Just got back from my 1st visit!

[California Sunshine]

To the Bay.It was a wonderful visit! I got to hug him,kiss him and hold his hand for 6 hours! Everyone was nice to us newbies,a very sweet lady took us under her wing and her husband gave us his photo duckett to take a picture with because she visits him every weekend and he said he can get pictures whenever they want.It was so sweet of them,I was so touched! He ate $ 30.00 worth of vending machine food in the visit room! Ha Ha Ha! The hotel Best Value Inn in Crescent City was very reasonable and about 15 minutes from PB.The owners and everyone who worked there were very friendly.The drive there and back was absolutly horrible! It was 7 hours through little,curvey,mountain roads,in the dark,in the rain,with deer everywhere and even a black bear! I was freaking out I had never seen one like that before! We took two seperate routes there and back and they were both bad.We ended up pulling off and staying an extra night last night because I simply could not see to drive and couldn't do it anymore! But it was worth it for those 6 hours.It was the first time his Mom had seen him in almost a year and it was the first time I had seen him in about four years!
This visit was very emotional for me it was more then just my first visit it was also testing myself to see how I really feel about this man now as he is my one and only love whom I was with for many years many years ago.We have only been back in contact for about a year and have been talking of dating when he is home and seeing where it may lead.I knew I loved him,I always have but laying eyes on him again saturday morning made it all the more real.I love him with all my heart . I have worked hard to ignore those feelings and supress them for many years due to our break up,other relationships and his lifestyle choice.Seeing him made it impossible to ignore or hide any longer.Unfortunatly while he does love me I realize that it isn't as strong as my feelings for him nor is it enough to make him want to be in a commited one on one relationship with me again when he gets home.He didn't say that,it's what he didn't say when I expressed myself like a complete idiot on the phone today that made me realize my feelings are much stronger.I had no business laying it on him while he is in there,he has told me before he doesn't feel it is the right time or place to try and figure out what his real feelings are and what he really wants as it is a cold,lonely place that makes you want any contact you can get.I undrstand that and agree I want his feelings to be based on what he really feels not on lonliness or need of the person helping him get through his time but I opened my fat mouth anyways! I'm a mess,I feel like a fool and like my heart is going to break all over again like it did many years ago by not being with him if that is what happens.I'm not sure where this will lead or what will happen when he gets home in a few short months but I do know I love him and I hope we do have a second chance at a relationship beyond "dating" but whatever happens those 6 hours were priceless.

[LeaAnn]

I am glad to hear that your visit went well.

[kintml2u]

To bad the weather wasn't nice for the ride....but I am gald your visit went well too!

[haswtch]

It sounds to me like he is trying to potect you an himself, and I bet what you told him about your feelings rocked his world in a really good way. Don't feel like a fool just because he didn't say the same things back. he's way outta practice! Go slow and give it all time. "No matter what happens those six hours were priceless"- that's the spirit!

[Barbara]

OH I am so happy you had a good visit and I am sure he was thrilled to see you too. That place does funny things to people so just sit back and enjoy what you have for now. Love Barb

[matyrylgrl]

I'm so happy to hear that you had a great visit. Don't feel like a fool about what you did, just remember those 6 wonderful hours you spent with him.

[California Sunshine]

Thanks all
BTW they mean serious business there ! I had on a sweater that had cuffs and a collar with just maybe an inch of a V type neck line and the guard when we first walked in said he didnt think that would do,that no low cut stuff is allowed ( I swear to you if that was in ANY way low cut then I am the queen of England ha ha and I sure wouldn't have worn it ) but he relented and said if I pulled it up a little bit closer to the neck it would be ok.Thank goodness I was so nervous and afraid I'd have to go change and cut into our visiting time.

[Joanna]

I’m so pleased that the visit went well, did you get on the hospitality bus to the prison?

I’m sorry to hear that your feeling a bit of a mess now but I don’t think you did the wrong thing by telling him how you feel, as Barbara said that place does funny things and he is probably trying to protect you, I hope for you both that things work out the way you want them too when he finally goes home!!!

So the main thing is, will you be braving that scary ride to go see him again??

[California Sunshine]

Joanne I didn't take the hospitality bus I just drove my car there.
I actually won't be doing the drive again because he gets out mid January! I was thinking about checking into flights for another visit but I think I should probably just chill out and let whatever is going to happen play itself out over these next 2 -3 months before he comes home.

[Joanna]

Well good luck with everything!

[California Sunshine]

Oh I forgot to say when I talked with him on Sunday he said he had gotten sick from eating so much food on Saturday! That's what $30 of vending machine food will do to ya! Little piggy LOL No seriously I felt bad that he got sick but he sure did eat a ton! 3 icecreams,2 burritos,2 sandwiches,a mini pizza,chips,soda etc!

[Joanna]

Well I'm not surprised my hubby tells me the food in PB is disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bscotch55]

I'm going up next weekend to visit my brother for the first time in 7 years. It has been that long because of the lockdown and also him moving to the SHU and him not wanting me to make the drive that I haven't seen him. Anyhoo, I'm flying into Oakland and driving up. I'm dragging a friend with me because I was a little neverous about that 7 hour drive by myself. Plus I don't see that well at night. But from the recommendations here at PTO, I did book at the Best Value Inn. I'm glad you put some info about the drive so I know what to expect. I just hope it is not raining up there. I live in So Cal. I am a little nervous though, I have never liked going to the prisons. It is a very strange atmosphere, and I hate leaving my brother there when I leave. You want to say come on and get in the car and let's go home. But you ladies have given me a lot of info here, so I thank you in advance. Visiting at Calipatria and Salinas Valley were never that bad. Except for giving me a hard time about an underwire bra. But I will let everyone know how it goes.

Tiffany

[California Sunshine]

May I ask what route you are taking there? I tried one there and a different one on the way home.In my opinion I 5 to 299 was much better then I 5 to Hwy 20 to 101. 101 to 20 is a beautifull drive but it seemed longer and just worse in general. I really liked the area and some of the cute coastal towns we passed through I just didn't like the mountains on the way!

Have a wonderful visit and be sure to tell us all about it! I want to hear what you think of the drive also.I'm wondering if I'm just a big chicken.

[California Sunshine]

Sidenote about my coming clean to him about my feelings.I think he is distancing himself from me now and it makes me terribly sad He hasn't called since Sunday morning which is highly unusual .I did get a letter but it was short and didn't mention anything to deep.
I'm wishing my phone would ring,I miss him!