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Domestic Violence Q & A What is domestic violence? If someone is being abused what can you do to help? Q&A regarding domestic violence issues go here.

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  #1  
Old 05-22-2009, 10:45 PM
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Unhappy How to get an Order of Protection Removed?


After 26 year of marriage and living with my alcoholic husband who has always been a pleasant sort of goofy drunk, he finally signed up for a program. About a week before his therapy was to begin I came home to find him drunk. Out of the blue he just smacked me on the back of the head. I had told him that if he ever struck me I would call 911. When I was trying to do so he snatched the cordless phone from my hands. I'd managed to yell out our address before the battery of the phone fell out. Unsure whether my call had gone through I ran to the corded phone in another room. It got dragged across the floor we got tangled up in the cord, he had me pinned to the floor & I was screaming "Help - my husband is attacking me." BAM. The call had gotten through and the cops were banging on our door. I was terribly shaken and really freaked out. As the woman officer talked to me just inside the apartment door I heard one of the male officers say to my husband, "We're gonna take you down to OUR house until you sober up". They very hurriedly told me to come with another officer to the precinct. Then from there they whisked me to the DA's office. Where I feel I was coerced by an ADA and the female officer. 1st they wanted me to sign papers pertaining to a felony. I started crying and said that I couldn't do that. They just kept saying over & over how he could have killed me. I did sign some sort of form "State of NY, Domestic Violence, Family Offense" form. I vaguely remember the ADA mentioning an Order of Protection - when I asked for an explanation I was told that it was for MY protection and that I could have it removed. The next day when I called the DA's office to find out what was going on I was told that either that day or the next an ADA would be assigned to me and I could have the Order of Protection removed then. Lied to about just keeping him until he was sober, lied to about me being able to lift the Order of Protection (twice) and then to top it off I received a letter from the assigned ADA stating that "with out my assistance in the case, the Order of Protection would be dropped as would the case. THEN when I met with her - showed her the letter with her signature, told her I would not be cooperating and wanted my husband to come home she told me, "That's not what that means"..... Lies, Lies, Lies ..... How can I get this to end??
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Old 05-23-2009, 06:54 AM
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I'm only going to be able to guess, because once I had a protective order I didn't want it removed . . . but I also want to add that you have lived with an alcoholic who has suddenly become violent, but you want him home - do you think anything has changed that would keep you from getting hurt again?

Not likely, and that's why it's hard to remove POs.

Until each of you has gone through a bit of counseling, I would suspect that no-one will be interested in either your protestations of having been lied to or your husband's presumed "OMG I'm so sorry, it'll never happen again", because they've heard all that before, but it rarely is true. And the usual result of listening and believing is that the police would have to be at your house yet again, usually having to deal with worse injuries than the first time.

So take a little time, get a little therapy, and then you might be able to get the order modified.
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Old 05-23-2009, 10:48 AM
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Nim is, as usual, quite correct... As frustrating and frightening as all of this is, it really is for your protection.... and you do need protection. You were assaulted in your home by someone who, previously, could not be ordered out of the home and the authorities have seen too many situations that escalated wildly out of control- Domestic Violence is a statistically significant cause of death for women in this country- a leading cause of death for some groups.
I prefer over-reaction on the part of law enforcement to the underreaction that used to be the norm in DV matters.
Assuming that you've given the facts accurately, I think I'd like to see your husband get a thorough examination by a good doctor- abrupt changes in behavior can sometimes be the symptom of a physical or neurological problem and if he really was a cheerful, goofy drunk all those years, I'm concerned about what might have caused such a change.... but IF this marriage is salvageable, you must both take steps to ensure that it can return to being violence free, you cannot just go on as though this ugly set of events did not take place or pretending that hope alone can prevent another incident..... and do urge your husband's lawyer to urge him to see a good physician.
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Old 07-09-2009, 04:00 PM
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Let me prefice what i'm about to say with, i realize that my opinion on the removal of a protective order is in the minority on this board. But your situation sounds very similar to mine. They threw statistics and fear at me when I was already in a shocked state of mind. His violence toward me was totally out of character and it was the first, last, and only time my ex ever did what he did but unfortunately in my situation it was so severe that the damage was done. In the state of California the state presses charges, not the victim, which prevents the manipulator form manipulating the victim into dropping the charges then getting killed by the man, which used to happen all the time. Lied to..... I'm going through something similar but in Los Angeles. In California i've been advised, through internet research, seeing as how few people want to help me with this, to file form cr165 with the court. Maybe there is a similar form in NY. I also messaged a woman who is going through something similar out here and had success in getting it lifted. She had to talk to the DA, the Prosecutor, & the Judge in her man's case just to get the protective order lifted to visit him in jail. To include with my cr165 form, that I have to go down to the court house to file, I've also written a statement to attach about how, after counseling and months to process, I no longer feel he is a threat, he has absolutely taken responsibility for his actions and is getting help for his issues, and has not once violated the restraining order. I was totally coerced into getting the 3 year permanent restraining order by the DV people, the police, the prosecutor, and the victims rights advocate (who btw was an awful abusive lady herself) However, in my case the temporary emergency protective order was necessary and enough, at the time, I did fear for my life, my incident resulted in PTSD which I have gotten counseling for. He did plead guilty and is getting help, as he knows he is wrong and totally f-ed up his life. Now, after much counseling and DV programs I am in a rational state of mind and I want the order off. While personally i will never be his girlfriend again, he is my friend, and we have been thought a lot as both lovers and best friends, the lover/significant other part he forfitted when he did what he did, but, we all make mistakes, and as my friend, I would like the right to be there for him and his family in case of emergency. He does have serious heath problems and I would hate to have to stay away should he go back to the hospital for his health issues and then die. This is a really real possibility. Fingers crossed I am able to get it lifted. In my opinion they really need to amend the law to add a shorter protective order giving people the option of a 3 month protective order with the option to either renew it for a longer term when it gets close to the 3 months to be done or not renew it. Check out forms to file in NY and write a letter to the judge in your husbands case about your situation to attach with the form. Be sure to include the restraining order number etc. Go to the court house where he was convicted and talk to a clerk about where to go and who to file it with. The charges can't be dropped as they are levied by the State of NY but the order can, it just takes a lot of work on your part. I have to agree that counseling on both your parts is something to look into as well. Good luck.
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:25 PM
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I am baffled every time I see a post such as this. Years ago, when I went through this, the laws were quite different and basically a man could beat his wife or girlfriend, put her in the hospital,whatever, and it was all just no big deal. Now there are laws in place to protect women and so many would prefer not to be protected! WHY?

What do you hope to gain by having no protection against a man who has already committed a violent act toward you? Can you please educate me?

Because maybe I am a bit nuts, but when my ex pulled a gun on me and told me that I would never see my son again if I did not do exactly as he said.......... I would have paid money for protection. I would have done anything to prevent my 2 year old from watching his mother get pummeled by his daddy. I would have done anything other than sleep in the car because I was terrified he would show up again and knife me or his son instead of the screens!

I begged cops to stop him. Back then they told me not to "antagonize him". I was told not to let him get too out of control because I was a 20 minute ETA and could bleed to death while they were on the way to the house. I was told to always remember his rights too when it came to our son and the house that we jointly owned. I was actually told by police that if he wanted to ruin his 50% of the property, it was his right!

26 police reports AFTER and order for protection in less than one year, and nothing was done. Broken ribs, broken jaw, poisoned dog, screaming baby and no one would help! He Jammed my head into the fireplace while my son was sitting there and as he did so he promised to kill me on the spot, and at that moment, I was literally praying for a cop!

He also called me at work, told me he was coming in by helicopter and would shoot me on the helipad in front of my co-workers and the patient..... I called the cops and they came and waited for him to "act up" in front of them. Since he did not, he flew back to his house of horrors and left me with panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, and a shaking in my hands that lasted for years!

So please explain to me what you will gain by removing the protection? I am not being a wise-A$$. I am truly trying to understand.

Will you also sign a waiver that if he does in fact kill you that none of your relatives can sue? Because in my mind, if you insist on no protection, then the police have the right to also be protected from a law suit when he kills you.

Like I said, I am truly trying to see the up side to such a decision!
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  #6  
Old 09-30-2009, 09:43 PM
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only1love I couldn't agree with you more. Your post was inspirational. I don't understand why people get protection from abuse orders, and then want to have them removed. It's like they don't want to be protected.
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Old 11-04-2010, 02:46 PM
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Default I was also lied to..

I was a victim of domestic violence in July in the state of NY. It was the first time my bf laid his hands on me, he got sent to jail, the next day the judge ordered an order or protection. The next week after it happened the DA called me to hear what happened and I immediately told her I didn't want the order or protection and she said she would modify it come October/November after he does some anger mngt classes. Now the final court date is coming up in a couple weeks and she is saying she is not changing it. She completely lied to me. any advice on what I can do or what has worked in NY before? Please help!
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Old 11-04-2010, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by alsoLiedto View Post
I was a victim of domestic violence in July in the state of NY. It was the first time my bf laid his hands on me, he got sent to jail, the next day the judge ordered an order or protection. The next week after it happened the DA called me to hear what happened and I immediately told her I didn't want the order or protection and she said she would modify it come October/November after he does some anger mngt classes. Now the final court date is coming up in a couple weeks and she is saying she is not changing it. She completely lied to me. any advice on what I can do or what has worked in NY before? Please help!
Sorry im not from NY so cant offer any help! Maybe try the legal help forum some lawyers post there. Good Luck and STAY SAFE!!
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Old 11-14-2010, 06:11 PM
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I can really empathize with you wanting at least some contact. I was the same way the first time a judge issued a No-Contact order after my alcoholic abuser got arrested for beating me. I was extremely intimidated by all the pressure and bullying I felt the police and the court were putting on me instead of wanting to really "help us". I was already scared and confused at the time. They really didn't seem like "the Good Guys" and they terrified me just as much as the abuse did.

The day after my BF was arrested he called from jail after the No Contact order was put into place and told just me to ignore it. Unfortunately, I did and it gave him the "in" he desperately needed convince me he was soooooooo sorry. After listening to him beg and promise to get help, I gave in. I found and paid for a lawyer to fight the charges and remove the No-Contact order so we didn't have to sneak around. I pleaded with the DA to drop the charges and threatened not to cooperate. They turned him loose for lack of evidence, and within 6 months of he did it again only much worse and he almost ended my life.

By giving in and listening to my heart instead of the police, the DA, the Victim's Advocate etc, etc, I gave him all the confidence he needed to think he was ABOVE the law and could treat me anyway he wanted from there on out. I wish I had just toughed it out with the No Contact Order and allowed him to at least learn the hard way to be accountable for his own actions whether he was drunk or not. Even if you think the abuse wasn't so bad you should let him fight his own battles with the court system and hopefully learn a valuable lesson.
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  #10  
Old 11-17-2010, 02:19 AM
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Anytime there is a DV charge they automatically place a PO even if the "victim" does not want to press charges or feel they need it...I too was a "victim" of spousal abuse, my fiance and I got into a domestic disturbance in which I had started getting physical first...We were fighting about my jealousy of his friendship with an exgirlfriend I had been having a problem with and I took it to where it got to...This is no excuse for this man to react the way he did by putting hands on me but if you think about it people react in self defense with out realizing it especially while intoxicated...I was 5 months pregnant at the time, I never called the police but when I went to the hospital to make sure my baby was ok and from their the sheriff's were called as well as DCFS....Since then my life has been a living hell...DCFS made me go into a DV shelter, give up my home, I lost my car and job because of this and now have no place to live with my 3 children...I now know why woman stay quite about the situation's they are in becausse it can open up a can of worms you do not want to open because you can screw yourself in the end...A PO can be removed, modified or lifted but the DA has to request it to be removed... The DA working against my fiance did it for me because I cooperated with him and asked him to please remove it for my children's sake...He is a great father he just has some issues he needs to work on and hopefully while doing his time he will recognize them and work on them to be a better man...He followed my request to have it lifted with the agreement of me testifying against him and by him admitting to what he had done to me in which he did by pleaing no contest to spousal abuse and battery and got a plea bargain for 6 years....the reason he got such a long sentence is basically based on his past record and previous strike and that was the main reason why the DA wanted to teach him a lesson...I feel it is a person's perogative if they want it removed and nobody should question why they feel this way, or judge anyone for them wanting this to be done because eventhough the abuse happened nobody knows exactly what has happened in this person's relationship....Sometimes it's a two way street but automatically they want to assume that every person is a victim....
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Old 11-18-2010, 10:22 AM
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Daddysgurl - it gets to the point that they aren't worried about the victim past, but about the possibilities of victim(s) future.

You dismiss the idea that they were hard on him because of his history, but clearly there's a pretty serious problem there. They don't want it to get even worse! Nor do they want to have the children who are raised in these situations coming before them as the next generation of abusers and victims, which is what tends to happen.

Does it make it easy to raise children as a single parent? Nope. But the one thing that they are guarded from is that behavior that will warp their lives in ways you don't even begin to understand.
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Old 11-18-2010, 09:02 PM
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Daddysgurl, Wow, that does seem like the judge had it out for him. I'm impressed and happy that he agreed to all your conditions, but you may be the exception not the rule.

Please understand I'm not trying to sound mean, or judgmental or anything, but have you ever actually READ the court minutes of his past history? Just saying. When I met my BF, he appeared completely upfront and honest. He confessed he had a past history of DV and told me HIS version of what happened along with expressing considerable remorse. He already had 2 strikes so I looked up the charges online and everything he told me sounded perfectly reasonable. At the time I even agreed with him that his sentence was pretty harsh compared to the charges, but hey, that's Cali for ya.

Fast forward to the present. here I am. According to the court system I'm victim #3, but I have a gut feeling there's dozens more. When I got to read the actual court documents and testimony I was floored to find out my abuser was a stone cold predator long before I met him. Now I'm determined to stop the cycle.

Before all this happened to me I would agree with you 100% that's it's up to each individual couple to decide whether or not to be separated by the court. I would have stood up and recited the Constitution word for word. Now that I've been on the receiving end of feeling completely helpless as a DV victim, I thank God every day that the district attorney took away the responsibility of making me try make the decision whether to stay or go alone. The no-contact order bought me all the time I needed to break his hypnotic grip.

It might be an inconvenience or even a financial hardship to someone , but if it saves someone else's life shouldn't it be worth the trouble?
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Old 12-26-2011, 09:05 AM
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How about when the man is the victim? How about when his wife of 20 years attacks him with a baseball bat in a jealous fit, when he didn't even raise his voice, breaks 2 of his ribs in the process in front of their 3 kids then a judge gives her an order of protection and he can't see his kids for 3 months.
Explain to me how that is protecting the woman!

Justice system? What a joke!!!
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Old 12-26-2011, 11:40 AM
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MaleVictim, I'm very sorry for what was done to you and that the system still so horribly fails male victims.
Obviously, something went quite radically sideways in your case but in the majority of DV cases, the RO is neccessary and appropriate and this forum is not intended as a place for debating the fairness of such orders but for helping victims of domestic/intimate partner abuse find the resources, both in their communities and within themselves, to move forward into healthier, happier, safer lives in which fear and turmoil are not daily realities.
If you click here, you'll find an interesting discussion of domestic abuse by women and the particular challenges that are created by that less common but hideously underreported and downplayed scenario.
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Old 01-01-2012, 01:39 AM
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I was 5 months pregnant at the time, I never called the police but when I went to the hospital to make sure my baby was ok and from their the sheriff's were called as well as DCFS....Since then my life has been a living hell...DCFS made me go into a DV shelter, give up my home, I lost my car and job because of this and now have no place to live with my 3 children...I now know why woman stay quite about the situation's they are in becausse it can open up a can of worms you do not want to open because you can screw yourself in the end...
Do you honestly believe it is because of DCFS that all of this has transpired?
I would have to say after reading your post that these actions were taken because of a past domestic violence altercation involving your husband/boyfriend so the department asked you to remove yourself, unborn child and 3 other children from the situation. A caseworker will listen to your side of the story but the facts remain you were/are 5 months pregnant so whether you put yourself in a situation of him having to protect himself, while you battered on another, then this probably isn't/wasn't a safe place for any of you.
It's real black & white with the department whether an environment is safe or not so maybe after he gets some counseling (and maybe you too) then they will back off and let you go on with your life's as one big/happy family. Domestic violence effects the children involved whether they are still in your stomach or screaming for you to stop. Children see this an believe it is the way life goes and live it themself or get hurt trying to stop it.
DCFS did not create the situation, they put a stop to it even if it was just for a little while.
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Old 05-01-2012, 09:48 AM
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only1love I couldn't agree with you more. Your post was inspirational. I don't understand why people get protection from abuse orders, and then want to have them removed. It's like they don't want to be protected.

Well let's see if I can help, seeing as I am having the same problem as the original poster. Not all abuse is the same, nor are all abusers the same. Some Men are just monsters like only1love and my heart goes out to her, i am very sorry that she had to experience something like that, but what people don't understand is that sometimes abuse comes from other situations. some people don't know how to deal with their world crumbling around them, that doesn't mean that they are monsters. I dated a guy who got mad with me one day and punched a hole in my wall, but never ever raised his hand to me...and then was living with another woman who knew he was madly in love with me and would always point me out with my new bf hoping that would make him want her, and one day he lost his patience with her and hit her.

now i've been in a relationship with my bby's father for almost 3 years, none of which had been abusive. the last 6 months things started going wrong, and long story short he did hit me. I do not excuse his behavior but I do know that it is not him. People may not want to believe that and that is their prerogative, but I know him, his family knows him and he is not an abusive person. I made the mistake of calling the police, and now my life has been turned upside down. I have freaking ACS in my house every two weeks, the courts put a 2 year restraining order, with the hope that things would end if he behaved, he had court today and now the judge has decided to make it permanent for 2 years!!! this is crap! >:O we cannot get counseling if he is banned from being anywhere near me. So i'm sorry if you people cannot understand why some of us want those damned things removed, but when you are lied to about what is going to happen and then your life gets turned upside down because they BELIEVE they are doing you a favor, it really is annoying. I am now trying to find out what I can do, without getting him in more trouble to get this crap to GO AWAY!!!
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Old 05-01-2012, 09:55 AM
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also please does anyone have any information on how i can get this order of protection dropped? it's from the criminal court. We want to be able to get help and we know we still have to go through family court and there will still be some restrictions, I have no problem dealing with ACS and going through the counseling and him through the classes he needs to go through, but we need to have the opportunity to fix our relationship, and if it cannot work then we understand and will move on, but we both know that things just got out of hand on both of our parts.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:11 AM
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The simplest way to deal with the restraining orders/protection orders is to do what is asked. You must each take separate counseling - his for batterers (NOT anger management - it's well-known not to work for domestic violence) - and your's for understanding domestic violence from a victim's point of view. No course are taken together, because in real DV situations that becomes extremely dangerous. Then you apply to the judge/DA/PO (whoever put the order in place originally) and explain your new training and attitudes and see if the order can then be lifted.

Mind you, these are not short courses . . . they should be about a year in length.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:12 AM
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mine was temporary protection order but they wouldn drop it i wrote a letter to the da and the dismissed the charges but the protection order was for 6 months they did change it to one that said we could be around each other but if any harm came to me he would be going to jail if i called the police
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:10 AM
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You can't. I surely can't speak for all cops, but I have never met a good one. I used to be a puking drunk teenager, who never got in trouble, a couple accidents while I was driving drunk, never got in trouble, got caught puking a couple times by police I.D.ed underaged and then they gave me back my i.d. Fast forward, I meet my husband who is African American, I get pulled over on average 3 times a month. Car search twice, my son is crying because it's cold, they want to check my trunk, nothing is there. This whole stuff broke out that ened with my husbands incarceration , and I got lied to all the same way, over and over. Why would you pull me over sober, everything legal, but I have a loud muffler, but you let a teenage girl ruin her life with beer. They should have put me in rehab when I was 16. I have never met a cop who did their job. I have other stories, lots! Non e of which lead to cops being truthful or rightchous.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bumblebee37 View Post
Do you honestly believe it is because of DCFS that all of this has transpired?
I would have to say after reading your post that these actions were taken because of a past domestic violence altercation involving your husband/boyfriend so the department asked you to remove yourself, unborn child and 3 other children from the situation. A caseworker will listen to your side of the story but the facts remain you were/are 5 months pregnant so whether you put yourself in a situation of him having to protect himself, while you battered on another, then this probably isn't/wasn't a safe place for any of you.
It's real black & white with the department whether an environment is safe or not so maybe after he gets some counseling (and maybe you too) then they will back off and let you go on with your life's as one big/happy family. Domestic violence effects the children involved whether they are still in your stomach or screaming for you to stop. Children see this an believe it is the way life goes and live it themself or get hurt trying to stop it.
DCFS did not create the situation, they put a stop to it even if it was just for a little while.
bb
I may be wrong, or it could be the state. But, I am pretty sure when a Dv goes down the battered has all of the assets surrended to them and a protection order is in place so if the offender comes close they go to jail....This isn't adding up for me. sorry
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:53 AM
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ok, a 2 year protective order is a 2 year protective order that won't be lifted unless the issuing judge opts to lift it. you can motion for a modification of the protective order, but you won't get any traction unless the criminal case is over, you've received counseling and your counselor has signed off on it, he has received counseling and his counselor has signed off on it. If DCFS is involved, they have to sign off on it as well - that may mean you both have to take separate parenting classes and the like so that DCFS is willing to sign off on it.

Should you get to a point in counseling where the counselors believe joint counseling is appropriate, you can get a modification to allow for joint counseling. Judges are more apt to do that than just lift the whole thing.

what you don't want to do is violate and then ask for it to be lifted. The worst thing you can do is ignore everybody, do no therapy, get busted, and then tell the judge s/he doesn't know that you're not the traditional DV relationship. That IS the traditional DV relationship - we don't care about the COurts and will do whatever we want to do and aren't they mean for arresting us? Or, cops get sent out to break up a fighting couple, and then the couple gets all upset when they arrest at least one of the participants.

While the criminal case is pending, you generally cannot have any modification of the NCO.
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