Can anyone help?

JustChendy · #1 08-28-2003, 11:53 AM

Hey All,
My fiance has been locked up since right after our daughter was born. She is now 3 years old and has only heard her father's voice and seen a picture, because they wouldn't let her visit without me taking her but wouldn't let me go because he's in IMU and we aren't related by blood or married. Soon my fiance, Mike, will be going to main line where I will finally be able to go visit him and he wants my to bring our daughter. Here's where my problem is, I am not sure how she will handle it. I worry that she will be just fine until it is time for them say good-bye and then it will be hard for her to let her daddy go. I am worried that maybe she is still to young to understand that she can't stay with daddy or that daddy can't go with her. Please if anyone has dealt with this situation or similar please let me know how you handled it.

toi_ama · #2 08-28-2003, 01:04 PM

Well, even though you may have told her about Daddy and let her see pictures and talk on the phone, when she actually does see him, she's not going to really make the connection you think she is, being only three. I don't think it will be a problem. If she had been visiting all this time and was familiar with being with him, then she might. Go ahead and just take her, but be prepared for her to get shy or otherwise react as if she's not that familiar with him. Just cross your bridges as you get to them.

JustChendy · #3 08-28-2003, 01:32 PM

Thanks toi-ama,

I agree I don't think she will be familiar with him I just wonder if after spending the visit time with him she will be able to understand he can't go with her. She is always asking for him, wanting him to come see her, I just worry the saying good-bye will be hard on her.

Deanna4Mom · #4 09-02-2003, 01:18 PM

My heart goes out to you sweetie!! I have three children of my own and since my mother's incarceration I am raising my 2 year old nephew. I am so afraid that he will forget her and she raised him until he came to live with me. I have found that with all of the children(their ages are 2,4,5,6) the most imporatnt thing is to be honest with them. Explain how the visit will go several times before you get there. This helps them to prepare themselves for what is going to happen. Tell them the time will be limited in a time frame that they will understand. Compare the time to a video, or book so they can become familiar with how long they will be spending. When it's time to say goodbye, It's okay for them to cry and to express their feelings. Otherwise, they may become more confused. We as adults do and thats normal. She may be reluctant to have contact with him at first and that is natural also because she has familarize herself with pictures and phone calls and face to face is very different. It may be difficult for her to put the two together and understand that they are the same person. Only time can connect all of the pieces for her. Love and support from you will be her security.
Please feel free to PM me anytime.
You are in my prayers,
Deanna4Mom
"I SHALL NEVER LEAVE THEE NOR FORSAKE THEE." Heb.13.5

toi_ama · #5 09-02-2003, 01:27 PM

My grandkids were three and one when their mom was in prison. For the one year old, there wasn't much of a problem explaining anything, but we explained to the three year old that mommy had done something "against the rules" and that when adults have to go to time out for doing things against the rules, they can't just be sent to their room because they wouldn't stay there, so they have to stay in a place where there are locks on doors and fences and people who see that they stay in their "time out" place. Also, that staying in time out for just a little while wouldn't help them remember not to break the rules anymore, so they have to stay a lot longer. This was understandable for a small child and also didn't make out their mommy to be a "bad" person in any way------only that she had broken rules and now had "time out" for adults.

samiam158 · #6 09-02-2003, 01:44 PM

toi...i wish i had your articulation..that is a good way of explaining things to a kid...i have 2 grandchildren and one on the way.....i think this is good...the way you have explained it...i have been seaching for a way to do it so that it doesn't turn into a mini adult conversation...i have an 8 year old granddaughter going on 30 an it is hard sometimes to explain without going into more detail or making her a peer...thanks toi
christine

JustChendy · #7 09-02-2003, 10:03 PM

thanks everyone,

You are all giving me such good advice and it is becoming easier to explain it to her. I just wanted to thank everyone once again!