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  #1  
Old 11-01-2009, 12:00 AM
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Default He abandoned you to go to prison how was your healing process?

We all got abandoned because our men went off to prison true enough it was all his choice and he left you holding down the fort with a busted up heart. You cried, moaned groaned got pissed and felt as though your back was against the wall and you had to bust out fighting to live.

What did you do when the bell rang and you came out fighting and faced the problem? Which to me was healing. Over a year has passed since he went in. I can breath I hold my own and I am healed as much as possible while dealing with parole. Looking back I was weak and scared today I know I am gonna be ok. I know I can make it out here. I got Jesus behind the wheel I seen him taking care of me when I could not. I see my husband and my heart melts but I aint never gonna put up with him in prison again. I am strong and know who is in control of my life. I hate that we are all in a recession and at time I get worried then I hear a small voice in my head saying why do you worry have you not seem me take care of you and then I know I am fine.

Can you tell some of the new people how well your doing today and how you have grown in strength so that they will be able to know that it aint always as hard as it is in the beginning?
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Old 11-01-2009, 12:37 AM
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let me say, i am nowhere near healed. but i'm working on it. and i love that you've put it that way. my husband's only been gone 4 months now. when he left, i fell apart. didn't know how i could possibly do this alone. i still am not quite sure where i get my strength. we both do a lot of praying. that has helped me more than i could've ever imagined. when he first left, i felt like everything went wrong. if it could break, it did.
and every time i managed to get through
it.furnace,car, disposal, pipes, kids, me, banking, bills, family. you name it, it got thrown at me. i can now officially say "I can do this" no matter what, i manage. i never thought i could be so independant. never wanted to be. never needed to be. i didn't choose this but i'm grateful for what it has brought out in me. and yeah, sometimes i still lose it. just break down and cry. but it's ok. i don't spend 3 days in bed anymore because of it. i face it, head on, and move past. there are only obstacles in my life at this point. no problems or crisis. and he is amazed at how his wife has managed it all. the woman that wouldn't even take out the garbage.
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Old 11-01-2009, 01:05 AM
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1 he did not abandon us, he got taken from us
2 i have not healed, i've adapted
3 no i am not doing good, i need my jamie. til then i take it hour by hour mostly
4 the strength i have left is the same when i was abandoned into being a single mother
5 i still tell him i need him here cause physically i do. my body cant take it but even more now i have no choice but to keep going otherwise i end up living with my mother. my jamie did everything and in a moment of flashing lights telling you to pull over, it was all taken away from me and the boys.

its like the 5 stages of death:
1 denial (no hes coming home its a lie!)
2 anger (jamie u assh*le, you had to drive you couldnt stay home)
3 bargaining (plz god let him god i'll do anything!!! i need him!)
4 depression (hes gone what am i gonna do? i cant do this alone)
5 acceptance (i have no choice but to do it alone, just 6 months and i'll be ok i guess)

the only way i'll heal is when my jamie comes walking thru my door and hes home for good.

so............8 weeks down, 19 to go.
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Old 11-01-2009, 01:09 AM
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I can't truly say that I'm completly healed,but I can say taking everything as it comes on a day to day basis.That's how I usually do things.Of course I was and still am hurt by this ordeal,but I choose to wait.So I can't cry over spilled milk.To be honest I just wasn't built to just lie down in my sorrows.My parents were both in the military and I was just raised to know how to survive under any circumstance.I've had worse situations and I must say that this one here hasn't been all that bad considering how it could be.I just try and count my blessings and thank God that the worst case scenario didn't happen to my man while he was out there fumbling in them steets.I have hope for our future,and I have hope that when he comes home he'll be a better man than he was before he left.Sometimes alot of us need to take a trip in order to appreciate what's really important.The finer things in life aren't always visual.I know we have many more moments to enjoy eachother after he's done whatever it is he has to do.Plus, I'm not done yet with my transformation either.
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Old 11-01-2009, 01:27 AM
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You are not completely healed until your loved one is with you again. Until then there seems to be a part of you missing. I have only been at this for over 8 months. One thing I can say that has helped me is coming to terms with, "Everything Happens For A Reason." Honestly, this is either going to make you or break you
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Old 11-01-2009, 05:19 AM
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I agree with the starter of the thread....THE MEN ABANDON US...you can pretty it up if you want to, but what she wrote is true.

Unless your man is a chore boy and he was falsely picked up and convicted and sent to prison...HE ABANDONED YOU.

I am not healed, but I am trying. I do OK on my own and I do keep the faith in the one above to guide me and take care of me.

Best wishes to all. See the truth, confront it, deal with it, and move forward in your life.
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Old 11-01-2009, 05:52 AM
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Default Done it twice

The first time he went it, he was totally innocent and wrongly accused. So I didn't feel that he abandoned me and I had absolutely no anger towards him. The way I got through the rest was, I wanted him to be proud of me and see that I'm strong enough to stand on my own. And he was! And it felt so good and helped me to keep going. I also got through because I wanted my daughter to see that a woman CAN make it through life without a man and not fall to pieces. So those were 2 strong motivators. Also, I didn't want to add to his guilt (he felt so bad about leaving us out here alone for 2 years) so I just kept telling myself, "It'll end eventually. Nothing lasts forever. You CAN deall with this. It's only temporary". That made it easier not to whine to him about how tough things were. Of course I couldn't help but miss him terribly. That's a tough one to ignore or "resolve" but I will say that over time, you sorta get used to them not being physically here and you do adjust. Not completely, but it does get easier. Keeping them "close" really helps (i.e. writing daily to keep him involved in your day-to-day life - writing was very theraputic for me because it felt like journaling, phone calls every night to ask his input on family matters, hearing his voice, letting the kids stay in touch, tell him about what's happening while he's gone and making him feel included, and visits - being able to look into each other's eyes and see the love and sincerity helps a lot even if, like us, you go 2 years with no contact).

Second time he went to jail was totally his fault. Guilty as charged. It was a much different experience for me. I felt that he had knowingly abandoned us because he made the choice to do what he did, risking leaving me and the kids all alone again. I felt resentful and taken for granted (Like, if you felt so bad about everything that we had to endure for the first 2 years, why the HELL would you purpously make us go through it again? Obviously you didn't appreciate all the sacrifices we made or you wouldn't be asking us to repeat it!). I felt betrayed and I felt ANGRY. Very Angry. And I hurt. It killed me to know that he didn't care that he was going to be separated from me for another 2 years. He says he "did" care and that he'd never intentionally separate us and that he hadn't planned on getting caught but my only reply was "you made the choice to break the law so by default, you made the choice to separate us". The way I worked through it was by constantly telling him how I was feeling. I usually don't like to complain to him but it had to come out. The only way I could get past the anger was to throw it all at him. I screamed, I yelled, I made him sit there and listen to EXACTLY what position he had just put us all in. Over time, the anger just seemed to fade. I got it out of my system. But it was a while. Another thing I did was try to remind myself that he's human and none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and if I were in his shoes, I'd want forgiveness. So I really worked hard at focusing on reasons why I should/could forgive. It took a while. But when you really love someone, you WANT to forgive and it's difficult to hold on to anger. As for trust, well that never returned. After this, I have no reason to believe that he'll stay out once he gets out. And it is for that reason that I can't be with him, as much as I do truly love him. I know that for the rest of his life he will be in and out of jail no matter how many times he promises, "this is the last time". I've forgiven him but I know that for me to be truly healthy, I can't have a husband that I don't trust to stay here with me and be loyal, no matter how much I love him.
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:06 AM
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I also felt totally abandoned by his stupidity. I was in the hospital and he was there with me that night and I asked him not to leave, especially in my car. He went downstairs supposedly to smoke a cigarette and left, in my car to do something stupid, especially to be driving that time of night with no license and he got picked up. I had already fallen asleep and got a call at 7 am the next morning. Here I am in the hospital, pregnant with his child, my car impounded, next to broke and facing having to move in the coming weeks on my own. Yes, I felt abandoned, in fact I fell apart. I snuck outside cause I had to have a cigarette and met the most amazing lady and I just poured it all out to her and she held me and she prayed and she told me to just give it to God and put it in His hands and I would be ok and honestly, I was. I got out of the hospital, borrowed the money to get the car out of impound, found a new place to live and everything just fell into place and I believe with all my heart that it was her prayer and helping me to put it in God's hands and realize that He had a plan. That was May 8, 2008, my son was born Oct 16, 2008 and just turned 1 and in 12 more days my baby will be home. I had a lot of anger, but I've had to forgive him and I've been able to, but that woman praying with me that day gave me the strength I've needed and I've prayed a lot on my own since then to keep it up.
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:08 AM
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Btw, great thread!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:21 AM
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I agree with the starter of the thread....THE MEN ABANDON US...you can pretty it up if you want to, but what she wrote is true.

Unless your man is a chore boy and he was falsely picked up and convicted and sent to prison...HE ABANDONED YOU.

I am not healed, but I am trying. I do OK on my own and I do keep the faith in the one above to guide me and take care of me.

Best wishes to all. See the truth, confront it, deal with it, and move forward in your life.
Thank you for this. Our men did abandon us, like this poster says. That is how you need to look at it or each time they go back (hopefully they do not), it will never be their fault. It seems like alot of people on this forum like to say that it is not their mans fault they are locked up. My man knows why he is where he is and he understands that. He also knows that I am not going through this again, that is for sure.
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:35 AM
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Great thread Rodeo.

Yes, he abandoned me. He left me to handle everything he needed done after he went in along with my own everyday business. Then to top it off, I had to deal with my feelings of hurt, loss, anger, and sadness.

It will be almost a year since he's been gone and in hindsight, this experience has increased my faith in the Lord 10-fold. I am much closer to Him and Jay. For us, it has been glass half full scenario. Learn from your hardships and grow from them.
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Old 11-01-2009, 11:57 AM
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Wow, I have never felt abandoned by my husband. Not when he was first arrested over 2 years ago and not now. He committed the crime, he's guilty. He made a stupid decision and the consequences of that stupid decision landed him in prison doing 5-6 years. I understand the reasoning and mentality behind his decision and we are working on redirecting his mindset to avoid future mishaps with law enforcement. When I hear the word abandoned I think of a victim, I think of helplessness. I am not a victim of my husband neither am I helpless. I am not a psychologist but I would think that if you feel abandoned by your man then there is also some resentment and anger that is felt as well. And those feelings are not going to help any relationship. I wish all you ladies the best and I hope for those who are carrying such heavy burdens that you can come to peace and let go of some of the extra burdens of anger.
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Old 11-01-2009, 02:09 PM
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im so much better, and im happy now, but im still healing of course. ill never fully be healed until hes home.

and in terms of how did i do it, i have an amazing boyfriend who has done everything he possibly can to lift me up and get me through this.
and i have to give a lot of credit to the dogs
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Old 11-01-2009, 05:14 PM
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Wow, I have never felt abandoned by my husband. Not when he was first arrested over 2 years ago and not now. He committed the crime, he's guilty. He made a stupid decision and the consequences of that stupid decision landed him in prison doing 5-6 years. I understand the reasoning and mentality behind his decision and we are working on redirecting his mindset to avoid future mishaps with law enforcement. When I hear the word abandoned I think of a victim, I think of helplessness. I am not a victim of my husband neither am I helpless. I am not a psychologist but I would think that if you feel abandoned by your man then there is also some resentment and anger that is felt as well. And those feelings are not going to help any relationship. I wish all you ladies the best and I hope for those who are carrying such heavy burdens that you can come to peace and let go of some of the extra burdens of anger.
Feeling abandoned has nothing to do with being a victim. It is a feeling that occurs after you have been with someone, planning a life, and suddenly (or maybe not suddenly) they are gone. IMHO, if you do not feel anger or resentment about him going to prison, then you are condoning that behavior. You better believe I feel angry about him leaving me alone out here.
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:48 PM
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Feeling abandoned has nothing to do with being a victim. It is a feeling that occurs after you have been with someone, planning a life, and suddenly (or maybe not suddenly) they are gone. IMHO, if you do not feel anger or resentment about him going to prison, then you are condoning that behavior. You better believe I feel angry about him leaving me alone out here.
I totally agree with you and my bf also agrees that he abandoned us and feels horrible guilt over it. I'm not mad at him now, I was at first, but I have been able to forgive him, I just wonder if he will ever be able to forgive himself.
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:57 PM
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Quote:
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It seems like alot of people on this forum like to say that it is not their mans fault they are locked up.


no i know its his fault for the original sentence. but his violation to me was my fault, even though it was his choice in the end to decide because of the situation.

i dont feel abandoned, i feel it as he was taken, because it wasnt his choice to leave and its a challenge for me to being a single mom again. so i take it with stride and just wait for my jamie to come back, after this VOP. we done with DOC forever and the corrupted system.
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Old 11-01-2009, 08:17 PM
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I never saw it as being abandoned. I saw it as completely unfair, which is pretty much the only thing that we are guaranteed in life - that it will be unfair, and bad things happen to good people.

I was strong before I met him, so being alone was nothing new to me. Being the one responsible for everything was nothing new to me. What has been a harder adjustment for me was learning to rely on him when he came home. I have never before in my life been in a position where I had to rely on any one, and certainly not one of my partners, so it has been very difficult for both of us.

I'm a realist, so to me, it was just do it or die trying.
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Old 11-01-2009, 09:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JamieShay View Post
1 he did not abandon us, he got taken from us
2 i have not healed, i've adapted
3 no i am not doing good, i need my jamie. til then i take it hour by hour mostly
4 the strength i have left is the same when i was abandoned into being a single mother
5 i still tell him i need him here cause physically i do. my body cant take it but even more now i have no choice but to keep going otherwise i end up living with my mother. my jamie did everything and in a moment of flashing lights telling you to pull over, it was all taken away from me and the boys.

its like the 5 stages of death:
1 denial (no hes coming home its a lie!)
2 anger (jamie u assh*le, you had to drive you couldnt stay home)
3 bargaining (plz god let him god i'll do anything!!! i need him!)
4 depression (hes gone what am i gonna do? i cant do this alone)
5 acceptance (i have no choice but to do it alone, just 6 months and i'll be ok i guess)

the only way i'll heal is when my jamie comes walking thru my door and hes home for good.

so............8 weeks down, 19 to go.
I agree with this.
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Old 11-01-2009, 09:46 PM
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Weather you choose to see it as abandoned or not is your call unless your man is truly innocent then he chose to do what he did and strap his family on so many levels. In my view which is always black n white I saw him turn his self into a drug addict I saw him choose to go down hill with his addiction. Realistically you can view life thru rose colored glasses or you can take the glasses off and stand up and fight for your family. We all love our men we all want them home those are facts but how weak you allow your self to get in his absence is your choice. Choosing to stay out of prison is your choice it is the same choice he had. No one says you must stop loving him because he is gone but what is said is that you have to still breath and still live without him until he is home. He is in a place now where God can work on him he is at a cross roads in his life come out n do this all over again or change. Change is the reason for the post. You have to look deep inside of your self and find the strength to change cuz there simply is no other option. I saw my family being taken care of when I was not mentally able to due to complete depression after he went in. I saw how I was almost out of food then calls came in for me to go pick up food from people who had extra. I saw how it was down to the last hour to pay my electric and boom the money was there in one form or another. I know where it came from. God.

Today I still miss my husband I am not cold at heart toward him. Hell that man is the love of my life but I can function without him I can take care of my family and I can live without him until he is home. To me to say that you just can not make it with out him is saying I am just not gonna live without a man and we are all women who are strong we have a natural will to take care of our families and our families deserve Mama.

By the way, there are some very wonderful ladies in this forum who will until death never have the luxury of the man they love coming home. Many of them are the ones that helped me most. I was selfish cuz my man is only doing a short time and they have a lifetime ahead of them to wait. Many of them have admitted feeling abandoned by their man but none the less they all have had to still live. And they had to heal from the anger and pain so that they do not become a slave to those emotions.
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Old 11-02-2009, 01:15 AM
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After doing this for 4 long years, I like to think that I've moved past the "abandonment" issue that I had with him. Don't get me wrong - I have my days where I'm mad as hell all over again & I thank the Lord that he's in a place that I cannot strangle him. But the healing didn't happen over night.. and after I spent a lot of lonely nights, crying my eyes out, trying to figure out how I was going to do it.. I realize that it is what it is. He made crappy a$$ decisions that tore our puzzle to shreds.. and I was the one who was left to try and fit the pieces of the puzzle back together again. Four years later, we have a handful of new issues to deal with - mostly him & his big mouth not being able to stay out of trouble - and at the rate he's going, we still have three glorious years left of the DOC. I just take it day by day.. and on really hard days, I take it hour by hour. I think the hardest part of MY healing process starts the day he comes home.. we've come a long way, but we (as a couple - and myself as an individual) still have a long way to go.
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Old 11-02-2009, 12:44 PM
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I still havent healed, the wound is still very open, there are days where i dont htink about it and there are days where i just get mad and frsutrated at what he did, i just wish he could come home with me.
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Old 11-02-2009, 01:03 PM
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Like a lot of the other posters, I too have not healed. I will not heal until he is home with me. I was 4 months pregnant when he abandoned me and his 6 yr old step daughter. He chose to leave the house drunk that night. He chose to run from the police.

I believe that having the kids makes my life a little easier. I can't hide in my room until his parole. I get up Mon - Fri take the kids to daycare, do to work, pick the kids up, make dinner, give them baths, clean the kitchen, do laundry, pay bills, write my husband. I keep myself as busy as possible.

He's been gone 11 months with 13 to go. I still cry during every visit and every phone call. I find it very hard to believe his professions of love and repentance. I'll believe it when I see it. Until then I'll stand beside him, support him and do the best I can to make sure he comes home to a happy, healthy, strong successful family.

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Old 11-02-2009, 05:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JamieShay View Post

no i know its his fault for the original sentence. but his violation to me was my fault, even though it was his choice in the end to decide because of the situation.

i dont feel abandoned, i feel it as he was taken, because it wasnt his choice to leave and its a challenge for me to being a single mom again. so i take it with stride and just wait for my jamie to come back, after this VOP. we done with DOC forever and the corrupted system.
Please explain how he did not leave you, but was taken from you. Unless he is truly innocent and did not actually commit a crime, then he was not taken. If that is how you want to view it, then that is okay. The way I see it, if you say he was taken, then he did nothing wrong. But whatever. Your situation does not affect me at all so call it what you want.
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Old 11-02-2009, 05:35 PM
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Planted my feet and kept taking everything as it comes. I get an associates degree as well as 2 certificates next year, bought a house, and renovated it. that kept me busy. All I can say as hard times come as they always do, remember tomarrow is another day and brings you one day closer to when he comes home
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Old 11-02-2009, 05:41 PM
beachbabi0769 beachbabi0769 is offline
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I agree with Jamieshay, I do not feel abandoned by him, I feel as though he was taken away. However, this experience has shown me, what i'm made of. Before I was much more dependant and I had a hard time making decisions on my own. But now, since I had to have our daughter without him there and i've had to pay bills alone, with no help and i've had to make decisions that were not only best for me, but more importantly, for my daughter. This has been a growing experience for all those who are involved. I am grateful for it. I hate being without him, I long for him to sleep next to me in our bed. I hate that I had to be the one to pay for his mistakes, but WE, US, I chose to. I chose this life. i could have walked away if I felt abandoned, but I love him. My love for him is far greater than my resentment for the things he has put me through. He has made me stronger, and a better person because of this. I am grateful for him and for this experience because its made me who I am today. I am a strong willed, determined, strong, independant woman. When he comes home (in 2 weeks) I will be all those things still, but I will have him by my side, and that will make all of this so worth it.
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