Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Yesterday, 01:58 PM
Skatinem13 Skatinem13 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: New York USA
Posts: 6
Thanks: 0
Thanked 6 Times in 2 Posts
Default Struggling: He asks me to stay, & is pushing me away at the same time

My boyfriend is headed off to prison Monday (which happens to be my birthday) for 2-6 years. He should be eligible for shock and home in 6 months. It is not the time away that hurts, it is how he is treating me. I have been here for him for years and now that he is leaving, he is being really mean and hurtful. He wants to fight every time we talk. He keeps telling me that I am going to cheat on him and that I no longer care. I know this is overwhelming for him as it is his first time in prison. I know he is scared and is taking it out on me but I just don't want to put up with the abuse

I didn't commit the crime. I didn't end up in jail. I am just collateral damage. He is asking me to stay and support me while pushing me away at the same time. I am just so confused. I don't know if I should run or be more understanding. If I should wait for him or say enough is enough. I hate complaining because he really has a short sentence compared to everyone else but his words are just really hurting me at a time that I could use some comfort
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old Yesterday, 02:20 PM
upsetspouse upsetspouse is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Spokane WA
Posts: 89
Thanks: 1
Thanked 36 Times in 27 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skatinem13 View Post
My boyfriend is headed off to prison Monday (which happens to be my birthday) for 2-6 years. He should be eligible for shock and home in 6 months. It is not the time away that hurts, it is how he is treating me. I have been here for him for years and now that he is leaving, he is being really mean and hurtful. He wants to fight every time we talk. He keeps telling me that I am going to cheat on him and that I no longer care. I know this is overwhelming for him as it is his first time in prison. I know he is scared and is taking it out on me but I just don't want to put up with the abuse

I didn't commit the crime. I didn't end up in jail. I am just collateral damage. He is asking me to stay and support me while pushing me away at the same time. I am just so confused. I don't know if I should run or be more understanding. If I should wait for him or say enough is enough. I hate complaining because he really has a short sentence compared to everyone else but his words are just really hurting me at a time that I could use some comfort
Depends on what he did if he will serve the whole time he will get good time
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old Yesterday, 02:29 PM
upsetspouse upsetspouse is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Spokane WA
Posts: 89
Thanks: 1
Thanked 36 Times in 27 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skatinem13 View Post
My boyfriend is headed off to prison Monday (which happens to be my birthday) for 2-6 years. He should be eligible for shock and home in 6 months. It is not the time away that hurts, it is how he is treating me. I have been here for him for years and now that he is leaving, he is being really mean and hurtful. He wants to fight every time we talk. He keeps telling me that I am going to cheat on him and that I no longer care. I know this is overwhelming for him as it is his first time in prison. I know he is scared and is taking it out on me but I just don't want to put up with the abuse

I didn't commit the crime. I didn't end up in jail. I am just collateral damage. He is asking me to stay and support me while pushing me away at the same time. I am just so confused. I don't know if I should run or be more understanding. If I should wait for him or say enough is enough. I hate complaining because he really has a short sentence compared to everyone else but his words are just really hurting me at a time that I could use some comfort
OK if you love him you will stick by him through this he is going to need support while he is incarcerated. He is going through alot right now alot of emotions running through his head. My husband did the same thing when he went to prison and got 6years weeks have 2more years to go. I'm not saying that it will be easy, you will have good days and bad days just write to him and let him know that you are there for him now and when he gets released.
Stay strong honey you got this
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old Yesterday, 02:35 PM
Nickel Timer's Avatar
Nickel Timer Nickel Timer is offline
Off-Paper Since 2009
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Idaho, USA
Posts: 1,837
Thanks: 1,341
Thanked 3,001 Times in 1,169 Posts
Default

It sounds like he's just overwhelmed with stress and letting his mind run through worst-case scenarios (i.e. you leaving him). Tends to happen during the pre-incarceration "pending" phase, which by most accounts, is the most nerve-wracking part of the whole process.

He may be reflexively pushing you away to help cushion the emotional blow if you do end up eventually leaving him for another man, which tends to happen more often than not when men get themselves incarcerated. Not many relationships survive the ordeal.

If you really do plan to stick by him, just remind him that if he only has shock that it should be a pretty short sentence, and that you can definitely wait that long if he can discipline himself and make it through it. But make it clear that it's not cool for him to psychologically abuse you in the meantime. He needs to deal with his own insecurities or he's going to have a rough time inside. Seen it happen too often to so many other prisoners inside, the constant worries about what's going on outside just eats at them and tears them apart.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Nickel Timer For This Useful Post:
BearsLadyBear (Today), fbopnomore (Yesterday), sidewalker (Today)
  #5  
Old Yesterday, 02:48 PM
fbopnomore fbopnomore is offline
Site Moderator

PTO Site Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27,148
Thanks: 41,618
Thanked 20,157 Times in 11,765 Posts
Default

Make sure to tell him that his nastiness is very unhelpful. If he knows how you feel about it, he will either shape up, or you will have more knowledge of what the future holds when making your decision.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to fbopnomore For This Useful Post:
BearsLadyBear (Yesterday)
  #6  
Old Yesterday, 03:07 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,063
Thanks: 374
Thanked 2,571 Times in 1,212 Posts
Default

Set your boundaries and expectations. If he goes to Shock, you will barely speak. Every two weeks for 10 min. This may be stressing him out. It is all high stress to begin with.

Most guys tell each other she is going to leave you or cheat.

But insecurity is over thing. Abuse another. Set boundaries and expectations
__________________


Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to onedayatatime13 For This Useful Post:
BearsLadyBear (Yesterday)
  #7  
Old Yesterday, 04:58 PM
ambermarshall11 ambermarshall11 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Nys United States
Posts: 57
Thanks: 1
Thanked 27 Times in 14 Posts
Default

Yes alot of men in their don't have anyone so they will all talk amongst them selves to see what one another is saying I deal with this alot it's very stressful in their they have no idea what's going on out here just be there for him the best you can and be supportive best wishes
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old Yesterday, 05:15 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,063
Thanks: 374
Thanked 2,571 Times in 1,212 Posts
Default

Also, while he is in transit, you will not hear from him much. Check the locator to find out where he is periodically. He will be screened for Shock. If approved he will have to wait for a platoon to start.

From looking at your older posts, he is an addict and hopefully truly clean now. Now you will see the real him. Part of him would have been suppressed on drugs. You'll see the highs, lows, thinking process, etc. Of he has a racing kind, drugs are not there to suppress or numb them.

This does not excuse bad behavior, but give you a glimpse into his mind. More and more you are seeing the real him.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old Today, 09:01 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 30,539
Thanks: 53,501
Thanked 28,326 Times in 14,294 Posts
Default

Its a pretty common thing for them to think you are going to drop them. They dont want you to, but give out those mixed messages.
Mine did that too.


I'd try talking about it with him. If you are pretty sure youre gonna stay they say so.


Oh and the men he will be in with will tell him your gonna cheat, leave etc. It wont be helpful at all but they all seem to say that crap
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old Today, 09:51 AM
Kimimi Kimimi is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: OR USA
Posts: 348
Thanks: 285
Thanked 523 Times in 223 Posts
Default

A lot of women do leave men and cheat on them while they are doing time. He only thing you can do is stay strong in your support for him. I would take this time to ask yourself some serious questions. What if he gets out in six months and violates parole and has to do all his time? You have to decide what you want for you and he has to do the same. The relarionship dynamics have changed so you both need to re evaluate and decide how you are going to move forward together. Can you spend up to six years physically alone out here? Holidays, vacations Illness you will be without your life partner. Please be good to yourself and decide what you want only then can you be a true support to him.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old Today, 10:51 AM
Girl22472 Girl22472 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2018
Location: Indiana
Posts: 76
Thanks: 40
Thanked 82 Times in 35 Posts
Default

My husband and I have discussed this a few times. I will say though that when it comes to communicating my husband and I have a better than most type of relationship and that is always a plus.

When the investigation into his crime started the first thing he did was offer to get a divorce. I told him that would change absolutely nothing except that we would be divorced. He was ashamed and felt bad at how badly my life was/is going to be affected. I told him a divorce was not going to stop people from talking if the crime hit the news; a divorce wasn't going to prevent me from having to go back to work after almost a decade; a divorce wasn't going to prevent me from having to move out of the home we currently rent.

He still does this every time we talk to the lawyer and it may be a bad time for me and he's decided, on his own, I've had enough and that I'm done. I think part of it all has to do with him trying to end it before he thinks I"m going to and he gets hurt by it. I have explained to him that I have the right to be mad and upset and that it is completely normal but it doesn't mean that I am done and over him.

One of my fears have been that he'll call sometime and I'm having a bad day. The short time you're allowed to talk on the phone, let alone the privacy issues, won't be sufficient in fixing it immediately, or maybe getting him to understand. We've talked extensively about this and I have told him that if this happens he needs to NOT be in the mode of "it's over." I have promised that if I were to ever get to that point I would come forward and tell him so myself and we would move on from that point and figure it out. No, I do not expect to get to that point but I'm also the type of person who does not make promises I cannot guarantee that I can keep.

No one knows what can, or will happen but you have to have that strong bond of trust to know that you will be honest with each other.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Girl22472 For This Useful Post:
Kimimi (Today)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
California asks high court to stay order to reduce prison crowding TerriinCA California Prison & Criminal Justice News & Events + 3 Strikes 8 07-11-2013 04:55 PM
PTO Ladies, I need a giant hug! We seem to be struggling to stay together. Heliba Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison 24 09-28-2012 11:42 AM
Struggling to stay strong! Nobull PTO Lounge 7 03-25-2010 07:30 AM
Mexico asks World Court to Stay Executions in the U.S. Tracy Death Row & Capital Punishment Discussions 8 06-07-2008 08:49 PM
Prison Chief Asks Supreme Court for Emergency Stay in Jail Case lace Alabama Prison & Criminal Justice News & Events 2 05-24-2006 05:24 AM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:46 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics