Decades ago, a psychologist advised me that my coping mechanisms would not last my lifetime. I’m 67-years old now; the psychologist was correct. I once could look at situations logically, looking for cause and effect, then plan my action, even if the action were only acceptance. We taught our children “if you know why, you can modify” and that has served me well.
Now that I can’t even arrange the facts, certainly a plan of action is beyond my capabilities. I never thought the day would come when I could not think for myself. Through the grace of God I have a job where we cannot make a mistake; our work goes through 4 quality checks each following a separate stringent protocol. That expectation of excellence has kept me on my toes professionally.
My personal life is shattered. I did not realize how far down I had fallen in the care of my property until I looked at the backyard this morning. Frankly, it looks as if the most committed white trash live here. I should make the yard my avatar for you to enjoy!
This week I did print off math review tests from our community college site so that I could work problems during the winter evenings hoping that the discipline of math would at least sweep the pieces of my mind into the same area.
Would you share what you do to cope with our situation, please? If you would please share what you do to cope at those times when if someone asked your name, you would not have a clue.
Peace with you and yours
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I really could feel the sadness and depression within your post. I can truly relate as I have also been there and most probably will again. My son is still in the process of being sentenced but it is enivitable ( sp?) that he will serve some sort of sentence.
The powerlessness is what I think has been the hardest thing for me to cope with. See Ive always been the fixer of just about anything in my life. Ive always seen it as a strength that I could identify a problem and then come up with solutions. What I have found with this situation is that I CANT fix this! There are however some things that I can do, to help him and myself to cope with this, to make me feel that somehow, even it is very small, that I can contribute in some positive way to the outcome.
Something that I have done:
* Began going to Alanon, talking to others about how to cope with it in healthy ways or just to get some support.
* Praying daily for strength and for GODs will, not mine. Maybe there is something bigger and better that god has in store for ALL of us.
* Spending time on the internet researching and learning all I can about prison life, education opportunities, rehabilitation programs etc etc.
* In my case my son is still not sentenced so I have written letters to the judge and the prosecutor in the case. I want them to see that Michael is WORTH salvaging. Im not asking that he not be punished for his crimes, but that they also consider him as a good candidate for treatment.
* I read in another thread here some great holiday ideas of things to do for Michael. I have enlisted the help of several family members to help put together 25 days of Christmas related stories, letter and etc. Staying busy is key I think, gives me a reason to get out of bed everyday!
* Making an effort to not forget I have other children, a wonderful significant other and family. This IS an effort as I can easily get sucked into tunnel vision and focus ALL my attention on the Michael situation..not good for me or my other loved ones.
I truly hope you can use these suggestions to help you. I pray that you can come out from under that black cloud ( sounds like possibly some situational depression) and begin to feel human again. Maybe start by going out to the yard and start picking up some of the accumulated junk/stuff. Its hard to start but once you do you will really feel like you have accomplished something!
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"The powerlessness is what I think has been the hardest thing for me to cope with. See Ive always been the fixer of just about anything in my life."
thank you for your insightful, empathetic reply.
Yes, the powerlessness is enraging. I too was taught to take care of myself and my loved ones then here I sit and sit and sit.
You will be pleased to know that I did work in the backyard this wkend. Every move I made felt like my lip feels after dental work. Numb, bloated, useless. The lesson in that was ... it doesn't matter how you feel as you work, the work gets done. That was a powerful lesson.
You provided productive suggestions and I'm proud of you for going forward.
I wish Michael, your family, and you a positive future.
Peace with you
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The one thing I did first was NOT let the depression ruin my life. I have alot to live for including my son. Being there for him, with a positive attitude, laughing as much as I could ect...has helped us both so much. I found at first, when this happened, I was so down, cried all the time, and this gave him no hope and me either. I started to focus on the happy times and times to come in the future. Hes been gone now for alittle over 5yrs and of course my heart still hurts and I miss him so, but I feel good and I know this time he has been gone has done both of us a world of good. I think we both have grown and learned alot about ourselves. It has made us both better people, and realize that we have so much in life ahead of us to live for. So please, turn that depression into something positive. It will make you and everyone else a much happy person. Use this time apart to do soul searching and find yourself again, life will be good. Hang in there, take care.
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I love your name. The idea of having no power in this situation is something I have 'tried' to change for the past 3+ years. I'm legal guardian for my mentally handicapped brother, POA for my mother so I've been responsibility of taking care of others for a long time. As I began to get worn out, a very very wise EAP counselor gave me the gift of some good advice that is listed below. It's called turning over to God. Here are those words of wisdom that I reach for whenever I find myself weary in mind, body and soul. God's Peace to everyone! Nancy
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When in sorrow, call John 14.
When men fail you, call Psalm 27.
If you want to be fruitful, call John 15.
When you have sinned, call Psalm 51.
When you worry, call Matthew 6:19-34.
When you are in danger, call Psalm 91.
When God seems far away, call Psalm 139.
When your faith needs stirring, call Hebrews 11.
When you are lonely and fearful, call Psalm 23.
When you grow bitter and critical, call I Corinthians 13.
For Paul’s secret to happiness, call Colossians 3:12-17.
For understanding of Christianity, call II Corinthians 5:15-19.
When you feel down and out, call Romans 8:31.
When you want peace and rest, call Matthew 11:25-30.
When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalms 90.
When you want Christian assurance, call Roman 8:1-30.
When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121.
When your prayers grow narrow and selfish, call Psalm 67.
For a great invention or opportunity, call Isaiah 55.
When you want courage for a task, Joshua 1.
For how to get along with fellow men, call Romans 12.
When you think of investments or returns, call Mark 10.
If you are depressed, call Psalm 27.
If your pocketbook is empty, call Psalm 37.
If you are losing confidence in people, call I Corinthians 13.
If people seem unkind, call John 15.
If discouraged about your work, call Psalm 126.
If you find the world growing small and yourself great, call Psalm 19.
For dealing with fear, call Psalm 34:7.
For security, call Psalm 121:3.
For assurance, call Mark 8:35
For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18.
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