Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Met While Incarcerated
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #26  
Old 05-21-2009, 10:28 AM
BlueEyedEllie BlueEyedEllie is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: pa., usa
Posts: 11,671
Thanks: 33,135
Thanked 20,075 Times in 7,413 Posts
Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by SugarGirl View Post
How often do people talk about changing and how often does it really happen?
i don't know suggie,got any statistics for me??? change is very hard. i speak from personal experience. not so much changing from my 20's till now. but i struggle with alot of the same issues but keep on trying anyway. i think if someone fails in the process of them trying to change,that does NOT mean they're not sincere!! that's also why i say though, promises of change have got to be backed by actions that show their sincerity.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #27  
Old 05-21-2009, 06:44 PM
Peaceismine's Avatar
Peaceismine Peaceismine is offline
Earthling
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Here
Posts: 636
Thanks: 376
Thanked 504 Times in 298 Posts
Default

Everybody changes over the years. I myself have gone through a ton of changes, physically and mentally. I think it depends where our heads are at now and what we want out of the rest of our lives. If I would have kept on the same path I was traveling I would probably be dead of an overdose or alcohol poisioning. So I changed, thus changing my future by doing so.
So according to Dr. Phil, the indication of my future based on my past means I should be what, a pharmacist in a brewry?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Peaceismine For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-21-2009)
  #28  
Old 05-21-2009, 07:00 PM
SugarGirl SugarGirl is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: TN
Posts: 2,125
Thanks: 1,039
Thanked 2,253 Times in 1,029 Posts
Default

You guys are lumping in natural, life progression changes with larger, personality defect changes. IT just ain't the same thing.

I'm not saying that people don't change. just that you can't expect and hope that their love for you will change them. That is foolhardy and I see it all the time on this board. "he says he loves me and that he's going to chaange." umm, yeah right.

Another twist to this... from what I've seen, if a guy starts out treating a woman bad and she allows it even for a while, he is not likely to change his behavior with that woman. However, he may behave differently towards the next woman bc of her differing boundaries. This is something I've noticed in men. It ain't scientific but it is a frequent observation. I have seen guys be horrible to one chick and treat the next girl like a goddess. So, this is one reason why I'm inclined to say "drop him" to you guys if he's treating you bad. Once the pattern of abusive, insensitive, or adulterouss behavior is established with a woman, it is more likely to continue. That doesn't mean that he won't ever treat a woman nice. Just that he's not going to treat YOU nice.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 05-21-2009, 07:27 PM
pisces317's Avatar
pisces317 pisces317 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: BKLYN NY
Posts: 2,361
Thanks: 4,486
Thanked 1,770 Times in 1,129 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SugarGirl View Post
You guys are lumping in natural, life progression changes with larger, personality defect changes. IT just ain't the same thing.

I'm not saying that people don't change. just that you can't expect and hope that their love for you will change them. That is foolhardy and I see it all the time on this board. "he says he loves me and that he's going to chaange." umm, yeah right.

Another twist to this... from what I've seen, if a guy starts out treating a woman bad and she allows it even for a while, he is not likely to change his behavior with that woman. However, he may behave differently towards the next woman bc of her differing boundaries. This is something I've noticed in men. It ain't scientific but it is a frequent observation. I have seen guys be horrible to one chick and treat the next girl like a goddess. So, this is one reason why I'm inclined to say "drop him" to you guys if he's treating you bad. Once the pattern of abusive, insensitive, or adulterouss behavior is established with a woman, it is more likely to continue. That doesn't mean that he won't ever treat a woman nice. Just that he's not going to treat YOU nice.
TRUE,TRUE 4THUMBS UP FOR ALL YOU SAID IS TRUE
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to pisces317 For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-21-2009), SugarGirl (05-21-2009)
  #30  
Old 05-21-2009, 08:10 PM
babygirl8077's Avatar
babygirl8077 babygirl8077 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: PA Lycoming County
Posts: 69
Thanks: 6
Thanked 17 Times in 15 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcsbeth View Post
dr. phil has always said "the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior." i always agreed with him,but i've been really thinking about this. i am so NOT the person i was when i was 20 and got married the first time. i was selfish and immature. i'm 38 now and i have changed so much. i'm willing to read any self-help book i can on relationships,improving myself,i pray ALOT,anything to continue to improve myself. back then i honestly could have cared less and wouldn't have touched a self-help book with a ten foot pole. so now i'm a lil less confident that his saying is correct. i do think someone who has a past of bad behavior can't just say "i'm changed" and expect everyone in their life to believe them right away. i believe their actions have to back their claims of change. but to judge someone on their past i don't think is necessarily fair. i am not the person i was years ago,so maybe others aren't either. what you all think??

lol i remember dr phil saying that as well! everytime someone says they change i play that in my head! i used to believe that too but not so sure anymore either. lots of people change, it's about maturing really i don't think necessarily changing! i agree with you on that one!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to babygirl8077 For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-21-2009)
  #31  
Old 05-21-2009, 09:21 PM
BlueEyedEllie BlueEyedEllie is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: pa., usa
Posts: 11,671
Thanks: 33,135
Thanked 20,075 Times in 7,413 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SugarGirl View Post
You guys are lumping in natural, life progression changes with larger, personality defect changes. IT just ain't the same thing.

I'm not saying that people don't change. just that you can't expect and hope that their love for you will change them. That is foolhardy and I see it all the time on this board. "he says he loves me and that he's going to chaange." umm, yeah right.

Another twist to this... from what I've seen, if a guy starts out treating a woman bad and she allows it even for a while, he is not likely to change his behavior with that woman. However, he may behave differently towards the next woman bc of her differing boundaries. This is something I've noticed in men. It ain't scientific but it is a frequent observation. I have seen guys be horrible to one chick and treat the next girl like a goddess. So, this is one reason why I'm inclined to say "drop him" to you guys if he's treating you bad. Once the pattern of abusive, insensitive, or adulterouss behavior is established with a woman, it is more likely to continue. That doesn't mean that he won't ever treat a woman nice. Just that he's not going to treat YOU nice.
your last paragraph is a very interesting twist!!!! a co-worker of mine,her first husband almost beat her to death.after she divorced him(finally) she says he got saved and remarried and hasnever once laid his hands on his second wife. i honestly couldn't understand it. i asked her about it and she said his second wife is the type that won't put up with any s***. so glad you brought that up,it's true.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 05-21-2009, 09:57 PM
tee.dot.q's Avatar
tee.dot.q tee.dot.q is offline
Registered User

Staff Superstar Two Time Winner Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On his mind
Posts: 4,619
Thanks: 3,782
Thanked 15,215 Times in 3,764 Posts
Default

No, it's not the same thing at all. I think every single person on earth changes by natural progression, I have a hard time buying the personality defect changes in most cases though... Yeah, like anything it is possible but boy it is an intensive process and someone has to be FULLY committed. I agree that being in love with someone is not a good reason and it's just not enough. If loving yourself wasn't a big enough draw then how is loving another person... yanno?

As far as the whole "bastard to one, prince to the next" theory.. I've seen it too but more frequently than that I see men who are any of the things you describe seeking out and ending up with women who WILL allow that kind of treatment. Men can smell that on a female from a mile away.

Good points.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SugarGirl View Post
You guys are lumping in natural, life progression changes with larger, personality defect changes. IT just ain't the same thing.

I'm not saying that people don't change. just that you can't expect and hope that their love for you will change them. That is foolhardy and I see it all the time on this board. "he says he loves me and that he's going to chaange." umm, yeah right.

Another twist to this... from what I've seen, if a guy starts out treating a woman bad and she allows it even for a while, he is not likely to change his behavior with that woman. However, he may behave differently towards the next woman bc of her differing boundaries. This is something I've noticed in men. It ain't scientific but it is a frequent observation. I have seen guys be horrible to one chick and treat the next girl like a goddess. So, this is one reason why I'm inclined to say "drop him" to you guys if he's treating you bad. Once the pattern of abusive, insensitive, or adulterouss behavior is established with a woman, it is more likely to continue. That doesn't mean that he won't ever treat a woman nice. Just that he's not going to treat YOU nice.
__________________
It's all 1's and 0's
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to tee.dot.q For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-22-2009)
  #33  
Old 05-21-2009, 11:05 PM
SarahBlue SarahBlue is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 326
Thanks: 231
Thanked 204 Times in 121 Posts
Default

Can't teach an old dog new tricks
Once a cheater, always a cheater

We've all heard these & we ALL know of at least one person that fits into that category.
BUT most if not all of us know an exception to these also!

Everything depends on a person's willingness to change also. Like a drug addict that goes to rehab 10 times & doesn't quit, but for some, there comes a time when they say "Ive had enough" & they really WANT it, so on that 11th time to rehab, it works...

Nobody changes because they're told to. They change because they want to.. I don't buy into your past behavior dictating today's behavior. BUT-- I believe that your past turns you into the person you are,
__________________
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to SarahBlue For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-22-2009), esteli (05-22-2009)
  #34  
Old 05-22-2009, 05:06 AM
SugarGirl SugarGirl is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: TN
Posts: 2,125
Thanks: 1,039
Thanked 2,253 Times in 1,029 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tee.dot.q View Post
As far as the whole "bastard to one, prince to the next" theory.. I've seen it too but more frequently than that I see men who are any of the things you describe seeking out and ending up with women who WILL allow that kind of treatment. Men can smell that on a female from a mile away.

Good points.
Yes! Yes! To the point of this thread...the men in your example have NOT changed.

Let's recap:

Some say everybody can change. Their men can change.

Dr. Phil, tee.dot.q, and Suga' say "how's that workin' out for ya?"
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 05-22-2009, 05:21 AM
theskyabove's Avatar
theskyabove theskyabove is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Sky
Posts: 227
Thanks: 110
Thanked 143 Times in 104 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SugarGirl View Post
I'm not saying that people don't change. just that you can't expect and hope that their love for you will change them. That is foolhardy and I see it all the time on this board. "he says he loves me and that he's going to chaange." umm, yeah right.
I wholeheartedly agree, because the willpower has to come from the person that needs to change. Loving someone can be the reason for changing though. I've seen it happen, actually I'm seeing it happen at the moment with a couple I know and it's amazing.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to theskyabove For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-22-2009)
  #36  
Old 05-22-2009, 06:05 AM
BlueEyedEllie BlueEyedEllie is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: pa., usa
Posts: 11,671
Thanks: 33,135
Thanked 20,075 Times in 7,413 Posts
Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by theskyabove View Post
I wholeheartedly agree, because the willpower has to come from the person that needs to change. Loving someone can be the reason for changing though. I've seen it happen, actually I'm seeing it happen at the moment with a couple I know and it's amazing.
i agree,too.this mwi couple i know from my church,he was in for manslaughter due to the death of his girlfriend's baby while high on drugs. he went to the hospital seriously ill. his now wife,well she was a cna in that hospital. she started praying for him and they started corresponding after he went back to the prison. they corresponded for 4 years. he got out and they got married. he broke her jaw during a fight. she had him arrested. he went back to prison. she divorced him. he did another 6 years. she refused all contact. he got saved in there,completely surrendered his life over to God. he fasted for 27 days and prayed hard for his marriage. when he got out he couldn't find her. when he did,she was in a nursing home(only in her early thirties). she had had a stroke due to her drug usage. she had to relearn how to walk,talk,everything. he was in a hwh but as soon as he could he got an apt. and brought her there and nursed her back to health. that was over 20 years ago. they're in their 50's now. he is very heavily involved in prison ministry thru my church and he is very well-respected. his cousin did 23 years for killing a police officer. he got saved in prison too. his wife divorced him too. but they are remarried and they have a prison ministry they run also. change is possible. there are many who don't change but there are successes. and i say until you know for sure your man is NOT being sincere in trying to change,just hang in there.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 05-22-2009, 06:06 AM
SugarGirl SugarGirl is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: TN
Posts: 2,125
Thanks: 1,039
Thanked 2,253 Times in 1,029 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by theskyabove View Post
I wholeheartedly agree, because the willpower has to come from the person that needs to change. Loving someone can be the reason for changing though. I've seen it happen, actually I'm seeing it happen at the moment with a couple I know and it's amazing.
I think the willpower gained from love dwindles over time.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 05-22-2009, 10:52 AM
esteli esteli is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: usa
Posts: 5,854
Thanks: 8,772
Thanked 9,513 Times in 3,731 Posts
Default

I do believe people can change and leave their old ways behind. Not everyone who claims to want to change can... It's hard work and people will revert back to their old ways if they aren't vigilant. But change is possible. Aging alone doesn't change you, love alone doesn't either, it's a combination of things and timing. There are some people who are well aware of their negative behavior and will cringe at knowing what they do. Others well they don't care. Those who do cringe will try to change that behavior and work hard to change themselves.

Of course change is possible. If not, then what is life about? If we never change or evolve as human beings then my question is what is the point?
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to esteli For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-22-2009), Waitin_4_J (05-27-2009)
  #39  
Old 05-25-2009, 07:51 PM
ppeachess1980's Avatar
ppeachess1980 ppeachess1980 is offline
Jamieys's wifey
 

Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central In,USA
Posts: 92
Thanks: 5
Thanked 27 Times in 22 Posts
Default

Each an every human being is inherently good....quote by the montessori education program. we all have those qualities, too often the culture, economics and society shed a dramatic influence on us all. In any given circumstance a bad thing could happen to a good person,,,,,contrary to dr. Phil I believe in the choices people make can be good or bad for a variety of reasons,. Not to say there are not good people and bad people...just stating that this isn't black or white...sometimes for us all there is more grey that no one brings to the forefront when being faced with adversity for numerous reasons or circumstances.
__________________
Warrior Princess!


HE"S HOME SINCE JANUARY 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
couldn't be happier!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ppeachess1980 For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-26-2009)
  #40  
Old 05-25-2009, 08:00 PM
earlsgirl22's Avatar
earlsgirl22 earlsgirl22 is offline
his one and only
 

Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: alabama us
Posts: 2,143
Thanks: 599
Thanked 947 Times in 803 Posts
Default

i think dr.phil is full of sh__
__________________
jan in very rural bama


For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God.








Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to earlsgirl22 For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-26-2009)
  #41  
Old 05-25-2009, 08:15 PM
tweedybird tweedybird is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere
Posts: 1,523
Thanks: 623
Thanked 676 Times in 410 Posts
Default

Men change with age, from hormonal changes as well. I don't know which prison show it was, but it said the biggest predictor in a man in prison being less violent is aging. By the mid 30's they are not as aggressive.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to tweedybird For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-26-2009)
  #42  
Old 05-25-2009, 11:25 PM
robs_angel's Avatar
robs_angel robs_angel is offline
His Soul mate. ..
 

Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: West Virginia, USA
Posts: 32,180
Thanks: 1,309
Thanked 8,154 Times in 6,851 Posts
Default

Honestly I think it depends on the person! I think everyone can change, but they have to want to and have a support group (or support person). I was 16 when I first married! YES 16 now YEARS later, 2 wonderful childern, and a HUGE messy messy divorce.. I am DIFFERENT! alot different. at 16 I had no idea what the hell I was doing and made alot of mistakes that i would never do or think about doing now..

So yes I do think people can change.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to robs_angel For This Useful Post:
BlueEyedEllie (05-26-2009)
  #43  
Old 05-26-2009, 09:05 AM
june5 june5 is offline
Account Closed
 

Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: MA
Posts: 4,129
Thanks: 2,147
Thanked 3,404 Times in 1,209 Posts
Default

I think to some degree that statement is true...people don't generally change (at least their fundamental personality). I think anyone *can* change. I question why anyone would be with someone that needs a whole *lot* of changing...I feel like if you can't take the person as you find them, why do you want them? Everyone has "tweaks" here and there they can improve on, but if it's like their fundamental core has to be different, I don't think that's gonna happen.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:43 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2013 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics