If you found out something serious about his family would you tell him?

aebswoman4ever · #1 11-06-2009, 12:53 AM

So I found out "accidently" today that my mans lil sister is in a coma in the hospital due to heart problems. He is very close to his sister..he is his sisters favorite person and he will be crushed when he finds this out. BUT his brother made me promise not to tell him cuz their mom doesn't want him to know yet. I feel like I'm stuck in a very hard place here cuz if I tell him he's going to sit in there and worry and his mom and brother will hate me for telling him. But if I don't tell him he will never trust me again for not telling him right away when I knew or I'm going to have to lie to him..which I really don't want to do..and tell him I knew nothing of it.

I hate this spot I'm put in now. So ladies plz help me out here!! Thanx

rodeointx · #2 11-06-2009, 12:59 AM

i would tell my husband because he would need to hear it from the one he is closest to. i would tell him in person rather on the phone if i could and if not then i would have the chaplin look in on him.

J&D7 · #3 11-06-2009, 01:10 AM

Yes. You had your answer in your post. You said that he would never be able to trust you again... and ultimately your loyalty lies with him not his family.

As hard as it may be, we cant shield our loved ones from bad things that happen on the outside.

only1love · #4 11-06-2009, 01:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aebswoman4ever

So I found out "accidently" today that my mans lil sister is in a coma in the hospital due to heart problems. He is very close to his sister..he is his sisters favorite person and he will be crushed when he finds this out. BUT his brother made me promise not to tell him cuz their mom doesn't want him to know yet. I feel like I'm stuck in a very hard place here cuz if I tell him he's going to sit in there and worry and his mom and brother will hate me for telling him. But if I don't tell him he will never trust me again for not telling him right away when I knew or I'm going to have to lie to him..which I really don't want to do..and tell him I knew nothing of it.

I hate this spot I'm put in now. So ladies plz help me out here!! Thanx

I recently went through this only it was not his sister! I called the chaplain. He was excellent. He went to him and he prepped him for the bad news sandwich, then facilitated a call where I could talk to him with the chaplain there, and then he helped him work through the grief. ( My situation ended without recovery)
You can feel comfortable telling the chaplain what you told us and he/she will be able to guide him through that as well. This way he is being told the bad news, but not left hanging all alone wondering.

lala16 · #5 11-06-2009, 02:00 AM

I would tell him that he needs to talk to his mother or brother bc something happened, but they made you promise not to tell him. HE deserves to know, but you need to try and make sure they and him trust you so I wouldn't tell him everything just say that something happened and he needs to talk to his family. Hope everything works out!!

number8 · #6 11-06-2009, 02:25 AM

I agree with eveyone else, he deserves to know what is happening. He may want to pray, or write, or whatever. I dont think others have the right to deny him knowledge of his loved sister. I also do not think they should put you in this situation.

Would they consider telling him themselves at any stage do you think? Perhaps they are in denial of what may happen and saying it makes it just too real. Do you know why they dont want him to find out? I would tell them that I am going to tell him, as he may want to contact them and that would be better if not unexpected.

I never lie to my mate, its just unthinkable to me to betray his trust. I know other people are different, but it seems to me from your post that you wish you had not made the promise to his family?

I also agree with the previous posts about telling him in person or having a word with the Chaplain first. Even if he is not keen on the Chaplain, it can be helpful to have this person in the know as sometimes they can help with phone calls or a special visit or whatever.

It would also be helpful if you knew as much as possible about his sisters condition, so that you can answer his questions. To just say she is very sick and in hospital without any more information, could cause more distress than necessary. Even the very worst news is better than 'I dont know's.

You are in my prayers, this is a very difficult situation on many levels for you both.

BOSS LADY RYDER · #7 11-06-2009, 06:23 AM

Tell him but tread lightly as he will be hurt and want to find a source to vent his frustrations and emotions and you dont want him to make his situation worse by flipping out in there. After the initial shock he will appreciate the fact that you were the only one honest with him.

OneOfMany · #8 11-06-2009, 06:31 AM

You may consider talking with his family again. Saying something like, "I know I promised I wouldn't; but if YOU don't tell him in (amount of time), I'M going to tell him." Face the wrath if need be, but you're being up front with them. As someone has suggested find out as much specific details about her condition as you can and be ready to follow through. He's being disrespected...not protected, not shielded...by being left in the dark.

you're married to him; not to his mother.

24jf · #9 11-06-2009, 08:06 AM

I agree with the others... You have to tell him but before doing so give his mother and brother one final chance. I hope and pray she fully recovers but what happens if she doesn't? How is he going to feel when he's hit with that news out of no where??

I wish you the best.. follow your heart and treat him how you'd want to be treated if you were in his position.

Daywalker · #10 11-06-2009, 08:09 AM

Sometimes families are VERY misguided when it comes to this sort of thing. It is likely that his mother and brother are trying to "shelter" him from the bad news. However, prison or not, he needs to know. I realize he can't do anything from in there, but think about this: if the worst happens and she passes away, he is going to be VERY angry that he never even knew, let alone had a chance to say goodbye. And as you said, if he finds out YOU knew, and didn't tell him, he will never trust you again.

I agree with Rodeo, I would try to tell him in person - this isn't the kind of news one should have over the phone. But if there is no other option, I would call the Chaplain and ask if he would relay the message. That's better than you telling him over the phone, and then the Chaplain is alerted that there may be a problem and can watch out for your man for a few days until he has had time to process this.

MissMarissaOX · #11 11-06-2009, 11:17 AM

His family puts me in this position ALL of the time.

The first time she asked me to keep something serious from her, I let her know that I'm unable to do that.. & that it made me uncomfortable for her to ask that of me. I understand the part about trying to "shelter" him, but that's his family.. & he deserves to know just as much as anyone else does [regardless of where he is].

About a year back, his grandfather had become quite sick. His mom called to let me know that.. and I let him know that he was sick (they were very close). A month or two passed.. and I hadn't heard any news & couldn't get a hold of his mother despite the countless messages I left on her answering machine.. and one day, I opened up the newspaper, and his grandfather was in the obits. She wasn't going to tell me so that I wouldn't tell him.

Did she REALLY think that he was never going to find out that his grandfather passed away?

But anyway, like I said, IMO.. I feel like they have just as much of a right as we do to know what's going on with our families.

mrs.bug · #12 11-06-2009, 11:34 AM

If it were me I would tell him. All of the other reasons above me are great, but the biggest reason is what if something happens to his sister (God forbid, what if she passes?) and he didn't even know she was in the hospital?

It's not his mother's right to keep information from him. I understand not wanting him to be upset because he's not in a position to do anything, but honestly even if he weren't in jail he still wouldn't be able to do much. He can't heal her, regardless of where he is. At least if he knows he can pray for her, write her, and send his love to her.

Good luck, that is certainly a tough spot.

JasonsLady · #13 11-06-2009, 11:36 AM

I agree that you should tell him.

marki1 · #14 11-06-2009, 12:34 PM

Ultimately, your relationship is with him...not them.. Would you want to know? tell him...

loveispatient13 · #15 11-06-2009, 03:50 PM

I would tell him , my man always tells me that he excpects me to tell him everything he knows no one else in his family would let him know if anything happened, i did it once when we got shot at at his house, he ended up finding out anyway and was hurt that i kept it from him let him know your probably all he has if he cant count on you then he cant count on anyone.