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  #1  
Old 09-16-2006, 09:21 AM
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Question You Think He'll be Different with You...

Ladies, we often hear "The Case of The X" , in some instances, we'll hear of X's... Nevertheless, there are hidden clues in the case file(s). It gives us a glimpse into the soul of the "new man" in our lives. It can mean the difference between A Healthy Relationship vs. An Unhealthy Relationship. Often, it's not the X that tells the story--it's our man.


You Think He'll be Different with You
(In memory of the all the other women who came before (and will come after), and once thought THEY were special too...)

... it won't happen to you. He'll be different with you.

You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time.

Written by
Annesthesia - Read the entire piece HERE.

Abuse--whether it's physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, and/or verbal abuse it's...all abusive behavior.

Edited by Admin to conform with PTO's Copyright Rules
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  #2  
Old 09-16-2006, 10:15 AM
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This is so my Ex husband. He was a cop and fit the above to a T. (not saying all cops due)
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Old 09-16-2006, 10:29 AM
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Abuse--whether it's physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, and/or verbal abuse it's...all abusive behavior


YES!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!! Do you have any idea how many times I've asked myself these same questions and asked them too of those very dear friends I've known over the years who have found their "soul mate", a man who has been in multiple relationships over the years with other "soul mates", and yet a man too for whom all those other relationships failed. I have begged my friends to open their eyes, to, at the very least speak with the ex to find out just exactly why the relationship failed. But do you think they will do that? Hell no cause we're really in love this time. The most recent broken relationship was with my friend I'll call "J". She was married to this low life (she was his 3rd wife) and refused for 14 years to admit what we all knew to be true:- specifically, that he was a low life, and that he was screwing everything in pants/skirts, you named it, female and male too. She would not admit it because she knew we were all just saying this because we didnot like him. Well, I did like him. We were the best of friends until I found out that he was using me as an excuse to go out prowling for other women and/or men. His wife never questioned him being out after midnight because he was with me, or so she thought. Well, to make a long story short, she finally woke up and kicked that low life to the curb. He's moved on to another sucker who also knows that his previous relationship failed because his wife, my friend "J" was a bitch and never understood or stood by him. The weird thing is that the new girlfriend/common law wife is an intelligent woman, not to mention an absolutely beautiful one. Anyway, thanx for asking all these questions. I was beginning, in my old age....LOL...to wonder if all women were either stupid or just naive. Read this girls and please please please take the message to heart. Ask questions. Meet with the ex/s and ask their side of the story. It does not mean you don't love your man but it does mean you're going into a life long relationship with your eyes wide open. You would not invest a thousand dollars without asking some serious questions about the proposed investment. Right? Well, here you're investing your life and, in many cases, I mean exactly that, your life on the words of a man who has a very poor track record. In my 26 years working in the Criminal Justice System, I have never never never met an abuser who stopped because he wanted to stop. Even in cases where the man has gone for in depth counselling, I still question the extent to which he can be trusted not to abuse again. If he tells you he stopped without years, and I mean years, of counselling, he's a liar!!!! And please, don't tell me it's because he found Jesus. I would love to have a dollar for every man I've met in prison who found Jesus. Believe me I'd be a rich man and would never work another day in my life. Remember, too, the nexttime I see you walking down the street on a foggy day wearing sun glasses, I'm going to confront you. I'm going to demand that you take off those glasses and show the world what a low life he is and how stupid you were for trusting him. Peace from Canada and all sorts of love
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Old 09-16-2006, 10:33 AM
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Ravenslove.........for your information cops have a reputation as being wife beaters and womanizers. You're right. Most don't are and not but believe me there are far too many of them that do and are. And they stick together to cover it all up. And, of course, their wives blame in on the job, on the stress and on society that does not understand just how hard it is to be a police officer. Of course, she has not idea just how often that same abuser assaults people in the streets just because he's had a bad day or worst just because he likes it. And steroids.....well, for another day. Don't get me going on those a**holes.....
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Old 09-16-2006, 12:42 PM
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Hey I hope someone reads ur post and see their "relationship" for what it really is and not what they want it to be. We all know of many woman who think this way but its very hard to decide whose to blame for a woman who goes into this type of relationship. Being naive is a tough shell to crack.
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Old 09-16-2006, 01:08 PM
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Question What should i do?

i am stuck in a sticky situation.. see my man is in jail right now for beatin the shit out of me and this is how it has been for over a year but this last time i was scared for my life when he held the gun to my head...i love him to death and i am not his only girl that he has done this to and i really want to be with him but i just dont know if this time he is going to change going to stop hurting me... he says that he has changed but how do i know for sure without going through it again? i just dont know what to do i have given him second chance after second chance and he always says that he has changed but how do i know this is the time..? i just dont know what to think everyone is telling me once an abuser always one but people do change... can you please help me im soooo confused... i love him more then anything and would hate to loose him...but i would also hate to loose my life over him?
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Old 09-20-2006, 06:37 PM
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Default Typical Abuser...

Quote:
Originally Posted by pebbles_05
but i just dont know if this time he is going to change going to stop hurting me...

He isn't going to stop. I THINK YOU KNOW THAT TOO.


The "other girls" that he did the same things to, no doubt have gone through a 'honeymoon phase' too. Probably more than once.

Take this time to take care of YOU
. Don't worry about HIM getting HELP! He'll find another woman to abuse, unfortunately. The fact that he's failed to seek the help he needs up til this point, it may be that he never will. You don't have multiple lives! Get some HELP/A SUPPORT SYSTEM--ASAP!

How do you know that he's gonna continue being abusive?


Quote:
Originally Posted by pebbles_05
this is how it has been for over a year but this last time i was scared for my life when he held the gun to my head...i love him to death and i am not his only girl that he has done this to
The violence is escalating!

Need more confirmation?
Quote:
Originally Posted by pebbles_05
my man is in jail right now for beatin the shit out of me and this is how it has been for over a year but this last time i was scared for my life when he held the gun to my head...


It's time to decide whether...

Quote:
Originally Posted by pebbles_05
i love him to death
or if...
Quote:
Originally Posted by pebbles_05
i would also hate to loose my life over him?

Loving HIM shouldn't come at the expense of YOUR LIFE!!!
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  #8  
Old 09-20-2006, 07:53 PM
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Pebbles - the only thing you really need to do is say goodbye.
You don't have much time left to either wake up or die. No, that's not over the top.
Let me suggest that you go to counseling. NOW. Because they can help you figure this out for yourself, and help you to understand how to NOT get lost to yourself. You are more important than the *love* for this man (though I am using "man" loosely). When you can turn the focus to YOU rather than to an US or HIM, then you'll have the wisdom to deal with his brutality.
HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
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Old 09-20-2006, 08:57 PM
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The fact is, HE WILL find someone else to take your place and abuse her just like he did you.

Thank you for posting this. Awesome!
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Old 09-21-2006, 03:22 PM
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My b/f of 5 years is into the same scam. I told him Sorry means you are going to try to stop this behavior. He's 44 and will probably never change either.
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Old 09-26-2006, 06:59 PM
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will you all say to leave him but how would i do that... it hurts not talking to him for just a day how am i supposed to leave him for good? deep down i know its not going to work with us but i jsut feel like i cant go on with out him... i cant leave him on my own i need help!
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Old 09-26-2006, 08:07 PM
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If he beat the s**t out of you, then contact the local domestic violence hotline, and tell them you love him, he beat you, he's in prison for it, and you're still waiting for him. That should get their blood moving on your behalf. They'll be glad to talk to you, and perhaps give you some of the answers you need.
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Old 09-29-2006, 09:53 AM
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Wow that was so good it kinda makes me sick, you think it will never happen to you...and yet I walked right into it eyes wide shut...and yet I love him..hmmm...I think I need to see a counclor.
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Old 01-10-2007, 12:14 PM
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my mans X has a restraining order on him and when we met he told me how he wished he never did the things that he did to her and how sorry he felt after it wasjust that she did these things to make him go crazy cheating lyin decieveing.....but guess what id ont cheat lie ect and he hits me also and he tells me its my fault i make him mad blah blah blah and he also compares me to his X all the tine same persn differant body is what he says......he fits the above to a T.
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Old 01-18-2007, 12:50 PM
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Red face 9 months now

yes as you all have said that things wont change with him it has been 9 months now that he has been put away for beatin me and nothing has changed... i am having the hardest time getting over him and i dont know what else to do to get him out of my life... i dont answer the phone now when he calls everyday i go a few days then it drives me crazy and i have to talk to him and its always him yelling at me for not answering then i go another few days not answering but i need to get him all the way out of my life.... i have started to move on but it seems like every guy i meet has something wrong with him and its always because he remineds me of something that steven has done... how do i get all those thoughts out of my head to move on already?
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Old 01-19-2007, 02:20 AM
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Wink A few Suggestions for you Pebbles

Pebbles~
I really do understand the types of feelings and emotions you are going through right now with your relationship. Just to first give you a little history about me.
I am 41 years old now. When I met my ex-husband I was fresh out of high school. I fell madly in love for the very first time with David. He became my everything and I knew, we both knew that we would be together forever. He was always a perfect gentleman at first. Always taking me out to nice places. Buying me nice gifts, giving me my own little spending cash. Etc.... etc....We were so much in love and i felt we had it all!!!

Two years later, we were living together and I was about to have our first child. By then, he knew my life story and how My Father had abused my Mother horribly and how afraid I was that this could happen to people that are supposed to love one another.

Long story short, the very first time David beat the crap out of me, I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with my oldest son. He had been drinking and it came out of the blue. The cops were called.. and I was so out of it, emotionally as well as physically that I didn't know what end was up. I was disappointed, scared, hurt, confused. I felt betrayed and I just couldn't understand why he would do this to me, especially since I was having our baby in less than 3 months!!!
This was in 1985. The police then told me that I would have to press charges if I wanted something to be done as they were not present to witness the abuse. ( this is how it was back then before all the laws had been changed). DV victims do not want to be the one to have to press charges for fear that the abuser my retaliate when they get out, or much worse, Kill you and be done with you.
I didn't learn my lesson, this time or the time after that... or even 5, 6, 7 and even 9 years and 2 more kids later!!!!!

I had come from a broken home. I knew in my heart that David would change. I just knew that it was ALL about his drinking and if he would just quit drinking, everything would be fine again!!!!!
WRONG ANSWER
Unfortunatley,..........they will never change once they first lay their hands on you because mentally, they have crossed that " forbidden" border or they have already done the " unthinkable". Once that line between love and hate is crossed, it is done.
I was told by all to leave the first time, and I did leave, repeatedly over an 11 year time. But, I really wanted it to work. I wanted a Father and a Mother to raise our beautiful kids. I wanted to live the lifestyle that I had been accustomed to. I was a stay at home mom, had everything I had ever dreamed of. We had the Home, the cars, money stabilty. etc etc...... But, it never changed our situation!!!! He never changed.


Suggestions for you Pebbles are this.
1) Change your phone number. If he doesn't have it, he can't call you.
2) Sign up for as many support groups for DV women ASAP
3) Forgive yourself for wanting to change your life and want something better. YOU are worth 150% better.
4) He has NOT learned his lesson and will NOT change for you or anyone else. He has proven this to you in his behaviour when he can't get his way and talk to you, he YELLS at you!!!! He is not changing pebbles and he NEVER will.
5) Seek professional help, ie: counseling for yourself. You have a lot of things inside now, feelings, emotional baggage, heartache etc etc... that you need to get out and talk to about with a PROFESSIONAL in order to start your healing.
6) Sometime in your day, ( this sounds really corny, or maybe even silly but it works) go up to any mirror in your home and say this " I deserve better and I am worth better. I am a beautiful person I am stronger and more intelligent than this. I can and WILL do this for ME"

Facts are, DV women do not have the self esteem, nor self confidence they had prior to the DV relationship because of the way in which they have been treated. We all need to remember that we all are worth something BETTER. We do not have to settle. Love does not mean we must sacrafice our soul in order to feel loved.
7) Last, but certainly not least......Love yourself everyday by helping you get better and accepting the fact that no matter what you want for this man, it was over the second he raised his hand to you . It is over, and anything you do past today will be because of you.
Your success is all up to YOU now.
Sorry I made this so long. But, somehow, maybe through all the abuse I have suffered in my lifetime, I feel as though every single woman who has been abused, or is being abused are all my sisters. I feel as though since I am a strong and proud, and very much loved survivor, I must do what I can to help those that are now walking in the shoes I wore for so very long.

I feel it is sort of a mission in life for me if you will.
One more thing Pebbles......... You are not a victim. Do not allow yourself to be the VICTIM!!!!!
Empower yourself with knowledge. Surround yourself with loving people. And, don't ever feel at any time that ANY of this was your fault. You are not responisble for locking him up. HE IS!!!!
May you take some of this and put it to good use. I am very long winded, I know..lol But, I mean well and I sincerely hope that everything goes well for you. There are a lot of wonderful people here on PTO that will support you and help you when you feel you need/want the help.
Good luck Pebbles. Blessed Be.
Feel free to PM me anytime !!!
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Old 01-19-2007, 03:15 AM
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Pebbles - you need counselling. You need to go to your local domestic Abuse center, or call their hotline, and start replacing him with other people who actually care about your pain and sorrow. And know how to help you find the ways to heal. He now has you traumatically bonded to him (look up Stockholm syndrome on the web). And in a strong moment you can write the warden and ask for no contact. It will stop the calls and the letters. You have to take steps to actively start getting stronger, because he will never change, and will prey on you if you're not strong enough to resist.
Bless you - many hugs.
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Old 01-19-2007, 10:53 AM
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Unhappy It seems to hard

I dont know if i have the strenght to move on i have been trying and i always seem to be giving in and i have changed my phone number about 3 times since he has been in to try to run from him but the days i cant take it anymore i give it to him then the phone calls start again... about how its all my fault, im just a cop callin bitch and if i would have just kept my mouth shut... and the only reason he talks to me like this is because i deserve it and if i would just know how to support and treat a man they wouldnt have to treat me like this... he said i bring it on myself and i am thinkin he is right... but i dont know what else i am not doing to support him i help him out in every way i can... when we talk on the phone he doesnt say anything so i tell him to call me later because it get spendy the phone calls and why waste them and not say anything..? then he starts to yell at me and say stupid things like that... it seems like if he has nothing to say he has to be putting me down...
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Old 01-19-2007, 12:00 PM
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It will get easier as time moves on pebbles. You might want to consider blocking his calls so when the phones rings you won't have to worry about getting yelled at or thinking it might be him. Good luck hun and don't be concerned about comparing another man to your Steven that too will fade in time.
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Old 01-19-2007, 02:16 PM
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Send off a letter to the warden that asks for no contact from anyone in his prison. The warden can block all the calls and letters. Then you don't have to keep listening to that soul-sapping crap coming out of his mouth. And the counseling can help you NOT go back.

Think about what you'll have coming to you (in his mind) when he gets out! It's going to be far worse than anything you've gone through so far. Guaranteed. If you don't get out NOW>
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Old 01-19-2007, 03:07 PM
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Sounds like my husband but i am his first wife. It's all emotinal but it still hurts real real bad.
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Old 03-01-2007, 09:11 AM
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This was incredible. There must me alot of men like this for it to read so easily! WOW
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Old 03-03-2007, 12:13 AM
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Post hard reality

Quote:
Originally Posted by pebbles_05
will you all say to leave him but how would i do that... it hurts not talking to him for just a day how am i supposed to leave him for good? deep down i know its not going to work with us but i jsut feel like i cant go on with out him... i cant leave him on my own i need help!
this quote really hit home my aunt use to say the same thing she thought she needed him no matter how much everyone tried to get her away from him she loved him very much and he was so hate ful to her he called her outta her name hit her almost daily nothing she did was right he would tell her he deseved a better woman told her she wasnt good enough still she stayed because she loved him and thought she could change him well i am here to tell you shedidnt change him he changed mine and the rest of her familys life forever when he beat her so bad she passed away after 2 days in intensive care even after this he blamed her she made him do it they never change sweetie if he loved you he wouldnt hit you love is suppose to be good it isnt suppose to hurt you are better than that and you deserve more people will tell you anger management is a good thing maybe for 1% he went didnt help none it pains me to see any female take this abuse i have heard many stories before my aunt died of the amount of woman killed by the hand of the mate i never thought it would happen to someone i knew especially someone i loved and my kids cherished babygirl no one can make you do this we can offer advice but in the end you have to come to terms with loving yourself when you find out how to love yourself you can break away you are not defined by him only left with low self esteem do you have family and friends you can turn to you will need all the support you can get but you dont need to be with someone who hurts you more than they love you i will pray for you that you can find the strentgh to pull yourself together and realize you deserve better if you ever need someone to talk to please pm me i wish i could of done something more for my aunt but sadly its to late for her if i could make a difference in one persons life she would be so proud to know one less female is hurting at the hands of the man they love

god bless you look down deep inside of yourself and you will find the strength to get out now before it is to late if he treats you like this on the phone imagine how it will be when he comes home i dont want you to be another statistic
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Old 03-07-2007, 06:38 PM
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I have a story to tell about thinking your special enough that he will not do the same thing to you. My ex had been my friend for many years prior to me taking my life in my own hands but deciding to date him. I was aware of his past and had been witness to his relationship with his ex wife. So I truly thought I was special at some point in this mess. He was mean to her but I always justified it by thinking that it all stemmed from her drug abuse. My mistake. I feel terrible now in retrospect. But like I said I believed him at the time and had seen her act so out of the ordinary at times that I had convinced myself that the lies he told me were true. So we started dating and at first it was a wonderful honeymoon period. He did everything for me and always made me feel extremely special. Then he got bored and found his next victim. I had no real idea that he had already found my replacement but I did know that I was being hit and disrespected in a way that I now know was his way of playing a sick game. I held on for entirely too long and allowed him to beat my self esteem down and have me and her. She calls me one day. The day I knew it had to be over for good and lets me know how wonderful and exceptional she believes this man is and informs me that I had it all coming. So I left and never looked back. Fast forward a few months and I hear that he has not only been beating her too. He has gone so far as to tie her to a chair and leave her in their house while he goes out. I guess to keep her where he wanted her. So she gets free and calls the cops. He is arrested. So now she is in the same boat as I. She is the victim of a man that made her feel special just as he did me. You never know how special a person can make you feel until you meet a monster in disguise. You think you know what he is capable of but you are blinded by his ability to make you feel better then you have ever felt before. Be leary of any man that has a violent history because history repeats itself.
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Old 03-23-2007, 09:41 AM
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pebbles_05 pebbles_05 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Anchorage Alaska
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Thank you to everyone... he is out now and just reading everything that you guys have said has always stayed in the back of my head... when he calls and wants to know were i am i remember everything that is being said on here and it keeps me from him... i really appriciate everyones efforts to helping me from getting back in that situations... thank you to everyone that has helped...

"Say who you are and do what you love
Because those who mind don't matter
And those who matter don't mind."
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