what to tell a 6 yr whose dad is locked down???

BabyBlue_Eyez · #1 05-04-2003, 03:55 PM

What do you tell a 6 year old whos father is in prison? I dont know how long he will be in there for, but she is asking for him and i dont know what to tell her. He has been locked down for 1 1/2 years now. The problem is that my daughter is moving away and she want to see her father before she moves away. I dont know weather i should let her go see him like that. If she goes she will have to see him behimd a glass wall. My daughter doesnt know he is jail now. My daughter is very sentimental. How do i explain all this to a 6 year old child, she just turned 6. I would like to know what you ladies think and how have your children reacted. Please help. Should i continue to lie to her or tell her the truth. And if i tell her the truth...she will ask me why he is in there...then what? HELP....

KRIS_NC · #2 05-04-2003, 08:05 PM

WHEN MY CHILDREN ASKED I TOLD THEM THE TRUTH..THEY ACCEPTED IT AND TOOK IT VERY WELL....GOOD LUCK TO YOU

deb · #3 05-04-2003, 11:30 PM

My kids know and visit...I've found that if we lie about something, the truth usually comes out at some point and then it's worse as the person wondres why we lied and blames us.....Hang in there.

Deb

DENIMBLUE · #4 05-04-2003, 11:51 PM

TEACH YOUR CHILD TO TELL THE TRUTH REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION. START SIMPLE AND THEN EXPAND AS YOU GO ALONG. PRISON IS HARD ENOUGH, THE TRUTH MAKES IT A LITTLE BIT EASIER. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW HER DADDY LOVES HER AND THAT HE IS THERE FOR HER NO MATTER WHERE HE LIVES.

fabulous · #5 05-05-2003, 09:59 AM

When my sons father got locked up, I went to see a family counslor. I wanted to see what the proffesionals thought about all of it. My son was 7 at the time. She said the visits were the most important thing. We did not tell him at first, I let the father tell him on the phone. His visits were behind glass too. She said the truama of seeing them behind the glass is out weighed by knowing their father is alive and well. She said their imaginations go wild. My sons first questions were if he had friends in there and what he ate for lunch. She said that was natural. She said the best adjusted children see their parents even if they are in jail behind glass. Children should not be expected to deal with adult problems but you can't lie either. it is a tough line to follow. His charges were drugs, but he also had a money laundring charge. I told my son it had to with making money and not paying taxes. And that I really did not understand myself. The therapist said that was ok for now. I will tell him the truth when he gets older. She said to explain about the court system a little bit. And to explain that when adults do something bad they go to jail, and compare it to them cheating in school or hitting their sister or something they can understand. All kids do stuff they are not suppose to, or they know better, but they do it anyway. Well, adults go to jail for that. I explain that he is not a bad person, he made mistakes. She also said it is devastating when a child finds out a parent lied to them. I also went to his school counslor and talked to her. It helped me to get advice from people who deal with this stuff on a regular basis. She said a lot of kids with parents in jail are not from stable enviroments. That is how the statistics got so bad. But that there are alot of kids who turn out just fine. As long as I am honest at the right time, provide a loving,safe enviroment the kids will be fine. In your situation, I don't know what the charge is, but I would come clean with the truth. My son had an established relationship with his father. Does your daughter remember her father when he was out? It could be that she is worried about him. Kids don't know how to express their thought like we do. We have went to see him, and everything was fine. My son asked a few questions and seemed fine with it. If you have been to see him, explain the process to the child, and what is going to happen. And about the glass to prepare them for what is going to happen. I was almost ashamed of what was happening, but kids don't feel the pressures of society yet. I wanted to do what was best for them, and everything I read said the kids needed the visits. So that is what I did and now I don't care what anyone else has to say about it. That is my experience. I hope it helps.

Amelia · #6 05-06-2003, 03:07 PM

I totally agree with all of you! When Stephen went in the kids ranged in age from 10 months to 6 years...I told them the truth, but explained to them in terms they could understand...I told them that daddy didnt follow the rules and had to go and do work...sort of like time out ...I made them understand that he still loves them very much and will be home as soon as he does the work he needs to do, I have always let them visit and noticed that when they go to regular visits they are much happier....I would tell you to be honest, kids can handle more than we think if it is brought to them properly..if I can be of nay help give me a pm!!good luck!

StacysWar030 · #7 05-26-2003, 09:28 AM

I agree...TELL HER! I too struggled with this for a while. But 2 yrs later my kids a very well adjusted. We as parents want to protect our children form the "bad" things in this world, at the same time lieing to them only creates fantasy not reality which causes them to be able to deal with what happens daily. We have to teach our babies that even tho people make mistakes it doesn't mean they are bad people. We also have to show them how to deal with circumstances in life that may not be easy to handle. You want your girl to grow up well adjusted, and her learning the "bad" things in life as well as the GOOD will do that for her. Kids are resillient and can handle way more than we give them credit for.

Stacy

ameej25 · #8 05-26-2003, 09:49 AM

what do u mean shes leaving? if she is leaving from her mom and now has to see her dad in prison...she might have lots of confused feelings...counseling is always good for everyone and their children-exspecially all of us with kids whos daddy's are gone!!

wannamae · #9 05-29-2003, 03:03 PM

When my son was about 5yrs old he stopped daed in his tracks to watch a commercial of the Latter Day Saints with a Father and son. And by the look on his face I knew that the time was coming he was wondering about his Dad. I waited till he asked and first told him that we just lived in different states, which was true. And then when he got to be about 7, that is when he wanted to see and meet his Daddy. That is when I just told him a little more of the reasoning why his Daddy was in Prison.
Just something about protecting our babies. Now our son is 15 and I am glad I did it the way I did.
Everybody is diferrent in the way we were raised and raise our own. It also depends on us.

But when a specified question is asked, I do try to answer it the best way that I know how.

MMP · #10 07-24-2003, 10:04 PM

What if your husband is there for something he did not do? Our sons are 15 years (he knows the whole long story, obviously, and has handled it well), 4 1/2 years and 21 months. The 4 year old is the one I worry about. We just told him that daddy has gone away for a few months to work at a camp. We go visit him every weekend. Fortunately, he is at a camp. My husband was the "big boss" at his previous job, so at our first visitation my 4 yr old asked if daddy was in charge there! When he saw President Bush's, John Ashcroft's and the warden's pictures hanging in the hallway, he asked why daddy's picture wasn't up there. Anyway, I feel like this is not a lie, and hopefully my husband will be home before he starts to ask a lot more questions. Sometimes doesn't it seem like the families are punished just as much as the inmates? This is so hard. And I know it is much harder for many of you--my husband is in a camp where we don't have to deal with glass or even a fence--and he will only be there less than a year.

ekate · #11 08-07-2003, 09:41 PM

Please tell your little girl the truth. In the long run she will find out where he's at.. Our daughter always thought daddy was at work. he's been gone since I was about four months along. Till a couple months ago she started asking questions that I had to answer I sat her down and told her sometimes daddies and mommies do things they should'nt then they have to go away for a long time out. I had to expain jail. her next question was are you my real mom cause you lied so how do I know your telling the truth. I realize my mistake now before I thought I was doing the right thing kids are really smart alot more than we give them credit for. Well good luck

MRSMAZE · #12 08-08-2003, 07:51 AM

I went, with my husband and our son, who is seven to a family counselor because we knew his incarceration was going to be soon. I was confused and angry and my son is also very sensitive and close and affectionate with his daddy.

The counselor said that if my child was okay with seeing his dad in jail then I should encourage and keep their bond strong. Although I struggled with my decision, I did eventually start bringing him on a regular basis. There was one point when I was going through the "Angry" phase and wasn't sure if bringing him was good for him and he was so depressed, not eating, having extreme trouble concentrating or even occupying himself and he said to me one night while sobbing himself to sleep, Is my daddy alive? It broke my heart. Children assume all kinds of thing when the parent they are used to seeing daily is suddenly ripped from their lives and even though the conditions of visiting are not the best, my son would give up baseball games to visit his daddy, so I believe that it is a necessary and positive experience for their well-being as well as the parent who is incarcerated.