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  #1  
Old 05-04-2008, 06:16 PM
LovieDovie LovieDovie is offline
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Default I think my boyfriend may have been raped

OK. I need to calm down and think straight on this, but I can't. Over the past week, he been telling me about a guy in his block messing with him and saying gross stuff. He wouldn't tell me exactly what, but think it was sexual things. I kept asking him exacly what the guy said, but he wouldnt tell me.

I got a call today and he was really strange. The way he talked and his voice was way wrong from his usual self. What really gets me is that he reminded me of my cousin who got raped three years ago. She came over to my place afterwards and was acting strange until she told me and I took her to the ER.

Am I just worrying about nothing and could be be upset about something? Hes only been there a week. Mabey it is just hitting him now.
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:29 PM
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I don't know about Alabama and where your man is at, but I know my man has said that generally that kind of stuff really doesn't happen the way it's been hyped. He said that in CA there are some yards and prisons that are more known for that, but most of them it just doesn't happen.

Also, you know your man...but it seems to me there is a certain type of person who becomes an easy "mark" for that kind of thing.

Without knowing your man, without knowing the kind of environment he's in, I guess I can't really tell you what the possibilities are. But I'd say that there's a good possibility you don't need to worry. There are enough things for us to worry about without adding inmate to inmate rape to the list.

Since there is nothing you can do about it, the best advice I can give is to just continue to let him know that you love him, and that you are there for him - no matter what. That he can talk to you. Talk to him in a way that does not show your concern or worry, or disgust. Sound strong, even if you're not. That way if there IS something he might want to tell you, he's not holding back because of fear of worrying, upsetting, or "disgusting" you with his problems. If he really is going through something like that, you're going to have to be the "strong one" if you want him to be open about it, you know? But in all honesty, I would think it would be a pretty difficult thing for a man to admit or talk about (actually, I know, having worked with rape survivors), so it is something you may never know about.

Good luck, take a deep breath, and just relax. Be there for him however he needs you to be.

And welcome to PTO.
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:30 PM
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I Think Your Boyfriend And His Cellmate Had A "bonding" Experience.

My Boyfriend's Cellmate Shaves His Back At Least Once A Week. There's No Funny Business Going On....at Least I Hope Not.
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:37 PM
LovieDovie LovieDovie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILONA TURNER View Post
I Think Your Boyfriend And His Cellmate Had A "bonding" Experience.
That's not funny. It may be your way of trying to deal but it isn't mine.
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:39 PM
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I have an idea but what exactly is a "bonding" moment? I can't think of anything more difficult for a man to have to go through than this. If indeed something happened. My man says there are so many willing people in there rape is a rare thing. But....meeganv has the right idea. Take a deep breath and be strong. Easy for me to say but I will keep you two in my prayers. I think there is a forum on this subject in a different area?
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILONA TURNER View Post
I Think Your Boyfriend And His Cellmate Had A "bonding" Experience.
I'm sorry, but I'm not sure why someone would jump to that conclusion. Especially when he has only been in for a week so far. Seems a bit extreme, without knowing the guy.

Seriously, Lovie...at this point, things are an adjustment for him. I don't think this is an easy time for him at all, and you are bound to hear that in his voice. As difficult as it is for you, it's worse for him, so the strain is going to get to him. But I also don't think we need to jump to conclusions about rape...or "bonding".
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:43 PM
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Yeah I didn't find that amusing either. There is nothing funny about the situation. Maybe he had to fight to defend himself and if he is willing to fight to protect himself it will make him less of a target. If that kind of harassment (if it is at this point only words) is going on he needs to get out of that cell. But how much of that you have control over may be limited. So I say...I feel for you and I will be thinking of you both.
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:44 PM
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I know my guy actually sounded so stressed and scared at first and he's a big 6'5" 250 pound man. It takes awhile to know what to do with yourself and where you fit in.
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:46 PM
ILONA TURNER ILONA TURNER is offline
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Not Everyone In The System Is A Hardcore Criminal. Some Of The Guys Cope By Pretending They're On A H.s. Football Team.

They Eat Together, Shower Together And Extend A Hand To Help A Teammate Off The Ground.
  #10  
Old 05-04-2008, 06:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILONA TURNER View Post
I Think Your Boyfriend And His Cellmate Had A "bonding" Experience.

My Boyfriend's Cellmate Shaves His Back At Least Once A Week. There's No Funny Business Going On....at Least I Hope Not.

I don't know what you really mean with "bonding experience" but I wouldn't like my boyfriend to experience that "bonding" with anybody while he's in jail
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Old 05-04-2008, 07:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iloveyoumore View Post
My man says there are so many willing people in there rape is a rare thing.
Rape and sex are two different things so no matter how many people are willing to have sex there are still going to be inmates that rape other inmates. Rape is about violence and control - not sex.

LovieDovie, I hope that this is just an over reaction on your part and that he is safe and well.
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  #12  
Old 05-04-2008, 07:20 PM
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Try to stay positive!
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  #13  
Old 05-04-2008, 07:40 PM
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I asked my husband about this b/c the media hypes up the whole prison rape thing. He says that it rarely happens atleast at the ones he has been in. Maybe your man is stressed or had to fight. Hang in there.
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  #14  
Old 05-04-2008, 07:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hisoneandonly View Post
I asked my husband about this b/c the media hypes up the whole prison rape thing. He says that it rarely happens atleast at the ones he has been in. Maybe your man is stressed or had to fight. Hang in there.
When he was in the county jail waiting for bail, he got into two fights. He won one and lost one. He didn't have a problem talking about those fights, and he was seriously stressed out then.

He isn't a big guy either 5-6. He has Native American in him, and doesn't grow much facial hair.
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Old 05-04-2008, 08:17 PM
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Try to remain calm and don't think the worst until you talk to him again. Getting upset is not going to be good for either of you. I know that is easier said than done, but try. If you are wrong and he calls and sees that you are upset, then he will get upset. It's like a cycle. You probably are right, and it's finally hitting him that he is in there. Good luck, and welcome to PTO. We are here for you.
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Old 05-05-2008, 08:44 AM
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i agree with most the ladies above. it its a very very rare thing in there, trust me, i know plenty of people that are or have been in. there are tons of things that could be on his mind at the moment, for instance, the fact that he is actually there, or how long he is going to have to be without you. that place can eventually break anyone down, just continue to be supportive and if i were you i wouldnt push the subject too much, just let him know you are there for him if he ever needs to talk about anything. i hope for the best for both of you!
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Old 05-05-2008, 10:06 AM
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Stay positive...Rape isnt as popular as the TV shows it. Most men arent willing to risk being labled as gay therefore they really dont go around in packs attacking each other.
  #18  
Old 05-05-2008, 11:41 AM
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Default maybe things are just on his mind

maybe things are just weighing in on his mind right now and he doesn't want to talk about it, can you visit with him and talk to him in person maybe he would open up to you more in person,

either way just stay by him right now he needs you more than ever and if you break down on him it will just make it that much worse

i will keep you in my prayers and i am hoping that you are just overracting

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovieDovie View Post
When he was in the county jail waiting for bail, he got into two fights. He won one and lost one. He didn't have a problem talking about those fights, and he was seriously stressed out then.

He isn't a big guy either 5-6. He has Native American in him, and doesn't grow much facial hair.
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Old 05-05-2008, 11:44 AM
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Default i think that was a little rude

she came her for support and answers not to make a joke out it i don't see any humor in someone elses misery

and i have never heard of this bonding experience

Quote:
Originally Posted by ILONA TURNER View Post
I Think Your Boyfriend And His Cellmate Had A "bonding" Experience.

My Boyfriend's Cellmate Shaves His Back At Least Once A Week. There's No Funny Business Going On....at Least I Hope Not.
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Old 05-05-2008, 01:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BRIAN'S GIRL View Post
she came her for support and answers not to make a joke out it i don't see any humor in someone elses misery

and i have never heard of this bonding experience
I wouldn't sweat ILONA whatever her name is...She seems weird to me no offense though but she better never answer one of my posts with her weird and offensive answers
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Old 05-05-2008, 07:24 PM
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ok.... my opinon on this is going to be completely different than the other ladies. I dont want you to be upset but I am just going to tell you my opinon.



I think you should be concerned. I spoke to alot of different people (guys I know that have been to prison) and although they say that the media hype it up more than it really is, inmate rape DOES happen. Just for the simple fact that you feel something bad may have happened to him I would suggest you find a way to get to the truth. I don't want you to really blow it off. We are suppose to be our loved ones advocate. How are we going to do that (or in this case how are you going to do that) if you don't know what's going on. I would ask him, or write him, whatever you think will get him to speak the truth. And someone on here said there is nothing you can do but I think she's wrong. Maybe there is nothing SHE can do but trust me-- I would be raising a whole lotta noise until my guy is moved from that facility and put somewhere safe! From how I understood it, an inmate has to "let" another guy in. Meaning asking to borrow stuff, taking things from another inmate if offered, or "bonding" and letting him shave his back--- I think depending on whos the person, it can be friendly but with some guys it can mean a little more. Be smart girl! You know your man better than all of us. If you think something is wrong go with your first instincts and find out the truth! Better to look into it and it turn out to not be something serious than to leave it and wish you would have dug a little deeper. PM me if you wanta talk. we can figure out who to call together.
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Old 05-05-2008, 07:38 PM
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I said there is nothing she can do about it...because until she knows what is bothering him or if a rape occured, there isn't. And at this point all she knows is he's stressing and not comfortable. I don't think she should be jumping to conclusions because that is not doing anyone any good. I did say she needs to put herself in a position of strength so that he can and will talk to her if there is something to tell. If she's freaking out and a nervous wreck, he's not going to feel comfortable turning to her in his time of need, because he's going to want to be "the man" and protect her from further distress. Bad enough that his pride would be hurt and he'd be feeling distressed, he wouldn't want to add to it by distressing her...he might think he needs to "man up" and handle things by himself.

There definitely is something to be said for women's intuition, but I'd just hate for her to be stressing them both out before she knows anything for sure. And as we've all said, while prison rape does occur, it is not as rampant as some would like you to believe.

If her fears do prove true, however, you're right, then she does need to continue to be his advocate and figure out what to do to protect him. But there are plenty of reasons that he could sound stressed other than rape his first week in.

Good luck, stay strong, and keep us posted Lovie!
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Old 05-05-2008, 07:58 PM
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I wouldn't jump to conclusions yet. It's hard for the new guy in a prison. He is probably having a hard time adjusting. If he's having problems with other inmates, he may not tell you everything. If he gets into a fight, it will probably mean more time. He knows this and is probably trying his hardest to stay out of trouble. I'm sure that you are used to him being big and tough and he wouldn't want to lower your opinion of his manly ability. Mine was having some problems with some of the guys in his. I was really worried and I knew that he wasn't telling me everything. Eventually he told me that they had stolen his radio and trashed his bunk. It has all blown over now, but it made me realize just how hard it is for a guy to admit that he is powerless in a situation. The most important thing to our guys is the opinion we have of them. Things that seem so small to us are big issues to them. Hang in there. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. He'll open up soon.

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Old 05-05-2008, 08:10 PM
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Your first step, I would say, would be to just take a deep breath and stay calm until you get to talk to him.

When you talk to him, just ask him flat out. That is my advice. You will be able to tell from his reaction to your question better than you will from the tone of his voice during any other type of conversation.

And, even if he was not raped, I think that you should encourage him to have that other guy moved out of his cell. My man had somebody ask to be moved out of his cell because he was talking about Jesus too much. lol. And they did it, so I think they would be willing to move your man out of that guy's cell.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but try to stay calm and rational. Only worry about things that you can change. Other than that, just pray because worry is a wasted emotion when there is nothing you can do, and worry can actually hurt you.
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Old 05-05-2008, 09:14 PM
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I don't think it's his cellie, I think she was just referring to another guy on his block. So requesting a change might not be quite as easy.

Obviously, Lovie, you have a lot of people wondering how it's all holding up, wondering how you are, and wanting an update...so keep us posted when you hear from him next. Let us know you're both doing OK!
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