Saw a child psych. yesterday...

lasseire · #1 07-16-2002, 02:23 PM

And I'm really kind of confused now. Our son, Max is 7 1/2. Our situation ~ Rick is scheduled for sentencing this Friday morning for software piracy, Fed. court. His range is 33-39 mos., with all of the other members of the group he was involved with receiving the minimums in each of their ranges. He's eligible for cooperation departure, but the govt. is playing games, and it doesn't look likely it will happen until AFTER Rick goes to prison.

Rick is the sole breadwinner, so once he leaves, Max & I will have to move out of our house and move in with my parents, an hour away. Which means, new school, new friends, etc., on top of not having his dad around. Alot of changes in a short amount of time.

We haven't said anything to Max about any of this yet. We were hoping we wouldn't have to, but now we will. We met this child psych. yesterday and told her the situation in hopes that she could give us a sense of how to tell Max without his world completely collapsing. She said to tell him the mildest possible form of the truth, or we could even tell him a "partial truth". But to not say jail or prison, bec. he won't be able to distinguish a "bad guy" w/ his dad. On one level, yeah, it would be nicer to lie and say daddy has to go away for work or something, but is that really healthy??? The bad part is we really have no idea how long he'll be gone ~ could be 3 mos., could be the whole 28 (w/ good time). How do you make a "half-truth" that can drag out that long??? And what to do about visiting? Rick will be sentenced to a federal camp, so it's fairly laid back. No cells, outside visitation, etc., but how do we explain why daddy is living there? Max can read very well, so there's no hiding where we're visiting. I don't want him to NOT visit his dad, but it all has to fit together.

I thought this would help us, but now I'm really more confused?? Can anyone help???? I guess my other concern is, what will Max tell his friends if they ask where his dad is?? I don't want him to be picked on if he does say my dad's in jail, but I don't want to teach him to lie, either? ACK! This is so hard.......I wish the govt. would consider how much this punishment is hurting an innocent child rather than the "criminal".

Thanks for listening,
Colleen

jdswifey02 · #2 07-16-2002, 02:32 PM

I am a child therapist and I can't believe that this professional would tell you to be dishonest... I would definitely encourage honesty!!! I mean, it sounds like Max is a smart kid.... what is it going to teach him when he figures out that you lied?? How will he feel then??? It is a reality... and it is one that your whole family will have to cope with together.... But be honest with your child... just explain it to him in a way he can understand....
As for his friends.... I would let him know that he doesn't really have to explain anything to others.... A very generic answer will suffice.... ie: I live with just my mom right now. It isn't like in today's society having only one parent around or living with other family members ie: his grandparents is really all that unusual.....

lasseire · #3 07-16-2002, 03:50 PM

I have to say that I was completely shocked when she said that it was ok to not tell him the truth!! I've been seeing a therapist for myself and she told me she thought it would cause more problems to lie and I agree. But then when this lady said it would be ok, I started to doubt what to do. I'm glad I posted this here, because knowing you all have been through it (or are a therapist!), I value your opinion more than someone I just met who has no direct experience of this situation.

Thanks so much for your suggestion ~ it goes along with what I was planning on telling people myself ~ "my husband doesn't live with us right now", sort of thing that you can tell casual aquaintances. I'm sure that Max can say the same thing if the need arises.

Thanks again,
Colleen

jdswifey02 · #4 07-16-2002, 06:37 PM

No problem....

I have worked with a lot of kids who have experienced a lot of really difficult things in their lives-- abuse, neglect, being removed from their parents, being abandoned.... if there is one thing I know... it is that they WANT to know the truth.... Kids get lied to all the time, or are given half truths... and from my experience that frustrates and hurts them more than anything.... as long as a child has love and is able to communicate, it is simply amazing how resilient they are.... Most times, they can cope better than us grown-ups....

Hang in there... you WILL make it through.... and so will Max....

sherri13 · #5 07-17-2002, 08:32 AM

I AM ALSO A THERAPIST ANS I AGREE 100% WITH SHAWNA--HONESTY IS THE WAY TO GO, IN AGE APPROPRIATE TERMS

lasseire · #6 07-17-2002, 09:01 AM

Thanks again, Sherri and Shawna!! The more I think about it, the more I want to make sure we're honest w/ him ~ what kind of trust issues does it set up if his own parents lie to him? That will haunt him longer than losing his dad for a while. I don't think we'll be going back to this therapist, either.

I don't know what I'd do without this site!!!

Colleen

B-Ray · #7 07-17-2002, 12:48 PM

I learned at a very young age about "mom's" little "white" lies as she called them. And when questioned, I recieved "how dare you question your mother"!

Being that I can remember in such detail even today, states how long such things can stay with a person.

Since your husband is still home, I think the time to talk too your son is now. I think a father/son talk is a must! You and your husband need to set the stage so you both will know what he is going to do with this talk and then, you are to come into the picture and talk about what is going to happen while he (dad) is gone for awhile.

Through all this, it must be pointed out to you son, that this ordeal is being handled as a FAMILY! If this is done tonight, that will leave tomorrow to talk some more about what fears he has developed during the night.

Yes, it's going to shake up his little world and you both living with his grandparents will help. Having him write to his dad about what's going on in his life, (don't you read them either!!!!), will help. Also, make clear to your husband of not putting the burden of "taking care of mom" on his shoulders! Grandpa can take that roll for now.

A father/son dialog during this time might be the most important roll your husband can play! I was a bit older then your son, when my grandfather laid some advice on me that formed my whole adult life. Son he said, know a little about a lot of things and develope how to use them and you'll never go hungry. I was about 10 years old then. So, don't short change your son or try to "over protect" him. Life can be a bitch, but that's what we have to deal with and learning how, young, is a step up on the ordeal.

sherri13 · #8 07-17-2002, 03:28 PM

B-RAY--I AM IMPRESSED.SOME VERY, VERY GOOD ADVICE!!

B-Ray · #9 07-17-2002, 05:21 PM

Thanks SHERRI, time in grade (age) sometimes has it's benifits.

Can I hang out a shingle now?

"Da Ole Goat" PHd/phY

BillnDenise · #10 07-17-2002, 05:54 PM

Honesty is the best policy. Billy's children know where he's at and they understand that he can't be home with them right now. He will be home in 2 years and that he will spend most of his time with them.

I am not a child therapist, but a child care provider for 12 years. I know how children react to things and how little lies from parents create bigger lies as time goes by. They will eventually find out the truth.

Yes, honesty is best.

Amelia · #11 07-22-2002, 08:19 PM

I am not a therapist but I am a mother and I am going to tell you to do what you feel is best for your child. You know him and how he will handle things. I told my children all the truth without making their father out to be a bad guy. THey know he is in jail and that he took someone's money so now he has to work to pay the money back. Stephen and I both stressed that he made a wrong choice and that he is in a "time-out" and that he is working to get home. My advice to you is to tell him before your husband goes in (something we didnt do) it was a big shock to our kids but I can tell you time makes things easier somewhat, it is a tough road to go down alone but I think it is even harder with children. I have just started this journey myself-Stephen went in this past February-each day brings new questions and new issues to address with the kids but it also brings new strenghth in them. Keep an open line of communication with your son and even discuss your feelings. A big fear of my oldest daughter (6) was that because he was away I didnt love him anymore and we would get a divorce. Also visiting helps SOOOO much I cant tell you how much they are dealing with it better sonce I decided to let them visit him and now we are preparing for their first contact visit..Also tell your husband to write letters directly to your sone my kids seem to like that alot amkes them feel important and lets know they are on daddys mind..if you ever need any other help or just need to talk email me. take care! and good luck!

sorry this was so long but I really feel so strongly about how this effects our kids....they truly are the forgotten children!

Steve&kids · #12 07-29-2002, 12:07 PM

Amelia,separate letters to the children are so good for them, it makes them feel special.Steve&kids

Menally-Ill · #13 07-29-2002, 03:13 PM

BRAY!

I too am impressed!!!

This was a very touching post full of care!

Menolly

jessi84 · #14 08-06-2009, 10:49 PM

All of this advise was soooo good to read. I am comforted knowing that so many people are dealing with and have dealt with some of the same issues I am dealing with now. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?