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  #1  
Old 02-24-2008, 05:06 PM
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Default Women who place prison pen pal ads

We were discussing over in the husband/bf forum about women who place prison pen pal ads. I've noticed that for the websites who record page views, the women's ads get A LOT of viewing traffic online. Also much like the men's ads, they typically seem to be looking for contact with someone of the opposite sex seemingly for dating purposes by the wording of their ads.

I likewise noticed that there are very few men in this forum compared to how many women regularly visit the husband/bf forum. I wondered if it was because there aren't many women in prison compared to men to begin with, or if the men responding to the women's ads usually don't progress far enough with the women in relationship scenarios to make visiting the forum of any importance to them to obtain friend support.

BD and mrschris mentioned something that didn't occur to me. That there may be a lot of women in prison who are only trying to scam the men who write to them for money on their books, etc., and that these women may often already have 'girlfriend' relationships going on the inside while they are writing to the men.

I had been thinking about maybe men writing to those women just for sex talk and such without considering being truly serious with them in a real relationship, but BD and mrschris mention the situation of scamming and women already being with each other in relationships in prison even before they place the ad.

Something about this doesn't sit quite right with me, it gives me questions. I mean, I'm sure that some women in prison do this, no doubt. I'm also aware that a lot of women in prison tend much more to try to form 'family-type' unit relationships with other women for emotional reasons while they are incarcerated together, much moreso than men in the same situation do.

On the other hand, I don't really think there are that many of what one could call true 'lesbians' in prison. I'm sure there are some, but I don't think it would be most women. I think if many women engage in 'girlfriend' type relationships in prison, it's mainly for emotional reasons (although same-sex 'situational' acts may also be included in the behavior because there are few viable men around in person).

So, I'm thinking this plus also considering what many people say about how men don't confuse sex with love, but a lot of women do.

This then begs the question from me: IF the majority of incarcerated women are heterosexual and they place an ad, why wouldn't it be hoping for 'real' relationships with men according to their natural sexual orientation instead of most of them just being out to scam some guy when they already have a (lesbian-type) girlfriend?

Thoughts, anyone?
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Old 02-24-2008, 05:51 PM
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Hi and welcome to our little corner of the world. What an interesting question you have posed and I hope I don't ramble on trying to answer it.

I think the reason you see very few of us men on PTO is because women in prison traditionally are abandoned on a much larger scale by family and loved ones then their male counterparts. I'm sure that the guys on here can attest to the fact they see a lot of the same faces visiting the same women every weekend. With the majority of times, if a male is visiting, it is a brother or father visiting her. In my experience, a male SO is rather rare to be sticking by their woman or pursuing a relationship with a female inmate. But that is also just my opinion and experience.

Yes, some of the women do place ad's with the intent to find a "Sugar Daddy" Even a few of my wifes friends have a girlfriend on the inside and a boyfriend on the outside. Some of the women place them when their parole is coming up trying to find a stable home situation to help in getting their parole approval. But I do think the majority of them are looking for love, just because they are locked up, the need to have someone to love and love them back does not go away. So in the end, I don't think the percentage of women who places ad's are doing it with the intent to scam someone anymore than the men who place the ads.

But, I do think there is a higher percentage of homosexual activity going on in the womens prisons. My wife has often said that a large percentage of the fights and problems in there would go away if the homosexual activities were stopped. To listen to her, it does seem like there is a rather large amount of it going on. Which we both attribute to a need for emotional and physical intimacy, as well as support. You are right, I think they are also attempting to build a family structure as well.

But there are also quite a few women that have multiple "boyfriends" on the outside taking care of them. But in the end, I think the majority of women are looking for love when they place their personal ads.
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Old 02-24-2008, 06:23 PM
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I know where my wife is she is constantly complaining about the gay goings on. There is a saying of gay for the stay. These are women who in normal circumstances would not consider a same sex relationship but once in there they seek consoling from someone who knows what they are going through and that closeness of having someone who understands. This stems from what metro said about the men not staying with the lady once she is incarcerated. I like him see the same ones visiting every time I go. Very few husbands or boyfriends. The ladies who supoort their men far outnumber the men who suport their ladies.Some of this may not even be conscious thinkings but subconsious. So one thing leads to another and before they realize it they are involved. Of course there are those few that are actually gay. As for the pen pal ads there are quite a few who do it just to find someone to take advantage of but then there are some who are really serious about finding someone who could learn to understand them and not so much in financial support but emotional and mental support. They truly are seeking someone they may be able to build a life with. I know one inparticular right now who is a very sweet dear lady that would give almost anything to have a pen pal just to have someone to write to.
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Old 02-24-2008, 08:21 PM
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I can count on my hands the gentlemen who I see continually visiting their
females inmate friends/girlfriends/wifes. It's very rare to see anyone
different than the same people I see on a regular visit.

Once in awhile, a father or a brother will visit.

I will though say that the gentlemen that do visit, they are very consistent.
It's definately a commitment to their female inmate.
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:43 PM
Kay's man 4ever Kay's man 4ever is offline
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Default contact visits..

1). I am sure you assumed this in your discussions so far, but contact visits NOW are also highly prized by a lady in prison.

Here in California prisons, (but not for my wife) contact visits are as long as 6 hours on Sat and 6 hours on Sunday.

Granted,these visits are behind walls, but they take place in a semi-normal atmosphere of a big cafeteria type setting with a large outdoor patio, often full of smiling people dressed in colorful (non prison) clothes, eating better food (for all) and laughing children playing on a swing set(s) in fresh air.

Thus, the contact visits are a real way to rekindle the incarcerated lady's sense of humanity by engaging in happy get to gethers that take them far way from the prison if but for 12 hours a week.

Most of all, they afford the incarcerated lady a chance to touch, and be touched, in an affectionate manner. ...and yes, even a hug, and couple of stolen kisses.

For many ladies, the contact visits alone, (forget the money) get them through the week.

2). As for your other point, from personal experience the percentage of ladies getting visits is pitifully small, probably ranging in the single digit % wise.

Of these, very few are husbands.

of these,very few are MWI husbands.

If there is a golden crown for a loyal man, it is the MWI fiance/husband for he has made the ultimate life's choice based on faith, in spite of overwhelming odds.

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Old 02-24-2008, 09:50 PM
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Well Charlotte, I did not meet my sweet heart through an ad, but I did in a round about way. I don't really speak of it much, but originally I did write to some women through pen pal sites after a sermon at church really hit home with me and I wanted to bring some sunshine into someone's life. I had no romantic intentions, I would have written to men if not for the fact that I would have felt strange about it, and though I would be looked at as homosexual, so I looked for women to write.

I literally looked through thousands of ad's online. I carefully looked for people I thought genuinely needed a friend. Someone I could just write to and it could just be a fun, worthwhile kind of thing. I didn't want to write anyone in California because I did not want to be asked to visit.

I ended up writing one in California anyways, only a half hour away even. I never heard from her, but three weeks later I recieved a letter from someone I did not know from the very same prison. The woman I had written to had passed my letter on to this other woman who she knew had interests simular to mine. I wasn't even going to write her back, but then I thought, well why not? I didn't know the person I wrote to anyways, and it was very clear that this girl really needed a friend. So I started to write, and a year and a half later, here I am, engaged to be married to her. Talk about more than I ever bargained for!

Anyways, some time down the road, I found out that the woman I wrote to was a scammer, but I was too close for comfort. She didn't want me because I might ask to come see her. Her game was writing to as many men as she could and getting them to put money on her books, and buy her quarterly boxes. The girl in the pictures was not her, all the words she wrote were fake. I found out that she recieved over 20 letters per day from men all over the world.

She made a habit of giving away letters of men too close to home to others who really did want a real relationship. So in a round about way, yes that pen pal ad led to my engagment.

I have learned a great deal about how things work inside a womens prison from my fiancee. She estimates at least 75% of all the women in there are involved in a lesbian relationship. Many are like krummy said, gay for the stay, but I have seen with my own eyes, there are a lot of butch lesbians in that prison, I see them every weekend. I even see girls who have gotten out come to visit the girlfriends that they have left behind who are still in. I see a lot of women with shaved heads, that look like men. I have seen women with moustache's and beards.

And while I don't know anyone else who met while encarcerated like I did my fiancee, I do see some I know must be. I see some 60-70 year old men with 20 year old girls. I see the girls make a sickly face when they hug them when they come and leave. It's only obvious that these guys are being taken. I have heard of men who put as much as $1,000 a month on books. I've seen a girl with a huge diamond ring her "trick" bought her.

Honestly, scamming is a cottage industry for many women in prison. They don't have anyone in the world who cares about them, much less anyone who takes care of them, and to them, they do what they have to do to get by. It really saddens me to see peope get taken advantage of. I often see a woman with one man on Saturday, and another on Sunday, both clearly thinking they are her one and only. It's not a nice thing at all, and it is far too prevelent.
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 727-200
I will though say that the gentlemen that do visit, they are very consistent.
It's definately a commitment to their female inmate.
I agree with you completely. I am part of a small group of husbands, fiancee's, and boyfriends who visit every weekend, and they are very consistent and very loyal.
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:55 AM
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I must agree with Jack here. I tip my hat to the men who are MWI and those that are determined to stand by their lady for years. I would only hope that I would have the strength to stay for a very long sentence.
Kuddos to you guys.
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Old 02-25-2008, 09:51 AM
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me being a MWI person, i agree with most of all that you all say....But if a person, female or male begins a penpal relationship for sexual reasons, then they are doing it for the wrong reasons anyway...I do what I do because it is just the right thing to do and i also would hope that someone would be out hetre for me(which I doubt)...Plus I do what I do for the SO because I want to and NOT by the words she says...becasue frankly anyone being in for a long time, will do what they can to survive..that makes common sense.....like any relationship,you must trust yet be careful....rambling on i am says Sam I am...but i hope made a little cents(sense)...

i can giver a current example of the scams...a man was supporting this lady for years and when the time came that she was walking out of the gate, he was there waiting...she walks tiowards another car and leaves...needl;ess to say, he was devasted(it turned out that she was married all this time and the husband was in on the scam)....

The man was so devasted that he committed suicide a few days later...and he was someone who visited weekly and stood in line with me and others and we chatted....
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Old 02-25-2008, 02:39 PM
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Oh my Lord jsnake how awful for that poor guy!

I think the things anyone in an MWI should remember are watching for the little things, little signs that give away the person's true intentions.

I think if the inmate involves you with their family it's a very good sign. Mine wants me to be as close to her family as possible, her dad, her kids, her sister, all of them. And she also has been very active with my family. She writes my mom all the time, and my mom, my sister, and her kids all have visited.

How they treat you is a big key. If you are just writing and never see them, then those wonderful words in a letter can be just that, words. I would highly encourage anyone to visit as much as possible. How you are treated in person is very telling. I always have felt good about our relationship because people always comment in visiting about what a great couple we make, and how we look like we've been together forever. I take pride in that. And most importantly I can look in her eyes and see the love, and she can do the same in mine. I can read her mood in a second just by looking in those eyes.

Oh well, just my two cents!
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Old 02-26-2008, 08:03 PM
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Many of the female inmates I work with have told me about their "penpal ads", and frankly laugh about the "clowns" who continue to write them.

Stamps, envelopes, etc. keep coming in steadily as long as the women keep stringing them along with their letters.

Some of the pictures are so laughable in these penpal sites! I've seen one from an inmate where I work who sent in a picture of some R&B singer named "Rhiannon" (not sure of the spelling), but in truth is a very overweight white gal!

This all sadly displays the power of desperation by men who are consumed with lonliness... The women do write very "emotional" letters (some skilled writers make letters for others as their "survival skill" inside) and the men just eat them up.

If the men are capable of realizing the "game" being played, and have no qualms about it, then it's not up to me to pass judgement. It's the ones who have no idea they are being "played" that upset me (as witnessed by jsnake!)

Many of the lifers I know are on multiple penpal sites and have to remember to "update their profile" to extend their release date for another 10 months or so to sound like they will be available soon.

As far as gay relationships go, I do see a high percentage of "manly-looking" females incarcerated. It makes me want to delve into the "whys and hows" of how they arrived here, and whether their "open gayness" caused problems for them, or had no impact at all on why they were imprisoned. I'm not a psychologist by any means, just trying to be analytical.

WyreNut
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Old 02-26-2008, 09:07 PM
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well i am not a man, and i met my husband while in prison, but i was the one who commented on an article written a few years ago about inmates scamming/persuading correctional staff into doing various things for them, including falling in love.

while i do not condone staff/inmate relationships while both are in the same facility (working and being housed) life is life, and it happens (which is why i quit my job). however, i hold firmly to the notion that yes, many inmates scam and get nice with staff (who are human too) only to use them and get them in trouble later on. many inmates openly admit it, and i have had my share of private conversations with inmates who admitted some pretty wild stuff.

it is a shame all the way around, and while staff should have more "common sense", sometimes the human side takes over, and well...staff can fall prey too i believe, be it they think the inmate is in real need of a friend, help, some contraband item, or they become infatuated with the inmate, or actually fall in love.

i definitely believe the phenomenon of being used (inmates using others) is not only limited to those on the outside. it happens on the inside as well. anyone who has ever worked corrections with half a heart KNOWS that the more time you spend in that facility, the more "family like" you become with the inmates. it is inevitable. you cannot be a robot there to just do your job, and be compassionate at the same time. it's either or. and those who choose to become compassionate develop bonds that sometimes cross the line. it is a sticky and embarassing in many ways situation to be in at any rate, but it is even worse to put your all on the line for an inmate that is just using you and running game.

it's only my hope that those of us who are staff make the right decisions when those boundaries are crossed, and those of us who are ex staff made the right decisions to lead us to where we are today.

by the way, the article did have direct quotes from i believe two female inmates who admitted to lying to correctional staff to get everything from cigarettes to sex. while many people do not believe that it can ever happen (and many of these same people get left by their inmates once they find out they were being used--as i said previously), i firmly believe it does, as i have seen it with my own two eyes.
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Old 02-26-2008, 11:46 PM
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I did not meet my friend through an ad. I first wrote to her over a matter I thought she might find of personal concern and never really expected an answer. When I got one which included several questions, I answered, but never imagined that we would keep in touch.

That was more than eight years ago now. I am in regular contact with members of her family with whom I am on good terms, have made the trip to visit her (and will again shortly). Nothing has proven to be what I was led to expect and warned about--she does not beg for money, has never "played" me in any way that I have noticed (she is married and I have known and respected that all along). We have the sort of friendship I expect we would had we become acquainted under "normal" circumstances.

Our contact has led me to take a far greater interest in the lives of prisoners than I ever would have otherwise--I've learned a lot about the "justice system" that I cannot imagine I would have learned otherwise. It has been a remarkable experience thus far and I would not trade it for anything in the world. I remain deeply grateful for the strange chance that put us in touch, and which, in turn, has put me in contact with any number of folks on this board, among other places.

I'm sure there are scam artists out there, and I always advise people to be careful and to trust their gut if things get suspicious in any way. It's what I've done all these years, and when all was said and done, I had a true friend who is a valued part of my life.
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Old 02-27-2008, 07:28 AM
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I guess it all comes down to one or the other. There are those that are genuinely looking for a friend and penpal for writing and then there are those that are just scamming. We just all need to be on our toes and have our guard up if we choose to be a penpal to anyone. It is ashame that there are those scamming that ruin it for the ones be honest but just like on the outside; one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch.
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Old 02-27-2008, 06:05 PM
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I actually know a couple of women who met their husbands by placing a person al on the web. They met some great fuys that were waiting at the gate for them when the ladies got out. Sure there are scammers, but there are also some nice stories with happy endings.
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Old 03-02-2008, 08:11 AM
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i've been thinking about writing a girl who has an ad but i'm kind of having mixed feelings on it
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Old 03-02-2008, 01:07 PM
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welcome to the group Oly...just be careful about writing..do a little investigation on your part first...like others have said,,,be on your toes..and write for the right reason...
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Old 03-02-2008, 08:40 PM
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I have not done to many posts but alot of reading, but this is something I can share. I met my girl on a pen pal site! A year and a month ago, she was on the last three years of a twelve year stay. I read through quite a few ads before I chose to write to her, it was what she wrote in the ad that caught my eye. And through all the letters I could tell that her and I just clicked. Then there was the first visit. Which I can only discribe as "amazing". My kids like her and I have talked with her family. And we are currently trying to find out about getting married, although it is looking like it might be easier to wait till she is out!

We just last night had this discussion about scammers and she told me that she sees it. but she also said that there are alot of woman that are genuine. I look at it this way, scammers are not just locked up behind walls they are out here in the free world too. So with all that said, I know I will be standing at the gate with bells on the day they finally set her free!!!
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Old 03-02-2008, 10:20 PM
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howard...NJ makes it VERY difficult to get married while in state prison! it's easy to do it in county but state...very hard. it's so much easier and less expensive to wait! i've gone thru the whole process in county and then he got shipped to state dats before we were supposed to get married!! state gave us SO many problems that we just said "f- it" and decided to wait till he is home. if you give it a go, good luck. i hope its easier for you...if you decide to wait then cool. it would be nice to have a more proper wedding outside of jail anywyas =) hehe. good luck either way!! she will be home soon =)
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Old 03-02-2008, 10:29 PM
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Oly and howard; Welcome to PTO and the wives and girlfriends forum. Glad you guys decided to drop a line. We are always in the market for more people in our little world.

Oly, if you decide to write which is a noble thing; just be careful and feel it out. If she is on the up and up you will know it very quickly be the things she asks you to do or things she doesn't ask of you. There are legitimate ladies who are genuiely looking for just male friendship.

Howard, kuddos for you. That is a very heart warming story. God bless you.
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Old 03-08-2008, 11:19 AM
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i discovered a ad from my SO 2 years ago...she had no explanation except others did it...then i knew she was playing me but i will be the friend that she needs and everyone deserves..but i do not have any fantasies about anything else other than that...a cheater is a cheater whether in or out..
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Old 03-11-2008, 08:28 PM
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Set your boundaries. Be firm. If the relationship is honest and real, then it won't depend on how much money you send in. Also, NEVER send money or boxes to other inmates or people outside at her request, unless you are comfortable with that. NEVER do it for purposes of extortion. Extortion of your inmate loved one is AGAINST THE LAW. This should be reported to the prison ISU (Internal Security Unit). Sorry, but illegal is illegal. If you are willing to break the laws... well..... this includes leaving tobacco or drugs in the flowerbeds in the yards outside of Visiting, etc.
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Old 03-12-2008, 03:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteLoves
This then begs the question from me: IF the majority of incarcerated women are heterosexual and they place an ad, why wouldn't it be hoping for 'real' relationships with men according to their natural sexual orientation instead of most of them just being out to scam some guy when they already have a (lesbian-type) girlfriend?
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The motivation for action rarely evolves from a single factor. There are a multiplicity of reasons for an incarcerated woman placing an ad and the strength of each of those reasons is dependent on many more factors than can be calculated here. For instance, a woman serving life w/o might harbor buried hopes that she will find a 'real' relationship but that is almost certainly ancillary to the dreams of finding someone to provide for her. On the other hand, a woman serving two years might be more emotionally prepared to hope for love.

I'd like to point out though that predation is alive and well on both sides of the walls...years ago there was a show on the Biography channel about a thirty-year old woman who was in prison for aggravated murder. The show concentrated on her parole board hearing and a man she had milked for many thousands of dollars. It turns out that he was not the first and he certainly was not the last. On the show, she was asked by the parole board, “What kind of women places an ad on a website called, ‘Jailbabes’?” She responded, “What kind of man goes on a website called 'Jailbabes' to find someone with a personality he likes?”

She had a point.
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Old 03-12-2008, 09:18 PM
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Both things you do for survival inside. Yah I hooked up (nothin sexual not really but we petted inside with my honey. And yah I had tricks on the outside I didnt have an ad but my honey and a bunch of other chicks would and theyd send me some of theres when they got too many for a book of stamps or whatever. It was a good investmint cause buying an address for a book of stamps you could almost always get two (at least) back, boxes and book money (but that was half taken by the CDC thieves so stamps or boxes were better). Usually the guys were so pathetic all you had to do was say youre cute if I wasnt locked up i could totally see myself with you or whatever and boom, instant sugardaddie. You dont promise anything and your doing nothing wrong just survivin, all the chicks inside were running game on guys outside. Why we werent looking for hetro men on the outside? Just keepin real we laughed about them mostly they were kinda pathetic.

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Originally Posted by CharlotteLoves
We were discussing over in the husband/bf forum about women who place prison pen pal ads. I've noticed that for the websites who record page views, the women's ads get A LOT of viewing traffic online. Also much like the men's ads, they typically seem to be looking for contact with someone of the opposite sex seemingly for dating purposes by the wording of their ads.

I likewise noticed that there are very few men in this forum compared to how many women regularly visit the husband/bf forum. I wondered if it was because there aren't many women in prison compared to men to begin with, or if the men responding to the women's ads usually don't progress far enough with the women in relationship scenarios to make visiting the forum of any importance to them to obtain friend support.

BD and mrschris mentioned something that didn't occur to me. That there may be a lot of women in prison who are only trying to scam the men who write to them for money on their books, etc., and that these women may often already have 'girlfriend' relationships going on the inside while they are writing to the men.

I had been thinking about maybe men writing to those women just for sex talk and such without considering being truly serious with them in a real relationship, but BD and mrschris mention the situation of scamming and women already being with each other in relationships in prison even before they place the ad.

Something about this doesn't sit quite right with me, it gives me questions. I mean, I'm sure that some women in prison do this, no doubt. I'm also aware that a lot of women in prison tend much more to try to form 'family-type' unit relationships with other women for emotional reasons while they are incarcerated together, much moreso than men in the same situation do.

On the other hand, I don't really think there are that many of what one could call true 'lesbians' in prison. I'm sure there are some, but I don't think it would be most women. I think if many women engage in 'girlfriend' type relationships in prison, it's mainly for emotional reasons (although same-sex 'situational' acts may also be included in the behavior because there are few viable men around in person).

So, I'm thinking this plus also considering what many people say about how men don't confuse sex with love, but a lot of women do.

This then begs the question from me: IF the majority of incarcerated women are heterosexual and they place an ad, why wouldn't it be hoping for 'real' relationships with men according to their natural sexual orientation instead of most of them just being out to scam some guy when they already have a (lesbian-type) girlfriend?

Thoughts, anyone?
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Old 03-12-2008, 09:32 PM
blink88 blink88 is offline
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LOL visits are okay for the food, but ''Most of all, they afford the incarcerated lady a chance to touch, and be touched, in an affectionate manner. ...and yes, even a hug, and couple of stolen kisses.

For many ladies, the contact visits alone, (forget the money) get them through the week.''

LOL. Man, trust me, theres enough chance to touch affectionate with hugs and kisses on the inside, both con and cop.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kay's man 4ever
1). I am sure you assumed this in your discussions so far, but contact visits NOW are also highly prized by a lady in prison.

Here in California prisons, (but not for my wife) contact visits are as long as 6 hours on Sat and 6 hours on Sunday.

Granted,these visits are behind walls, but they take place in a semi-normal atmosphere of a big cafeteria type setting with a large outdoor patio, often full of smiling people dressed in colorful (non prison) clothes, eating better food (for all) and laughing children playing on a swing set(s) in fresh air.

Thus, the contact visits are a real way to rekindle the incarcerated lady's sense of humanity by engaging in happy get to gethers that take them far way from the prison if but for 12 hours a week.

Most of all, they afford the incarcerated lady a chance to touch, and be touched, in an affectionate manner. ...and yes, even a hug, and couple of stolen kisses.

For many ladies, the contact visits alone, (forget the money) get them through the week.

2). As for your other point, from personal experience the percentage of ladies getting visits is pitifully small, probably ranging in the single digit % wise.

Of these, very few are husbands.

of these,very few are MWI husbands.

If there is a golden crown for a loyal man, it is the MWI fiance/husband for he has made the ultimate life's choice based on faith, in spite of overwhelming odds.

Jack
(Glass visits only, like Hanibal Lecter )
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