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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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Old 09-27-2009, 11:37 AM
Jillian Jillian is offline
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Default How to Survive a Prison Relationship

Many of us come here looking for support and others who are going thru if not the same thing but something similar. We all start off with the same questions how are we going to make it with him being gone. We all realize that it doesn't matter if our loved one is gone for a few months, a few years, to life we all have to deal with separation anxiety. We all have to deal with a loved one being ripped out of our daily lives, aind being placed in a strange and scary place.

I thought we should have a thread that can help all those who have questions about how to survive a prison relationship. Share what helps you get thru your days while your loved has been gone.

One thing we all have to remember is that communication and honesty is the key.

Looking forward to what everyone else will add to this!
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Old 09-27-2009, 11:52 AM
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tee.dot.q tee.dot.q is offline
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Great thread E!

Patience is not just a virtue but a neccessity in a prison relationship. Patience with the person incarcerated, patience with the DOC/BOP, and patience with the people around you who may or may not understand... I never knew I had the ability to be patient until I had a relationship with a man doing time!

Oy vey.
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  #3  
Old 09-27-2009, 11:57 AM
Tina Tina is offline
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I try to focus on my daily life here with my kids. I look forward to the times when I know that William will call me, or when I know I have mail coming. I use each of those letters and phone calls to get me through till the next. Taking things one day at a time (or even less at a time if necessary helps too. I'm honest with him about how I feel or what I may be going through and I try to encourage him to do the same, even if he thinks it will put to much strain on me. I tell him that even if it does make things difficult it doesn't matter. Whatever it is we can get through it together. Also I try to find ways for us to work together as much as possible, weather it's making decisions, or each of us doing what we can to accomplish a common goal.
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Old 09-27-2009, 11:57 AM
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How I survive this prison sentance...

I hate to sound selfish, because I am far from that, because my fiancee gets everything and anything he ever needs, if anything I probably do too much! However I use this time my man is away to focus on myself and my goals that I want to achieve.
I don't let myself get deprseed or feel sorry for myself because there are far more worse case scenarios out there. I stay focused on my career, my personal goals, as well as focusing on our long term goals like saving money for our new house we want to buy. I use this time to make myself a better person so god forbid, even if this relationship doesn't last forever (which i don't even want to think about, however I am realistic), I can't say I wasted six years of my life "waiting" for him. I like to remain positive because this not only keeps my fiancee's spririts up but its healthier for our relationship as well.
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  #5  
Old 09-27-2009, 12:01 PM
BlueEyedEllie BlueEyedEllie is offline
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take each day as it comes.
pray hard.
show your love on the good AND the very bad days.
BE PATIENT. i'm still learning patience with myself AND him.
don't neglect writing your loved one,they live for mail call!!!
don't be guilted into sending money if you don't have it or don't want to send it.
love your man dearly but don't be afraid to speak up if he's acting or speaking disrespectfully to you. coddling helps no one.
above all else always hold onto hope because without hope you have nothing.
encourage and believe in your man.don't be afraid to tell him how proud you are of him.even the toughest men love that(though they may not show it)
this is an EXCELLENT thread and i look forward to reading other responses.
  #6  
Old 09-27-2009, 12:04 PM
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Yes, definitely a good thread...

I have to second tee.dot - patience is crucial. I have never been a patient person but kicking and screaming, I have been dragged into learning some patience. Not as much as I should have but it's better than I used to be. (grin)

I think the biggie for us is staying in contact. Silence between you and your man starts to mess with the mind. You worry that something's happened to them, they're hurt, they're sick, they need you... They worry the same about you and maybe that you've given up on them and walked away. These relationships are definitely anxiety filled, even when you're in the best of "spots" in your relationship.

My baby and I write constantly, even if we don't have much to say, and are on the phone whenever possible. He told me once when I had gotten so buried with work, 18 hour days for a week or two and he didn't have phone privileges at the time; Baby, I know you're buried and stressed and tired and I hate to sound like a selfish child but I worry about you and the family so much when I don't hear from you. Even if you just take a piece of paper and write I'm okay and I love you and drop it in an envelope, it really would mean so much to me.

As much as we worry out here, I think they worry even more because they have so little control over their lives. That's been a big one for us. And communication is huge, as well. Not just staying in touch but sharing feelings, thoughts, emotions, fears, angers, happiness, et cetera. Very few of us read minds...(smile)
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  #7  
Old 09-27-2009, 12:06 PM
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Whatever you do, dont overeact or overanalyse the situation if he doesnt call you as planned!

One thing I've learnt is to expect the unexpected and they can go into lockdown at any moment. So try not to overthink everything and if you have to call the prison to find out whats going on.. then so be it!

P.S. Great thread
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  #8  
Old 09-27-2009, 12:07 PM
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I agree 100%. I posted a thread earlier about feeling more down and depressed than usual about my fiance being gone. It bothers me so badly that it literally hurts! I never been apart from him this long and its bad enough that he thinks that I may abandon him while he's locked up since this entire situation is all new to me. I never did a bid with anyone and never thought that I would have to. I love him so much. He has treated me better than any man i've been with. I get so upset sometimes becuz I think back about all the men that has cheated on me, direspected me, and has damaged me emotionally so bad, and when someone finally comes around that sweeps me off my feet, treats me like I deserve, takes time to listen to me, and brought back the happiness that those idoits took from me in the past, he's taken away from me and I cant do anything about it but wait......man this waiting period is so painful....By God's grace I will remain by the love of my life. God I have no strength of my own, pls help me........
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  #9  
Old 09-27-2009, 12:46 PM
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the hardest part for me was the best part and that was putting my faith in God and believing. faith is nothing without action. the next thing is to remember your life did not stop it did not end and that you have a purpose just as everyone else in the world does. breath and focus take life one second at a time then grow to one minute then one hour then one day then a week at a time. pray all the time. love your man but remember HE is the only one that chose to commit the crime that landed him a stay in the iron hotel and it is HE that needs to learn. have open communications but dont become an enabler. love him but remember he has got to learn to love his self and you as well our men were selfish and they did what they did without consideration to us and what our life would be like while they were away. they have to learn to think like a team player and so do you.

i HATED this every time someone said it to me in the beginning but as time passed i learned they were right. TIME DOES PASS QUICKLY it WILL NOT seem that way at first but once you learn to live again you will see that it really is a true statement.

turn him over to God and let God work on him God is in the business of saving lives and he can and will fix him if you believe and your man has a sincere need and want to change.

cry hard and long anytime you want to its not weakness it is healing.
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:24 PM
PTO-189145 PTO-189145 is offline
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Originally Posted by e_wife03 View Post
Many of us come here looking for support and others who are going thru if not the same thing but something similar. We all start off with the same questions how are we going to make it with him being gone. We all realize that it doesn't matter if our loved one is gone for a few months, a few years, to life we all have to deal with separation anxiety. We all have to deal with a loved one being ripped out of our daily lives, aind being placed in a strange and scary place.

I thought we should have a thread that can help all those who have questions about how to survive a prison relationship. Share what helps you get thru your days while your loved has been gone.

One thing we all have to remember is that communication and honesty is the key.

Looking forward to what everyone else will add to this!
Great Post

What helps my days and my relationship:

* I write...and i write A LOT...atleast once a day...sometimes more.. we dont talk on the phone so..our letters are pretty much our only source of communication. It keeps us strong.

* I learned to be understanding of his feelings as well as mine. Communication is key. We do a lot of discussing..and compromising..

* I've learned to hold my head high despite peoples negativity. I handle it gracefully and I hold it together (For both me AND my boo).

* I visit as much as I can...(which is only about once a month) That helps a lot.

* I remember that this DOES NOT DEFINE HIM. I realize that he is so much more than this...this is only temporary..while our love is forever.

* Communication and honest ARE the answer...and trust. Without trust there is nothing

* I send a lot of creative things in the mail to him...he says the guys call me the "model girlfriend"

* I take it day by day...instead of lookin at it in whole...I've made it this far..and i KNOW i can do this.

* I come on PTO. It helps more than you can possibly imagine... These women are so strong willed and driven. Driven by the same thing I am..... LOVE. And if they can do it....so can i


great thread!!!!!!!!!!!
  #11  
Old 09-27-2009, 01:42 PM
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Mrs.B_3608 Mrs.B_3608 is offline
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i write him every day anytime i think about him and have free time, i re read his letters and have his pictures everywhere, this website deffinately helps a lot by talking to ppl that are going through this also.
but tell him everything thats going on and also i help him out as much as possible.
once i get visitation i will be visiting him as much as possible.
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  #12  
Old 09-27-2009, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by rodeointx View Post
the hardest part for me was the best part and that was putting my faith in God and believing. faith is nothing without action. the next thing is to remember your life did not stop it did not end and that you have a purpose just as everyone else in the world does. breath and focus take life one second at a time then grow to one minute then one hour then one day then a week at a time. pray all the time. love your man but remember HE is the only one that chose to commit the crime that landed him a stay in the iron hotel and it is HE that needs to learn. have open communications but dont become an enabler. love him but remember he has got to learn to love his self and you as well our men were selfish and they did what they did without consideration to us and what our life would be like while they were away. they have to learn to think like a team player and so do you.

i HATED this every time someone said it to me in the beginning but as time passed i learned they were right. TIME DOES PASS QUICKLY it WILL NOT seem that way at first but once you learn to live again you will see that it really is a true statement.

turn him over to God and let God work on him God is in the business of saving lives and he can and will fix him if you believe and your man has a sincere need and want to change.

cry hard and long anytime you want to its not weakness it is healing.

Thank you for your kind words, it means so much. An sometimes Im tired of crying, hurting, but its part of the healing process. thanks once again
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  #13  
Old 09-27-2009, 01:49 PM
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I have had to not let myself worry about things I cannot change. It was hard at first, but I've had to put it in God's hands and let him deal with it. I usually can't let go that easy but I did with this, I think because I had to or it would have made me lose it. I was in the hospital, 4 months pregnant when he went in, two months earlier I had a life-threatening blood clot that left me with limited use of my left arm. When I got out of the hospital, I had to get my car out of impound (thanks to his arrest), I was in the process of moving with all my health problems and I just had to let it go. I also have not babied him through this bid. I send very little money (enough to keep him in stamps), I just last month set up a phone account to talk to him (he's been locked up since May 08) and let him be a big boy and handle his bid on his own. I have written all along and let him know I love him and when the baby was born last October (by c-section, all alone) I made sure and had all the paperwork done so his son has his name and have sent pictures every week. I have taken the baby to see him 4 times, but pretty much I had to handle my business out here and I let him handle his business in there. I just had to back off and let him be a big boy. Even though I would occasionally look on PTO I never did join until last month cause I had to in some way distance myself from constantly thinking about his incarceration. I guess I'm allowing myself to get closer now because he is coming home soon. He graduates from the RSAT program Nov 5 and could be coming home the next week. If they don't release him then, his tpm is January 1, 2010, so we are either around 40 days from homecoming or around 100. Most of this time I've dealt with it by not dealing with it. It was hard having a baby alone but I decided that I wanted to enjoy everything about my son being born and not let myself be sad and depressed about it and I have, he is such a little darling.
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  #14  
Old 09-27-2009, 01:51 PM
MzBlaque MzBlaque is offline
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Originally Posted by Gfabolous View Post
I agree 100%. I posted a thread earlier about feeling more down and depressed than usual about my fiance being gone. It bothers me so badly that it literally hurts! I never been apart from him this long and its bad enough that he thinks that I may abandon him while he's locked up since this entire situation is all new to me. I never did a bid with anyone and never thought that I would have to. I love him so much. He has treated me better than any man i've been with. I get so upset sometimes becuz I think back about all the men that has cheated on me, direspected me, and has damaged me emotionally so bad, and when someone finally comes around that sweeps me off my feet, treats me like I deserve, takes time to listen to me, and brought back the happiness that those idoits took from me in the past, he's taken away from me and I cant do anything about it but wait......man this waiting period is so painful....By God's grace I will remain by the love of my life. God I have no strength of my own, pls help me........
God will give you the desires of your heart.....Believe in Him......pray constantly...Thessaloninas 5:17
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Last edited by MzBlaque; 09-27-2009 at 02:04 PM..
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  #15  
Old 09-27-2009, 02:02 PM
MzBlaque MzBlaque is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rodeointx View Post
the hardest part for me was the best part and that was putting my faith in God and believing. faith is nothing without action. the next thing is to remember your life did not stop it did not end and that you have a purpose just as everyone else in the world does. breath and focus take life one second at a time then grow to one minute then one hour then one day then a week at a time. pray all the time. love your man but remember HE is the only one that chose to commit the crime that landed him a stay in the iron hotel and it is HE that needs to learn. have open communications but dont become an enabler. love him but remember he has got to learn to love his self and you as well our men were selfish and they did what they did without consideration to us and what our life would be like while they were away. they have to learn to think like a team player and so do you.

i HATED this every time someone said it to me in the beginning but as time passed i learned they were right. TIME DOES PASS QUICKLY it WILL NOT seem that way at first but once you learn to live again you will see that it really is a true statement.

turn him over to God and let God work on him God is in the business of saving lives and he can and will fix him if you believe and your man has a sincere need and want to change.

cry hard and long anytime you want to its not weakness it is healing.

I agree with all that you have said......At first I was in my 'feelings' all the time. I questioned my sanity for a minute. I soon realized that he was the one that put 'himself' there. He chose to make the wrong choices~they landed him in prison. I turned the entire situation to God....even by me being a strong lover of God, I began to rely on Him even more. The tears stopped, the smiles came back. This doesn't mean that I don't miss him nor does it mean that I don't want him at home.....I just want him in the state that God has destined him to be. I am glad that I can say my Honey has found God and with that alone I know that he will be a better person when he comes back to me. I write my Honey all the time, he calls as much as he can, he writes all the time and we email back and forth......all of this helps US to cope. PRAYing is what I do best......HUGZ!!!!!
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:45 PM
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Hisoneandonly Hisoneandonly is offline
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*I probably sound like an AA ad, but the one day at a time thing is true...Just take it one day at a time and you will make it.

* I write my husband everyday even ifi it is just "i love you, crazy day" I mail them every other day to save money and I try to send him a bit here and there when I can

* Plan our phone calls and visit (though that will be changing once he goess into the DOC) but we make sure we have a set time to call so I kn to be home and waiting, so he doesn't worry if I don't answer and I don't freak out b/c I missed his call.

* Stock up on paper envelopes and pens during th back to school sales :P

* If you read sometihing intresting funny or cute on line or in a mag or paper, make copy or print it and send it to them along with everyday pics so they can feel like they are still part of your life.

* Most of mine have to deal with communication like the other ladies said communication is the biggest thing here, and respect and trust (it has to go both ways).

*And lastly I stay crazy busy with my life, I havne't and can't just stop living b/c hubby is gone, I work go to school (which I started back after he got his sentence), clean house and take care of our gtwo girls.

* and keep in touch with PTO this place has saved my santiy a million times.
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I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:52 PM
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You ladies who write your man every day and visit him often and talk to him on the phone, you are something special. When I was in prison, I didn't see many guys at all who were lucky enough to have women like you ladies. You know your guys are the envy of the other inmates
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  #18  
Old 09-27-2009, 08:41 PM
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PEN PAL 2 FEW PEN PAL 2 FEW is offline
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It's all about patience, trust me, even the days I felt like I can't do this anymore, it is about strength, never knew I could be this strong, Communication is the number one key, from both sides, and unconditional love as well
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  #19  
Old 09-27-2009, 08:51 PM
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t'slovingwife t'slovingwife is offline
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WOW--this is a great thread...
This is my opinion...
Talk--communicate--be honest
Learn how to deal with all kinds of injustices
Stand by his side
Always demonstrate respect
Be able to argue without going below the belt
Remember that while you have a life--he really doesn't and this can be overwhelming
Be patient
Be thankful for the little things
Make small moments count
Use the time to get to know each other better
Take time to do things for you and your mental health
Never stop saying I Love You
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  #20  
Old 09-27-2009, 09:07 PM
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afirsttimer afirsttimer is offline
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Everyone has talked about communication so I won't touch that but it is the most important thing in the world. We write eachother every single day. I take pictures and put them in the letters so he can see what I'm talking about like when I got a new cell phone or when I had to buy a bday card for his brother, I took the picture like he was looking at it too. I go to see him every single time he can have visits. We can't talk on the phone so all we have is letters and visits. He mainlined to a prison that is on a 16 month and counting lockdown. We were hoping we would have calls bc he was in reception for 285 days.............Now I can't even visit anymore. Let's see, when he was in the county I visited every visiting day and we set up times for him to call. I write to him about my day as if he is there. He makes me laugh bc he would tell me all the guys would try to mess with him when it was his writing time and how their tripping bc they know what time he writes me............he's funny. Well, I guess this was about communication lol!!!! oh, and honesty too............
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  #21  
Old 09-27-2009, 09:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HisHeart31 View Post
How I survive this prison sentance...
I use this time to make myself a better person so god forbid, even if this relationship doesn't last forever (which i don't even want to think about, however I am realistic), I can't say I wasted six years of my life "waiting" for him. I like to remain positive because this not only keeps my fiancee's spririts up but its healthier for our relationship as well.
I like the way you put that. So many people are quick to say that I'm wasting my time, but I don't see it that way. I'm not sitting in the house everyday just waiting and waiting- I try to focus on the things that will alternately make me better whether we're together at the end of the day or not. I refuse to have anyone say "i told you so".
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  #22  
Old 09-27-2009, 09:20 PM
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I suppose I am the odd gal out here.... we are 2 years into this and I have still not learned how to cope without him. I am like a bird without wings! I read these posts and try so hard to be like you stronger ladies, but I am not there yet. Every morning that I get up without him, I feel lost and empty.

I do write every day! When I have not so much to say I send a card that seems to say it all. I have learned how to LISTEN. We always talked and communicated, and did very little arguing, but my listening skills are better. There is so little time for visits or phone.

I try to let him talk. I have this site, my friends, my family. He has no one.

The visits are not for me. They are for him. If they were for me, we would be going to dinner, taking in shows, shopping and just having fun. These visits are for his sake and for that reason, I have never missed one except for those that the BOP took from us.

I have faked smiles for him, I have laughed when I didn't want to because he needed that, and I have cried when I just couldn't help it anymore.

I have learned to overlook the stupid stuff......... the stuff that he does in prison for reasons that I might never understand, yet I know the behavior is not the real him. I just let it slide.

I have learned that he is trying to cope with unfamiliar and unkind territory. The first 2 years of SHU were the worst! I have learned just how awful the system can be toward a human being.

And I have learned that just when you think it's over, and you have a ticker, it might not really be over! Someone else is controlling your life which for me is new and very unpleasant. I have been on my own since I was a teenager and really resent that people who do not even know me are in control of me!!!
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  #23  
Old 09-27-2009, 09:22 PM
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TonysGrl TonysGrl is offline
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Default Need to be strong

My boyfriend is being sentenced on 10/6. He is taking a 6 flat, but has almost 34 months in on the island (Riker's). I am not sure how I am going to get through AT LEAST another 2 years. I write to him everyday, visit 3 times a week and speak to him daily. That is all about to change and the anxiety is suffocating. He keeps telling my how the time is going to fly and it'll be easier for us to have him up top. Although I just wish whatever the case is going to be that it would just be over with already and he just come home. I don't know what to expect. There have been times during his time on the island that he's "checked" out with the calls or writing because of things that go on and he gets overwhelmed, and instead of taking it out on me or his parents, he just retreats into his cell. That will crush me - we don't know how far up he'll end up after reception so all of these uncertainities are causing so much stress and anxiety. I don't cry on visits or phone calls - I remain strong, the rock that he needs but I am so tightly wound I am ready to snap. D-Day is quickly approaching and I've been told that onces he's sentenced it's usually within a week that he gets sent upstate. I am dreading this!
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  #24  
Old 09-27-2009, 09:30 PM
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Wow! I am new to all this and this was great. My honey has 2 years and I am scared and don't know how I am going to handle it. we have been able to visit once a week now for about a month and we write all the time. everyday!!! We don't get to talk during the week. He does not have phones at night only during the day when I am at work.

I appreciate PTO so much it has helped get rid of some of my anxiety.
I want to thank everyone who posted on this thread it gave me some good ideas to help me make it easy on him and myself..

Any advice to get through this is welcomed...
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  #25  
Old 09-27-2009, 10:06 PM
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Ms.Grouch Ms.Grouch is offline
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I WANT TO SAY A FEW INCOURAGING WORDS BUT RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE YOU ALL HAVE MADE ME REMEMBER WHY I'M HERE. I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 4 YRS NOW AND STILL GOT 2 AND SOME CHANGE LEFT. FOR A WHILE IT GOT EASY BUT LATELY I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH A LOT OLD DEMONS IN MY LIFE, FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIP. JUST CRAZY STUFF AND I KNOW THAT ANY TIME THINGS GET CRAZY I CAN COME HERE (PTO) THAT IT HELPS. i LOVE MY HUSBAND MORE THAN ANYTHING (OK NOT ANYTHING ) BUT I DO LOVE HIM. AT THE MOMENT I FEEL LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BE IN MY LIFE BUT PTO AND ALL YOU WONDERFUL LADIES HAVE MADE ME REMEMBER THANKS A BUNCH.
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