You Know What's Weird About Loving An Addict

Billy'sBabygirl · #1 05-05-2006, 12:57 PM

You know what's weird about loving an addict, is you feel so damn guilty about making the right choices. And do you know why we feel so guilty, because it's what we haven't done before.

We have let them manipulate us. We've let them steal from us. We've let them put us into debt. We've given them 3rd and 4th chances. We've let them cheat on us. We've put our lives aside trying to save their lives. We've lost who we are for them.

So when we finally put our foots down, we feel guilty. Not because we don't deserve to put our foots down, but because we feel as if we're betraying them. But all along we have been betraying ourselves for them.

It's weird how we can care for everyone else, but the moment we start caring for ourselves we feel guilty.

Just some thoughts

witchlinblue · #2 05-05-2006, 02:22 PM

You have described 'co-dependency'. The weird part is when you actually start realizing that our behaviour is not normal. That is a good thing to realize. There is often more than just the addict who is sick, more than not there is a loved one who is sick with co-dependency. We allow ourselves to get sick with it and the addict needs us to be sick with it in order to manipulate us.

p.s. I think your siggy says it all

Billy'sBabygirl · #3 05-08-2006, 06:39 AM

Witchlinblue,

You are so right on this one. Co-dependency is as much of an addiction as the drugs our partners use. They say the first sign is recognizing any addiction. We must first heal ourselves in order to help them heal themselves.

Thanks on the siggy

Eternal Hope · #4 05-09-2006, 12:09 PM

Amen to both of you!!! Being a co-dependant is sometimes very hard to see for those of us who are one... ( it is a way of life for many, until they realize what is going on) but it is so true that it is an addiction as well. When we do "wake up", we can truly begin to help our loved ones the right way after we understand and help ourselves!

Billy'sBabygirl · #5 05-09-2006, 12:42 PM

Since we're on the subject of co-dependency which I am definitely. Did you know there is a whole 12 step program for co-dependency. My therapist told me about it and I google and found this great site.

http://www.coda.org/codameet.html

Hope this helps any one.

**AmyLynn** · #6 05-09-2006, 12:54 PM

Loving the addict is hard but loving yourself is harder to do..

dad_a_lifer · #7 05-09-2006, 08:10 PM

It's because time and time again we hear, "It's a disease" and you wouldn't abandon him if he had cancer would you? That's what makes me feel guilty and makes me stay.

witchlinblue · #8 05-09-2006, 08:31 PM

Oh you are so right about the 'guilt disease' blurb. Its a great trap for anyone with a good heart. However what we all have to keep in mind is there is a big difference between someone having a disease like cancer and a disease like addiction. Often with many diseases our lives can be in the hands of the medical profession. With addiction its the addict who makes the steps towards 'remission' !!
I have felt the guilt of the 'disease' card, and I should know better since Ive battled and won the same 'disease' and found my own remission, though not a cure.
That guilt is an easy trap to get into but all our talking about it is what will give us all strength and knowledge to make the right decisions. Im so glad that so many of us can talk so freely about our fears, the guilt, and the heartbreak as well as exchanging experiences. It will give us all strength and some of the support we need. Thank God for PTO and the members who share all of these feelings. Its what keeps many from feeling alone in this forum. GROUP HUG !!!!!!!!!

MonkeyBoi77 · #9 05-09-2006, 10:43 PM

ACK I HATE THAT WORD, co dependecy thats just nassy LOL sorry had to vent!

I have been that way for years but come to realize that I can do things and not feel guilty, etc. and I love myself more when my addict actually says damn its about time, even though she tried to get me to do this and that a week before, its the tough love co dependcy issue.

Have any of you ever felt like no matter what they do or what they say, you just can't see yourself without them in your life somehow?

hightek669 · #10 05-09-2006, 11:56 PM

OMG, CAN A SISTER GET AN "AMEN?" I TOTALLY FEEL YOU ON THIS ONE. MY BOYFRIEND IS IN JAIL NOW & JUST MIGHT BE GOING UP THE ROAD (TO PRISON) (FOR A VERY LONG TIME) FOR A WARRENT THAT WAS TAKEN PLACE YEARS AGO (BACK WHEN HE WAS 18-- HE IS 26 NOW... YOU DO THE MATH). I AM SCARED TO DEATH THAT HE WILL END UP THERE. I HAVE HEARD WHAT PRISON IS LIKE & HOW THEY TREAT YOU THERE. I AM WORRIED THAT IF HE ENDS UP THERE, THAT HE WILL END UP BEING "SOMEONE'S BITCH" (GETTING RAPED, IN OTHER WORDS)--- AND GUYS, THIS IS NOT FUNNY. HE IS A DRUG ADDICT AND WAS BEFORE WE EVEN MET. FUNNY THING IS, WE WERE BOTH GETTING HIGH (ON ECSTASY) THE NIGHT WE MET. THEN WE FELL IN LOVE & WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER EVER SINCE. I CAN'T SAY I BLAME HIM FOR MY DRUG USE. HE DID NOT FORCE THE DRUGS ON ME-- I CHOSE TO DO THEM. I WAS JUST AS GUILTY AS HE WAS. WE GOT HOOKED (REAL BAD) ON COCAINE. IT JUST GOT WORSE, TO WHERE HE WAS PAWNING EVERY LITTLE THING WE HAD AND DID I TRY TO STOP HIM? NO. I LET HIM DO IT. I DID NOT PREVENT IT. HE EVEN PAWNED SOME OF MY STUFF. DID I YELL AT HIM AND SAY, "ARE YOU CRAZY? I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU PAWN MY CAMERA?" NO. I WANTED MY FIX, AS WELL, SO YEAH, I LET HIM DO IT. I LET HIM TALK TO ME & CALL ME ALL KIND OF NAMES. I TOOK IT & WHEN HE APOLOGISED, I ACCEPTED HIS APOLOGY. WHEN HE WENT OFF WITH HIS FRIENDS AND WOULD COME BACK HOME AT LATE HOURS, DID I CONFRONT HIM? SOMETIMES, YES, BUT HE DIDN'T CHANGE IT. WHEN HE CHEATED ON ME, DID I HAVE MY STUFF PACKED WHEN HE ARRIVED? NO. I TOOK HIM BACK AND GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. I LET HIM CONTROL ME. I LET HIM MANIPULATE ME... LIE TO ME, MAKE FUN OF ME, TALK BAD ABOUT ME TO OTHERS, ETC. WHEN YOU LOVE AN ADDICT, YOU WILL DO ANYTHING FOR HIM OR HER, JUST TO MAKE THEM HAPPY. SO, READING YOUR POST ALMOST BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES B/C I REALIZED THAT THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE WHO FEEL WHAT I FEEL & WHO DESERVE A LOT BETTER.

Billy'sBabygirl · #11 05-10-2006, 06:48 AM

Hightek669,

Oh I can definitely relate, yesterday I was in a store he worked at three years ago. One of the managers asked if I had seen or heard from him. When I told him where he was, she asked if I was his room mate. When I told her at the time I was his girlfriend, she had that stupid shock look on her face. I'm still finding things out and I still don't know where to stand with him.

As with any disease, we all must take the necessary steps to either heal ourselves or give up. Unfortunately many addicts just give up. It's not that their hearts aren't ready, it's the mind. They see no other way to numb the pain or to get that great feeling.

I still feel guilty after 3 years of dealing with his disease. But like you when I stand up to him, he does say it's about time. Once when he was in DOC last year he made a list of things pros and cons on me. The first thing was I give into him, no matter what, just to make him happy. It's that damn nuturing and guilt in me.

And I am very grateful I found PTO. Without you guys I would have been so lost!!!

Shelby · #12 05-11-2006, 11:30 PM

Guilt is a common tool used by others to obtain their own desires. To learn to distinguish the truth of guilt will give you a freedom to act upon your own behalf.

False guilt continues an enabling pattern and can convince you in various ways, somehow, YOU are responsible for an addict’s behavior. False guilt accuses: You weren't strong enough or You were too strong, You weren't loving enough or You were too loving, You allowed or You didn't allow. The accusations are never-ending.

False guilt receives strength from the fact you are searching for a rational, logical explanation to the irrational, illogical behavior of a drug addict.

The two forms of guilt: Genuine guilt--that is when we violate man's law or one's moral belief. False guilt comes from misconceptions of feelings, emotions that are totally messed up or illogical, and causes a person to actually feel guilty without committing any type of violation.

The addict is a master manipulator of false guilt. His unfounded accusations suggest your guilt. A blameless addict holds the right to continue his drug use. He is always able and willing to lay blame on somebody else. Sadly, many pick up that burden because he won't. The victim then feels a need to carry that weight or burden. This false guilt then becomes an overwhelming feeling that has no definable reason. This pressing sense of guilt can slowly destroy your well being.

Realize false guilt is a method of deception and can keep us from taking a stand to better our life. Freedom of false guilt begins with TRUST. We must learn to trust ourselves and to the trust the truth.

False guilt will produce fleeting unfounded, illogical feelings of self-blame for another's actions.

Actual or true guilt is obvious and hard to run from. We are not in a drug induced state of mind, so we know when we are guilty. With all my heart, I believe we have the ability to know and understand without a doubt when we do something wrong.

Freeing yourself from deceptive false guilt is an enlightening experience. It is necessary to rid yourself of this type of guilt to make good, sound decisions for a better life. We must learn to trust ourselves.

kellil · #13 05-12-2006, 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Billy'sBabygirl

You know what's weird about loving an addict, is you feel so damn guilty about making the right choices. And do you know why we feel so guilty, because it's what we haven't done before.

We have let them manipulate us. We've let them steal from us. We've let them put us into debt. We've given them 3rd and 4th chances. We've let them cheat on us. We've put our lives aside trying to save their lives. We've lost who we are for them.

So when we finally put our foots down, we feel guilty. Not because we don't deserve to put our foots down, but because we feel as if we're betraying them. But all along we have been betraying ourselves for them.

It's weird how we can care for everyone else, but the moment we start caring for ourselves we feel guilty.

Just some thoughts

You know what you said is so true. I dont want to do this anymore. I just dont know how to do anything else anymore. Its killing me.

MonkeyBoi77 · #14 05-12-2006, 11:12 PM

I feel guilt every damn day for getting mad at her that day and telling her to leave me alone and not call me, if I wouldn't have done that she wouldn't be in jail in the first damn place. She tells me its not my fault and to stop feeling guilty but deep down inside I truly regret doing that, she would have never been beaten (broken ribs,etc) by her ex boyfriend and sure as hell not gang raped by him and his sorry ass friends. What I would give to take it back.

Billy'sBabygirl · #15 05-15-2006, 08:40 AM

Kellil,

I know how you feel. My best advice is to take baby steps. It seems we loose ourselves in caring for them. I actually had to sit down and take a couple of days last month and figure I what I did before he came along. I even surprise myself with what I came up with. Think of everything you use to enjoy, mine were reading, raquetball, riding bikes with my girls and just hanging out with my kids.

Start off small. But hang in there and if you need anything pm me.