Would like feedback from the children..I gave birth to my only child in prison in 96.

[ladysoldier]

Hi, I did 7 yrs. and just got out in 02.
I gave birth to my son in 96, 5 mths. after I went in 95.
He is now 7, and going to be 8 in March.

I have custody, but he is w/his grandparents. His dad, I didn't tell on..he left me in prison and went to the Navy. He is active in his life, but I only get to see him like once a month. And I been out since Feb. 02! I have held a steady job, and even married...

I don't have money for a lawyer to seek permanent visitation, so I am pretty much stuck w/it like this for awhile.
I just wanted to know...

how many kids or children have went thru what my son has..and how do you feel about it?

Please let me know. I am 27 and think life is going to be torture.

[buggles4869]

Who says you can ONLY see him once a month? Whose rules are these? IF you have custody, then you have rights...you have a right to be involved in your child's life! Don't keep looking at your past and thinking you have been a "bad" mother, you have the future to LOOK forward to! Be involved...believe me, you will be glad you pursued it. My mother left when I was 11 and she never came back, I had to go looking for her...it was very disheartening.

Good luck!
Buggles

[lovinbilly4ever]

i agree w/buggles.

you mentioned you have custody of your son, but he is with his grandparents. hum. id think that if you had 100% physical custody, that you could see him whenever you want. or hell, if you had custody period. i mean 1 time a month. who made up these rules? a lawyer? judge? YOU? your sons grandparents?

i have never been in the type of situation as your son is in now, but, here comes the opinions..just bear with me..lol sorry

BUT, you have EVERY right to see your son, i understand you do not currently have the funds to hire an atty. have you thought about a "public offender"? even though they might suck, you will still be able to find out what rights you have as his mother as well as you having custody.

my dad.-WOW- thats all i can say..1 of a kind. BUT, he kidnapped me when i was younger...and after that lame little incident...he pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. long story short--he left, i never saw him, he died in 1999 w/o me knowing him.

SO, with that said, you are a rockin' parent. you made a mistake, you did your time, you are bettering yourself each day you are out. you have gotten married. you have been out for 1 1/2 yrs. looks like your doing pretty damn good!
AND, last but not least, you WANT your son in your life....

"god doesnt give you more then you can handle" i know that is so lame...but, i find it to be VERY correct, you said "i am 27, and think life is going to be torture". life wont be torture! once you get over this small hurdle...figure out what YOU need to do on YOUR end....hey was CPS involved with placing your son with your grandparents?

omg, this is so long. im sorry, once you get me started on a subject, its harder then hell to get me to shut up! lol but good luck, god bless, be strong and SMILE!!!

*hugs*

[ladysoldier]

Responses to the 2 above..

Public defenders only do criminal cases, appointed by a judge here in Iowa.
Although I have custody, so does his father, and he has lived with his great grandparents since he was born. I placed him with them, the state was never involved.
I have done much researching and have discovered that I DO IN FACT need a lawyer.
I do not have the money. They are rich, and I would be involved in a very lengthy, costly battle.
I see him the most from June to the end of July. Probably twice a week. But from Aug to May it sucks. They do not answer the phone, if they do, he is 'sick' and can't go anywhere...they get upset and say their schedule doesn't revolve around mine. I'm like that's cool...if we set up ANYTIME I COULD SEE HIM, I'LL BE THERE ..
That doesn't get me anywhere either.
I can't make these people LET me and my son spend time together unless I have enough money for a lawyer.

Since my son has been in their care, they claim him, raised him, and he has been at their address since birth, it is kidnapping and I am not going back to prison.

That's the law. I might not agree, and you might not agree..but that's just the way it is.

Basically I am frustrated and figure one day, when he is able to, he will contact me.
He will want to see me.
They watch him constantly..he can't call me w/out them 'allowing' him to. He snuck once and they caught him. Now they watch him like a hawk.

I just want to know from kids/or used to be kids, would you come looking for me if you were my son?

He might be mad, but at least I know I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY CAN. I never gave up.
I don't want him caught in 'the middle' anymore, so I am going to let him come to me when HE is ready.
Don't seem like too many are concerned with how HE feels, so I want to relieve some of his pressure.

[Deanna4Mom]

Maybe I can help you find the response that you are looking for. Please don't be offended by what I say here, but these are the hard facts of my childhood and I saw them and how I feel as an adult. Its going to be long......
My mother was incarcerated when I was 4 years old for 18 months. She was pregnant with my brother and she gave birth to him while she was in prision. They took him away from her when he was a day old. I went to live with my dad's sister when she went in. My brother was sent to his dad's mother when he was born. When my mother was released she ask me if I wanted to be with her or stay where I was. I chose to stay and she left me again to go after my brother. She moved closed to him and stayed in close contact with him for a few years. I heard from her sometimes and I remember seeing my brother for the first time when he was about three. The grandmother that had custody of him made the visits more and more difficult for my mother. She then got pregnant with my sister. My brother and sister have the same dad, but I have a different Dad. She married their dad in hopes of getting her children all together. This also resulted in disaster. She lost custody of my sister for a period of time. She got my sister back and continued to fight for my brother. I was in good hands so she continued to stay in touch with me and try to get the two of them together. This didn't happen until my brother was a teenager and began to ask questions about his mother. He was told she never wanted him and that they took him in. once he found out the truth he began contacting my mother on his own. They have a very strong relationship now. I can't say that he is comfortable with the things that happened but he has accepted her for who she is and the love each other very much. The system was very different then and has changed for the better of the past few years. My sister, brother, and myself are very close and love our mother dearly for the efforts she made to make us a family. But it wasn't until our adulthood that this took place. We all have children of our own now and because of her struggle are all better parents. I know that your son is still very young though and you shouldn't have to wait. Lawyers are very costly. But you do have other options. You can go through your local Dept. of Social Services and they can help you as long as you are honest with them and can provide a good home for your son. I scence by reading your post that you do not intend on persueing this any further. Letting him come to you may be an option, but not the only option. You do have the right to self-representation in any court. Go to your local library and find out what motions you can file. There is always a way to be heard in court. I know the system sucks but its what we have to work with. You just have to find a way to make it work for you. And believe me it can be done. I would be glad to gather information and send it to you if you are willing to use it. Don't let them take your son away. There is more you can do!!!
Please PM me if you want my help, I have experience in self-repensentation and would love to help!!



Deanna4Mom

[ladysoldier]

I have found out how to represent myself.
However I cannot go thru with it because by state law I will be ordered to pay child support and I cannot afford to pay 7 years back pay and current pay too.
My husband get child support taken out of his checks, and I cannot afford it as well.

I just really wanted advice on how children act later on. I know they lie to him, I know that already. I guess later on he will find me as well.

[Deanna4Mom]

Please don't think that i am being harsh or cruel here but i feel like i have to replay one more time. There seems to be alot more to this that I first understood. I am not judging you and I don't know the full details of the court matters. But they do have guidelines to the amount of support that can be withheld in every state. This includes any back child support owed. I have been trying to get the father of my children to pay for his children for 5 years now and they are willing to work with him as long as he keeps a job and his weekly payments up to date. They took both of our incomes and figured it up and come up with a figure in the middle for him to pay. They allow him to have enough money left over for food, clothing, and shelter along with utilities. He just choses not to keep a job. He only has to pay $25.00 per week on the back child support and his regular payment. He is 4 years behind on two children. With all do respect financial reasons don't seem like enough to keep a mother and child apart. Please don't spent the most wonderful years of his childhood wondering if he will forgive you and come find you when he is older. I am a mother of three and I have worked my butt off everyday of their lives so that they had what they needed. And I did it alone for the first 3 years. I worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time to put food on the table and a roof over their head. But no matter how tough things got the one thing that got all of us through was the love we gave each other. Sometimes thats all I have to give them but they know that I am always here. So I beg you don't ask "will he come to me later"because the present is now. NOTHING is worth waiting it out and wondering about the future. Grasp today. Pray and Our Father will give you the strenght and lighten the way. Don't give up and just wonder what he will think later. They are lying to him but show him the truth. A Mother's Love is the deepest, most enduring love of all. If it doesnt go your way in court go at it again, and again, and again. Then if he becomes an adult and you still didn't win he will know that you never gave up. You are in my prayers..


Deanna

[Judge Not]

When I grew up my dad was in prison... I wanted to go and see him, but he didn't want his children to see him there. He felt that it wouldn't be healthy for us... I was lucky because my mom let us write to him and he always responded. Well, after prison, we expected this big reunion from this dad that we'd been waiting to see, praying to see, and he stayed away. Not because my mom wouldn't let him see us, but because of child support. As a child, the support issue is irrelavent... means nadda, the only thing that means anything to the child is that the parent is willing to do whatever it takes to be a part of their lives... Later on, I did find my dad... didn't confront him with my feelings of abandonment, but absolutely adored him... I, even as an adult, needed my daddy.... I stayed in his life up until the day he died... I am glad that I was able to get to know him and to be a part of his life... I know that he wasn't a strong man as far as fighting for family, but he was still my dad... I do wish he would have tried to be a part of our lives... My other siblings had allot of anger towards him and didn't pursue him as I did... It's sad for them, but they felt that if he had truely loved them, then he would have made more of an effort. I guess I'm the more realistic one as I realize that he was the best he could be and did what he thought was right at the time.... I don't have the answer for you, but if that was my own son, I'd fight until death... I'd live on their porch if I had to so that he would know that I'm there for him....

I wish you the best.... prayers sent out to you...

[GSPack]

Boy this is a heartbreaking thread. I can sypathzise with ladysolder in her delimma. Chld support is a bad issue nowdys. You re d#@mmed if you dont and D#@med if you do. I too(although not jailed) was forced into aa situaion that caused me to loose my 2 yongest children, when my ex-husband decided to gt into an affair with my 18 daughtter(this same chld ccused him of sexual abuse, 6 yrs earler and he was investigated, not found guilty in a sense but as long as she maintained the abuse, he ws forbidden contact with her and she could not return to my home as long as I chose to stay with him..her background was questionable as she was consntly accusing men of this charge). Becaause of her past behavior she was at the time in Fl Sheriff Ranch under therapy. To make a long story short Florida determined it was in the best interest of this chld and her youngeer brother to termnte my rghts as a parent. They told me that there ws now wy I could win as I was not phsycololgst and would never be unable to hndlke them and their behviors. Of course they were nice and ttold me that they would drop all child support owed but I would be prosecuted i I ever mde contact before they were 18. When my ex and daughter got to gether t created another separtion from mother and children, his mother taking away "our" 2 young children, buy the time the divorce was done(I was not supposed to pay child support as my health would interfere with steady employyment) i was amost $7,000 behind. During the next 8 or 9 yrs she always allowed me contact (even colllect clls)with the 2 little ones. But was never really able to partcpate n their live except by long distant and the fear of jail for failure to pay child support.
At the ripe age of 47 I ended this hertbreking existence by gettng addcted to Crack cocaine...After 3 years, I finally called her tellng her I needed place to live, could I come "home"? Her terms: no more drugs and i said yes! Even though she had alterior motves(get me back in court) she sved my life and gave me a reason to stay clean! My kids! See like you "lady" too feared the child support ssues, I now hve bill of 15,000 to their grandmother and the sttes interest is atroucous..I wll never in my lifetime repy it all back. Wht have I gained..time with my two babies( lke sports games nd graduation; Visists to my own "new" home!) and respect from them for facing their graandmother and the system. Rather than stuggle tryng to work due to unpredictable health issues, I filed for my disabilty and although t took me almost 2 years I finally won and with both kids over 19, an automatic garnishment is taken out of my month check I never even miss it as I never relly had it. My point If you really love your son and want to spend time with him you can fnd a way. If you want custody of him and you have a good home with your husbnd( he must be willng to support you in this endeavor) and you volunteer to see a counselor with you local health deprtment on parenting classes before you take the step before going into court( you dont need to tell tha grands). Since you placed him with hem and DHR has not been involved nd you were incrcerated, and they never once tried for child support, even after you got out and started working, it sounds as thou they are using this as a leverage over you to keep you from attempting to get your son.. If you need help starting this I will talk to you by email and IM..

GSPack

[samiam158]

dear lady....opinions being like a**holes....i have one too...as your child grows older he will come to form his own opinions about you, grandma & pa. I know it's hard to go and see him only once a month...but bottom line...is he being well taken care of ...if the answer is yes...love him the best you know how...children grow up and they see things for what they are worth...never do or say anything negative about who has him...they love him too....children will grow up and know...think of the best interest of the child....i have first hand knowledge of this not as the child but as the parent of adult children...put him first...always..

[GSPack]

I hear what Sam is saying, and she is right. But if you want your son to live wth you you can do it in a way that is fair to both parties includng your son...To start with he could stay with you on the weekends, so that he may continue wth hs current schooling..You could offer to help them $ wise with only whaat you could afford or even buy things you think he needs, keeping your receipts..Can yuou call hm if you need to.things like that.

[ladysoldier]

This all sounds good, maybe some didn't read my previous posts. I think u should.

I have afford to help money wise, they do not want my help. If I go to get custody the judge will make me pay child support. The lowest rate in IOwa is $70.00 a week, I cannot afford that.

I can't even get to the point where I TRY and get custody..because I do not have the money anyway...so it is all really irrelevant.

I still see my son about once a month. Do I like it? No. Is it life? In my case, yes.

As for Deanna....Yes, you r entitled to your opinion...although I think you are being kind of condenscending regarding my circumstances. I don't know if you think I am 'whining' or just sitting on my ass..I just shed some light on a problem that exists and have proved no matter what ya do...money can stop alot of things.

If you don't have it, you can be screwed, in cases of 'trying to get custody.' Than, if you have money to get custody, you don't have the money to pay child support as HIGH as they make you pay according to state laws, NOT YOUR INCOME.

And in Iowa, if I went to court, lets say and did NOT win custody, I am still going to have to pay 8 yrs. child support, and will still not be able to see my son regardless.

I know all the facts in my case..I know I have exhausted every option HUMANLY POSSIBLE. Is this how I started my post?

NO. I posted wanting feedback FROM CHILDREN OF PARENTS WHO SERVED A LONG TIME IN PRISON...TO SEE HOW IT AFFECTED THEM.

So. Lets drop the other irrelevant things surroundings..considering only I KNOW what I have done...concerning child custody wise.

Lets get back on subject!

[~cheenna~]

my two cents ... why do you think YOU are responsible for all the child support ... his father is just as responsible ... common sense would say he may even be more responsible ... you were in prison ... his father abandoned him! Think about it ...

[ladysoldier]

His dad sees him like everyday of the week, and he lives 30 min. away. He buys him clothing, pays for this tuition (my son goes to a private school), he does alot of support already.
Thats why.

[Deanna4Mom]

Maybe I did misunderstand what information you were looking for. So if you want to know the emotional side of children who deal with their parents incarceration here goes...My mother is incarcerated now and was incarcerated for two years when I was 4 years old. During which time she gave birth to my brother. Although she was only incarcerated for two years that was enough to cause my siblings to spend our entire childhoods wondering what it was like to have a brother and sister to play with everyday and what it would be like to spend Christmas together and seeing each other only when it was convient for all of the adults in our lives. Then feeling that we were strangers who loved each other even though we really didn't know each other at all. As we became adults our mother became sick and needed all of us. So we were there for her and loved her. but one question never left my mind. "What about all of the times I was sick and needed her or when I was scared and thought she was dead or just didn't love us." Now that I am an adult I realize between the three of us she was pulled in so many different dirrections she couldnt have us all together. I love my mother dearly. I also have to explain her mistakes to my children and that is very difficult. Childhood is the shortest stage of your life but leaves the biggest impact. So if you are looking for someone to tell you that when your son is grown he is going to forget everything and come to you as if his whole childhood never happened you wont get that for me. I never said yu were sitting on your A** either I was only trying to be helpful. I didn't mean to offend you and I know that you came here to get support and comfort and I am sorry for your situation. If you have done everything possible then congratulations. But the effect that these things leave on a child is lifelong and Myself,brother and sister are living proof.