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  #1  
Old 09-17-2006, 04:38 AM
joshsbabygurl joshsbabygurl is offline
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Question Staying Faithful??????HELP!!!

This is one topic I really havent heard to many of us talk about! Does anyone else ever feel like your single now that he's gone? Or maybe that it would be ok just to have a one night stand! I love Josh with all my heart and soul but I sometimes get so lonley I just want a man to be able to make me feel special agian! Im not intending on cheating on Josh ever but is the saying true what he dont know wont hurt him??? Its a debate in my own mind! I see a guy at work and he's soooooooo sexy and he really likes me and if me and Josh werent together I would be with the guy in a heart beat! Is it wrong for thinking this way??? Im just trying to some input from other peoples perspective! Im looking at 10 to 20 years here and im only 19!! Im a way i feel like im missing out on the wild and fun part of my life because Im getting Married to a guy who I cant even be with!! There's no doubt in my mind Josh is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with but the thing Is Im not able to spend my time with him!!! AM I CRAZY!!!!!!!????????? Help please!!!
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Old 09-17-2006, 04:53 AM
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No, you are not crazy at your age. You need to go live your life because you are too young to be doing 10-20 years, hon. Good luck!
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Old 09-17-2006, 04:56 AM
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The saying "what he won't know, won't hurt 'im" is true for him, maybe, but... what's it going to do to you? And what's going to keep him from finding out later?

I'm not going to tell you "it's ok" and I'm not going to get all preachy and say "thou shall not committ the fun and wild." It's your decision and your business.

Just if you decide to do "whatever" and Josh asks you; be honest. Lying is an insult.
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Old 09-17-2006, 05:48 AM
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Exclamation Im not wanting to cheat

I dont intend on cheating on him thats not what im am saying at all! It just crosses my mind from time to time that if he was in my shoes what would he do??? Would he stay faithful for that long! I know Josh is the ONLY guy for me but I see all my friends going out and having fun, hangin with guys partying and just livin it up and me im worried about how im going to get my next ride down to the jail to see him and I have to be here anywere between 8 and 11:30 to get his phone calls everynight! God I love him and I do everything I can for him but i feel like im missing out on a part of my life! I went from high school to being married! We are getting married in a couple of month because if he gets out on parole he wont be able to parole to my house unless we are married! It's crazy! I just wanna know is there anyone else out there that it ever cross there mind that they aint going to able to do it! I would never even look at another guy before Josh went to jail but know he's gone when I see a guy thats really cute I think dang if i wasnt with Josh Id hit on that guy! I dunno !!
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Old 09-17-2006, 05:55 AM
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tough situation. same situation as when i first got sentenced. i had a gf who was 19 at the time and i just caught a 9-12 in state prison. the only thing i can say is be real with him. talk to him BEFORE you make a descision that will change everything. maybe ask him what he would do if he was free and had to wait for you all those years. i found out about my gf the hard way. from someone else. the trust was gone. my pride was hurt and i told her not to visit, don't write, and don't wait for the phone to ring. it broke her heart. she was crying and asking me not to do this. i felt like SHE was the one who did it not me. i soon found out it's no fun to bid alone. why did it have to be all or nothing? i wished we could have remained friends. i missed her company, her letters and being able to talk to her. it's been quite some time now. i often wonder how she's doing. i never spoke to her again. so, my vote, talk to him. tell him how you feel. tell him you're not looking to take away what you CAN share together.
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Old 09-17-2006, 06:13 AM
joshsbabygurl joshsbabygurl is offline
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Thanks for the info for real! it really put things in perspective for me!! I know that I love him but i just want the life we had back so bad! I went from being on top of the world to Rock Bottom QUICK! Im just missing having fun and doing the stuff I use to do when he was here! I guess I miss him so much im looking for something that will make me happy agian when im all reality he's is the only thing that can make me truely happy! If something were to happen and I did do something It would just kill me If he didnt want have anything to do with me! He's my world and Is going to always be!!I love him!!
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Old 09-17-2006, 06:34 AM
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You're only 19 and you want to marry a may who may be in prison for 20 years? That means, never having a husband with you and never having children and all the things that 19 year olds dream of. Are you really capable of dealing with a life like that? Sure you have feeling for him but will they last for that long? Possibly not. And if you are even saying that if you have a one night stand, what he doesn't know won't hurt him then you need to so some very serious soul searching. I see red flags here.
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Old 09-17-2006, 06:51 AM
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I originally met my man while he was incarcerated and chose to become and to stay faithful to him. Understand I enjoy sex ALOT but I enjoy the relationship we share even more. It wasn'tdifficult for me at all. We had 16 months free world experience before he went back in but no it did not make me feel single again, nor did I wonder if I would continue to be faithful, I just knew that I would. Never once did I fantasize about the men I work with only about my man coming home to me.

The difference between you and I is that both times I was looking at relatively short bids and while you are 19 I am 44. I've had all the children I care to have and have had many life experiences along the way. One thing that puzzles me about what you have told us is that you are to be married so that he can parole to your house. I hope that isn't the only reason you would alter your life in such a way as it would seem that if you are having doubts about staying faithful, marriage is something you are not ready for unless of course he is in favor of the possibility of one or both of you having sex outside of the marriage. I wonder to what extent have you discussed this with him? In any case, best of luck to you.

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Old 09-17-2006, 08:56 AM
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Patty I was bout to say the same thing , the key to getting married isnt for parole , its cause u want to be with him the rest of ya life , keep in mind you are not going to have a ** life** while he is locked up up , you havent really lived yet ,

I would tell him , if I had the oppurtunity , love isnt selfish , if ya love someone , let them live , u my dear are too young and have so much ahead in life , sure stay in touch , but live !!
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Old 09-17-2006, 09:12 AM
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I agree. You have so much life ahead of you. I'm 39 , my daughter is grown and I've been married twice before. I don't feel as if I'm missing out but at your age I'm not sure if I'd feel the same as I do now. This relationship means the world to me and at this point we're not sure what kind of bid we're looking at. I do go out with family and friends. I just don't cheat. So far I haven't even been attracted to anyone else.
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Old 09-17-2006, 09:38 AM
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I have to differ from everyone here for one the way I see it ur supposed to be a whole on ur own. A man is not suppose to complete u so just b/c he's not around doesn't mean ur no longer happy. A woman is suppose to be happy with a man or without one. Just it hurts at times but that's all. Just b/c he's locked up that shouldn't stop u from living ur life which is the problem with many of the wife/gf of inmates, they let this prison business become their lives. Ur only human and if u getting a tingle from seeing a handsome man around is wrong than I'm a really bad girl. Age has nothing to do with anything if u love this man and u want to stand by him than u should do just that. If u ever start to feel like u can't do it anymore than take a step back and b honest before u do anything out of ur relationship. Friendship is a wonderful thing and if that's all u end up with at the end that's better than nothing. As long as ur riding for the right reasons and both of ur hearts is in the right place, than give it a try.

This coming from a 21 yr old who stood by her man for 8 years.
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Old 09-17-2006, 12:14 PM
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I don't know your entire story or how long you and Josh have been together, but considering your age and the wait ahead of you I can definitely understand your concern. Your at the prime time of your life here and I don't feel that you should have to wait if you are worried about missing out on the good times that come with this age.

Personally, this is something that you are going to have to question and figure out for yourself. No one knows you better than yourself. If you feel that you are not going to be able to wait that long than be honest with yourself and move on. I always said that I would never wait past 2-3 years. So much can happen in that time frame....

My boyfriend and I had been together 10 years before he was incarcerated. He got 4 years, but only had to serve one because he did everything he could to minimize that time. In talking with him last night he tells me I sound different. Mind you...it's only been a year that we've seen eachother.

If you two have been together a really long time beforehand and you feel that much love for him than I would tell you to wait. I don't believe that sex should be an issue and I am firmly against the idea of having a man to make you feel special. So those two things are very irrelevant to me. How we feel about ourselves comes from the inside and you are no doubt "special" without a guy in your life

Right now you need to think about yourself...what are your wants and needs? In my own life it took me a long time to literally realize that many of my choices were made with thoughts of him. And than the real eye opener was....was he thinking of me those nights that he went out and did what he did? He may have thought of the consequences yes...but did he think of the time apart and how it might affect our relationship???

So while you find yourself thinking of how it might make him feel you have to stop and think of yourself. You didn't ask for this. His choices didn't involve thoughts of how it might harm the relationship. In doing what he did he was thinking of himself. And now it's time that you start making choices that are best for you...it's time to think of yourself and put yourself first.

I wish that there was something I could say that would help you, and I don't want to sound rude...but I honestly think that you need to consider your own life now because time is really precious. You could wait and than what? There's no guarantee. I would definitely let him know if you decide to date because I am a firm believer in "What we don't know will hurt us!" Not only him, but along the way you too. You will not only feel guilty, but you will start lying. A good relationship should be built on communication and trust.

Be honest with him. He might be upset, but those were the consequences he didn't give much thought too when doing whatever he did. Ten years is a long time to wait....and you are so young.

The time in our lives is precious and it should be built around things that make us feel good and happy. Good luck with whatever you decide, but please do let him know your feelings on this. He deserves the truth.
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Old 09-17-2006, 12:37 PM
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rekeeta2000, Amen to that. I totally agree. Especially the part about him not considering whatever he did to get locked up that long and what he was potentially risking. It's about you now. It's time for you to look at what you want in life, he made his choice, granted, he didn't think it would truly land him where he is, but it was a gamble that many should never take. I'm sure he is a very nice guy and you should be thinking about college and bettering yourself. I wouldn't marry him right now, parole won't take place for quite some time. You don't have to make that decision now. Just give yourself time to think hard about what's best for you, then when your sure you know what you want, talk to him about it.
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Old 09-17-2006, 12:58 PM
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AMENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN to what she said !!

we got a lil dr philism going on here !!
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Old 09-17-2006, 02:14 PM
joshsbabygurl joshsbabygurl is offline
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thanks everyone for the help! I never intend on cheating on him but i just wonder how much im going to miss out on! Right now i dont know how long he will be gone! He hasnt got sentenced but the minimum is 10! I love him with all my heart but everyone I know thinks i am crazy for what I am doing! I am young but me and Josh have been together for 3 years before he got locked up and that was the best time of my life! But now Im just scared about what i am going to miss and how this is going to effect my life! God I love him and the parole thing is not the only reason we are getting married! We had plans before he got locked up but now parole is the main reason! I dont want a prison wedding! I want the real thing! I just cant have it and I hate it! Im very young and I just dont want to miss out on my life! Im afraid to talk to him about this because I am the only person he has! His family has completely forgot about him! Im IT! I cant leave him!!
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Old 09-17-2006, 02:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joshsbabygurl
Im very young and I just dont want to miss out on my life! Im afraid to talk to him about this because I am the only person he has! His family has completely forgot about him! Im IT! I cant leave him!!
These things don't fit. Yes you are young and there is NO reason for you to miss out on anything life has to offer whether you stand by him throughout the bid or otherwise, INFACT you would be wise to have a back up plan, college perhaps cuz let's face it honey you are going to be supporting the two of you for some time to come. His family forgot about him? I seriously doubt that. Family either does for him or they don't and there might be a reason behind it. You are not IT. If you have come to believe that it is because it was what you CHOOSE to believe. He has himself and he better start doing for himself if the two of you envision a life free of the DOC. He can make changes in his life if necessary and if he wants to with or without you. The same goes out for you. I'm not trying to be evil here but I would be remiss if I didn't point out that your most valuable commidity is you!

All the best,
Patty
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Old 09-17-2006, 02:45 PM
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If you're having doubts as to whether you want to or not (marry him and be by his side) then you shouldnt. There's a reason for those doubts and its probably because you arent ready to commit yourself to something of that magnitude. Dont marry him just so he can parole to your house.
What he doesnt know wont hurt, thats right but why even base your relationship on that. Just be straight up and let him know how you feel. If it's meant for you two to be together, then it will happen regardless. He's the one locked up, not you.
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Old 09-17-2006, 03:31 PM
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Joshbabygirl I really think that u know the answers to ur questions already. Getting our opinions is not going to make the situation easy. I'll put it to u like this. I would only do for the person what I think they would do for me. If ur man is close to ur age there is no way ABSOLUTELY NO WAY HE WOULD BE FAITHFUL if u were in that position. And not becuz he didn't love u, but becuz everyone goes through the young and dumb phase. What do u guys really know about love. Hell what do any of us really know about love. U can make an attempt to stay and that's all he can ask for. U don't have to abandon him at all, but let him know that marriage is more than just the piece of paper u will have to look at. Personally if he really loves u he would wait on the marriage especially not knowing exactly how many years he's looking at. And yeah you could continue to have a life and experience things, but do u really want to do all that without the man u love. i have experienced plenty at 29 and still have places I want to see, but I want to do it with my husband not my friends. Some things are meant to do as a couple. So u guys can make ur own memories. Just my opinion.
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Old 09-17-2006, 03:43 PM
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There's a saying, "When in doubt, don't" You need to think of YOU and what YOU want out of life. Your a young lady who deserves to live your life to the fullest, not place it on hold for 10, 20 yrs due to someone's mistake. So, think about yourself first.

I would suggest taking a step back and look at the BIG picture.

G'luck to you.
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Old 09-17-2006, 03:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michela
No, you are not crazy at your age. You need to go live your life because you are too young to be doing 10-20 years, hon. Good luck!


I agree with this reply. I have to keep it real!! Be blessed
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Old 09-20-2006, 05:54 PM
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i think if your young and know you can't handle this then go on and live your life but you should definantly tell him this and be honest.. i'm also really young and my boyfriend got 10 years with a mandatory 85% so he really has to serve 81/2 and we still have 7 years left but i don't feel like im wasting my time & i never look at other men and want to be with them to me being faithful has been the easiest part of this.. so i think if your already having these kind of feelings you should save him and yourself the heartache and just move on
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Old 09-20-2006, 06:07 PM
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Oh joshsbabygurl, you are in a tough position !! I love that you care so much about this guy. But you also have to take care of yourself. I personally think it's not a good thing for you, at your age, to be putting your life on hold to wait 10 years for someone. What if Josh gets out and you two don't work as a couple any more ? And you spent 10 years waiting for him ?

Find a way to tell him what's on your mind. I know it's not going to be easy, it will probably be a tough and emotional set of conversations, but he needs to know how you feel and understand the difficulties you are going through. Everything you said is valid.

One more thing ... you don't have to be in a committed faithful relationship with him to be supportive.
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Old 09-20-2006, 06:37 PM
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joshsbabygurl,Hey there,I'm a married woman and I would'nt change that for the world.I have been married for 6 months,my husband has been away for 4 months...It hurts and I'm lonely and we have 14 more months to go...That is only a short time,but way to long to be away from someone you love...Being Faithful is the easiest part Miss Lady...You are young,that's why you are feeling this way and you should...You should not Marry this man,you are to young to sign up for loneliness...You have your whole life ahead of you,what you want now you won't want in 3 years and what you want then,you won't want by time your 25...LOve him,but love him from afar,you can still write and even except calls from time to time,but you need to remain un-married,there are so many things to do and see and people to meet...Do your thing Girl...You said he is the one you want to spend your life with...But that's impossible because he will be away for a 1/4 of your life....Live life!!!And love yourself first!
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Old 09-20-2006, 06:53 PM
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I havent read all the post..youre very very young...10-20 years is a long time.
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Old 09-20-2006, 08:50 PM
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hey girl! i can relate to you! im only 18 and just had a baby 2 weeks ago. my fiance is in the pen to and im not sure how long its going to be... id wait a life time for him, he is my soul mate... the best advice i could give you is... if your heart is telling you he's the one, DONT ruin that. one night a pleasure isnt worth a life time of happiness. 10-20 is a long time but true love is worth the wait. if you try to hide a one night stand he will end up finding out. sooner or later. trust me. but you should follow your heart... try to preoccupy your time, late at night when your feeling extra lonely... write him, sit down and write him a long letter. tell him everything, walk him through your day, tell him what your plans are for hte weekend, tell him whats on your mind!!! well i hope i helped... good luck
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