I Need A Little Advice

mari · #1 07-23-2002, 12:32 AM

I DONT NOW EXACTLY WHO TO RUN TO WITH THIS SUBJECT BUT I FIGURED THAT MAYBE YOU GUYS CAN GIVE SOME ADVICE...WELL AS I HAD SAID BEFORE IM SUPPOSE TO GET MARRIED WITH MY BABYS FATHER WHICH I LOVE VERY MUCH..WELL RECENTLY I MET A GUY HES FROM HERE IN CALI AND HE LIVES IN L.A WHICH IS PRETTY FAR FROM MY HOUSE..5HRS WELL I WENT TO L.A FOR THE WEEKEND CAUSE MY MOM WANTED TO GO SEE HER FAMILY. ANYWAYS I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WITH THIS GUY BUT HE SEEMS LIKE HE KINDA LIKES ME HE KNOWS I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND THAT I HAVE A SON WITH HIM BUT HE DOSENT KNOW THAT WE'LL BE GETTING MARRIED SOMETIME THIS YEAR.. AND I LIKE SPEAKING TO HIM OVER THE PHONE AND WE CHAT ON AOL ALL THE TIME..IM NOT CONFUSSED ABOUT LOVING MY MAN BUT I JUST WANT TO NKOW IF ITS WRONG FOR ME TO BE MEETING OTHER MALES AND HAVING THEM CALL ME AND STUFF AS FRIENDS..IS IT WRONG SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY...I CANT TELL MY BOYFRIEND CAUSE AS IT IS HE REALLY DOSENT LIKE ME GOING OUT I THINK THATS WHY I FEEL EVEN WORSE.SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY FOR HAVING GUY FRIENDS...SHOULD I TELL MY GUY???

KConnor56 · #2 07-23-2002, 04:17 AM

Mari,

I debated whether to respond to your post. What I'm going to say belive me comes from the heart & with respect. I realize there is a chance that it may be taken wrong. Being that I don't know the 3 of you personally I can only speak from my experiances, & in general terms. You may not like what I have to say, & many here will also probably disagree with me on this. But if we are truly a PTO family thats what happens in families, sometimes they disagree. It is also the reason I decided to respond to your post. Sometimes, I don't say things the right way & I come across as an asshole, & if that happens here I appologize ahead of time. It's not my intention to be cold & heartless.

You say you are feeling guilty, I think thats because you know what your doing isn't right. You should never do anything you wouldn't tell your B/F or husband about. If you have to hide then your doing something wrong.

You should check out the thread on "Jody". When I was in Ireland there were people who would take care of prisoners wives, mostly ex-prisoners or people in one of the prisoners support groups. I learned there, of all the problems specific to being a prisoners wife. One of the reasons there was such intrest paid to them was so they wouldn't get involved with other men. They are very vulnerable & easy prey. So any man who paid the wrong kind of attention to a prisoners wife was dissuaded from pursuing her any further. There are a lot of men who view prisoners G/F's or wives as easy prey, & conquest. They don't have to worry about the girl getting attatched because she is waiting for the husband to get out. You might not want sex or closeness or what ever from him but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it from you. I am one of those in the camp that says women & men can't be just friends. YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE!! If you start seeing this guy. Whether or not just talking on the phone & chatting on AOL is OK or not, that's between you three. I wouldn't have a problem if my wife did only that. It's just that I don't trust guys motives when it comes to women. Every instance of "Jody" coming onto the scene they all start out as "just friends", the guys are all nice, & understanding, & great listeners. they weasel their way in get what they want & toss the girl like a used kleenex, leaving a wrecked relationship in the wake, & a guy sitting in prison going through such mental torcher that many try suicide, or nut up & take others out with them.

Mari, your getting ready to get married, don't start by hiding things from your B/F. As for male friends, thats something you need to work out with your husband. If your going to continue have talks with this guy & meeting him then you should tell your B/F, but realize it will drive him up a wall, & if driving him up a wall is worth it then there it is there. If your not going to meet him, & your just going to talk about stuff everyonce in awhile then he probably doesn't need to know.

Listen to your feelings, they are telling you something for a reason. There are a few women I talk to through e-mails occasionally, who have a spouse locked up, we will probably never meet, but it not about that anyway, & when the subject comes up as to what to tell their husbands or B/F & I tell them to do what they feel is right, without exception they all have decided to tell their B/F, or husband. Which for me is the right thing to do, but I can't speak for others.

Well, thats my two cents. Take care darlin, & do some soul searching.--------Ken

aprilcat · #3 07-23-2002, 06:32 AM

ken put things perfectly, mari. when you committed yourself to your baby's father, you knew he was in prison. that was something you accepted at the time, and you need to hold true to your committment. if things have changed, then you need to be open and honest with your boyfriend. it's not fair to him and he is not in a position where he can even know what's really going on, and he relies on you for the truth.

i know things get lonely for you, but persuing/cheating with another man won't help matters in the long run, they will only complicate things.

good luck!

Budwoman · #4 07-23-2002, 08:07 AM

MARI:

KEN IS SPEAKING TO YOU FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE.... I DO KNOW THAT IF YOU FEEL GUILTY, THEN IT IS DEFINATELY A WRONG THING TO DO.... THIS CAN CAUSE YOU AND YOUR BABY'S FATHER A LOT OF HEARTACHE AND PAIN.... THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DECISIONS THAT DO BRING CONSEQUENCES....

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU TO PICK THE RIGHT THING TO DO..

DONNA

sherri13 · #5 07-23-2002, 08:43 AM

MARI-PLEASE WHATEVER YOU DO, BE HONEST, NOT ONLY WITH YOUR FIANCEE, AND YOUR NEW FRIEND, BUT ALSO WITH YOURSELF. DECEIT CAN ONLY LEAD TO DISASTER. AS KEN SAID, YOU NEED TO DO SOME SOUL SEARCHING-ARE YOU REALLY READY TO GET MARRIED? IS IT WORTH JEAPORDIZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FIANCEE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THIS NEW FRIEND? ARE YOU FEELING MORE FOR THE NEW FRIEND THAT YOU ARE ACKNOWLEDGING TO YOURSELF ? THESE ARE ALL QUESTIONS ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER. REMEMBER ALSO THAT WHEN YOU ARE A PARENT THAT EVERYTHING YOU DO IS SETTING AN EXAMPLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN. SO MAKE SURE THE THINGS YOU DO ARE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT YOUR SON TO EMULATE. GOOD LUCK- I KNOW THIS IS A TOUGH SITUATION, BUT IT IS GOOD THAT YOU ARE MAKING DECISIONS TO DO SOMETHING NOW ABOUT IT. TO CONTINUE AS IS COULD END UP HURTING A LOT OF PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK!

mari · #6 07-23-2002, 11:39 AM

thank u all very much u dont know how much help u guys have given me...im not ofended by anything u guys all said it actually made me see that no one is more important than my soon to be husband...i do love him dont get me wrong and i am ready to make a commitment with him and being honest is one of them i should have been honest with him to begin with..
Kconnor56 u made so much sence and dont worry i wasent ofended i just found my self a little lost and im glad that u gave ma some words of wisdom its a lot better hearing something like that comming from a guy... its not worth loosing him or making him feel bad over someone i just met..

CREAMYALMONDZ · #7 07-23-2002, 11:49 AM

As long as you keep it on the friendship level you have nothing to feel guilty about. Me on the other hand should feel guilty because of some things and some people that I have been getting in to lately...

love muffin · #8 07-23-2002, 02:01 PM

I think Ken, Sherri, and AprilCat have said it all right. If your heart truly belongs to your fiancee then there is no need for you to bring another male into the picture.

mari · #9 07-23-2002, 10:48 PM

CREAMYALMONDZ

GIRL WHAT HAVE U BEEN UP TO LATELY....
EVERYONE DID MAKE SENCE AND I APPRECIATE THE ADVICE I NOW I DONT NEED ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE I ALREADY HAVE TWO MY SON AND MY FIANCE I JUST THOUGHT ID HAVE A FRIEND BUT IF HES GONNA FUCK UP MY OUR RELATIONSHIP THAN THAT FRIEND AINT WORTH IT.....I LOVE MY BABY....
THANKS

Valerie · #10 07-23-2002, 11:31 PM

I agree with what everyone has to say,but I really do believe that a man and a women can just be friends,but it depends on the people as true friends are hard to find.I'm blessed with many friends and some are men.But , you really don't know where this guy is coming from.

KelliKoz · #11 07-23-2002, 11:32 PM

Mari,

I will reiterate what everyone else is telling you. I love to dance for instance, but the only dancing I'm doing now is around my living room! It isn't worth it to put myself in situations that have no good outcome. Also, I always put myself in my fiancee's (husband in eight days) shoes. If he were the one in the free world and I was locked away and he was dancing or talking, or spending time on the internet with some girl how would I feel? I would feel insecure, cheated on, not worth it. I always tell my kids this "If it feels wrong, it is wrong." I know it is hard and you get lonely. In addition, being a child from a broken home, it is important to always keep a family intact. Sometimes abuse, addictions and adultery don't allow husbands and wives to do so, but no problem is insurmountable. Just my two cents for what it is worth, and a person who has been cheated on.

Kelli

mari · #12 07-24-2002, 12:48 AM

WELL ILL GIVE YOU GUYS AN UPDATE ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION....I TOLD MY FRIEND CEASER HOW IT WAS AND I TOLD HIM THAT HE CAN NO LONGER CALL ME OR ANYTHING...I TOLD HIM HOW MUCH I LOVED MY MAN AND HOW WE PLAN ON SPENDING THE REST OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER EVEN IF IT MEANS LONELYNESS FOR A WHILE...IM NOT THAT LONELY CAUSE THE THOUGHT OF HIM GETTING OUT SOME DAY HOPEFULLY SOON KEEPS ME GOING AND MY SON ALSO HAS A PART OF THAT...I THOUGHT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT YOU GUYS HAD TOLD ME AND SO I TOLD HIM HOW I SPOKE TO A FEW FRIENDS AND HOW THEY ENLIGHTEND ME..I TOLD HIM HOW I HAD TO BE REAL TO MY SELF AND HOW IF I FELT GUILTY OR WRONG THEN THERE HAD TO BE SOTHING WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION...HOW I HAD TO DO SOME SOUL SEARCHING AND THAT, THAT WAS THE REASON WHY I CAME TO MY DECITION....SO THERE WAS NO RESPONSE FROM HIM AND I LEFT IT LIKE THAT.....I THINK IT WAS BETTER THAT WAY ANYWAYSBUT IM GLAD THAT YOU GUYSS GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO....I ALSO TOLD MY MAN HOW IVE BEEN ON THE COMP CHATING AND EMAILING AND ALL THAT OTHER GOOD STUFF AND HOW IT WAS...I HOPE HE DOSENT GET ANGRY AND MOST OF ALL DISSAPOINTED IN ME...THANKS GUYS YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.....

Jeni · #13 07-24-2002, 01:22 AM

Mari, I think you got some great advice here, and I think that you did the right thing. I know you are lonely, hell, we are all lonely. That is why we are all here. I think if you feel that deep, never let go feeling, for your guy, you need to go with that. It's rough when you come across other guys that peak your interest, but, if they are good guys, they will understand the position that you are in. Good luck to you, and even though your not my "kid", I am completely proud of you. Keep the faith girl!!! I know sometimes it seems so unfair, and you get angry, and you get tempted. Maybe this is God's way of testing us! I don't know any other situation that we could go through that is like this. For example, I always had a hard time believing that my relationships were true. Well, probably because they weren't. AND, the majority of the time it was because of me. I have always had a hard time staying true to someone because for some reason, I got freaked out and felt clausterphobic. I have always ended up walking away for some other guy.(for no reason) Well now, I can walk away anytime I want, and the funny thing is I DON'T WANT TO! How crazy is that? I guess you know true love when it's there. You just feel it in your bones!!!!! Good luck to you sweetie and I hope for all the best for you!!!!

Jeni · #14 07-24-2002, 01:24 AM

Creamy Almondz Girl, what have you been doing????

KConnor56 · #15 07-24-2002, 09:42 AM

Mari,

I want to say that I agree with Jeni. What she said was right on!! I too am proud of you. It took a lot of courage to open up to us, & let us comment on a very personal part of your life. It also takes a lot of courage to go through the self examination your putting your self through, soul searching is hard enough in the best of times. Your a good soul, as cold hearted cruel people don't ask the questions your asking, they don't care. It shows great character to look down a path before taking it. To read the signs before going full speeed ahead. I know because I have made those mistakes, & I have regretted them. Well, take care, love & respect-----Ken