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  #1  
Old 12-20-2017, 06:26 AM
mysoulmate2017 mysoulmate2017 is offline
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Exclamation Does your man treat you like a pay check "Branchville"

I am new to this group but i am hoping for some feed back My husband is always needing money i spend more on him a week then i do myself not to mention the phone "yes i do want and need to hear his voice" he calls at least 5 times a day if by chance i cant answer he says i am on bullshit and then gets on jpay to write me and say he is done and wants a divorce and im not shit ..Honestly it breaks my heart i have started to feel like a pay check for him dont get me wrong he has some days he is all lovey dovey but always end the calls with put money on my books if i dont the way he talks to me is crazy .i guess what i am asking is 1 is this normal behavior when they are locked up 2 how much money should i be putting on his books 3 should i just let him go and stop answering my phone after he talks to me the way he does ...so stressed out married a little under a year please give me feed back
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Old 12-20-2017, 06:35 AM
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My husband was spoiled and there were times I felt like I was an ATM. I finally had to get tough and be like sorry honey money is not growing on trees. I worked out a budget for myself and sent him what I could afford and still pay my bills. That was a huge adjustment for him. But I had no help with my bills and he needed to stop his crazy spending. I did want to talk a lot but at one time my calls were about $15. each, so we cut that back to almost nothing. I just couldn't do it. His mother would only do so much and she told him to stop with his demanding money from me. He finally realized he was being a jerk.
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:01 AM
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I am at the point that i feel like i am in prision he dont want me to go anywhere be around anyone i go see him and its good for a day or so then he is right back being a Ass I do love him and i thought he loved me but as i have been giving another inmates women a ride when i go she has told me so many things about her man talks to other women on jpay and other women go see him and she ask me if i was so blind i couldnt see that my husband is doing the samething so when he tells me he is going to divorce me in his words for a dollar i set here sick from crying its not like i can call him or just go see him only every 14 days so he is pretty much running my life from prison and as far as his mother she thinks her son does no wrong she is his enabler in everyway when he is out she buys him drugs and goes on binges with him so i cant even talk to her about this. Honestly in a month phone money was 225 book money 450. We have no children so he said i should not even think twice and he shouldnt have to ask me to put money on his books but when he was out he never even paided for McDonald's sorry venting
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:09 AM
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My husband is spoiled and he gets what he asks for but that's because I work three jobs. And I'm ok with that. But if I couldn't send it and there have been times he had never ever treated me badly for it. They way he's treating you is unexceptable behavior. Does he have a drug or gambling problem because that what it seems like to me. I would not be dealing with that crap that's for sure. And as for as the phone calls to you need to set a limit and let him know it's because it's to much money and it's not because you don't want to talk to him. His behavior is definitely not ok and a serious talk needs to happen and something needs to change.
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:12 AM
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I am at the point that i feel like i am in prision he dont want me to go anywhere be around anyone i go see him and its good for a day or so then he is right back being a Ass I do love him and i thought he loved me but as i have been giving another inmates women a ride when i go she has told me so many things about her man talks to other women on jpay and other women go see him and she ask me if i was so blind i couldnt see that my husband is doing the samething so when he tells me he is going to divorce me in his words for a dollar i set here sick from crying its not like i can call him or just go see him only every 14 days so he is pretty much running my life from prison and as far as his mother she thinks her son does no wrong she is his enabler in everyway when he is out she buys him drugs and goes on binges with him so i cant even talk to her about this. Honestly in a month phone money was 225 book money 450. We have no children so he said i should not even think twice and he shouldnt have to ask me to put money on his books but when he was out he never even paided for McDonald's sorry venting
Sorry I didn't read this message before I replied. IMHO you need to get out of that relationship. Why would ou continue to let this man control your life. He's got serious issues and obviously hasn't learned anything by going to prison I'm sorry this is happening but you need to rethink your situation.
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:31 AM
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Hi my husband had some bad really bad behaviors that I actually would overlook and excuse at times. But if he ever threatened to divorce me over money I would have laughed in his face. He was way to smart to risk losing me over stupid stuff. Just because someone else puts up with shitty behavior like your ride mate, doesn't mean you should. I would never accept being treated that way, and prison should wake his ass up. I'd send him a budget you can live with and then stick to it. He'll either deal with it or your going to have to make some huge changes in the dynamics of your relationship. Like dump him you should not have emotional black mail in your daily living. You didn't put him in prison and you can't be responsible for his living large in prison at your expense.
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:34 AM
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Stop the money! All of it! And then put a limit on the phone- 1 call a day. Your husband is a spoiled ass, and frankly, probably well on his way to being an abuser. You're already experiencing the abuse on an emotional and financial level - What's your is mine and what's mine is mine. You end up with nothing.

He's not, probably, allowed even to spend as much as you're sending him, so it's probably going for drugs or gambling.

If I were you, I'd end the marriage, because this isn't about "Oh, poor boy, stuck in prison and all disoriented and emotional". You said his mother is drugging with him when he's out.....well guess what.....it's not stopping and it won't. He's got all the support he needs from her, and their little world is just the two of them; you're not included.

The guilt trip is standard practice - "if you really loved me you'd do ****** for me". So standard! Turn it around - if he really loved you, he'd do what for you? Anything? Stop asking for money? Stop drugging with his mother? Stay on an even keel? Stop behaving like an addict?

Note, too, that the 'lovey-dovey' has to be there for a while yet, but that's because he still needs to reinforce his hold on you (it's often called the honeymoon phase). If you let it go on much longer, he won't need the sweet words any more, and you won't hear them. I would suggest getting out before that happens.

Gotta go, but if you want to save yourself, encourage him on the divorce!
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Old 12-20-2017, 08:32 AM
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Press the reset button ASAP.

He, they do it because we allowed it for so long. We created these spoiled brats now its time to change it.

Like someone said limit the phone calls.

My guy and I talk when needed and necessary. I email/text when I just want to drop an I love you, I miss you, of if I need him to call me, etc.

Money, In the beginning I gave him too much and he got used to that. And that little greedy monster emerged and I put an end to that. He wasn't pleased but he understood and we are fine now.

Sometimes you have to talk less and act more. If and when you put your foot down and he doesnt come around or understand why, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

As for being in prison, get yourself out of prison and live your life girl. Have some fun!!!

Stop catering to his every needs he's a big boy. He'll be just fine

Last edited by BearsLadyBear; 12-20-2017 at 08:33 AM.. Reason: Add a word
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Old 12-20-2017, 09:09 AM
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We are NOT their ATMs. It wasn't our actions that put them in prison and I would flat out decline anything beyond a strict limit. He does put you in "prison" with his whining, complaining and blackmailing. Unbelievable!
No need to get out of that relationship just yet, just make a list of your financial responsibilities and then set a limit with him. If he still "threatens" you with divorce, let him go ahead and continue living your life as best as you can because who needs a whiny blackmailing prick?
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Old 12-20-2017, 09:16 AM
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Sounds like your husband needs a reality check not your paycheck. Why don't you write him one that says "when you decide to stop being a selfish inconsiderate manipulating pr*$K, call me", until then silence is golden. Take care of you!
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Old 12-20-2017, 10:17 AM
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I am sorry your husband is treating you this way; reading these posts of yours in this thread I do not even feel that money alone is the issue....it appears he was not treating you well when he was free either - so yes, like others have said above, I would seriously consider whether you want to stay in this marriage.

Maybe take a moment and try to approach your marriage from an unemotional place....grab a pen and a piece of paper, and make a list of positive and negative things about your marriage. Be brutally honest... How does that list look like?

Hugs to you
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Old 12-20-2017, 10:47 AM
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Does he treat me like an ATM?
No.

Did I ever give him the impression, permission or foster behaviour that said it would be OK to treat me that way?
No.

And I don't buy into the feeling sorry for him, or keeping him comfortable or in a lifestyle he's accustomed to. That's ridiculous. My husband has a selfish streak a mile wide (his words, not mine) but he's also a rational adult and knows that just because he wants doesn't mean he gets.

Take a quick read about financial abuse. It's not unusual and it goes hand in hand with other forms of abuse.
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Old 12-20-2017, 01:24 PM
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No, my man doesn't treat me like an ATM machine. I've offered many times to give him money and he always refuses to accept anything. He's worked hard to get a job in prison. He even transferred some money to me in secret because he wanted me to have a good christmas (in secret because he knows I would refuse to accept it if he asked first) he must've been saving for months to be able to afford it.

I'm telling you this because I want you to know all men are like what you're experiencing. Please don't let him treat you that way. It is not normal behaviour. I agree with what others have posted, it sounds like an abusive relationship. You are not his ATM. You did not put him there and he has no right whatsoever to demand money from you. Look after yourself first.
It's not fair for you to have to live with threats if you don't do what he wants you to do.
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Old 12-20-2017, 02:45 PM
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My husband did 15 yrs with the feds (he only has 36 days and a wake up) he NEVER once asked me for money. I wud put $100 a month for calls, emails, and food. His mom wud do the same so for 15 yrs he lived off $200 a month. But take it he never got in debit or had a drug problem. Also everyone in prison has their own hustle ..if its drawing, ironing, cooking or something. I have NEVER got how men wud be asking their partners to send them $$ but thats just me!!
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Old 12-20-2017, 03:51 PM
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My husband did 15 yrs with the feds (he only has 36 days and a wake up) he NEVER once asked me for money. I wud put $100 a month for calls, emails, and food. His mom wud do the same so for 15 yrs he lived off $200 a month. But take it he never got in debit or had a drug problem. Also everyone in prison has their own hustle ..if its drawing, ironing, cooking or something. I have NEVER got how men wud be asking their partners to send them $$ but thats just me!!
He Never asked for money because you sent him alot. I send my husband 50$ a month and sometimes a little more but very rarely. Glad hes coming home soon.
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Old 12-20-2017, 06:33 PM
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He Never asked for money because you sent him alot. I send my husband 50$ a month and sometimes a little more but very rarely. Glad hes coming home soon.

And here is the kicker.....
He saved most of it! cuz he just to send it out to me ....
Bottom line is they need to get a hustle and not get into debit or drugs. I believed mine lived off $100 which was basically accounted for in communication (we email sooooooooooo much) and the other $100 he saved.
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Old 12-20-2017, 06:49 PM
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What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you feel good after your phone calls? Good about yourself, good about him, good about your relationship? You said you “need” to hear his voice... why? No one “needs” abuse. Keep a little notepad and pencil with your phone. Jot down your feelings after each phone call. Keep a tally of good phone calls vs bad calls or calls that don’t make you feel good. Sometimes seeing it in black and white can help you see what a crappy relationship you actually have.
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:41 PM
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I am new to this group but i am hoping for some feed back My husband is always needing money i spend more on him a week then i do myself not to mention the phone "yes i do want and need to hear his voice" he calls at least 5 times a day if by chance i cant answer he says i am on bullshit and then gets on jpay to write me and say he is done and wants a divorce and im not shit ..Honestly it breaks my heart i have started to feel like a pay check for him dont get me wrong he has some days he is all lovey dovey but always end the calls with put money on my books if i dont the way he talks to me is crazy .i guess what i am asking is 1 is this normal behavior when they are locked up 2 how much money should i be putting on his books 3 should i just let him go and stop answering my phone after he talks to me the way he does ...so stressed out married a little under a year please give me feed back
You give what you can afford to give, plain and simple. If he cannot respect that you have shit to pay for out here, he needs a reality check. Maybe he is doing shady shit in there and needs money to pay debts? He needs to grow the hell up and remember, he got himself where he is and it's not a spendy vacation, its punishment!!

I suggest you have a talk with him and let him know how you are feeling and ask that he respect you and your feelings, if not, let him write his high school emails to be a douche. He does not have the right to be disrespectful of you and by all means, block his ass. Once he realizes you are serious and not going to put up with his shitty attitude, he will more than likely chill out.
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:52 PM
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You give what you can afford to give, plain and simple. If he cannot respect that you have shit to pay for out here, he needs a reality check. Maybe he is doing shady shit in there and needs money to pay debts? He needs to grow the hell up and remember, he got himself where he is and it's not a spendy vacation, its punishment!!

I suggest you have a talk with him and let him know how you are feeling and ask that he respect you and your feelings, if not, let him write his high school emails to be a douche. He does not have the right to be disrespectful of you and by all means, block his ass. Once he realizes you are serious and not going to put up with his shitty attitude, he will more than likely chill out.
I have cried for days now he hasnt called and his last jpay message said he was filing for a divorce that he has to eat and if i cant give him money then i dont love him i have wrote him back and ask him to call so we can talk things out i have no idea if he even read it or not but the girl i let ride with me said her man told her he was done i mean i think 500 a month is over enough plus i pay for phone i feel so lost so empty i don't know if i am coming or going ...i need some serious professional help cause he has me so upset
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:56 PM
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What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you feel good after your phone calls? Good about yourself, good about him, good about your relationship? You said you “need” to hear his voice... why? No one “needs” abuse. Keep a little notepad and pencil with your phone. Jot down your feelings after each phone call. Keep a tally of good phone calls vs bad calls or calls that don’t make you feel good. Sometimes seeing it in black and white can help you see what a crappy relationship you actually have.
I feel whole again when i hear his voice until he starts with his demanding this or that i truly love him my family and friends cant stand him because of all he has put me through and still is not to mention his mother "another story" he hasjt called back and i dont think he will i am just sick over this ...
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Old 12-20-2017, 08:03 PM
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I have cried for days now he hasnt called and his last jpay message said he was filing for a divorce that he has to eat and if i cant give him money then i dont love him i have wrote him back and ask him to call so we can talk things out i have no idea if he even read it or not but the girl i let ride with me said her man told her he was done i mean i think 500 a month is over enough plus i pay for phone i feel so lost so empty i don't know if i am coming or going ...i need some serious professional help cause he has me so upset
Oh honey you really have to pull yourself together. I know it's hard to say no and stick with it. He's being a total asshole and if you allow it he will keep doing this. Don't send another dime let the phone run out and stop visiting. If he files for divorce then so be it and use your money for yourself. No one needs $500. plus phones. Don't go visit him and let him see what it's like to be alone. You can always do better then this, and you should stop contact with that idiot who your driving to visit that is adding to your expenses!!!
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Old 12-20-2017, 08:08 PM
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Hon, you do need therapy. Because you need to understand the hooks he's set in you. And you have to understand how dangerous he is and how little love he actually has or can give.

Once you begin to understand it, you'll be so glad you dodged this bullet! If nothing else, I should point out that he is provided with 3 meals a day, so he's not starving at all, and he doesn't love you very much if he's ready to file for divorce so quickly and with so little reason. Understand that. Please understand that! You were someone he could use, so he married you. Fortunately, that fixable.

Don't beg. You will find yourself feeling very weak, but you can stop yourself and keep your dignity and your soul. Because he isn't, despite your screen name, your soulmate at all. You absolutely never considered this when you dreamed of someone to love. Never, right?
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  #23  
Old 12-20-2017, 11:12 PM
Anna7 Anna7 is offline
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He is extorting money from you: if he detects the slightest resistance from you, he lets loose with abusive, cruel language, threats of divorce, the silent treatment (which is an abuse tactic); he is controlling your life AND he’s doing all this from behind bars. Can you imagine your life when he’s out? What were the circumstances of your marriage? Were you MWI, or did you marry him in prison? I’ve read enough threads here to understand that some inmates will marry someone on the outside just to ensure they’re kept comfortable while they’re on the inside. Love has nothing to do with this relationship you’ve gotten yourself into. It’s hard to detach from a leech .. they will latch onto you and do AND SAY anything to keep the transfusion going .. but you must do it for your own sanity and financial well-being .. the amount you’ve been sending him is unheard-of, beyond ridiculous.

Last edited by Anna7; 12-20-2017 at 11:46 PM..
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  #24  
Old 12-21-2017, 12:14 AM
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MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
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If I'd be in your (OPs) shoes I'd so welcome a divorce - emotionally painful as it may be.
Love does not mean "extortion" or "blackmail" ... Please do yourself the favor of not sending money and not visiting anymore and get the hell out of this screwed up relationship. It's not going to get better.
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  #25  
Old 12-21-2017, 05:45 AM
nygirl17 nygirl17 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marrybelle View Post
And here is the kicker.....
He saved most of it! cuz he just to send it out to me ....
Bottom line is they need to get a hustle and not get into debit or drugs. I believed mine lived off $100 which was basically accounted for in communication (we email sooooooooooo much) and the other $100 he saved.
That's 1200$ a year for 15 years. How do they send that money back to you. Here they give them a card when they leave with whatever they have left on it.
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