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  #1  
Old 03-05-2007, 09:49 AM
Wobabi Wobabi is offline
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Question Abandoned in Prison,,Why?

,,,I wanted to ask and find out what do people find as reasons to why people get abandoned by loved ones/family in prison?
I take for granted that its the sentence/time but I am starting to see many more reasons and wanted to know others thoughts on this.
Thanks for any feed back!
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Old 03-05-2007, 09:58 AM
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I had a penpal who was on d/r in texas, he was completely abandoned by most of his family, and after he was executed they all had a hard time dealing with how they had treated him during the 9 years he was on the row. I cant speak for everyone, but their reasons were the embarassment he brought to the family.
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Old 03-05-2007, 09:58 AM
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Good one i think usually they dont want to put the effort in to write or go visit especially if someone has a long bid. But those people were selfish lazy idiots to begin with. Sorry can't think of anything else. I'm a penpal myself to 4 inmates if i a complete stranger takes the time to write them, talks with them etcetera i dont understand why there so called loved ones cant..

P.s: 3 of my pals do have family who send money and write to them. Only one is totally abandoned.
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:00 AM
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A third reason is that those prisoners have exhausted their families and friends with their bad behaviors. Sometimes you just have to stop letting anyone drain you.
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:05 AM
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The attitude of "entitlement" might be one we can get away with pushing on the streets. But when you have placed yourself in a position such as exists in prison, it's time to learn a little humility.

Convicts who choose to treat their families as though they "owe" them anything they choose to demand are sometimes going to be in for a rude and sudden awakening. This could easily lead to just being forgotten.

Of course, there are some families who are just plain thoughtless, and write off relatives upon sentencing. Maybe they are fed up with the convict's antics over the years.

And if you just keep on getting yourself locked up, well.... you really shouldn't expect too much sympathy. If you get it, consider yourself VERY fortunate, and respond appropriately.

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Old 03-05-2007, 10:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_Red25
Good one i think usually they dont want to put the effort in to write or go visit especially if someone has a long bid. But those people were selfish lazy idiots to begin with. Sorry can't think of anything else. I'm a penpal myself to 4 inmates if i a complete stranger takes the time to write them, talks with them etcetera i dont understand why there so called loved ones cant..

P.s: 3 of my pals do have family who send money and write to them. Only one is totally abandoned.
thats very true, in a effort to keep my friend in contact with his family i send him stamps to write them, i have my pco number relocated to her house so he can call them once a month, shes always telling me shes going to write him back, that shes going to get the block off her phone, which has been there for 18 months, shes forever telling me shes going to make more time for him, but of course nothing changes. He is also on d/r i just hope she doesnt live to regret it like my other friends family did.
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cathy100
thats very true, in a effort to keep my friend in contact with his family i send him stamps to write them, i have my pco number relocated to her house so he can call them once a month, shes always telling me shes going to write him back, that shes going to get the block off her phone, which has been there for 18 months, shes forever telling me shes going to make more time for him, but of course nothing changes. He is also on d/r i just hope she doesnt live to regret it like my other friends family did.
Amen cathy i know what you mean. Very nice what you are doing for your pal you have a good heart. It must crush your pal everytime she isnt writing back or not getting the block of her phone..
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:16 AM
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It does rose yes, which in turn crushes me, he keeps telling me dont switch the number anymore but i know he needs to talk to her, so i tell him give her some more time, i have even offered to get the block sorted for her, i find myself constantly making excuses for her, then i have her on my phone telling me shes gonna fix this and fix that, it really is a case of seeing is believing for me now.
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:25 AM
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Ghoti,,I hear what you are saying,,But there just seems to be a way to convey that to a loved one without cutting them off completely.
Ok so what He is a little demanding??,,,the Word NO works real good,,,at the same time I see many whose family just drop off the face of the map without a peep,,,At least tell them!
Let these men and women know,,,"Listen you asking me to do too much,,,I will do what I can" Instead of just disappearing with not so much as a Good bye. No one deserves this, do they? I dont care how piggish they are acting, I dunno.

Cathy-I can see where embarressment would keep some away,,,Is it they dont want the the staff to look at them sideways? Or they just dont want people to know who they are?

Nimuay-How do you exhaust someone to the point of no return with behavior?,,,again I am asking?,,shouldn't the families just say" No,,I aint doin that,,here is what I will do",,,You said behavior so maybe I am not understanding,,you mean how many times they go to jail??
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:27 AM
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Here's one that I've seen. My friend was supporting his "family" (I won't get into specifics b/c it's too complicated) and she suggested that he take off before his court date and she would put him up somewhere. Luckily, he kept his head on and was a man about the whole thing and faces probably a few to many years. She has since written him one letter that said "I told you you should have taken off, you shouldn't have listened to them". I finally realized that she has written him off because he can't support her financially anymore and he's not worth it to her. She's obviously no good and only cares about herself.

I've had many of his friends ask about him, but they seem to be too lazy to write. His real family has all abandoned him from other issues (his and theirs) and so we do what we can for him. I believe everyone needs an advocate in one way or another and if we as a society wants to reduce the recidivism (sp?) rate, we need to pull together to create change. OK, wandering off topic...
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cathy100
It does rose yes, which in turn crushes me, he keeps telling me dont switch the number anymore but i know he needs to talk to her, so i tell him give her some more time, i have even offered to get the block sorted for her, i find myself constantly making excuses for her, then i have her on my phone telling me shes gonna fix this and fix that, it really is a case of seeing is believing for me now.
I know exactly what you mean i find myself making excuses for the family of my pal who is abandond as well! I dont know why guess i want to make him feel better, its not really working though but i try my best.


It must be even harder because your pal is on dr but fortunately he has a pal like you
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:29 AM
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My experience has been out of sight out of mind. The inmate isn't around so he doesn't need anything. That just seems what I've had to deal with during the last 3 years from "family."
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:36 AM
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babi, i was wondering about that too. what makes a person forget about a family member that is locked up? i have a pen pal on death row also, and all of his family has abandoned him years ago. maybe they thought he's just not worth the trouble. he was in and out of reformschool and forster care before prison. i think to them he just wasnt worth the trouble anymore. this is so sad and i am hurting for him.
i have to add that he was a drug addict before his arrest. so who knows what he was like then. he is worth the "trouble" to me. i let him into my heart

i wished his family could see how he changed since being locked up!!
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:37 AM
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Wobabi- I think I understand the point of no return. My friend has been in and out for years and has probably made promises and never kept them. My hunch is, he owes them money or visa versa and they have all been in and out of rehab repeatedly. Both parents have died and it's almost since that happened, they all went their separate ways. It's so sad and hard to imagine doing that to a loved one, but sometimes it's easier to walk away.

You are also very different from many women. You can say "NO" when others just don't have that self confidence. It's hard to say "I Can't" or "I Won't", because people feel put upon. Each situation is different and sometimes families think that by abandoning their loved one will teach them a lesson.

This is all a guess from my humble opinion...hope it helps to add to the mix of ideas.
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:41 AM
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Wobabi
the embarressment came from being ashamed of what he had done, not so much going to the prison or being concerned about people knowing who they were.
I try and see where these people were coming from, i have children, and i can honestly say there will never be a point where i could say you have exhausted me, there is nothing any of them could ever do, that would make me turn my back on them, im sorry but i just dont get that.
Isnt the love between a parent and a child supposed to be unconditional?
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_Red25
I know exactly what you mean i find myself making excuses for the family of my pal who is abandond as well! I dont know why guess i want to make him feel better, its not really working though but i try my best.


It must be even harder because your pal is on dr but fortunately he has a pal like you
Like i said, i already lost one friend through an execution, we had been writing for 8.5 years, and i was his closest friend, therefore i saw the his "family" live to regret the fact they turned their back on him when he needed them the most.
the guy i write to now, his mom is always telling me, thanks for everything you do, sometimes i want to yell at her im doing it for him not you, but im hoping in time they will rebuild their relationship.
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MountainMom
others just don't have that self confidence. It's hard to say "I Can't" or "I Won't", because people feel put upon. Each situation is different and sometimes families think that by abandoning their loved one will teach them a lesson.
.
MtMom,,,,This is something that I try so hard to comprehend,,,There are times where it does get difficult to tell them No.
I do have family that is locked up as well so its not just my man that I have to say,,"Listen this is what I can do, deal with it."
How is saying "No" such an ordeal,,Why does it take so much?
And you mean to tell me ,,people would rather walk away never to be heard from again than to say No??? Wow, that floors me but you must be right *sigh*
As far as teaching them a lesson,,when is the lesson over with? I am speaking hypothetically here of course but seriously,,Ok so a person does not do ,,Trying to show tough love,,,I heard that too,,,But when does the *teacher* check back to see if the student has learned the lesson?
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:56 AM
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The ultimate joke is, she lives in compton, now im not too sure how far away that is from sq, but im in england which is alot further away, she calls me at the weekend because she knows im planning a visit and says, maybe if you fly to LA you can drive me to sq........HUH????????? she got a car of her own, hasnt visited him in 6 years, and the only hope we got of getting her there is for me to fly to LA and go get her!
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Old 03-05-2007, 10:58 AM
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I have no problem saying NO. but then he never asks for anything, and i know he wouldnt even think of asking his family, before i came along he had nothing, in the case of the person im writing to now, his family is just lazy in my opinion.
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Old 03-05-2007, 11:03 AM
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Heres something i dont get, when the family stand in court and defend their family members, then when its over they walk away, why not walk away from the start?
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Old 03-05-2007, 11:03 AM
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these threads are keeping my on my toes this morning. after reading all the posts im pretty sure i couldn't put it in words better than everyone else. my situation in particular though - where i am thee only one there for my fiance, i believe is due to the fact that his family is ridiculous. (that may seem a bit harsh!) he was always the one supporting his moms, his baby sister and her new baby, and his little brother - and now that he is gone and they get no money from him - why should they bother right? his moms is constantly telling me "he'll never be any good he'll be in an out of prison, why bother establishing a relationship with him." i LOVE the faith she has in him - let me tell you! deont'e is very family oriented, and it breaks his heart that nobody in his family will write, visit - anything. when he was in county i would three way moms and she would promise to visit and send money or letters - never did. his own mother - who, when he was free, he would do ANYTHING for. his mom even told me "when he gets out i dont know where hes going to live, 'cause he sure as hell aint stayin with me" this even broke my heart because he used to pay for her rent so she could live there! when i told him this at a visit (which i wasnt sure was the right thing to do) he started crying, got up and left me sitting there alone. what a mess! so in all this though - im still not sure the exact reason for them abandoning him - =(
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Old 03-05-2007, 11:05 AM
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Wobabi- yeah no kidding. You would think that family would have some interest, but maybe it becomes the old "out of site...out of mind." I know my friend was in a max prison for awhile and his parents went to visit a couple of times, but it was too painful for them to see him like that. I get it, I don't like it, but I get it.

Saying "no" is so hard for everyone. Do you remember when Oprah was first talking about having to say no to people and it was one of the best and hardest lessons she had learned? We want so badly to please others because we don't want to dissapoint, nomatter who it is. But in doing so, we can sacrifice our own feelings and well being just to help. I want to believe that we are here on this earth to help one another, but there are those that learn it's very easy to take what is provided. I suppose that's where we have to learn our boundaries and take care of ourselves enough that we don't bring both down (ie. financial straights, depression, health) because you aren't a help for anyone. Ooh, it's a rambling day...so sorry.
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Old 03-05-2007, 11:37 AM
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Some families have gone above and beyond what is considered being there for some, only to be asked for more, with no concern for their family.. There comes a time when you just can't do it anymore. Prison generally is not a place for warm, compassionate people.
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Old 03-05-2007, 11:58 AM
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Babi - the answer to the question of isn't the love between mother and child limitless - NO.

It has to have limits. When a child (in an adult body) drains a family of money, continues to be in little scrapes that run just below the radar of the prison system, when they live a life that is a continual tornado, when they suck all the caring that should be shared among all family members out for themselves alone, the family has to say NO at some point.

Sometimes the family is the reason for that in the first place, so their emotional/financial/physical reserves aren't large to begin with; sometimes you get those kids who are suckered down the wrong path and won't give it up. Either way there can come a time when the well is simply dry.
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Old 03-05-2007, 12:22 PM
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Its not always about money, what about emotional support? of course there are limits to finacial support, but emotional support when youre talking about your kids, should have no limit.
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