Hi everyone. I want to first say that I applaud everyone in this particular forum for being so brave to tell your stories, and to also seek help when you feel you need it. I wish my hunnie would have done that. Also, I am very happy to read about the success stories, it gives me so much hope.
My fiance is an alsoholic and recently got arrested. He has been in county for three weeks awaiting trial for several charges. It is VERY likely that he will be sent to a 6 month rehabilitation facility straight from the trial. He is ready for the treatment and wants it. He actually hit his rock bottom as he siraled down for 6 weeks straight. I was wondering a few things like what can I expect? I do not mean to sound niave or selfish, but how does this work with the male and female rooming? Do the patients generally get together while in treatment? I know that he will be dedicated to getting well but are they men and women allowed to congregate together? 6 months is a long time and it's not like when they are in jail, where it is all men. You jusst hear these stories about people meeting in rehab. I know, I sound selfish and there are a lot of other things I can be worried about (which, believe me, I am)...I figured I would get some good responses here.
Thanks for the read!!!
I apologize if I have managed to insult anyone in here, it was not my intention!!
I was wondering a few things like what can I expect? That he will be too busy getting into his program to spend a lot of time with you. Each facility is different you have to find out which one he'll go to and ask their rules - usually they have to be in by 10 pm and the go to a lot of meetings. None of which really affects you.
I do not mean to sound niave or selfish, but how does this work with the male and female rooming? Men usually live with men and women with women. I have only been to one co-ed facility but we still lived in seperate rooms.
Do the patients generally get together while in treatment? Yes, often they do - for a few reasons but one of which is they have treatment in common and the other they just don't want to work on theirselves it is much easier to "crush" on someone else in order to stop looking at themselves.
I know that he will be dedicated to getting well but are they men and women allowed to congregate together? They most definitely will congregate together at AA/NA/CA meetings
Girl if it is that shakey or you are this insecure you really need to look into getting yourself some "help", counseling, maybe Alanon something to help you work on you because a insecure women is never attractive to anyone.
All programs are different. Some are for men only. Some are for men and women but they live in different buildings on the same property so they attend the same meetings.
Either way, they usually abide by strict schedules (I.E. meetings, groups, classes all day, etc). In my experience with lots of these programs, the residents have to "earn" priveleges to leave the facility on weekends. For example: at one facility my guy was at, for the first month he could only leave on Saturday's and Sundays from 1:00 - 6:00 and he had to stay IN TOWN, which was hours away from our home (so obviousoly he didn't come home).
The second month, he was allowed to leave from 7:00 am-10:00 PM on Saturdays and 10:00 am - 6:00 PM on Sundays (so, then he could come home for the day). The third month he was allowed to have an "overnight" at home for the weekend if all the criteria were met - but it was really strict.
Each program is different, though.
I don't want to scare you but to be honest, my man's girlfriend came out of a program PREGNANT with some guy's baby (she is now, obviously, his Ex). At the time, my man was at home taking care of the 2 children they shared together and he was trying to help her get clean (they'd been together 11 years!). His story is on the extreme side and I haven't heard of many others that drastic but the point is, it DOES happen. If they want to hook up, they'll find a way. You have to decide if you trust your man.
I've been with my baby for 3 years and he's been in 2 programs already and he's going into another one next week. I've NEVER worried about him getting together with anyone else. I trust him completely and, through thick and thin we've never left each other's side so I'm not worried about this upcoming stint either. I'm mostly hopeful that he'll finally get the help he truly needs and that he'll do all the hard work that true recovery is going to take.
If you want him to succeed, be prepared to support him in any way you can (without enabling him, of course). If he says he doesn't want to call you/see you one night because he wants to go to a meeting, ENCOURAGE him to do whatever he needs to do to stay clean. You will end up making a lot of sacrifices for the sake of his recovery (ie: he won't always be available when you need him for support, he may not be able to spend much time with you, he probably won't contribute to your household financially because they usually don't have the opportunity to work while in treatment, etc.)
Prepare yourself. But be optimistic too! Just think how wonderful life will be for the 2 of you when he's done and your man is clean and sober!
I thank you both for your insight. I definitely trust my finacee and my query was not about my insecurities, though I do seem how I eluded they were. This whole thing is a first for me in that I have never been with a man with such problems that got him arrested, facing prison, needing real help, etc. I realized how my questions were, and also why I apologized. I was just being honest and asking what some women probably have conerns over. My first priority is to get him clean, and keep him that way...and help in along the way in any way that I can. We are engaged and we both trust each other explicitly. His program will be in an intense all male correctional type of facility and he will have 24/7 treatment. I fully expect to not be able to visit him for 30-60 days and I am ok with that. I need for him to get well before he can even focus on anything else. I am in this for the long haul, as is he.
Thank you so very much for your responses and it did take a lot fo rme to come on here and ask such lame questions, but I just wanted to know.
I know that when I went into rehab, they woke us up at 430am, we had to shower and do our chores. By 6am we had our breakfast and meds. The rest of the day was groups and meetings. We had a lunch break and smoke breaks but we were kept very busy until late everynight. Lights out at 10pm. On the weekends it was more relaxed, but if a person is really ready for recovery they wont waste their time on a rehab romance. I liked the program that I was in. It led me to where I am now, I am sober and living a life I never imagined possible for me.
Wow, great feedback!
I also sensed you are VERY concerned about his involvement with females.
You also mentioned "your priorities" of him getting sober and staying sober.
No one can get anyone sober or get them high...
he has to do this for himself, not for you or any other reason or it simply wont work.
Going to AlAnon will benefit you immensly.
Good luck, and keep us posted,ok?
Yes, the feedback is great and I thank you all very much. I feel as though I did not properly convey my concerns and perhaps did not use the proper verbiage in my posts. I know that his rehabilitation is up to him and him alone. I just meant that I am here to support him. He was facing 5 years in prison and is being sent to a DOC treatment facility. He is not looking at this as a break but as an opportunity to get the help he has needed for a very long time and will be able to focus on what he needs to do to get well and learn how to stay well.