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  #1  
Old 04-16-2011, 11:24 AM
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Default Can't talk to mom about incarcerated fiancee

Hey ladies!!
I have a wonderful relationship w/ my mom. She's not just my mother but my best friend, my bestie, my confidant..at least about MOST things. I wish I could talk to her about my relationship w/ my fiance, but...SHE IS DEAD SET AGAINST IT & MAKES NO BONES ABOUT IT.

Because I have a great level of respect for her, I don't even talk about him around her AT ALL. I gotta be real ladies and say that even though I have gotten somewhat used to the situation, that doesn't make it hurt any less. I mean, what girl doesn't want to talk to her mom about the man that not only brings her unspeakable love and joy, but that special one that she plans on spending the rest of her life with?

As a mom myself with an adult daughter, I do understand that she only wants the best for me and I love her for that. But I haven't even been able to tell her that me & my fiance are getting married. I've had to keep it a secret. As a matter of fact, the only other person who knows that we plan on being wed is my daughter who is our biggest fan.

My mom's reasoning is that she believes that once he gets out that he won't be able to properly provide for me and my children. She also feels like once he comes back in the real world that those bad habits will find their way back to our doorstep. Well, mama ain't raise no fool cuz I think about that too.

I do realize that once my king & I do tie the knot that there is a very REAL possibility that my biological best friend(mom) and my relationship may take a turn for the worst. Hopefully, this will not be the case cuz as far as I'm concerned she will always be my mom.

Anyone else goin' through somethin' similiar?
C'mon in & let's talk!!
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Old 04-16-2011, 11:45 AM
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Walk in love and grace and educate -educ at -educate about the importance of services that fight recidivism-When you hold your head up, others can't look down....
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Old 04-16-2011, 11:56 AM
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Trying to "educate" my mom about services that help fight against recidivism is like trying to explain to teens the importance and benefits of being responsible at home and school..kinda goes in one ear and out the other..my mom has had brothers and cousins who have bene in and out the system all their lives and this is why she thinks that my soon to be hubby will be one of the unfortunate ones who ends up returning back to prison and leaving me holding the bag and making me look bad.
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Old 04-16-2011, 11:57 AM
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Trying to "educate" my mom about services that help fight against recidivism is like trying to explain to teens the importance and benefits of being responsible at home and school..kinda goes in one ear and out the other..my mom has had brothers and cousins who have bene in and out the system all their lives and this is why she thinks that my soon to be hubby will be one of the unfortunate ones who ends up returning back to prison and leaving me holding the bag and making me look bad.
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Old 04-16-2011, 12:47 PM
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Hey ladies!!
I have a wonderful relationship w/ my mom. She's not just my mother but my best friend, my bestie, my confidant..at least about MOST things. I wish I could talk to her about my relationship w/ my fiance, but...SHE IS DEAD SET AGAINST IT & MAKES NO BONES ABOUT IT.

Because I have a great level of respect for her, I don't even talk about him around her AT ALL. I gotta be real ladies and say that even though I have gotten somewhat used to the situation, that doesn't make it hurt any less. I mean, what girl doesn't want to talk to her mom about the man that not only brings her unspeakable love and joy, but that special one that she plans on spending the rest of her life with?

As a mom myself with an adult daughter, I do understand that she only wants the best for me and I love her for that. But I haven't even been able to tell her that me & my fiance are getting married. I've had to keep it a secret. As a matter of fact, the only other person who knows that we plan on being wed is my daughter who is our biggest fan.

My mom's reasoning is that she believes that once he gets out that he won't be able to properly provide for me and my children. She also feels like once he comes back in the real world that those bad habits will find their way back to our doorstep. Well, mama ain't raise no fool cuz I think about that too.

I do realize that once my king & I do tie the knot that there is a very REAL possibility that my biological best friend(mom) and my relationship may take a turn for the worst. Hopefully, this will not be the case cuz as far as I'm concerned she will always be my mom.

Anyone else goin' through somethin' similiar?
C'mon in & let's talk!!
I do understand.. My mom has passed on, but I know that if she was living, she would not approve of my husband.. You don't sound like no FOOL, but a woman that knows what she wants and what her heart desires.. My advice is don't try and change your mom's beliefs. If your fiance is everything that you believe he is, then his actions might be the turn around that you're hoping for in your mom.. Your right, she will always be your mom, but not having the added stress of loving someone that your mom doesn't think is good enough for you, might not be a worry for you anymore.
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Old 04-16-2011, 01:40 PM
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This sounds EXACTLY like my mom and I. I used to talk about him and she would just change the subject. She doesn't really bash him or anything.. just avoids it. Now I know just to not bring him up. She tries to act like it's not happening... when she knows it is. Yesterday my mom and I were talking about all the places I want to go "someday". She said... "You better marry a doctor." That really hurt my feelings because she knows I'm with Adam... but she just acts like I'm not. blah!
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Old 04-16-2011, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by sexymrshaw37 View Post
Trying to "educate" my mom about services that help fight against recidivism is like trying to explain to teens the importance and benefits of being responsible at home and school..kinda goes in one ear and out the other..my mom has had brothers and cousins who have bene in and out the system all their lives and this is why she thinks that my soon to be hubby will be one of the unfortunate ones who ends up returning back to prison and leaving me holding the bag and making me look bad.
I didn't post to educate your mom, educate your community, put your energy into giving back, all you mom gets to see is the Grace that comes from doing the right thing
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:40 PM
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I do understand.. My mom has passed on, but I know that if she was living, she would not approve of my husband.. You don't sound like no FOOL, but a woman that knows what she wants and what her heart desires.. My advice is don't try and change your mom's beliefs. If your fiance is everything that you believe he is, then his actions might be the turn around that you're hoping for in your mom.. Your right, she will always be your mom, but not having the added stress of loving someone that your mom doesn't think is good enough for you, might not be a worry for you anymore.
Thanks so much for this sound advice!! I really needed o hear this...
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:43 PM
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I didn't post to educate your mom, educate your community, put your energy into giving back, all you mom gets to see is the Grace that comes from doing the right thing
I appreciate the feedback, but at this point this isn't about "educating the community"..this is about a daughter who wishes that she had her mom's approval...
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:48 PM
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This sounds EXACTLY like my mom and I. I used to talk about him and she would just change the subject. She doesn't really bash him or anything.. just avoids it. Now I know just to not bring him up. She tries to act like it's not happening... when she knows it is. Yesterday my mom and I were talking about all the places I want to go "someday". She said... "You better marry a doctor." That really hurt my feelings because she knows I'm with Adam... but she just acts like I'm not. blah!
Girl, when I was reading this, I felt like I was reading a biography of my own life!! My mom does the SAME EXACT THING...she sometimes say things like "when you find a husband", or she'll say something like "you might as well go ahead and break up w/ that boy now while he's locked up, that way it won't be as hard on him"...
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:12 PM
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Girl, when I was reading this, I felt like I was reading a biography of my own life!! My mom does the SAME EXACT THING...she sometimes say things like "when you find a husband", or she'll say something like "you might as well go ahead and break up w/ that boy now while he's locked up, that way it won't be as hard on him"...
It hurts huh? When you figure out how to fix it... let me in on the secret please! lol I KNOW my mom will love him. I think after 5 minutes of talking to him when he gets home, she will see what I see... the only thing I worry about... is if she will give him that 5 minute chance.
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:33 PM
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My heart goes out to you... Like you my mom is my BFF and she didn't agree with my choice... My sister finally told me to try and stop talking about my at the time fiancee so much... So I did for about 2 minutes lol... Give her time to adjust to the fact you love who you love... She'll see that you're happy.. That's all that they want for us... My mom eventually came around it only took two years but she did... She's the one who picked out my wedding dress for my wedding on the inside... We're married now almost 6 months and my mom actually asks about him... She also looks forward to the cards that he sends her for all the special days... She said that he's more on time with things than her own daughters... My point is things will work out just be patient... Good luck to you...
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:39 PM
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It hurts huh? When you figure out how to fix it... let me in on the secret please! lol I KNOW my mom will love him. I think after 5 minutes of talking to him when he gets home, she will see what I see... the only thing I worry about... is if she will give him that 5 minute chance.
Yes girl, it does hurt..and if you figure out how to "fix it", then please let me know!! Lol..
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:43 PM
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My heart goes out to you... Like you my mom is my BFF and she didn't agree with my choice... My sister finally told me to try and stop talking about my at the time fiancee so much... So I did for about 2 minutes lol... Give her time to adjust to the fact you love who you love... She'll see that you're happy.. That's all that they want for us... My mom eventually came around it only took two years but she did... She's the one who picked out my wedding dress for my wedding on the inside... We're married now almost 6 months and my mom actually asks about him... She also looks forward to the cards that he sends her for all the special days... She said that he's more on time with things than her own daughters... My point is things will work out just be patient... Good luck to you...
Thanks for this word of encouragement!! It is definitely needed!! I see where you said that you and your hubby got married while he was in..how did the wedding go if you don't mind me asking?
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:56 PM
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Hmm...you are definitely not alone. However try living at home where for awhile, no one in the house would even talk to me. Especially my mom . She doesn't even discuss the matter, and the few times my fiance has dared to call the house phone (usually when we were arguing and I refused to pick up my cell), she'd get so upset! She'll say things like "...don't bring your drama to my house," or the infamous "...tell that boy not to call my house." She refers to him as "THAT BOY."

My fiance once tried to write her a letter to resolve some of the issues, but that made things worse. It also somewhat hurt him, because I guess he thought he'd be able to change her heart. That's not going to happen. We've just come to the conclusion that she'll have to come to terms with the whole thing sooner or later. Whether she likes it or not. After all it is our life...she has her own to live.

But I think you should tell her you're getting married, because if she finds out from someone else she will be hurt. Trust me I know...my mom happened to open a letter he sent me with the marriage license in it. She flipped. Another reason why he sends all my mail to his mama's house...
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:58 PM
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:58 PM
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I'm going through the same thing right now. I told my mom a couple of months ago (I couldn't help it because she and I have always been close PLUS I was hoping she will be open minded). When I first told her after being slightly negative her words were, "...well, I'm happy for you, but watch out for my granddaughter...she's been through enough." First of all, her granddaughter hasn't been through anymore than the average kid, but I understand her concern. Now, it seems she has a total disregard for our relationship. She says things negatively: "you deserve better" (ummm..he is better) "you need someone who is working toward their future; not just making plans" (ummm...in this time of economic recession...even bankers don't know their future). The other evening while out with my mom and sister in law...my sister in law (who also knows about my relationship) made the statement, "you need to do this and that to get you a husband." (...ummm, I am not 'looking' for a husband). I was highly upset because my sister in law knew about him before my mom did. She made that statement in front of my mom as if she doesn't approve of it either. I am very family oriented and giving. I always give to my family. I reunite with someone who loves me and gives to me and willing to give me even more once he's home and no ones really supportive. This makes me want to move away when he comes home and just go somewhere and live a 'free' life with him. It's hard to be around people who aren't supportive of your dreams and something you feel so deeply about. Okay, I'm venting.
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:00 PM
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:09 PM
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I'm thinking about getting a post office box (she hasn't opened any of my mail from him yet, but the thought of it angers me...I would go off! and I'll probably threaten to press federal charges against her LOL). But, I'll be upset because that's grounds for mistrust. You know it's not addressed to you, therefore do not touch! (...that part in the movie "The Notebook" made me mad and the girl was young)...I'm very grown. Anyway, I've thought about writing her a letter about my feelings toward him and telling her how he makes me feel. It would be a piece of my heart. If she ignores it, I'll know she's been stubborn. I'm happy with him (I am tolerating our situation) and his love makes it better...she should get this!
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:24 PM
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Thanks for this word of encouragement!! It is definitely needed!! I see where you said that you and your hubby got married while he was in..how did the wedding go if you don't mind me asking?
Yes we did, he's still on the inside btw... The wedding actually was better than I expected... The guards that they had posted that day were very nice.. Absolutely no drama that day... Where he is I was told we could only have a witness a piece present.. Well I brought two of my best friends with me... Other people had their whole family there and all was able to witness the ceremony... The pastor who married us was very nice... When she spoke I felt like we were on the outside... I really didn't expect her to run through it like a regular outside wedding but she did.. All of us got to sit together and talk before and after the ceremony... We also took pictures all together... It was a beautiful day... The only complaint I had was I wish he didn't have to wear his state green pants... But I did have a say in his shirt and shoes so I took the pants in stride...
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:25 PM
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Nope sorry.
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:26 PM
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I'm thinking about getting a post office box (she hasn't opened any of my mail from him yet, but the thought of it angers me...I would go off! and I'll probably threaten to press federal charges against her LOL). But, I'll be upset because that's grounds for mistrust. You know it's not addressed to you, therefore do not touch! (...that part in the movie "The Notebook" made me mad and the girl was young)...I'm very grown. Anyway, I've thought about writing her a letter about my feelings toward him and telling her how he makes me feel. It would be a piece of my heart. If she ignores it, I'll know she's been stubborn. I'm happy with him (I am tolerating our situation) and his love makes it better...she should get this!
Yeah I never thought she'd open my mail either, but she did. And the one she chooses to open, just so happened to have the marriage license in it. I wonder if she could sense it from the envelope .

But good luck with the letter...I don't think I can write my mom one until I'm out of the house and finished with college. Maybe then she'll have more respect for me and my decisions.

Oh and btw, don't you just love "The Notebook."
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:29 PM
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*deep sigh*..."The Notebook! (LOL...I'm about to watch it again!!! LOL)
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Old 04-16-2011, 08:09 PM
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Hmm...you are definitely not alone. However try living at home where for awhile, no one in the house would even talk to me. Especially my mom . She doesn't even discuss the matter, and the few times my fiance has dared to call the house phone (usually when we were arguing and I refused to pick up my cell), she'd get so upset! She'll say things like "...don't bring your drama to my house," or the infamous "...tell that boy not to call my house." She refers to him as "THAT BOY."

My fiance once tried to write her a letter to resolve some of the issues, but that made things worse. It also somewhat hurt him, because I guess he thought he'd be able to change her heart. That's not going to happen. We've just come to the conclusion that she'll have to come to terms with the whole thing sooner or later. Whether she likes it or not. After all it is our life...she has her own to live.

But I think you should tell her you're getting married, because if she finds out from someone else she will be hurt. Trust me I know...my mom happened to open a letter he sent me with the marriage license in it. She flipped. Another reason why he sends all my mail to his mama's house...
Girl, my mom refers to him as 'THAT BOY" too!! Lol..so degrading..I told her a while ago that we need to just agree that we would NOT discuss him anymore because I knew that if we didn't do that, then chances were we might end up NOT being friends anymore..
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Old 04-16-2011, 08:11 PM
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