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Old 01-12-2010, 01:13 PM
Wobabi Wobabi is offline
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Question Is it realistic to expect them to be trouble–free in Prison?

Hello , PTO!
I am curious on others views ,,,is it realistic to expect them to be trouble free in Prison?
I have to be honest, there was a time where I would go ballistic if my hunnie came to me with any situation that would involve him getting in to trouble in prison. Well until we got into trouble in Prison.
It was then that I realized that getting into trouble in there is easier than anyone could imagine. AND it can happen at the blink of an eye.
So I had to change my mindset that instead of worrying about him being trouble free I just wanted him to make it out ALIVE.
Now I know this depends on where your loved is doing their time. If they are at Camp Cupcakes with a bunch of folks about to go home that’s one thing but I am talking people who have loved ones doing HARD TIME. All it takes is the wrong look or taking that Twinkie off your bunk and not knowing why its there to get you messed up in there.
Am I the only one who had to change their thoughts on this? Am I off base completely?
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Old 01-12-2010, 01:29 PM
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Greetings stranger.

Yes and No.
I felt the same way because I had seen/heard of millions of men who go through the system w/o getting into trouble. If they can stay out of trouble, why can't he? Plus, upon joining PTO I heard the chorus of women singing how their men have been trouble free for 'X' amount of time. This fact is often repeated here; almost as a badge of honor. This put me in the fast lane to believing that my love should stay trouble free as well.
Having gone through this for almost year now, I've loosened my up the trouble leash because now I've seen first hand how minor infractions are such a big deal in there. I'd be a hypocrite to sit here and tell him not to do this and then hang up the phone and do the things I JUST advised him not to do. After contemplating this topic for many hours in my head I've realized that yes, it is stupid to get in trouble for little things. These minor troubles often lead to us being apart longer. On the flipside I think I'd be doing the same things if the roles were reversed...so who am I to judge?

I don't have any control over his actions, either inside or out. I don't love him for the stupid choices he's made, and probably will make, but I've already accepted the fact that he's human. I know if the roles were reversed he wouldn't be bitching at me every time I called and told him I got written up, so I've decided to treat him the same way I'd want to be treated: with respect.
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Old 01-12-2010, 01:37 PM
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I guess so far I've been very lucky my old man hasn't got into any trouble "knock on Wood"....He's been in since 11-13-2008, I've asked him before what he does to stay out of trouble and his reply is (It isn't easy)......

He's Home as of 7/17/2010
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Old 01-12-2010, 01:39 PM
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WELCOME BACK WOMAN!!! You have been missed!

Ok - back to the question...Jay is not a trouble-maker nor does he seek trouble out. BUT - he got a shot for using the phone to take a call from me while in the hospital waiting for brain surgery. A really nice nurse called me to tell me what room he was in. A not so nice nurse contacted the camp and spoke to the WARDEN and made quite a scene. So as some sort of saving face I guess they gave him a shot. As of December 28, he lost his phone privileges for 60 days. Minor in comparison to what it could have been, but still, when you are on a furlough and in the hospital with a blood clot on your brain, you'd think a phone call would be acceptable.
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Old 01-12-2010, 01:45 PM
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Hey Babi - good to see something from you!.

As to your question, I think it's a two way street. I do think that for the most part, they can avoid trouble once they learn the "rules". While it's true that they can't control whatever trouble comes to them, they can control their hot headed tempers, wild mouths, and fists. A guard says something you don't like, it's not going to benefit you to act out and start running your mouth, and if you know this and don't do it, your trouble will be far less than if they can provoke you easily. Same with other cons - when you come in green, they are going to try you to see what you're about.

What I told my hubby when he was in, was to keep his head down, his mouth shut, and do what he could to stay off their radar. He did that, and still caught a couple minor cases (from guards), but nothing that stuck and affected his time getting out.
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Old 01-12-2010, 01:55 PM
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I agree with NoOne, when I saw how many people on this site were talking about their men being trouble free their whole sentence, I wondered why mine wasn't also. I used to freak out on him when he did catch a case, I'd be so pissed he was almost afraid to tell me about it.

But after a while, I saw that the few mior cases he has caught have been so petty that I can't really fault him that much. It's almost impossible for him to stay out of trouble because that would require him to be perfect all the time. For example, he was written up (along with 15 other people) in December for being out of place when he walked to the trash can in his dorm

Now I say that as long as he is putting forth his best effort to stay out of trouble, I will keep my cool when it comes to the minor cases.
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Old 01-12-2010, 02:00 PM
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This is one of the very few things that can cause me and my man to argue.

The way I look at it is, if he really wants to change and show me he is trying to better himself, then he will do everything possible to stay out of trouble. I also have had to accept the fact that even if he does that, it is still very easy to get caught up in there.
He got very upset with me when I let him know that if, for whatever reason, he got in trouble, I would take that as a sign that if he can't make it in prison, how will he make it in the free world? He said I should know better than that, that if he ever got in trouble it was because it absolutely couldn't be avoided.
So, I have come to accept that petty write ups and things like that will happen, but I have asked him to promise me that he won't pick up a new charge or anything like that.
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Old 01-12-2010, 02:12 PM
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Like you, Babi, at one point in time I thought (and he thought as well) that we could get through this decade+ without any shots... once he got to the USP and the environment there progressively got worse, we both realized it was going to be harder than he thought. Not that I would encourage or condone him to start bangin' but he's the one living in the maximum security, seeing people getting stabbed up, seeing people that mind their business catching beatdowns, dodging rubber bullets and percussion grenades. I have come to the point where I am just 'come home alive and come home on time'.
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Old 01-12-2010, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Wobabi View Post
Hello , PTO!
I am curious on others views ,,,is it realistic to expect them to be trouble free in Prison?
I sure have missed your input around here. Great thread!

For me babi, it's realistic, i do know a few who have been trouble free (long timers), my man has been down 10 years and got his last write up with me during visiting a year ago ~ for touching too much (big deal) it was only his second one in 10 years (the first one was back in 05 for a fight), but to my hubby it was a big deal.... see he doesn’t have a date only a "the possibility of one" so for him he's got to stay trouble free, it's not easy, but it's doable... now with his new mind set of getting out, back in 05 he didn't have the hope / integrity he has today.
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Old 01-12-2010, 03:12 PM
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No, you're not the only one who had to change thoughts on this here. I to had to change my thought process far as expecting him to be trouble-free while in prison. Now don't get me wrong I don't condone him getting into trouble non what-so-ever. I have this saying when he tells me about something that went down in there, which is
"find your own and mind your own".

Last edited by URSUNSHINE; 01-12-2010 at 03:25 PM..
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Old 01-12-2010, 03:48 PM
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I dont think that it is unrealistic to have a trouble free prison experience from my man. However though he may be on his best behavior someone else may not be. A good example of this is my man who is in for a tech violation was jumped by a newby who was facing 27 yrs. Old boy had nothing to loose my man had everything to loose. Both got a major case no one lost classification. My man got in deep poop by me as I always told him it aint the guards you got to worry about its your wife that you need to concern your self with. The major told me he knew both men well and it was out of character for both to behave in that manner. My husband made parole and of course the other dude went on with his time. I do not think based on what the major told me that my husband had any choice as to turn his back would mean brain damage or death as the other dude had a lock in a sheet swinging it at my husband. There was no way around it.

in short our men may be walking right but others dont and sometimes there is no other choice except to defend your self.

One drop of blood from Jesus covers all our transgressions.

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Old 01-12-2010, 04:01 PM
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I think its a little bit of both. My husband has been in for almost 8 years at a max security prison and when he was younger (we are talking 18 years old) he always got into trouble. Fights...being sent to the hole for months at a time. His original ERD was in April, but with everything that has happened during his prison stay, it is not in September. IMO because he was so young...he was a knucklehead...always felt invinsible and never looked at the consequences.

NOW that he is married, older, has a step-daughter and a life to look forward to, he stays clear of trouble all the time. He is conciencious of the consequeces if he does get into trouble. He has been write up free for over 2 years and all he concentrates on is coming home. It is not always easy, there have been times where someone will try and push his buttons, cut in on our phone time, say something disrespectful and as much as my husband wants to resort to old ways, he doesnt.

He tells me that the only time he will ever take it to that next level is because he absolutely has to and I cant fault him for that. Its prison...not Disneyland...and when you have to defend yourself to survive so he can come home, than that is what he has to do.
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Old 01-12-2010, 06:56 PM
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There is trouble every time they turn the corner. Sometimes it is an unavoidable circumstances sometimes it is avoidable.

My man has been in long enough that he holds his own. My ex, stays away from trouble or he goes back to a locked cell for a long long time so he tries to stay away from trouble.
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Old 01-12-2010, 07:01 PM
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I only expect him not to be the one starting the trouble......I always expect him to defend himself if it came down to it..luckily he hasn't faced any trouble in the 2 years hes been in hes pretty well likes where he is and has had no troubles...thank god
"So it's not going to be easy! It's going to be really; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but i want to do that because i want you. I want all of you everyday, forever. You and me everyday..."
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Old 01-12-2010, 09:55 PM
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Do I expect it's possible? Yes, but I think it's probably very difficult to stay out of trouble. And do I expect it of him? No, my relationship isn't contingent on perfect behavior. I want more than anything for him to be happy, alive, and safe. He's got a long time and he knows more than I do how to survive physically and mentally in that place. What's best for him is what I think about. As it happens, he thinks about what's best for me, and I do think he will try to keep out of trouble.
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:01 PM
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I think it is realistic to expect a trouble free prison stay. Fortunately Ben has been able to avoid any issues since his 1st year in, but I know that anything could happen at any time. There are rules that are obviously absurd, but they still have to be adhered to. Blatant disregard is not something I do not care for, but I'm not going to be all up in arms over some ridiculous DR because someone was having a bad day.

"To thine own self be true" - William Shakespeare

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Old 01-12-2010, 10:12 PM
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I think that they need to *TRY* to stay out of trouble as much as possible. I personally couldn't deal with a constant string of seg and no contact. I also don't buy the whole "inside has nothing to do with outside" crap. IF a man can't keep his nose clean (so to speak) in prison with all the structure then how can they stay clean when the decisions are theirs to make.

I agree trouble can be real easy to find in there and if mine got in trouble, I would understand it was unavoidable. Luckily he has the mindset of "do the time, make the best, fly low and get home ASAP".
It's all 1's and 0's
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:28 PM
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Camp cupcakes lol......if there was such a place mine would of put in a transfer there

To the OP, it is prison not a boy scout troop meeting. I expect him to not stick his neck on the line, but to do what hes got to do to get by. It also depends on their bid. If its longer they have respect to worry about. He better not let someone straight dis respect him, or his property, he better keep himself safe, and number one he better defend himself at all costs.

I say this because his first go around in prison he was in for a short bid, so he just kept to himself, tried not to really get involved with anyone or prison politics. Well needless to say he got jumped, a few weeks before he was due to get released. He can fight the man could of made a career out of it, but he didnt do much in fear of getting more time. Well they had a lock in a sock, he had 16 staples in his head, and ended up dental surgery, which he is still getting to this day. So i told him the next go around dont let anyone lay a hand on you i dont care if it will get you another few months, to me your well being is worth it.

This is your life, and its ending one minute at a time..

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Old 01-12-2010, 10:36 PM
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My guy is doing hard time...11 years down, 4 to go...and he is NOT at Camp Cupcake. He has only been to the hole 1 time back when he was first incarcerated, so, yeah, I think it's realistic to expect them to be trouble free while in prison. At least, free of the kind of trouble that gets them put in the hole. Those guards are always gonna fuss about something.

He has told me that the longer he has stayed out of trouble, the more the guards like and respect him so they don't hassle him as much as some of the known troublemakers. He still gets tongue lashings for stupid chit sometimes (for ex- our kiss was too long at the end of visit one week) but nothing "official" in the form of write ups.
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by tee.dot.q View Post
I think that they need to *TRY* to stay out of trouble as much as possible. I personally couldn't deal with a constant string of seg and no contact. I also don't buy the whole "inside has nothing to do with outside" crap. IF a man can't keep his nose clean (so to speak) in prison with all the structure then how can they stay clean when the decisions are theirs to make.

I agree trouble can be real easy to find in there and if mine got in trouble, I would understand it was unavoidable. Luckily he has the mindset of "do the time, make the best, fly low and get home ASAP".
I absolutely agree.marc has had one write up.and that inmate came at him first and the guy lost 3 teeth for his efforts.no one ever messed with him at county again.marc is a man of few words,minds his business,makes it VERY CLEAR he has zero tolerance for bs and is a big man.he is absolutely determined to stay straight. I think if an inmate is frequently in trouble and it's always someone else's fault that is a big problem. yes,i'm sure anything can happen at any time but a pattern yes,i think thats a problem.
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Old 01-12-2010, 11:18 PM
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Right now, I expect him to be. He has about 150 days left & he better keep his nose clean or he will incur the wrath of Amber. Now, if it were years ago, I wouldn't be so hard a**ed about it, but I'd still want him to try his best. Right now, we're so close to his exit that I don't think I could handle any nonsense.
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Old 01-13-2010, 09:50 AM
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I believe it is realistic to expect them to be write up free (and I know it's possible as my honey has been in for 9+ years and never received a write up). I realize trouble is lurking at every corner but in most instances our loved ones have a choice of how they deal with conflict. My honey keeps to himself, minds his business and aligns himself with other guys who behave in the same fashion. Sure there are BS rules and regulations inside but to me if someone has issues following those rules (regardless of what they are and how silly they may be) inside to me it's a red flag to what the future on the outside may hold.

By the way... Nice to see you around here again Wobabi.. you've been missed!!!
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Old 01-13-2010, 10:42 AM
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Yes, I believe it is possible for them to stay out of trouble, but I also think it depends on how new they are to being there, how determined they are to come home.

I am still learning about all this so of course I can only go on what I have seen and heard from him, but he told me when he first went in at the tender age of 18 to a max facility that it took him over seven years to quit getting into shit. He finally came to the realization that the only person that was going to get him out was himself.

He has remained nearly write up free for about 25 years now. He has never been in an easy facility. Thank goodness he is in a decent place now, but the same traps exist there that are in nearly any prison, he knows how to keep his head down and do his time. I just could not do this walk if he was not smart enough after all this time to avoid the pitfalls. I want him home, bottom line, end of story.

That does not mean I am blind to what can happen, and I have been thru one incident with him, but there was a lot underlying the situation. I have never forgotten something he told me, he said that guys who try to intimidate others with fear better grow eyes in the back of their heads. That respect is not about making others fear you. I have the utmost respect for him and thats because he has been a man and truly has not allowed the time to do him, but he has done the time.

I have to admit though, I do occasionally twinge about us getting some b.s. write up from some a-hole guard. But should that happen, I know he will know how to handle it and we do our utmost to not generate any of that type of attention.
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Old 01-13-2010, 11:37 AM
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I told my husband that he does not have time to be getting in trouble. He has over a year left so hopefully he won't. I don't expect for him to be a punk either because I know that he is not but he has to work to get home. So he can avoid the drama for a little while.

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Old 01-13-2010, 12:39 PM
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Well, this is my husband's sixth prison sentence, so I feel like he's already established respect. With this new charge (he's still in reception right now) I think he should be COMPLETELY trouble-free.

If he can't do this, I can't do us.
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