how do you explain, where is daddy to the kids

Nykole · #1 08-09-2002, 11:33 AM

My children are old enough to understand that what prison is. My husband is incarcerated for interstate drug trafficking, so it is was not unusual for him to be gone over night, some 2 or 3 days depending where he was going to get the "package" but now daddy is gone for 35 months. What do i say? When he was going out of town I would say daddy is out of town on business. Now what. He has been gone 3 months now and they are starting to worry. They write him, but i mail the letters, so they do not know where they are going. He has not wanted them to come see him yet so my mom stays with them when i go. I send pics often, but he does not want the girls to see him there. You know kids. Bad people go to jail. I would never want them to think bad about their father, he is a wonderful man. and in their eyes he can do no wrong. so what do i say? Today is his birthday, they want to bake daddy a cake, i told thim that he is not coming home yet. My 9 year old is asking if we are still married, does daddy still love us and stuff like that.

sherri13 · #2 08-09-2002, 12:04 PM

NYK-THERE IS ANOTHER POST IN THIS THREAD BY GOLDY CALLED "WHAT DO YOU TELL THE CHILDREN?" THAT YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ. IT HAS THE VIEWS OF MAY PEOPLE ON PTO-

PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE THAT HONESTY IS ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY. ALL OF OUR KIDS KNOW WHERE RON IS AND WHY. (AGES: 17,17,13.10,8, AND 4)I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT TO CORRECT THE MISCONCEPTION THAT CHILDREN HAVE THAT "BAD PEOPLE GO TO JAIL"--BAD PEOPLE DON'T GO TO JAIL--PEOPLE WHO DO BAD THINGS DO.

PERSONALLY, I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT AS PARENTS THAT WE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE ARE IMPERFECT TO OUR CHILDREN- THAT WE MAKE MISATKES, THAT WE PAY THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THOSE MISTAKES-THAT IS AN INVALUABLE LESSON FOR CHILDREN-

HOW YOU TELL THEM AND WHAT EXATLY YOU TELL THEM DEPENDS ON THEIR AGE- BUT EVEN A VERY YOUNG CHILD UNDERSTANDS DADDY MADE A MISTAKE AND HE HAD TO GO TO JAIL--REASSURE THEM OF HIS CONTINUING LOVE--

IDEALLY I THINK BOTH OF YOU SHOULD TELL THE KIDS TOGETHER WITH HIM TAKING THE PRIMARY ROLE-BUT IF HE DOESN'T WANT THE KIDS TO SEE HIM THERE, I GUESS YOU WOULD DO IT-

WHATEVER YOU DECIDE, GOOD LUCK--

Lucrisid · #3 08-12-2002, 01:55 AM

Nykole,

I totally agree with Sherri...
Be honest and let them know that it's not bad people, but people who did something bad who go to jail.

My kids have always been told the truth, and to them it's not a big deal. At least they know what they have to expect and that it will be a long time until their Dad comes home.

trust us- kids can deal with these issues a lot better than we might think!

Now if you don't want them to know about the drugs, replace the word 'drugs' with something else.

Tanya

Budwoman · #4 08-12-2002, 02:43 PM

THE TRUTH WILL MAKE US FREE..... SHERRI IS SO VERY RIGHT.

LOVE
DONNA

horsegal · #5 08-17-2002, 08:16 PM

My fiance is doing 18 years for Agg burglary, and felonious assult, and drug trafficking. He has been in for 1 year, and I told our 7 yr old son, that his dad done something bad, and that dad is in timeout. I feel our son is to young to understand what the charges are, so I'll explain it to him when I feel he is ready to know. But you do what you feel is best. Good luck!

Sharon

Kraig

tiamotzz · #6 08-18-2002, 10:59 AM

you know i am a preschool teacher and i see this come up. i have not been able to find a really good book that addresses this issue. i see children in visiting rooms who don't understand why daddy can't come home with them. i would like to publish a book for children that actually shows pictures of the inside. nothing scary, or inappropriate. but reallyl young children need reassurance that there loved one is alright. i haven't really researched what it would take to get the ball rollling on that one but it is an idea i have kicking around in my head for the last year, because it IS a need.

BillnDenise · #7 08-18-2002, 12:11 PM

The truth is the best way to go about it. Billy's children know where he at. They are 6, 8, 10. Children understand and accept things more than people realize. It just needs to be explained to them honestly and in terms they can understand.

Best of luck to you.

Hilde Bogaerts · #8 08-18-2002, 12:35 PM

dear tiamottz
what a great idea!!!! do write that book and then I can order one...I have been going to prison for a while and I tell my daughter about Clinton many times but she has no idea what prison is like and what she does have in her head is what she sees in movies...even now when I plan to go visit in November and I am taking my son, he is almost 15, I tell him about how it is going to be and things like that, but I feel that he just can not understand because he has never been near a prison or someone who was in prison.
I remember when I was 15, I was in prison the first time with the church choir. I found it very difficult and nobody had ever told me about how it would be...and you know what they say about the first impression...well I will never forget my first impression, if only I had a book like the one you are going to write so I would have had an idea of prison written by a person that not only sees the bad things, but the good in people as well...oh yes a very good idea!
Hilde

Amelia · #9 08-21-2002, 12:21 PM

TIAMOTAZZ-I found the same thing -there are no books to help small kids understand all this....my mother and I are in the process of putting one together....

on what to tell the kids I told my kids (6,5,3,2,1) that Daddy made a mistake and now has to work to pay back for his mistake....they will figure out that he is not on business one way or another and then there will be other issues of not trusting you to deal with on top off not having their father around...kids are alot stronger than we think...tell them and then be there for them..just dont overwhelm them with tooo much truth if you know what I mean....good luck..

Mstryzone · #10 08-21-2002, 01:14 PM

Nykole,

I do not have any children, but I have 2 nephews that meant he world to me. I have also worked with kids for many various reasons...

I believe that honesty is the best policy. Depending on ages & their understanding, I think you will find the most appropriate way to express the current situation to your children... I've noticed some very helpful replies already!

Tiamotazz,

I love your idea for a book. I'm a writer at heart, so I would be glad to help you in any way I can! Feel free to conact me directly...

Mstryzone@aol.com

sweetbaby · #11 05-30-2006, 09:42 AM

My boyfriend got a 10 yr. sentence for robbery. He is expected to be release 5/4/08. We have an 8 month old son, whom is not old enough to understand very much of anything. When he is old enough to start asking questions then they are old enough to know some of the truth. Until they can completely understand that daddy's not a bad man just made some bad choices. I think that you should explain that daddy won't be home for a long time, that you and him are still together and that daddy does still love them very much. Then when they are old enough to accept it and then tell them all of it and leave out no details. I hope that this helps you in anyway possible.

bbwlisahar · #12 06-22-2006, 12:48 PM

My ex husband was sentenced to 30 years and our son was only 5 at the time. I told him at first, before the trial, that dad was away teaching classes. (He did teach classes for the volunteer fire dept he was on so it wasn't a big stretch) After the trial and the sentencing, I couldn't keep that up forever so I told him that he had to go to court and the judge thought he did something wrong and he has to pay for the mistake he made.

Lisa

deanskayla · #13 06-22-2006, 05:42 PM

Having three children ages 6,7 and 11 I have had to deal with this, and found the truth to be the only way. Tell your child as much as he/she needs to know, it varies with their age and emotional maturity.
Children need to know their parents’ choices are not their fault, their parents still love them (this is questioned in cases of child abuse; therefore, individual situations must be considered), and they can make healthier choices themselves. The children need to talk about their worries and concerns, to go on with their lives while their parents are away, and to find strength to ignore meanness in others
There are many books available,
Here is a list of books that I know of, designed for Children of Prisoners

Just For You-Children of Incarcerated Parents

Mama Loves Me From Away

My Mother and I Are Growing Stronger

When Andy's Father Went to Prison

Nine Candles

My Mom Went to jail

Let's talk about when your parent is in jail

Father's in prison

The Same Stuff As Stars

Amber Was Brave, Essie Was Smart

Visiting Day

Our Gracie Aunt

Queenie Peavy

Sweet and Sour Lily

When Can Daddy Come Home?

An Inmate’s Daughter

All Kinds of Families

Breaking Out

Coping When a Parent Is In Jail

Into the Great Forest

My Daddy's In Jail

owens4life · #14 06-22-2006, 06:01 PM

yes honesty is the best way to go, because its going to be a time when they have to go see thier dads. My son is 5 and i have one on the way. His father always tells him to listen he says he didnt listen when he was a child and now he is paying for it. he tells him he did something bad and its time for him to have a fresh start so he could be the best father he could be and he couldnt really do that looking over his shoulder. So if he doesnt want to end up in prison he should listen and make smart decisions.

robbo's wife · #15 06-30-2006, 01:12 PM

I tell my daughter that her father is in a special school (which he really is at school in there) where he studies and works. I tell her that he's learning how to take better care of himself and his family and then he can come home.