My Children

Steve&kids · #1 06-23-2002, 01:05 PM

Has any one noticed if thier children have seem to be a little more withdrawn since one of their parents got sent to prison.Not enough to really notice to outsiders, but enogh for the parents to notice.If so, how do you pull them out of it? Steve&kids

BillnDenise · #2 06-23-2002, 02:00 PM

I know that my boyfriend's son is a lot meaner. He has a lot of anger in him, but he understands that his daddy is in prison. In my case, it's more of Billy's ex-wife saying mean things to the child. Telling him that if he doesn't do well in school, etc. that he can't visit his daddy, and horrible things like that.

Child Protective Services has a case open on her since Billy was sent to prison. She is totally out of control. She's been caught several times having Billy's son walking the streets at 4 am.

I think that if he had a stable home life with a good mother, then he wouldn't be so angry. Like I said, he understands that Billy is in prison, but he also knows that he'll be home in a couple of years.

~cheenna~ · #3 06-23-2002, 02:47 PM

I've not had my children in a situation such as this, so...
I might suggest you just keep the communication open and on going. Children, no matter how young, know what's going on around them, it's like a 6th sense to them. So just keep the conversations light, especially as you leave after a visit, encouraging them to express what they are feeling right then and there. By "light" I don't mean to say avoid the seriousness of the situation, just after a visit or phone call, you want to encourage those "warm fuzzies" as long as possible. When the tears flow, let them flow, your's or their's, don't hide your feelings from them, they need to know you are hurting and have your own fears as well. Times like this will make for a great, mucus dripping, group hug. Just when you think you have their little minds all settled, take a deep breath and grab a quick cup of coffee(beer) and get ready, as the confusion will start all over again, and again... And don't be surprised if at times they become very angry with their Mommie, after all, Mommie left them not they left her. Just be patient with them even in the times you want to be angry at the world yourself. And if you do "lose it" at times, don't beat yourself up over it. Children are resillient, in just a short time they bounce back. Just explain to them that you hurt too and sometimes you get angry because Mommie is gone, reassuring them that it is of no fault of theirs.
If you notice a difference in attitude, say after you have had a visitor to the house, think back on what might have been said that they may have overheard and talk to them about it. As you know, those on the "outside" of us and ours just can't get a grasp on the whats and whys. The kids may pick up some of this negativity and it would be confusing to them, possibly leading them to think they should be ashamed of thier Mommie or even be ashamed of themselves. Children aften take on the guilt of others, thinking that somehow, it is thier fault... "if only I'd been a better little girl/boy", "if only I'd done better in school" and etc. Getting them to talk will help them to understand their own feelings, it is said that coloring pictures is great therapy for children in pain. Get them to draw pictures to "send to Mommie", then get them to explain to you the pictures they draw. If they don't seem to come out of their "blue funk" for extended periods of time, then maybe you should consider some outside therapy. There are some wonderful treatments available today. Keep this in mind for yourself as well, there is no shame in needing help, someone to talk with or even medication. If Daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy.
I've heard a lot of people who try to keep everything as "status quo" and that may be fine for routines, bedtime, baths, dinner and such, but life ain't what it was before Mommie went away, so don't pretend it is! And by all means, tell grandparents, friends, whomever, that when in "your" home or in front of "your" children, that they "will" mind their manners. The children will pick up enough "junk" off of TV, and school, they don't need to hear it at home or from those they look up to.
I'll hush now, I'm sure many others will have wonderful ideas of help to you. Just know you're in my prayers...

jdswifey02 · #4 06-23-2002, 03:20 PM

Steve....
I think Cheenna said a lot of good things... I don't know that I can really add to it... I am sure their moods are different and there will be times when they are withdrawn, because they are just working on "processing" all of their thoughts and feelings about the differences in their life since Mom isn't around.....
I agree with all of Cheenna's advice... just stay open and supportive and they will work through it.....
Peace.....

Steve&kids · #5 06-23-2002, 03:49 PM

Wow, you all are good! You may have saved me a bundle in future counseling sessions for the kids, or me.Who do I make the check out to?(LOL)Steve&kids

Shortie · #6 06-23-2002, 04:12 PM

Steve
Let me just say that my boys so really well if we go see anthony but if we do not go for a few weeks they seem to get a little unruly.. Honestly I think that they need those visits more then we do.. I never use the visits as a tool or punishment. that is not right and in the end you make them mad at you instead of getting the behavior you wanted.

I think it is natural for them to be withdrawn this is hard for them to understand at any age. So just monitor them and make sure you keep them talking. they are going to turn to you if they know they can.. Stay strong and know that we are here for you...

sherri13 · #7 06-24-2002, 08:41 AM

SYEVE-JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IN THE FORUM CHILDRN WITH INCARCERATED PARENTS, I POSTED A RESERACH PAPER THAT DESCRIBES NORMATIVE REACTIONS OF CHILDREN OF DIFFERENT AGES WHEN THEY HAVE A PARENT INCARCERATED- OF COURSE ALL CHILDREN REACT DIFFERENTLY, BUT IT WILL GIVE YOU A BASELINE TO CONSIDER

Budwoman · #8 06-24-2002, 12:42 PM

STEVE:
YOU HAVE RECEIVED SOME VERY GOOD AND SOUND ADVICE ABOVE FROM THESE GREAT LADIES... USE ALL OF IT CONSISTANTLY, ESPECIALLY THE COMMUNICATIONS... TALK TO THEM ALL THE TIME ABOUT THIS SITUATION... LET THEM RELEASE THEIR ANGER ABOUT IT... LET THEM TALK ABOUT IT...

ALSO, FIND YOU A GOOD CHURCH... IT MAY TAKE AWHILE... ONE THAT HAS THE BEST INTERESTS OF CHILDREN AT HEART... LET THEM GO TO CHURCH AND PARTICIPATE IN THE PROGRAMS THAT ARE OFFERED... LET THEM LEARN ABOUT THE LOVE OF JESUS AND HOW SPECIAL THEY ARE TO OUR HEAVENLY FATHER....

THIS WILL HELP THEM MORE THAN YOU KNOW IN DEALING WITH YOUR SITUATION..

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU

DONNA

Steve&kids · #9 07-29-2002, 12:03 PM

Thank you folks, very much.Steve&kids