his stinkin thinkin raised its ugly head today & I got caught in the cross fire

[kingscowgirl]

Hello,
I am new here, and I am married to a crack addict. He is also an abuser. We have been married ten years. Long story short, I have drawn my boundaries with him. I have made it clear that drugs and abuse are deal breakers for me. SInce then, we have been doing well ( it has ony been since May that this came about) and then on Monday he calls me, and in the conversation tells me his brother is worried about him coming back here after he gets out (there is no longer a no contact on him, he will be done with parole) because after all, I AM the one who originally sent him up the 1st and 2nd times he went in (for the DV). I tell him this irritates me and he starts to go off. I end the conversation, sticking to my guns. I refuse to dance with him this way any more.

Then I get his letter today. All I can say is "verbal vomit". He is back to blame and shame, of course none of HIS choices got him where he is today..it is ALL my fault, even this last violation, which I was no where around for. He relapsed, and got a new case. In the letter he somehow manages to convince himself that I even was behind the 12 months flat he got this time because, of course, I REALLY want him in there, not home with me, helping me with the bills, and our life together. At first I am angry and then, I pray, and go to hurting . I pray some more. I then sat down and wrote the letter that I have known would be coming for quite some time. I am careful not to enter into the game of blame and shame as it serves no purpose. I do manage to speak my truth and honestly say I am no longer willing to be abused by him in any way, including letters like this. I feel peace. I also feel much pain. I feel pain because I know that I am ready to walk away. I do not want to, but, depending on how this plays out, I am ready to. I feel relieved to have spoken the truth in love but it also makes me sad.

Regardless of the outcome, I will rest in the knowledge that I walked it thru as my Lord would have...with love and compassion, not with anger and bitterness. I have placed the ball and the responsibility of owning his actions totally back in his court. If he wants to play ball with me, there will be no compromising the rules of the game any longer.

Addicts tend to see things in the light of their twisted perspective, I know, I am also an addict. Because of this I know I have come to the point in our marriage that I have to "let go and let God" handle the final resolution in his heart. IF he can manage to get to a real place of ownership, there is hope for us, if he can't, well, I pray he gets where he needs to.

He called while I was writing my letter, and I managed to not discuss it with him, even though he knows I got his letter and he was scratching for a fight. I did not give him one. I told him I flatly refused to discuss it with him. I am no longer willing to be bullied into discussions I am not emotionally prepared for, no longer willing to be a scapegoat.

All of this IS empowering, but it hurts like hell. I am definately not the girl he married. I am just not sure he truly understand that yet. I am praying he comes to understand...

Thanks for this place, it helps just to be able to say these things "out loud"

[angelica916]

Sorry your going thru this with your man. I too, was married to an addict before and it's no fun at all. Stick to your guns. You deserve to be happy. Good luck.

[AmyLynn]

You really sound like you know what your doing. I wish you the best in all of this. I have loved an addict and played the game with him for years. Even after we were long and over. I could not get out of the game with him. I did learn that he is an addict that doesn't think that he needs to change or anything is wrong but medical problems and just the way he looks anymore could say different but he has made his choice in life and I will not let the girls or I be in that game anymore.. Stand Strong cause this is one hard road to go down.

[Lisaa731]

He will eventually realize your out of the game. Its called tough love and I have used it and have had it used on me. It got me clean and has kept me clean for 14 years now. Sometimes its too late to ever mend the relationship but its an act of love and an act of self-preservation. People were as sick and tired of me as I was sick and tired of the lifestyle. I am grateful to the man that tough loved me. That relationship ended but his stand made me take a stand with my addictions. My bf is incarcerated for possession and I can deal with it using my own past experiences. I do not enable him or allow him to lay blame anywhere but where it belongs. With himself. Lisa

[Billy'sBabygirl]

Hang in there. Tough love is the best. Keep up the good work. My prayers are with you {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}

[kingscowgirl]

Angelica and Amy Lynn - thank you for the kind words asnd support. It means so much to remember I am not alone in this battle.

Lisa- thanks for these reminders. It is tough love, tough not only on him but on me. I do know though that it is the only hope our marriage can have. I am trying just to be in the moment, stay in character, and leave the results up to God. I have learned that sometimes the best way to love him is to release him to himself-to his thoughts and fears.

BBG-thanks so much for the support. I have sead some of your posts, in fact, yesterday, before all of this went down ad I know it was God preparing me for what He knew was in front of me last night. I am so grateful for this place.

[kingscowgirl]

Just wanted to come and share where I am at so far today. I am in the process of all of the emotions that come with loving an addict/abuser. I did not sleep well because I kept thinking of things I wanted to add to my letter to him. Most of them were things I would have said in the past, attacking back. I did go back this morning and read my letter and I did change some things but I kept it as it was intended, without accusations and without the games of the past.

This morning, I came here and found some solcae in the replies and in some other posts I read. I am truly grateful to God for bringing me here to PTO. He knew I needed to be here so I can be supported in my stand with Norman. I have called my sponser, and I have been before the Lord, crying and in prayer. I want so much to handle my part in this relationship differently. I want to no longer REact but to act from a place of tought love. So far, I think I am doing thaat, but man, it is SO HARD.

He is supposed to call this morning at 7:30 to get an address that I did not have last night. I am pretty much dreading that call. I intend to stick to only the address and other, unimportant issues in the conversation. I am wanting to stand firm in not allowing him to continue this stuff he has dumped on me. Last night when he called, he tried to manipulate me...said he loved me...and was going down the path of "you know I only wrote that letter for your own good..." but I stopped him. Another load of cr*p.

As I sit here, I feel beaten up emotionally. I feel tossed around, but I also feel as though I am making forward progress. I am asking God to direct every word from my mouth and every action I take concerning this matter. I want no more part in the dance of destruction.
please keep me in your prayers today.

[SINCO]

You are a Strong Woman and I commend you for the battle you have taken on. Comming from experience, it will get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better. Just rember, God gives us only what we can handle. Never more Never less. Stay strong and you will come out with exactly what it is you need. God bless you!

[Eternal Hope]

Kingscowgirl,
I understand what you are going through, and praise you for the tough love you have shown. I realize the range of emotions you are feeling right now, and I do sympathize with you!! We are all very glad that found PTO, and that just being able to share and receive the support we feel is helping you to get through this part of the journey in your life. You will definitely be in my prayers, today, and always....I know this is tough, but we are here for you!!! Never forget that!!!!!!!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[sandra8376]

I'm praying for you also. I'm married to an addict as well, yet mine is learning to manage his addiction & turning more toward God every day. It could have easily have turned out just like your situation, though (it took 2 revocations to get where he is right now).

Stay strong.

[nimuay]

You've got my sympathies . . . he's got 2 separate, but related problems - the addiction and the abusiveness. The first is much easier to manage than the second, as you're becoming well aware of. He's in prison, and not drugging, but he can still manage the verbal abuse! You're going to have to keep being very strong to avoid firing back at him when you talk in real time; I know. It's hard not to let him shove all the blame on you, and as soon as you point out what he's doing, another topic of your failing will start up, and then another. Then suddenly lovey-dovey, then back to blame. . . Be very clear in your mind that YOU are more important than your marriage, and do not let either the abuse or the *lovingness* sway you.
Best of luck!

[California Sunshine]

Hang in there and stick to your guns,you sound like a very strong woman and while this is and will be hard and painful you can do it (((HUGS)))

[kingscowgirl]

EH-Thank you so much for the encouragement and prayers...it does help to know I am not alone

Sandra-Thank you for your words as well...he has made big strides toward curbing his anger. He has participated willinglly in the classes as well as individual counseling. That was all mandatory before he was allowed to come back home this last time. I took my stand then, and am standing on it still. I think that is why when the anger does sometimes show up like this, out of nowhere it sometimes hurts more than ever before. I am not sure that makes sense but that is how it feels...they say "2 steps forward, 1 back". What remains now is to see if he is willing to own it and take another step forward. Without forward progress, we have nothing to hope for.

Nim & Cali- thank you both so much for the encouragement and support.

[kingscowgirl]

Wanted to update about the call yesterday morning. It went better than I had expected. He called with much love, of course, and I told him I loved him too but still did not want to talk about the letter he sent. He went along with this and we talked for a few minutes about our daughter and some things that are going on with her (She is 19).

After a few minutes, I felt like I needed to say to him "you know you are my heart". I was choked up a bit and was thinking of my letter to him which I had just finished when I said it. He said he did know that and I was his heart too, and then he said "when you say things like that it scares me, like you are going to do something". I know this is part of the manipulation that he does. It did feel good though to for a moment have him thinking about whether or not he might be getting a "dear John" letter. I did let him know that he had nothing to worry about, that I was ok, just not willling to discuss this with him on the phone. I did not tell him I was sending a letter. I want the full impact of my words to happen as he gets it and reads it, not for him to have time to think about and project about it.

I could tell when we ended the call, he was scared, and I think that is a good thing. I don't mean that in a manipulative way, but I think that is the best way he really gets things some times. When he knows I am at my limit and the boundaries may change. I am sending the letter out today. It has been prayed over, and I am praying it reaches him in God's timing, so he can hear it and understand, instead of continuing the drama.

Today, I am sad and even a bit nervous about it, but I am mailing it. There is that old part of me that trembles a bit when I stand up for myself. I know it is the right thing, and I know I am safe, but old habits die hard. His abuse of me has mostly been emotional and verbal, and so I guess the fear is that he will retaliate against the letter. Regardless, I know it is the right thing for me, and what is in it needed to be said. I spoke the truth in love, and the rest is between him and God.

My plan for today is to keep busy, although what I want to do is crawl back under the covers and cry and sleep and drown myself in Liftetime movies. SOmethimes, I do allow this for myself, but today I know that behavior like that will lead to depression and I do NOT want to go there. So, business will ahve to be the course of action.

He is supposed to call either tonight or tomorrow. I found myself glad this morning that he did not call yet. I pray God 's timing for that next call. Thanks again for letting me have this space to vent and get this all out. It is part of how I keep my own sobriety going. The enemy wants nothing more than to drag me back, but I am NOT having any of that. It os God's way alone for me, one day at a time.

Blessings,

[HeSoHandsome]

Originally Posted by kingscowgirl

. . . I am definately not the girl he married. . . .
Thanks for this place, it helps just to be able to say these things "out loud"

And he's definitely not the man you thought you married. That's marriage for you, and, that's why they have divorce. People don't always get that person they thought they had before marrying, that Romeo they believe they have when they get their "I Do" on.
My main thing with him is the abusiveness -- that's just too much. My husband was an addict too, but not ever was he abusive and crazy with me. Actually, because hiding is a symptom of the drug, he didn't want me to see him in that condition (tore up) so when he did come around he tried to act and be his normal, which was sweet and loving.

With the drugs your husband is destroying himself and with the abuse he's destroying you. Girl don't wait until there's nothing left to yourself before making some moves. When it comes to abuse, you really should have been made some moves.

Bless you Girl, and I'm sorry.