"My mistery, My Life" by JD (depressing!)

jdswifey02 · #1 06-01-2002, 01:45 AM

This was a hard poem for me to read... knowing my JD felt every word to be able to put it on paper...

__________________________________
I'm not good enough
I don't deserve to live
I feel like dirt and look even worse
I have absolutely nothing to give.

To make me feel better and feel at peace
I'd let my mind just drift into space
Before I could begin to relish the feeling
Reality would slap me across the face.

Over and over thoughts of worthlessness
Would fill and run rampant through my head
Without a doubt, I knew only one truth
That I would be better off DEAD!

God never granted my wishes
Whenever I wished I could fly
So maybe he'll grant me this last wish....
and just LET ME DIE!!

CARLAxoxoxTODD · #2 06-01-2002, 11:49 AM

very sad

I hope JD doesn't still feel this way. The world's a much better place with him in it, right?

I could only imagine how hard it was for you to read this then post it. *hugs*

Thank you for sharing that with us.

jdswifey02 · #3 06-01-2002, 12:23 PM

Carla... of course I feel the world is a MUCH better place with him here... and I hope and pray every day that he doesn't feel this way... but I know he fights these feelings a lot.... He just kind of casually wrote in a letter to me when I was asking if he had been in the health care unit again that yeah he had been "for an attempt on his life..." At our last visit, he kept his hands under the little counter... Just about as the visit is over, I saw a cut on his arm and he wouldn't show me, and said it was "nothing"... then I get that letter.... He tells me his mind is in a better place now and that he's "straight".... but I worry a lot...

CARLAxoxoxTODD · #4 06-01-2002, 01:55 PM

I could only feel your pain by imagining Todd in JD's place. The anguish is tremendous.

My heart goes out to you, girl. Just be strong for him & give him positive reassurances that things will be ok.

There IS a light at the tunnels end...

I will pray tonight that God shines light into JD's world and to continue giving you the strength to be JD's LATTE.

*very BIG hugs*

vnvdvc · #5 06-01-2002, 02:10 PM

I'm so sorry for you both! Thankfully he has someone like you in his life.

jdswifey02 · #6 06-01-2002, 03:09 PM

Thanks for the reassurance... Carla... I told JD about your LATTE acronym... He said I am definitely his.... I know he has his dark days but he does manage to find hope in a new day... and give me hope too.... I know in my heart we will make it through all the valleys and see the mountaintop together one day....

CARLAxoxoxTODD · #7 06-01-2002, 03:24 PM

You are so welcome! I am glad you shared my acronym with him. Todd & I use alot of acronyms in our letters because we tend to say the same things over & over but it takes so long writing it. (SETE=Smiling ear to ear GTM=Grinning to myself)

When things are tough, Todd & I always think that today is one day closer to each other. That helps us through.

As strong as you've seen you on here, I know you will make it through with flying colors. With you by JDs side, he'll make it too.

Tell him I said to keep his chin up and when things seem bad to think of his LATTE!

Goody's Girl · #8 06-01-2002, 05:56 PM

Carla, now I feel left out. I don't know what the LATTE means. Could you explain it to me please?

Tracy

sherri13 · #9 06-03-2002, 03:00 PM

JDS--IF NOTHING ELSE, I THINK JD IS PROBABLY PUTTING INTO WORDS ON PAPER WHAT A LOT OF MEN FEEL ON ANY GIVEN DAY BUT NEVER SAY-I'VE NEVER BEEN TO PRISON BUT I KNOW IT HAS GOT TO BE LIKE LIVING IN HELL-LIKE RON TELLS ME WHAT YOU SEE IN THE VISITING ROOM IS SO DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOES ON WHEN YOU LEAVE-YOU WORKED THERE SO I AM SURE YOU KNOW-I AGREE WITH CARLA, WITH YOU BY HIS SIDE JD WILL MAKE IT-HANG IN THERE-WE LOVE YOU BOTH-

Shortie · #10 06-14-2002, 09:09 PM

LITTLE DOES HE KNOW HE IS WORTH MORE THEN HE REALIZES.

jdswifey02 · #11 06-15-2002, 08:06 PM

Shortie.... I know....

I keep tryin' to tell him!!

He hears it sometimes... and other times he just can't hear even that.... The good news is he's been doing MUCH better the last month or so... and I know that the support he has gotten here (particularly from you Shortie) has been a big part of him turning it around.... so thanks!!

Budwoman · #12 06-18-2002, 01:18 PM

SHAWNA

THIS IS A GREAT POEM AND I AM VERY SURE THAT THERE ARE DAYS THAT JD DOES FEEL THIS VERY SAME WAY.... I KNOW THAT MOST OF THE FELLOWS BEHIND BARS HAVE THESE VERY SAME FEELINGS BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF SELF CONFIDENCE..... THEY DO FEEL THEY ARE WORTHLESS BECAUSE THAT IS THE WAY THEY ARE MADE TO FEEL BY EMPLOYEES OF THE DOC.....

MY LOVE IS SENT TO HIM AND YOU BOTH.... I AM POSTING ONE OF BUTCH'S POEMS IN ANOTHER THREAD.... READ IT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK...

MY LOVE
DONNA