So Angry...???..

Amelia · #1 04-26-2002, 10:25 AM

I am having a lot of trouble with my oldest daughter(Gracielle,6)..before stephen went in she was a pretty happy kid and a very good listener and loved school...NOW she is constantly angry, answers me back(even raised her hand to me once!) and hates school. I tried talking to the couselor she sees at school but she says she only works on self-esteem issues-(rrrr..she was a jerk!) and I am waiting to see if I can get her some couseling through HUman services but it is taking forever-Anyone have any ideas on how to helpher through this? I am constantly reinforcing her positive actions and trying to be more understanding but it is so trying! There is a fight about everything from getting dressed for school, going to bed, even where she sits in the car-and they have assigned seats!! I am ready to pull my hair out...but I know she is hurting so badly....any advice??

Joy · #2 04-30-2002, 01:55 AM

Hey girl, I know exactly what you are talking about. My oldest daughter was very, very angry when I left her dad. I mean she put holes in the wall, screaming...violent stuff. After years of counseling and trying to help her deal with things, I finally figured out that she only wanted someone to just "listen", not tell her what to do, what to feel or even how to feel. So, When I see her getting into one of her moods, I sit down and get her to talk. Some times I have to really poke her into getting going, but boy, when she finally does I just sit and listen. She has said some very cruel stuff to me, but I know it's not really directed at me. I had a counselor tell me once when I was so confused as to why she was mad at me when it was her dad that beat her and abused her. She said that Carine felt comfortable with yelling at me and letting her anger out on me because she knows that I won't leave her, no matter what. However, he dad left her and she won't say anything to him because she wants to keep whatever she does have with him. Even though it is hard to sit and listen, when her "tirades" were over she would end up really crying and I would just sit and hold her. All she needed was to let it out and know that it was ok to "feel", it was ok to feel what SHE was feeling. That's all she wanted.

My youngest, doesn't talk...it's real hard to get her to talk so I finally, one day when she was in one of her moods, told her to write things down. A few days later, I found a note on my bed....just expressing herself. Now, when she is angry, I will get a note on my bed. I don't go talk to her or anything, it's just her way of telling me what she feels.

Just thought I'd share how I dealt with my kids anger.

Joy

Shortie · #3 05-05-2002, 08:49 PM

Counseling is good, and I am all for it. I think she may just be frustrated and not sure how to deal with it. Try to listen to her more and see if she gives any indicators as to what is going on in her pretty little head. Let her know that no matter what is that she can talk about it but we need to be safe about it.. I son is very responsive when I approach him like that. Let us know if we can help..

jdswifey02 · #4 05-05-2002, 09:46 PM

Joy... Great suggestions!! (Ever thought about being a therapist?? Sounds like you would be great at it!!)
Amelia... I know I should probably have a better answer than what I am going to write, being the kid therapist and all... But there is no easy answer. One more suggestion to add though is that a lot of times, emotions come out in particularly a younger child in their behavior (AKA "acting out") because they really don't understand or have the ability to express emotions verbally the way older kids and adults do... That's why the therapy I do with kids looks so different from the therapy I do with adults... In my work, I find it just doesn't work to have a kid sit down and talk, because they just don't have the words to say what they feel at times....
Sometimes it is helpful to have a child "draw" what's inside... What they can't put into words they can sometimes express in a picture.... I recently heard it suggested in a workshop that you have the child talk to the picture of the emotion too... maybe that would help... Because you and I both know that she isn't really upset with you or upset about where she sits in the car, but she is just upset and doesn't have a way to direct that emotion....
Also, just trying to figure out with her more "adaptive" ways she can cope with all of those "icky" feelings... finding something she can DO to get that emotion out of her (rather that throwing temper tantrums, yelling, getting aggressive, etc...) This may be through a creative activity or a physical activity. I have one kid that throws a koosh ball at the wall... another one that has headphones and is allowed to "escape" to her loud music whenever she needs to... I have another kid who can call "time out!" and goes and actually sets a timer and jumps on a trampoline for three minutes... Some of those things sound a little odd and can be a little inconvenient.. but is better than the alternative behaviors!!
Good luck!! Keep us posted!!

Amelia · #5 05-06-2002, 10:43 AM

Funny you should suggest having her DO something to get her aggression out..this weekend I gave her this plastic bat and let her hit a pillow and the bed and let her scream out her feelings while she did this...she seemed to have a better day after that at irst she felt silly and then she got into it and some really profound things were revealed...she is araid that I will be taken away or die and she wont have any parents left ..so I told her whenever she is having and "angry moment" I will let her go in the room and shut the door and have some time to get her eelings put on thepillow--hope this isnt promoting violent behavior-but it seemed to work...??

B-Ray · #6 05-06-2002, 01:00 PM

>>>promoting violent behavior<<<

the 2nd step "might" be to see if she can talk after the pillow beating since she has "heard" her own words that she has been thinking but didn't know how to say before???????

Amelia · #7 05-06-2002, 06:38 PM

We actually had a real great talk after and a good cry too!

jdswifey02 · #8 05-06-2002, 08:11 PM

BRay... excellent suggestion!! And Amelia, I really wouldn't worry about promoting violent behavior.... as long as she understands that you have to measure your behavior by whether it hurts someone or not... the pillow doesn't hurt, but person does... I am glad to hear about her cathartic moment.. I am sure her heart is a bit lighter for it!! Good job Amelia!!!

B-Ray · #9 05-06-2002, 08:38 PM

More likely then not, inmate have the same type of a problem as this girl has reguardless of there age.

And IMO, if they recieved the help as this little girls is at her age, things most likely would be a whole lot different in there lives today.

sherri13 · #10 05-07-2002, 11:11 AM

BRAY-IMO, YOU ARE VERY RIGHT ABOUT THINGS COULD HAVE TURNED OUR A WHOLE LOT DIFFERENT FOR MANY INAMTES IF THEY HAD RECEIVED THE INTERVENTIONS THEY NEEDED WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN

soraya · #11 05-08-2002, 07:28 AM

I also agree. I've heard so many sad stories of all 'my boys' I write in prison, that I sometimes think, if only 1 little thing would been different while they grew up, they wouldn't ended up in prison