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Domestic Violence News and information relating to domestic violence in general. Please post here if you don't see a sub-forums that fits better.

View Poll Results: Do you remember the first time you were hit...or the violence began?
Yes, I remember it well 125 89.29%
No, I am not really sure 15 10.71%
Voters: 140. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 04-24-2007, 09:13 AM
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Default Do you remember the first hit or violent act?

I didn't see this here in the Q&A part of the forum so I will ask.

Do you remember the first time your batterer hit you or the first violent act they committed against you? If so what was it?

I was 17 (i met him about 3-4 months before when I was 16 and he was 27). And my ex-batterer had moved in with his ex-girlfriend when his sister kicked him out. Anyway so since he was hitting that (and yes he admitted he was hitting that because if he did he could stay there rent free) i started kicking it (not sexing but just leaving options open) with other dudes. So this guy I was talking to worked as a DJ in a strip club and the batterer and I went there because I could get in free. But even though the DJ knew I was coming with the batterer his boss didn't want that drama and wouldn't let us in. Well I was very drunk and mad at the batterer (for him living with this ex-girlfriend) so i started flirting with these guys when I thought his back was turned. Well he grabbed me up by the back of my neck and like put pressure on these points causing me to fall to the ground in pain and then threw me into a hard metal gate. I was crying and then he ran over to me hugging me asking me why i made him do it. Why did I have to be so flirtacious and disrespect his love for me. Well since he was living with the other chick and I was living at home we ended up spending a night at a hotel and he kept ignoring the gir lhe was living with calls so i felt all special. Like he was doing something.

Uuugghhh! I didn't see it then. I was so d*ck whipped and thought I was in love that i really thought he was sorry. So about 3-4 weeks later he moved in with his other sister (this was after the ex-girlfriend realized for whatever reasons he wasn't going to stop seeing me...and also after she got caught lying about being pregnant with his child[sign # a million if you ask me cause that means even though it was another man's baby..he was not using protection with her]and kicked him out) and i moved in there with him...but the violence only got worse...and fairly quickly at that.

If you know or remember when was the first time you were abused and why did you stay then instead of leaving?

I stayed because I was young, dumb and loved him so much and worshipped the ground he walked on so much that nothing he could do was wrong. Looking back on it I could smack myself. Any storied the same or similar?

Last edited by lovinkiah; 04-24-2007 at 09:19 AM..
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Old 04-25-2007, 05:40 PM
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OMG! Kiah, I truly do not remember!!! I wasn't going to post this, but it's part of the process...
What the h*** did that life do to me that I can't remember the first time?!
Is it just me, or is there anyone else who feels like it was just "always" like that even when you know it wasn't? All the memories are blurred into one now...sure, some surely stand out and will never be forgotten...but the "first"...gone, poof!
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Old 04-26-2007, 10:16 AM
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Hi Golden!

Good to see you here! I was just wondering. I don't think I personally will ever forget that first time because he was adamant that he wasn't like that anymore and I was so suprised, hurt, shocked and caught off guard. Some of the other incidents i don't remember clearly but a lot of them I do...but it could only be because I just ended, fully, the relationship a little over a year ago. So a lot of it is still fresh. I remember when he beat me up right before my high school graduation (like 2 days before) and my best friend saw it at rehearsal (the bruises). I remember when he kept beating me up when i was pregnant (with the twins..i lost one...the other i had to have a later term abortion with because she was sick) and i had to keep going to different hospitals because they were starting to piece things together and so on and so forth. Like i don't remember the sexual abuse as much nor do i remember all the incidents with the economic abuse...but the hitting...the slapping, the throwing hampers on me and breaking up my computer and jewelry...i remember that vividly.
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Old 04-26-2007, 10:34 AM
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the first time my fiancee hit me we were at his cusins house.she is/was very promiscous.so we had gone to her house.after her children fell asleep-he did too-she wanted to wakd to the store so we did.he woke up and i was gone.he was mad cuz she left her kids in the house with him,he was mad cuz i left without telling him i guess.when we got bac he was waiting on me and he was furious.he slapped me a couple of times and made me cry.it all happened very quickly at her house.when we went home he didnt touch me but he made sure i knew who he was-and me being me i told him he wasnt my daddy-and i learned that night that he will tear into my ass faster than a raindrop hits the ground.end of story beginneng of novel.
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Old 04-28-2007, 06:51 AM
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The first incident I actually remember wasn't an assault on me at all! He went after someone who he thought was flirting with me and it turned into a major scuffle. I told him I completely didn't like that, that I could take care of myself, that he was mistaken anyway.
Later that night, I woke up (I'm a VERY heavy sleeper), to find out I was having sex (it sure wasn't making love if I didn't know about it!). Didn't know then what I know now, so didn't think much of it. Just didn't.
Control, control, control. No mutuality. That's what I know now . . . oh, if only...
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Old 04-29-2007, 09:32 PM
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I try with all my might to forget the first time, the in between times but for the life of me I doubt I'll ever forget the last time. I say that with a little pride because it was the last time. Amen
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Old 04-30-2007, 12:20 PM
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Amen to that Sokie: I hear you. I remember the last time he put his hands on me too. He was trying to strangle me in front of the baby (she was 11 months at the time laughing and carrying on in the crib not knowing or understanding that i was being like killed) and my heart sank because i knew the baby would not remember me....but God said it wasn't time for me yet. And He sent a security guard to the room to find out why we were taking so long. I don't think that man knew he saved me that day...but God knew what He was doing!
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Old 05-23-2007, 03:17 PM
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I have to say I don't remember the first or the last time. It was all a blur. And I am very happy to be out of that relationship. Growing up, my father was very abusive and I thought it was normal, then I met someone and he became very abusive. I removed myself from both relationships and am now in a wonderful loving relationship with my husband. I of course had to go through a lot of counseling and support groups - I don't think I would have made it if it was not for them.
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Old 05-23-2007, 06:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsCheryl
I have to say I don't remember the first or the last time. It was all a blur.
I remember both of those really well. There are some of them in the middle that are a blur but i really don't remember some of the ones in the middle.

Congratulations on the great relationship with your husband!
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Old 06-05-2007, 04:12 PM
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I can't believe I can't remember the first time. I know it was before our first daughter was born because I remember the midwife asking about my bruises, but I can not picture what happened. Maybe that blank spot in my brain is the reason I kept taking him back.

I guess that excuse is as good as any. lol
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Old 06-11-2007, 03:37 PM
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Default Yes I do!

The first time my sons father hit me, we were 20 or 21. Our son was about a year old. We had broken up the previous year and I had a fling as did he. He would keep on going on about this fling. Boy would he. And one day he was going on, and on, and on. And I told him to shut up and get over it. He punched me in my jaw. It was terrible. But I stayed, because I felt guilty that he knew I had a fling, and I made it my duty to prove that I was a "good woman". We had three or four more incidents within the seven years. I left him because I already am a good woman, and a man can't tell me that. The more I started to love myself, the more those clouds moved from in front of my eyes, and I could see more clearly.
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Old 09-11-2007, 03:57 PM
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We were in the car, I was engaged to him for about a year at the time, I dont even remember what set him off, but I was driving and he back handed me (hard). I could feel my face sting instantly and my lip swell. I was in shock, and began to cry and that angered him even more, when I turned my face to look at him,because he was screaming at me to look at him when he was talking to me, he spit in my face... I didnt know what to do, I froze. I stopped the car and got out, began to walk... He yelled at me not to walk away from him and I just kept walking. The next thing I knew he had drop kicked me in the back and I fell forward... that was the start of my 17 years of hell... that now is a distant memory, but it never goes far enough away.
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Old 09-11-2007, 04:05 PM
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I was sitting in his car after a concert in NYC, next thing I knew we were arguing and he back-handed me mid-sentence and I started to cry while he was driving home and he took me in the house, cleaned up my lip and sexed me real good... that was the beginning of 8 years of pure hell.
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Old 09-17-2007, 01:39 PM
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Wow Ladies!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe these sick and brazen men! I wish I would have had the strength to leave after the first one. I know one thing, if it ever happens again, I am out. There is no I'm sorry, it will never happen or none of that.

This statement is true:

IF IT HAPPENS ONCE, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
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Old 09-17-2007, 01:58 PM
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Unhappy It was me...

The first time... well I was the first to throw the first blow.

One night, he had just moved in a few weeks earlier... I was sick of him accusing me of looking through his things. That's just not my style. I don't LOOK for things to hurt myself, so I was offended at the accusation. So... since I was ALREADY being accused of snooping... I did. I found a whole bunch of letters from his old ass grandmother. Well not his REAL grandmother, but this old bitch that he was with.

I burned them and he walked in on me... asked me what I was doing and I smacked fire out of his ass. Of course he didn't respond right away so I went forward and then he smacked a spark out of me. For almost a year, we hadn't so much as raised voices and I opened the door to violence. I'm not saying I'm responsible for HIS actions... but I always wonder, if I had kept that door closed, would it have stayed.
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Old 09-17-2007, 03:05 PM
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Default Just like it was yesterday....

Oh I remember.....

I was 17 (can you believe it) and we were at a party. My ex-husband and I had been dating for 3 months. He claimed I "got smart" with him inf ront of everyone and held me up to the wall by my neck. He told me to NEVER do that again. I was MAD . And I remember one of my "friends" at the time telling me how much my ex must love me to get that upset. I look back now and see how twisted that was. I was a perfect victim...young and looking for someone to love me!
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Old 09-17-2007, 09:46 PM
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Wow Girls! My Man Has Never Hit Me And If He Did ...to Me That Would Show He Didnt Really Love Me. I Pray To God That It Will Never Happen To Me. But I Can Gaurantee You I Would Be Long Gone As Much As It Would Hurt And Kill Me. Yeah I Might Go Back But It Would Take Alot Of Time And Counseling Etc... You Girls Do Not Deserve To Be Touched Like That! We All Deserve Better Than To Be Humiliated And Disrespected Like That... If You Were To Write A Poem About Love Would It Have That Included As To What Love Meant? I Am Not Dawgin On Anybody So Plz Dont Take This The Wrong Way...hang In There Girls! We All Are Going Through This And We Can Do It!
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Old 09-18-2007, 08:19 AM
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Default yes i do

i can remember the first time well and clear. we had been married about 9 months and our first child (daughter) was 7 months old. the post man rang and i went to check what he wanted. when i came back our daughter was crying as she had just woken up. he was angry because he had to get up and take her out of her crib. when i entered the room i took her off him and he punched me so hard.. i flew backwards with her in my arms, just praying that she won't get hurt. lucky i fell in a way that she landed on top of me, so she wasn't hurt. i "only" had a black eye and swollen/bruised nose but this was the first of 16 years abuse, which got worse and worse which each year.
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Old 09-18-2007, 08:30 AM
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I would not worry myself with that question. Male or female, the action of physically causing harm to another is not acceptable. When two people who both have the instinct to strike physically when angered are put together people get hurt. what happened happened, you struck , and so did he. Would history repeat itself would be my question.
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Old 09-23-2007, 10:00 PM
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I have been thinking about this. Hmm, well I really cannot remember the first time I was hit by him during my first adult relationship, but I do remember the last time he hit me. We had broken up because I had come to the realization of what was going on. I was in the middle of a controlling D.V. relationship and didn't know how I had gotten there. After a couple of fights I had enough. I called it off and he began stalking me and following me around, looking in windows, etc. We had an argument one time when he approached me and he punched me in the back of the head as I was trying to get away (mind you I was holding our baby boy at the time). I had to pick up an object to equalize the situation and I was tired of him putting his hands on me. I told him not to hit me again and he didn't believe what I was telling him. He swung to hit me and bottom line when it was all over with he never hit me or stalked me again.

I knew from being a child growing up in a D.V. household where my mother was injured every day and where I was attacked every day, that I had to get out of this situation before it progressed. (I swear that movie sleeping with the enemy was my life growing up as a child) Thank God I had the insight to get out early. I couldn't let the cycle continue.
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Old 09-23-2007, 10:02 PM
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Been there still doing that. Yes, I can remember it very well. It's a day I will never forget because it was the day my heart was destroyed. I don't know why I still love him. Please don't send me message telling me to leave and such I KNOW all this. I have asked myself that 100 million times. If I knew the answer I believe I could stop world hunger.
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Old 09-23-2007, 10:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goldenglove
OMG! Kiah, I truly do not remember!!! I wasn't going to post this, but it's part of the process...
What the h*** did that life do to me that I can't remember the first time?!
Is it just me, or is there anyone else who feels like it was just "always" like that even when you know it wasn't? All the memories are blurred into one now...sure, some surely stand out and will never be forgotten...but the "first"...gone, poof!
I know your post is old, but I was thinking the same thing. Why the in the heck I cannot remember the first time? That is really bugging me.
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Old 09-23-2007, 10:31 PM
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I remember like it was yesterday even though it was 21 years ago. My (EX) husband and I wer married about about 15 days at the time and he had gone to work. I needed a cigaraette(have since quit) and so I went out side to see if anyone passing might have one ...well the fella next door had one so we were outside smoking when my husband pulled up. He got out of the car and acted like everything was ok in fact stayed out for a few and talked then whispered in my ear to get my a$$ into the house. I thought he was joking but walked into the house ...made it halfway up the stairs and felt my head being pushed into the wall. He was there hitting me calling me every kind of slut in the book....That was the begininng if I said no to sex no basically meant yes to him he would hold my hands so I wouldn't try to hit him off of me Needless to say my dumb a$$ stayed with him for 18 years...But I swore from that moment I left him no man would ever hit me again
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Old 10-03-2007, 03:40 PM
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I think, sometimes, that we don't remember the first time because it was just a gradual slide from a sting-y remark to a really controlling remark to a shove to a pinch to being kept in a room we didn't want to be in. The hit makes total sense on that continuum.
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Old 12-18-2007, 12:00 PM
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the first time wow ummm lets see here.. the first time he ever put his hands on me was this one day we got into it because i would talk to my so called friend about how he treated me and he got mad and waited till everyone left and banged on the bathroom door while i was in the shower and he told me he would break it if i didnt let him in, he then gripped my neckless real tight and i was crying an then the people i we where staying with came home so he left like nothing happend! so i got the fone called my friend who was a guy but he was in the army and had a girlfriend, he picked me up till later when my boyfriend had left. i returned and was making a pizza so i left the back door open because it had gotten hot, little did i know he was in another apartment waiting for me thenhe jumped on the porch and sat on the couch. so we kinda sat their for a little bit no words exchanged and he was cutting up his weed with scicors and asked me how i got home and i was honest and told him from rodney and he flipped threw the scicors at me and chocked me tipped my chair over smaked me like 4 times and i tried to leave and he had his gun and it was wild i will never forget that nor will i forget the last time!!!!!
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