Yes I know it sounds crazy...but not everyone will have the same situation as yours. I am still living my life but as far as men or sex go....I can and will wait for him and he loves and respects me more everyday I do!
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Old 08-14-2010, 08:13 PM
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I'm sorry your loved returned to his old ways once being released. Unfortunately it does happen and not stories have the ending we all desire. However there are success stories, in and out of prison, and I hope you find yours some day. I hope you find the strength within yourself to love and trust again.
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Old 08-14-2010, 08:45 PM
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Peace. He has broken faith, you gave him a chance. Now divorce him and move forward. Yes, this stuff happens but as ben's girl said there are successes.
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Old 08-14-2010, 08:46 PM
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I'm very sorry that your husband came home and hurt you in such a way. It's going to take some time, but you and your children will move forward and be all the better for it. But please don't generalize!! It's one thing to be hurt and angry, and I think we all here can understand why you feel that way...but the fact is that my man is in prison yes, but he is still a nice man! He was not selfish before he went to prison, he didn't steal from me, he didn't have a drug problem...he's simply doing some time for a crime he committed. That's all.
Don't regret anything about what you did, it shows a lot of character on your part. We know how hard it is to do this and I think there is a level of respect we all have for each other. Sometimes we don't get the fairy tale ending, but it's just another chapter of live and learn and now you are that much wiser. Don't regret that! And good luck.
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Old 08-14-2010, 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by coah2479 View Post
I'm so sorry this happened to you Jamie. I can't imagine the hurt and the anger that you are going through right now but remember this Karma is a Bitch and he will get his. I worry that my man won't live up to his words and it will turn out to be "jail talk" but I only think that because of the stories I hear about. My Fiance, Chris was wonderful before jail, we had our problems but a lot had to do with me. He did lie to me about selling drugs which I have punished him enough for but he has never stolen anything from me, never asked me for money, I've never found any evidence of him cheating and he's done much more for me than I have ever done for him, so I'm confident he is not feeding me any kind of bullshit. He will be living with me but his whole family is close to the area so he had a handful of people he could have lived with. I hope jail doesn't change my man because he was great before he went in, he was just screwing up before we met. I wish you the best of luck!
Just wanted to say that Karma is not a bitch. Karma is the result of the things that we do. Every moment follows a preceding moment.
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:02 PM
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Sorry to hear you've had such a bad experience. I hope this doesn't turn out to be true for many people, but I have definitely heard about the "jailhouse talk"...I hope things get better for you.
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:03 PM
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I am starting to feel the same way and my guy isn't out yet. I waited this long and I am going to see it through. It's worth a shot. I certainly think that some people will never change their bad habits. It isn't because they can't change though. People are constantly changing. Change is a part of life, so it is illogical to say that people don't change. Like another poster said, his karma is his karma and you learned something from all of this. Yes I'm sure it feels like you wasted three years, but you learned something from all of it. We have the relationships that we have for a reason: to progress. Sometimes you have to give it a try even if you know that the odds are not in your favor. Often times the odds are not in our favor, but if we don't try we will never know. I have to say that this post would have put me in a really bad state of mind two years ago when my guys arrest was fresh and I had a newborn baby to care for. Be careful with your words. Your intent is hopefully to be helpful, but your delivery matters as well. Good luck to all of you. We will all end up exactly where we are supposed to be. Our choices determine how long it will take to get there. Wrong turns delay the trip, but they don't have to ruin the ride.
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:19 PM
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im deeply sorry for what you have been thru and dont regret it for a min, you learn thru your mistakes and pains thats what makes you stronger and wiser. so hold your head high and know hes not deserving of you and that when things fall apart its for better things to come together. theres a good deal of inmates that are shady, but not ALL of them. hang in there girl its always when u feel as if you are about to completely lose it that the tide changes all the best to you
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:27 PM
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I am very sorry this happened to you.You probably feel like you are being punished for only choosing to believe the best about somebody.Sadly in these type situations there are ALWAYS warning signs along the way in addition to loved ones warning you,but the desire to believe in them often overrides common sense.Still,you didn't deserve to be used.There are success stories.they do happen.But it's the ones,where hopes and dreams are crushed,the stories that don't have happy endings,that far too often are the norm.i'm so happy for those who make it and i grieve for those who have nothing left but disappointment.
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:54 PM
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There's an old saying that your story reminds me of: "Pick up a bee out of kindness, and you'll learn the limitations of kindness." I had to learn that lesson the hard way, too.
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Old 08-14-2010, 10:09 PM
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[quote=jamie22;5596739] I lost my business, my home, my family's respect for me and my self-esteem. I am so sorry for all of your lost it is very devestating what you are going through. I am sure in time you will recoup and get back on your feet finacially. I lost a home and a job during this recession but I got through it and so will you! Don't beat yourself up because you stayed true to your vows. Don't let the anger and bitterness eat at you for to long and distract you from getting to the next door that God has waiting for you; filled with blessings and healing.

Matthew 25:29 is the Parable of the 10 Virgins it says "For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath."

It took a lot of courage for you to tell your story. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 08-14-2010, 10:12 PM
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Im sorry your hurting and sorry you had to go threw this but please dont stereotype. Its not all of them. My man did a crime period. Its not who he is or what he does. He is the most honest caring loyal trustworthy person i have EVER met. Good luck to you and yours.
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Old 08-14-2010, 11:45 PM
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I am truly sorry that you are going through this, and I know it must be very painful.

However, your post is making a lot of assumptions that aren't true for many of us.
Not every woman is waiting for a selfish criminal who also commited crimes against her. Some of us don't even feel we are "waiting", we are doing time together.
No matter what happens in my relationship (because I am not too blinded by love to know that sometimes love just isn't enough) I will never regret this time because it has caused me to grow and change in ways I could never have imagined!

I hope you can make peace with everything you have gone through, it is not worth it to be bitter and resentful.
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Old 08-15-2010, 08:21 AM
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To the original poster, I am sorry for what you went thru, and thank you for sharing it with us. I'd like to think that we all know that things can turn out this way when our men come home, but some people probably need to hear this. Unfortunately, I believe that more often than not, the story's ending is similar to yours in some way. I am hoping (probably against hope) that mine turns out differently.
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Old 08-15-2010, 09:20 AM
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Thanks everyone for your kind words. You are truly wonderful women for having such commitment. Funny thing is, I forgave David for what he did before prison. It's what he is doing after that I cannot get over. How can you do something to someone that is so awful, and then not feel bad about it? He found God (again), owned up to everything that he did before, was completely honest (for the first time) and seemed to be so different to me. What a great actor he is! It seemed like the minute his feet touched freedom, he forgot everything. Problem is, I won't leave him just yet -- although I make sure I have my options. I'm way too hardheaded to let my family (and his) say "I told you so." This is our second marriage and I refuse to see another marriage fail. So, unfortunately, I'm in it "for better or for worse." Sadly, there's been too much "worse". I actually think he didn't serve enough time. Maybe if he was in for much longer, God's work would have truly been done on him. Seems like I'm the only one who God was able to really work on.

And you're right Danya, I have changed for the better. I realize how resilient and strong I am. I appreciate little things much more than I ever did and my kids and I are as close as I could ever imagine we would be. We bonded in a way that I think most parents and children don't get the opportunity to. So for that, I am eternally grateful to God.

As for David, I pray for him every day. Maybe God will answer me, maybe he won't. But either way, he won't be able to cause anymore damage in my or my children's lives again.

God Bless you all.
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Old 08-15-2010, 09:55 AM
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I too am so sorry for your loss and what you have gone through. I have to tell you about my marriage (before this mwi relationship). I spent 10years hoping, praying and doing everything in my power to keep my marriage to a selfish, addicted, non-incarcerated man together. He lied (to me), stole (from me), cheated (on me), swore he would change etc. And he never did. My point is that the same thing can happen with relationships outside of prison. We cannot generalize because every situation is unique. And now I find myself in love with a man who has spent his life in and out of prison. Why? Because I love and believe in this man. When the day ever comes that I cannot believe in the man I fall in love with- no matter his situation- than that would mean I no longer believe in love. And I don't want that day to ever come. You didn't do anything wrong- in fact you did everything right. But it is time now to take care of yourself.
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Old 09-01-2010, 05:01 PM
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I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Some men change, some men don't. That is how it is.

After my prison bid, it took awhile for me to get my mind back to being in a relationship and handling my business like a man should. It was something me and my wife worked on. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe you shouldn't write him off just yet...

Just my thoughts.
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Old 09-01-2010, 07:23 PM
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Jaime, I think I'm confused. He's still home - lying, stealing, probably cheating - but he can't affect you and the kids any more?

That just doesn't work. Swallow your pride and get him out of there!
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Old 09-01-2010, 07:38 PM
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Hi all, I know everyone out there is patiently, lovingly and hopefully waiting for their husband/boyfriend/fiance to come home. But please let me just advise you on what to expect if this is you first time around. My husband spent 20 months in prison on a drug charge. He lied about using drugs, lied about stealing money from me, lied about everything. But still I gave him another chance and waited faithfully and adoringly for him while I lost my business, my home, my family's respect for me and my self-esteem. David swore he would change and would never let me down like that again. Promised he would work hard, take care of me and our children and be a great husband. Problem is, ladies, men don't go to prison because they are nice guys. They go to prison because they are selfish and self-indulgent. Prison doesn't change that. They will tell you anything you need to hear just to make sure that there is someone waiting for them to put a roof over their heads and make sure their bellies are full at night. His own family begged me to leave him knowing that David was always going to be the same no matter what. But I wouldn't listen and stood by him.

Now he's home. He is selfish, refuses to help financially, lies, steals and does whatever he wants. The kids are afraid of him -- even the dog won't go near him. I tried to give him everything he needed to get back on his feet but it was easier for him just to let me do everything. It's been 8 months since David got home, and I regret waiting for him. I lost almost 3 years waiting for him and I wish I had listened to everyone who told me to write him off.

Now I'm the one who is angry, bitter and cynical. I hate what he has done to me and my family and I know that he will never be the man he promised he would be. He went to prison for a reason. Funny thing is, that even though they go to prison for their crimes, we are punished even more. Just the stigma of being married to an ex-con is punishment for a lot of women.

Please ladies, don't believe the "jailhouse talk." They will say anything to get you to stay. Take it for what it is; a lonely man with nothing to lose who needs a warm bed to crawl into at night. Give him enough time and he'll return to the criminal that he was before going to prison.

God bless all of you for your love for these men. There is a special place in heaven for all of us that believe in redemption and the slim chance that they can actually change.

Jamie
Jaime
You sound like most mothers out there..... You gave game him that chance and opportunity. He is now back home and it's never too late to change your mind. Think about it really good what is keeping you tied to him? You may have the problem......not he ....he's just taking that free ride Think about your kids...fear is not a feeling children should live with and you still have a chance of happiness and a descent rest of your life.
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Old 09-09-2010, 10:55 PM
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i understand what u are going thru there was man i was dating for three yrs this was before king well he was an abusive crackhead that would steal from me i lost alot being with him some people probably wont change its not that they cant they dont possess the willingness to change god bless you i totally relate to your anger disappointment and shame because he proved you wrong and everyone else right its embarrassing these are only my thoughts
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jamie22 View Post
Please ladies, don't believe the "jailhouse talk." They will say anything to get you to stay. Take it for what it is; a lonely man with nothing to lose who needs a warm bed to crawl into at night. Give him enough time and he'll return to the criminal that he was before going to prison.
Jamie

These things unfortunately do happen with men coming
home from prison. It is important to look at the situation
with knowledge and understanding of realizing what you
are getting involved with. Sad to say a lot of women do
not do this. They are caught up on fantasy, lack of sex
hopefulness, lonliness in some cases. Try to remain positive
with out regret. Take it as a learning experience that
will mold you enough to never be bitter or hateful.
You tried to make your family work. I don't fault you at all.
Pick up the pieces and hold your head high with knowing
you have done all you could. Change only comes to the
person that wants it. It doesn't matter how cute they
are, how well the gift of gap may be or how great the sex is
for that moment. They are who they are. Don't look back
kiss and love on your kids, and encourage and love yourself.

Blessings
K
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Old 11-02-2010, 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by jamie22 View Post
Hi all, I know everyone out there is patiently, lovingly and hopefully waiting for their husband/boyfriend/fiance to come home. But please let me just advise you on what to expect if this is you first time around. My husband spent 20 months in prison on a drug charge. He lied about using drugs, lied about stealing money from me, lied about everything. But still I gave him another chance and waited faithfully and adoringly for him while I lost my business, my home, my family's respect for me and my self-esteem. David swore he would change and would never let me down like that again. Promised he would work hard, take care of me and our children and be a great husband. Problem is, ladies, men don't go to prison because they are nice guys. They go to prison because they are selfish and self-indulgent. Prison doesn't change that. They will tell you anything you need to hear just to make sure that there is someone waiting for them to put a roof over their heads and make sure their bellies are full at night. His own family begged me to leave him knowing that David was always going to be the same no matter what. But I wouldn't listen and stood by him.

Now he's home. He is selfish, refuses to help financially, lies, steals and does whatever he wants. The kids are afraid of him -- even the dog won't go near him. I tried to give him everything he needed to get back on his feet but it was easier for him just to let me do everything. It's been 8 months since David got home, and I regret waiting for him. I lost almost 3 years waiting for him and I wish I had listened to everyone who told me to write him off.

Now I'm the one who is angry, bitter and cynical. I hate what he has done to me and my family and I know that he will never be the man he promised he would be. He went to prison for a reason. Funny thing is, that even though they go to prison for their crimes, we are punished even more. Just the stigma of being married to an ex-con is punishment for a lot of women.

Please ladies, don't believe the "jailhouse talk." They will say anything to get you to stay. Take it for what it is; a lonely man with nothing to lose who needs a warm bed to crawl into at night. Give him enough time and he'll return to the criminal that he was before going to prison.

God bless all of you for your love for these men. There is a special place in heaven for all of us that believe in redemption and the slim chance that they can actually change.

Jamie
your right girl sometimes we want to believe in them, don't get me wrong there are some that are real and honest I respect those, I met only one in my life, and I hope one day he will get release cause he is one man that deserves it, i just did not have the patience to wait, but one thing about that man he is straight out. I've been in the prison system for years and also I seen all the liars and I seen women get hurt for giving there heart and all these men did was give the same line to more than one women so women be careful thats all the advice I can give..find a man that will be real they are out there becareful with phoneys they don't care if they hurt cuz they will just go to the next
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Old 11-02-2010, 07:03 PM
roseruiz roseruiz is offline
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