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Straight Talk The general Ex-Offender discussion forum. If you have done time, this forum is for you.

View Poll Results: Is it reasonable to expect a long-term male inmate to be faithful upon release?
Yes, if a man is truly in love he will be faithful whether he was in prison a long time or not 251 92.62%
No, she should understand and accept he may want to "sow his oats" after being inside so long 20 7.38%
Voters: 271. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 12-10-2007, 09:02 AM
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Default Question for X-offenders / Is it fair or realistic?

This is something extensively debated in other forums and I'm hoping to get the honest opinions of people who have actually been inside.

Do you think it is reasonable to expect a man who has been incarcerated many years and then released to be physically faithful to only one woman? The woman who "held him down" waiting on the release to happen so they could be together?

If you think yes, add to the equation that the man went in at a young age
without the opportunity to have had a lot of sexual experience prior to his incarceration that he might otherwise have had before deciding to marry. He's released in his 30's or 40's. Is it fair for the woman in love with him to expect him to come out to her and not feel a need to at least experiement sexually with another woman or women besides her?

Should she not be surprised if he decides to have at least one liason after his release even if he does appear to love her in other ways and indicates he wishes to stay partnered with her over the long-term?

Is faithfulness fair for her to expect of such a person?
Is faithfulness realistic for her to expect?
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Old 12-11-2007, 03:02 PM
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In my opinion, expectations should be based on what he promised. If he promised to be faithful then that is what should be expected and delivered. If he has said nothing; if there were no marriage vows or promises made, then all bets are off.

If the woman wants faithfulness in return for sticking with him through his incarceration, she should ask him for it.

If he isn't willing to make the promise then she knows that sex is more important to him than their relationship and can react in a way that suits herself best. If he does promise, then she has every right to expect him to keep it regardless of the other "delights" he will have to "sacrifice".
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Old 12-11-2007, 04:46 PM
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I don't think prison or anything else has to do with faithfulness. It is ones character..
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:54 PM
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I agree with the above poster. At the end of the day the other " realistic" way to look at It Is he hasnt had any sexual activity at all ( less hes Bi ) over that time so a guy who was always a one woman man to start would be more then Impressed with one woman of action.

And If he was your partner when he went In - why wouldnt you expect him to remain faithful once out .. unless he was the sort that wouldve slept with other women behind your back free anyway.
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:29 PM
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I should have clarified a little more. The woman in question would be someone he met while he was incarcerated. Not someone who knew him before he went in. Someone he met while doing his bid and they developed a relationship and she waited for him for however long (1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc.) to be released so they could be together on the outside.

There are some who think to expect a man in such circumstances to be faithful only to her upon his release for the rest of their lives is being unrealistic. The ideal is that he would be, but reality (they say) is that he probably wouldn't. Temptation and curiosity to experiement with at least a brief encounter with another woman would probably get the best of him eventually. Simply because of the nature of men in general with the additional factors involved of him being incarcerated without physical intimacy for so long, plus not having had a generally "traditional" amount of time in early manhood to "sow his oats".

Additionally, the same people think that he wouldn't necessarily cheat out of any desire to hurt the woman he committed himself to, and may in fact, intend to remain with her over the long term, but that typically men view sex and love as 2 separate things so it would be much easier for a man in his place to be physically intimate with a woman other than the one he professed to love and then return home to the loved woman at the end of the night.

I wish some previously incarcerated men would choose to reply to this thread. At least they would have some kind of an idea of how the man in the situation might feel in order to perhaps offer some insight as to whether the additional factors would present a significant likelihood in not being able to maintain fidelity post-incarceration. Or, if ultimately the factors (long prison term, incarceration from an early age) would have a minimal impact on the outcome of the "faithfulness question".
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Old 12-15-2007, 05:27 PM
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I think it is fair to think however realistic not. My boyfriend has been in their for 5 years I wasn't with him throughout his bid. We were friends and I have known him for 11 years but I do know that he will be good for a little while then probably cheat. He tells me he won't but all men cheat. I do't know what to do or how to feel cause my cousin did 8 years and he retold my letter without even seeing it. H says all men spit game in prison trying to hold on to something on the outisde. What ya'll think?
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Old 12-19-2007, 01:15 PM
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It all depends on the person... each person would be different.
If the guy is ready then it doesn't matter when and where he met her he will stick to his word and be faithful.
If he is not in that mindframe then he is going to do what he wants to do with anybody and everybody.
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Old 12-20-2007, 01:25 PM
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I think a lot of it has to do with the person. But I think some of it has to do with where you are in your relationship. If your just starting to date or if you have been dating for a while. It depends on many factors and siutations. Hard to say yes or no.
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Old 12-20-2007, 04:09 PM
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I somehow doubt that ex-inmates want to comment on this thread.... well unless they are confident that they could stay faithful. I think the silence in itself speaks volumes.

Maybe faithfulness is realistic and fair to expect at first. But what about down the road? Let's say 5-10 years? Someone goes in at 17-18, comes out at say 30 or so... at 35 or 40 things have started to be "routine" for the couple. Will he start thinking then that it would have been fun to at least try to be with another woman?

If we put ourselves in their shoes.... would you have wanted to miss the time you were "playing" around? Getting that experience? I wouldn't have wanted to miss it... I don't need to do it anymore. But it's an important part of growing up in my opinion. Most people don't want to enter into marriage being a virgin for the exact same reasons. Why should something else apply to long term inmates who went in at a young age?

Just a few thoughts to throw around the pond.
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Old 12-20-2007, 06:19 PM
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I have no problem commenting as an ex inmate but theres so many variables to really think about. The word realistic is not really the correct word to use in order to get a true answer though.You would have to expect different results based on different circumstances. Some of those circumstances being age(as some have already pointed out ) and an even bigger factor i believe is age + how many times they have been inside. If older ( im using early 40s and older in my eqauation) and first time and faithful on the outside then yes its very realistic. Unfortunately statistics would probably say that this is a very small majority of those inside. If younger and doing a second or more time inside then most likely not . Theres definately a anti social aspect to them(and im not using anti social as a diagnosis but more of a attitude) and a very selfish outlook. those who go back on probabtion or parole violation arnt just being stupid or have a assinine po but more so a lack of repsect or thought to those who they have a responsiblity to outside of themselves. This being as it is i would expect a large number to cheat or decide that the relationship is not what they want when released. Hopefully they would be upfront and open about it but alas most wont be .

Now on the other hand the expectations of those waiting on those inside to get released i also belive arnt very realistic . The process of getting out and re-entering society is not really so much tough a s it is strange and akward. where as the woman who has been waiting wants affection and in some ways smothering it is very much the exact opposite of what the ex-inmate needs or can even handle. remember whether it was a short sentence or a long one they have literally had no time at all whatsoever by themselves. It is a long process that if done right can work out beautifully . everything once out becomes a first again . First time driving first pizza,chinese, being waited on and so on and so on . Some of the simplest things are so huge to that person. But when they cant really do that it becomes frustrating and thats where problems will arise. I believe from experience that most mwi will not work(i did not have one but on the whole most where i was were just playing games . Some had good intentions but there w as no way opnce relaesed they wanted a relationship.)

Sex... This might cause alot of arguments but its not the biggest thing once released. Most always talk about it inside and from many posts on here the ones waiting a lso . The problem is that its not a physical thing ints a emotional and intimacy thing being missed and craved. The physical release of an orgasm can be obtained by both sides while apart and does. Its the intimacy that is not talked about inside but really is the underlying thing being said. The problem is that upon release intimacy is not possible immediately .

Any way those my my thoughts and opinions absed upon not just my experience but what i experienced inside. My time was not horrible and wasnt permantely institutionalized mentally yet it has taken a long slow time to really feel normal again . I chose to take things slow and it has worked pretty w ell so far but it isnt easy and is still an ongoing process. There is hope and it is possible but everyone must understand that it takes time, luck and alot of understanding. Something very hard to give from both sides
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Old 12-21-2007, 02:52 AM
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Thank you, gsr67, for giving such a thoughtful and candid response to the thread topic. I believe I understand the various things you were saying throughout your response and they do make a lot of sense to me.

If possible, I would like to investigate a couple of areas of your response a little further.

I find the intimacy aspect you brought up very interesting. My observation has been that while some do, many men in life in general do not desire much emotional intimacy. Take the sex part completely out for a moment. Do you think these men inside often crave emotional intimacy, or are they really craving non-sexual physical intimacy? Being hugged, touching and being touched in non-threatening, non-authoritative ways such as by family members and friends? Or would it be best to say it is a a fairly equal combination of both (emotional & non-sexual)? Have I been failing to see and recognize something that is really inside many adult men, or is it just that society typically encourages men to obscure that part of themselves so well, as for many of the rest of us to not recognize it exists much at all?

Moving on to factors involved in living post-incarceration, even though they have this strong craving, because of something like the "sensory overload" and newness release brings (especially to a very long-term incarcerated individual) it would be unwise to try to completely satiate that craving a great deal initially or even in one prolonged instance. Like a starving person. They want so many things but if you give them a huge, decadent meal, they can become very sick or even die. So you have to start them out giving things little by little so their bodies can work up to being able to consume what might be considered a normal meal to others who aren't starving. Those doing the waiting on need to be mindful of this if they want the transition as a "freeworld couple" to be successful, yes?

You mentioned that many mwi's may not be successful. That for even those who had good intentions, they (like the ones playing games) would not want a relationship upon release. Why do you think that is? Is it because they would want to start out with a clean slate and just worry about being a person all by themselves on their own, or some other reason? Why might they newly wish to sever something that had given them positive support and attention while they were incarcerated?

Thanks again for your comments. I appreciated them and I think they went a ways toward helping me consider the issue in greater depth with some detail. That's exactly what I was hoping to do.

Good luck to you in continuing on your successful path toward feeling completely normal again.

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Originally Posted by gsr67
I have no problem commenting as an ex inmate
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Old 12-25-2007, 11:23 AM
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I have a brother who has only been with two women. He is in his 50's. The first wife died. He has been married to the second one for over 20 years. My dad was married to my mom for 35 years. He sewed his oats by the time he was 18. He was married to my mom till the day he died. I know alot of guys who have not been with dozens of women to find out exactly what all is available in the meat market. That is not foremost on thier minds. What is important is how the woman they are with can make their lives complete. I think if I had been in prison, just the fact that I had a woman that I could lay beside every single night, instead of a photo, would be more than I could ever hope for.
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Old 01-29-2008, 06:51 PM
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I did 9 1/2 years, from age 18-28. I was some what sexually active before I went to prison. My girl when I went in, had 3 kids during that time. Her concept of "holding me down" lasted about 6 months. \

No hard feelings.

I am home now. I am married and don't cheat on my wife. I had a few encounters when I did come home. But, I am commited to my relationship now.


Who knows what your man will do. All you can do, is be faithful YOURSELF. If he does you dirty when he comes home, at least you can feel good with the fact that you tried your hardest; instead of hoping he doesn't find out about what you've been doing between writing all those sweet letters.
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Old 02-13-2008, 12:30 AM
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A man who's been incarcerated for a long time and had a woman by his side when she didn't have to be, would be a fool to let that be tarnished simply just to "sow his oats" There are obviously alot of things he didn't get to do (DUE TO CHOICES) however, the woman that stood at his side put alot of things aside to wait also. I think It does depend on the person (on any issue really) but...I would not accept that and feel that any man that is appreciative of what he has would never risk that after the knowledge of so many things he took for granted and then was denied for years....real things, not just a roll in the hay!
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Old 02-14-2008, 10:27 PM
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Default Is it realistic?

I think it depends on the man. His upbringing. His values. Whether he is an honest person to begin with.
I have noticed that a person's personality, when it is strong, can remain strong over time and through hard times.
A person who's personality is not so strong, could possibly be easily influenced.
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Old 03-06-2008, 05:19 AM
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yes and no. did i? no. think there are a few factors. how old when they started their bid and how much time they did. there was a woman i met that did the last couple years with me. quite beautiful on the inside and out. we decided that i would not move in with her right off because she had two young boys (8 & 11) and it wouldn't be fair for me to just move in without building a friendship/trust with them first. so, we were 40 miles apart. probably didn't mater. i was like a kid in a candy store, seing 2 - 3 women at once. one thing i did right was being honest with her. it took me a good year before i would learn how to settle down some. met my current wife of 7 years shortly after and had my first child (daughter now 6) . i often think about her, how i shattered her heart. as much as i cared for her i can say i wouldn't change my life for the world. over the years my wife has taught me so much. taught me how to be a better man, how to be a husband. she was young when we first got together. it worked out for the best as we have (are) learning to tackle life together, one step at a time.

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Old 06-24-2008, 01:36 PM
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I agree with most everyone else. There are no absolutes. Some inmates will come out and be extremely faithful to their partner, others won't. I believe it's based on a person's character and their choices. Everything in life is about choices. I'm sure he will have temptation, but if he has strong character, than anyone can overcome temptation. We all have temptations, not just inmates. Good luck to you. ~Andi
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Old 06-24-2008, 01:53 PM
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Nobody should make that commitment unless they are going to follow through.
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Old 07-12-2008, 10:11 PM
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After serving a long sentence I hooked up with a nice girl, but I strayed bad. I was still young almost 30 and just couldn't resist. After years of chasing skirts I finally setteled down and remained faithful to another woman. Just young and dumb.
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Old 09-09-2008, 12:47 AM
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Good morning.
I suspect there is no way to determine if a relationship that starts in prison will last after release. The factors go beyond comprehension.
I personally know two that have been married for over 10 years with the ladies they married while in prison. I also know many who were married after prison with the women they met while in prison. Some make it, some don't.
Check the marriage/divorce rate of the age, education, color and ethnic back grouond and the stats change again.
Humans are only responsible for their own behavior (my opinion). If one is happy, experience, enjoy and relish the relationship--marriage.
Good luck.
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Old 11-27-2008, 12:26 AM
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Without a doubt. It boils down to realizing there's very few people in the world that will stick with you through thick n thin. And if you find someone that's like that you gotta try n keep him/her. I did 7 1/2 yrs straight met my wife bout 6 mo after and got married. I love my new life and appreciate what she's willing to do for me. At the same time i show my loyalty and dedication to her all the time. However a man's mental strength depends on his future. Should he become weak and return to his old ways or temptation gets the best of him you can just forget it.
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Old 12-12-2008, 10:00 AM
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I spent time inside and I can tell you that I don't think most people are faithful to their mates while there. But, then again, I don't think most people are faithful regardless. When I was young and still believed in things like that, I thought it was possible. Now that I'm not so young, I don't believe it anymore. It's not that I don't want faithfulness; it's just that I think human instincts are not easy to control and the sex instinct is one that almost no one can predict.
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Old 02-23-2009, 07:00 PM
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I think it all depends on the individual. I can speak from my heart though and I love my fiance with every beat of my heart. She is the most beautiful and wonderful thing that God ever created,in my eyes. I would never do anything to hurt her in anyway. I would pull the heart out of my chest if she needed me too. I cherish her and I always will and nothing would ever change that. I don't care if I was away from her for years I would remain faithful and keep longing for her. Our love is strong and nothing,not the BOP,FBI,TBI,IRS or anything can touch our love.
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  #24  
Old 03-24-2009, 06:10 AM
BlueEyedEllie BlueEyedEllie is offline
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Originally Posted by bow-hunter View Post
I think it all depends on the individual. I can speak from my heart though and I love my fiance with every beat of my heart. She is the most beautiful and wonderful thing that God ever created,in my eyes. I would never do anything to hurt her in anyway. I would pull the heart out of my chest if she needed me too. I cherish her and I always will and nothing would ever change that. I don't care if I was away from her for years I would remain faithful and keep longing for her. Our love is strong and nothing,not the BOP,FBI,TBI,IRS or anything can touch our love.
beautiful!!!
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  #25  
Old 03-24-2009, 06:41 AM
SugarGirl SugarGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by CharlotteLoves View Post
This is something extensively debated in other forums and I'm hoping to get the honest opinions of people who have actually been inside.

Do you think it is reasonable to expect a man who has been incarcerated many years and then released to be physically faithful to only one woman? The woman who "held him down" waiting on the release to happen so they could be together?

If you think yes, add to the equation that the man went in at a young age
without the opportunity to have had a lot of sexual experience prior to his incarceration that he might otherwise have had before deciding to marry. He's released in his 30's or 40's. Is it fair for the woman in love with him to expect him to come out to her and not feel a need to at least experiement sexually with another woman or women besides her?

Should she not be surprised if he decides to have at least one liason after his release even if he does appear to love her in other ways and indicates he wishes to stay partnered with her over the long-term?

Is faithfulness fair for her to expect of such a person?
Is faithfulness realistic for her to expect?
I think it's completely fair to expect faithfulness. Maybe not as realistic if this is already coming up before he is out of prison. That is a big red flag.

I'm not sharing my guy sexually with anybody.
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