What should I do..... Advice needed

punkrocker16 · #1 07-07-2003, 11:06 PM

Is it wrong that I am pretty much abandoning my dad for raping a girl my age a few years ago??? Some people tell me it is some people tell me its not. I feel so confused because the people telling me that it is wrong are people in my family like my aunt and uncle but they dont understand where I'm coming from....... The people who tell me It's not wrong are my mom and 2 of my best friends..... The others are all undecided and dont know what to tell me..... Dont get me wrong there is still a place in my heart for my dad but I dont know if i could ever just hang out with him again knowing he did what he did...... I am so lost and confused I think I need some help

punkrocker16 · #2 07-10-2003, 11:15 PM

Please help me I need some advice....... Please help anybody....

DENIMBLUE · #3 07-10-2003, 11:38 PM

DO YOU WRITE HIM NOW? WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU HAVE WITH HIM NOW? WHAT ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE AS YOU GET OLDER YOU MAY CHANGE YOUR MIND ON THINGS AND THAT'S HOW WE LEARN ABOUT OURSELVES AND LIFE IN GENERAL.

Freya · #4 07-10-2003, 11:43 PM

PunkRocker,

The answer to your question has to come from within. And I believe the answer is fluid. Like a shift-changer it can change from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

The key is in finding forgiveness. You can love the sinner and hate the sin. After all, this is your father we are talking about.

I don't doubt for a minute that you don't love him.
Your best friend in this matter may be time. Don't close the door completely and leave a little homelight burning in your soul for your dad.

Love and aloha,

Freya

toi_ama · #5 07-10-2003, 11:44 PM

I understand your feelings very well. I don't blame you for how you're feeling, and I think you need to give yourself time to heal. Your mom and your two best friends are probably the best ones to listen to. You just do what you feel you can cope with. Forcing yourself to have anything to do with your dad when your heart isn't in it would be the wrong thing to do at this time. If later on, your inability to forgive your dad is giving you trouble, maybe you could seek some counselling. Forgiving is something we do to heal ourselves, we don't do it for the person we're forgiving, although sometimes amends are made that way. But for the time being, just give yourself time and space. And it might be a healing thing for you if you were to write your father a letter, telling him just how you feel very honestly. You can either mail the letter to him, or not, whichever you want. You could even put the letter away and just save it for some time later on when you want to send it to him. The very most important thing is that you be allowed to heal. Give yourself that time. If some of your family don't understand, then they'll just have to not understand. Hugs! I'll keep you in my prayers.

laydee_vet · #6 07-11-2003, 03:02 PM

He's your dad. Follow your heart.

Valerie · #7 07-13-2003, 01:59 AM

Do what is best for you now and your feelings may change down the line.This must be very hard for you, God Bless

flygirlaa2 · #8 07-13-2003, 02:09 AM

Unfortunately, only you know what is best for you. If you decide you need a break to work out how you feel about this, that does not mean it is forever. Take you time, maybe talk to a counselor. You do not have to make this decision today.

punkrocker16 · #9 07-13-2003, 09:25 PM

But I feel so bad because I'm leaving him but at the same time I dont know if I can handle being there for him knowing that the girl he did everything too was one of my cousins best friends

deb · #10 07-13-2003, 09:31 PM

Can you write your dad a letter and tell him how you feel? That you love him, but you can't quit thinking about what he did and how you feel about it?

That's being honest....

Deb

LostOne · #11 07-27-2003, 09:40 PM

Yes, its wrong. One of my friends Christine that has happened to her. People can change. Dont cancel your father out of your life just because he made a mistake in his past. He has a right to know you. And about being alone together. Ya'll can be alone but make sure its like in a place where if he does try anything you can have a person there. Like in another room.Or if ya'll went out and ate.
Hope I helped,
JenJen

Amelia · #12 07-30-2003, 01:39 PM

If I were you I would take some time, step back and just tune into your feelings about this whole thing....I know you must be hurt that your father did this, scared, angry etc....and what I would do is TELL HIM these feelings....let him know how his actions have affected your life..I also believew that people do change but I think that is something he has to prove to you and not something that you can just expect to happen...remember you can always love him without agreeing with what he did.....just try and deal with your feelings now befoer they fester and get worse and them you arent able to confront him.....remember we are all here for you!! GOOD LUCK!

punkrocker16 · #13 07-31-2003, 10:58 PM

thank you guys so much for giving me advice but i do write him.......... in all my life hes let me down.......... he walked out on me and my mom when i was like 3 or 4....... he walked away and never looked back........ a few years later he wants to be in my life and he promises that he'll take me everytime he's supposed to........ a week later he doesnt show up........ hes been like that all my life and only changed when he wanted to impress some woman with his "father" like behavior......... i dont think i want to have him in my life......... i dont kno........ im still unsure....... but i do kno tha i need to take a lil break from talking to him b/c its jst bringing me down everytime i do. thanx for the advice again

RubyGem91 · #14 08-20-2003, 06:17 PM

Hey punkrocker,

Well ok first ithink you should follow your heart..
I kinda think that you should walk away from him because if he wants to walk away from you and put you down you dont deserve a father like him...
But then again he is your father..
Okay i think you should leave him.
Katie

grammyk · #15 08-22-2003, 04:59 AM

H punkrocker,
This is a hard one. My Dad didn't cmmit a crime but, he did hurt me a lot mentally. He does not correspnd with me at all. But, I always end him a Christmas and Birthday card in which I tell him how myself and Grand and Gread Grand children are doing. I do this for me because it makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing by "Honering my Father". But, I do not have any desire to see or talk to him. So, I guess I'm saying regardless of what anyone says, do whatever makes YOU feel good because you are the most important person in this issue. Got ya in my Prayers......
Donna