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  #1  
Old 02-06-2017, 07:51 PM
SOLin SOLin is offline
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Unhappy Son is in jail... and I'm his "victim"...

I hate using the word victim...

Last year my son's girlfriend convinced him that I needed to die...
So he attacked me and tried to kill me.

Both of them have been sentenced... She gets out either Sept or Jan (she's still talking about coming after me) and he doesn't get out until 2022.

I've visited him a few times and we haven't talked about what happened yet.

Everyone else has left him with no support.

I'm trying to do my best to find my new normal after having to relocate to a new city and try to pretend everything is normal for my younger son while dealing with nightmares and not knowing what the heck to do.

He's still my child and I feel like I've failed him for her to be able to get to him.
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:23 PM
Lackingthepower Lackingthepower is offline
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I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so hard to know what to do. I would think if she is making threats against you, you could call authorities.. Others may be able to help more.
It's easy for me to tell other parent's that it's nothing you've done and mean it. But, believing it for myself is different. Hang in there!
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Old 02-06-2017, 11:35 PM
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Please look into getting a restraining order against the ex-girlfriend. Safety first.

Might want to look into doing a victim reconciliation if his prison offers it. It's a good way of dealing with the crime as it gets both parties talking about the crime with mental health experts there, helping the process along.

Highly recommend getting into counseling if you're not already there. It will help you with a lot of the feelings you have about the whole thing, including the sense of failure. Fwiw, I have yet to meet a parent who doesn't feel that they've failed a child in prison. The second guessing can really undermine your parenting tasks with the younger brother as well. I do hope you're talking with the younger brother about what happened, emphasizing the fact that you love your son. You may hate what he did, but you love him no matter what.

It really sucks to be in your position. There are also books available written by parents of children in prison - some for the rest of their lives. They can be a real help in terms of your processing everything so that you can tend to both of your sons effectively.

I'm glad you're here and that you found this place. It can be a very good place to learn and find support.
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Old 02-07-2017, 05:37 PM
rnsgaig rnsgaig is offline
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Nobody can convince another person that "their mother needs to die" unless they are open to such a thing. While the girlfriend may have had the idea first, your son was a willing participant and should be held accountable, not only by the court, but by YOU.

There can be no healing and no rehabilitation until both of you fully accept his responsibility for his actions. I don't mean to be harsh, but you are not helping him by putting all of the blame on the GF.
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  #5  
Old 02-07-2017, 07:54 PM
trauma4us trauma4us is offline
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I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I just don't know what to say but wanted you to know that I care...and I'm sorry
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Old 02-11-2017, 03:35 AM
marie8899 marie8899 is offline
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I'm so sorry to hear what you went through and are going through. I agree with Yourself's recommendation about getting a restraining order against the girlfriend. You can also contact the prison where she is incarcerated and let them know you are concerned for your and your other son's safety.

The best time for you to begin discussing what happened with your son is while he is still incarcerated. I hope you will follow up on Yourself's suggestion that you find out about victim reconciliation services in your son's prison. But if those services are not available, you still need to address the elephant-in-the-room with your son. Not discussing what happened will not make your feelings about what happened go away. As someone else said, he needs to accept responsibility for what he did, and blaming the girlfriend or you should not be an option!

Ideally, (and if possible) you should both understand what was going on with your son that resulted in his violent behavior towards you. There are so many questions for you to consider: Do you wish you could reestablish a positive relationship with your son in the future; have you forgiven him or do you want to forgive him? Are you ready to hear him explain why he attacked you, assuming he could honestly tell you? Did you see any warning signs that something had gone wrong in your relationship with your son? Was he using substances? Is he genuinely remorseful and does he have any insight into his own behavior? Will you feel safe when he is out of prison? If you have to do this without help from inside the prison, you should definitely be in counseling/therapy, if you are not already. Your other son should also have help in dealing with his feelings and understanding what happened.

I hope you also have support from family and friends. You might want to think about, if it's possible, bringing a third party with you to a visit--someone who would be competent and sensitive enough to support you and help facilitate a frank discussion with your son about his violent behavior towards you. Good luck and I hope you'll keep us informed of your progress.
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Old 02-11-2017, 04:55 AM
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I am terribly sorry you are going through this but as others have said your safety must come first.Iwould defiantely report the girlfriends threats and I would make sure get some support and counselling for yourself and your other son.
Its ounds as if your incarcerated son has mental health issues and I hope this issues are being addressed.
I know as mother we put our children first but you must put your self and your other sons safety first.
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Old 02-22-2017, 07:28 PM
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tatonkawia tatonkawia is offline
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SOLin,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This is a good place to be to get support, because all the parents here have gone down the same path, in one way or another. The details may be different but the journey is similar.

It has been almost 3 years since my son was arrested. He did not attack me, but his actions brought about the loss of my home, and virtually everything in it. I had to start over from scratch, and became homeless the day he was arrested. He has a long sentence ahead of him, which made everything more devastating for me. I support him, I write, I visit, and I put money on his books. He has said that this experience has made him realize how much his family loves him.

What I can tell you from my experience, is that counseling helped. My family abandoned me, but friends were there who went above and beyond, and helped me when I had no one and no hope. I will always be grateful for that. Try to surround yourself with people who lift you up, you're worth it. I know a little of what it is like to go through the process of forgiving my son, even when his first action wasn't to ask for my forgiveness. It is hard, and it is just that, a process. I went through a grieving process that had me up and down on an emotional roller coaster. It did get better. For me, I would say it took almost 3 years for the constant grief and anxiety to lessen to the point where I am taking much better care of myself. I can say to you: that time WILL come for you. Life will not seem as hopeless, and you, your incarcerated son and son at home will have a routine.

Blaming ourselves is something, I think, almost every parent does, and I think it is natural. What helps is talking about it, how you feel, with someone who can help you sort out everything that is going on inside your head.

I hope that you are able to keep coming back to PTO for support, for advice, for friendship and even just to vent. Its a good group of people here that don't judge.

Take care of yourself the best that you can, be gentle with yourself and treat you the way you would treat a best friend going through a crisis.

God bless you,

Tatonkawia
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Old 12-09-2017, 05:57 AM
gene-o gene-o is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SOLin View Post
I hate using the word victim...

Last year my son's girlfriend convinced him that I needed to die...
So he attacked me and tried to kill me.

Both of them have been sentenced... She gets out either Sept or Jan (she's still talking about coming after me) and he doesn't get out until 2022.

I've visited him a few times and we haven't talked about what happened yet.

Everyone else has left him with no support.

I'm trying to do my best to find my new normal after having to relocate to a new city and try to pretend everything is normal for my younger son while dealing with nightmares and not knowing what the heck to do.

He's still my child and I feel like I've failed him for her to be able to get to him.
You be very careful. Your son and his girlfriend could kill you. It happens all across our country.
: It won't be easy for either of you but it can be turned into a blessing in disguise. The worse thing in my life, prison, was the best thing in my life. I would have been dead by now and had many victims. Prison saved and changed my life. There is hope. I encourage you to be very careful and maybe put a restraining order on both of them. This doesn't hurt your son. Would you rather see him in prison getting help, or doing life for hurting you and himself? Please read what prison can do for you.
: It won't be easy for either of you but it can be turned into a blessing in disguise. The worse thing in my life, prison, was the best thing in my life. I would have been dead by now and had many victims. Prison saved and changed my life. There is hope.
: It won't be easy for either of you but it can be turned into a blessing in disguise. The worse thing in my life, prison, was the best thing in my life. I would have been dead by now and had many victims. Prison saved and changed my life. There is hope.
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Old 03-13-2018, 05:59 PM
SeekingJoy SeekingJoy is offline
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Thank you for sharing your story of hope and your right some times things get real bad but that bad event can be the thing that starts a road of good changes and steps in the right direction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gene-o View Post
You be very careful. Your son and his girlfriend could kill you. It happens all across our country.
: It won't be easy for either of you but it can be turned into a blessing in disguise. The worse thing in my life, prison, was the best thing in my life. I would have been dead by now and had many victims. Prison saved and changed my life. There is hope. I encourage you to be very careful and maybe put a restraining order on both of them. This doesn't hurt your son. Would you rather see him in prison getting help, or doing life for hurting you and himself? Please read what prison can do for you.
: It won't be easy for either of you but it can be turned into a blessing in disguise. The worse thing in my life, prison, was the best thing in my life. I would have been dead by now and had many victims. Prison saved and changed my life. There is hope.
: It won't be easy for either of you but it can be turned into a blessing in disguise. The worse thing in my life, prison, was the best thing in my life. I would have been dead by now and had many victims. Prison saved and changed my life. There is hope.
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Old 03-14-2018, 09:55 AM
Halo527 Halo527 is offline
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Please do not blame yourself for what your son did. You did not fail him, he failed himself.

I saw my son going down the wrong path and tried to talk with him many times to get him to examine his life. I offered to pay for counseling. Three days before he got himself arrested, I begged him to get help. His response, always, was to get mad at me or to sit and look at his texts and ignore me.

We cannot change anyone, we can only advise. People must follow their own path and learn their own lessons. Sometimes in a very harsh way, such as landing in prison.

You should address this situation with your son. He should be remorseful for his betrayal of you. If he can't get there, if he doesn't give his girlfriend up and thinks their actions were justified, as hard as it may be, you must walk away from the relationship, for your life could be at stake.

If he can be responsible for his actions, then by all means, be there for him. But he does need to prove that he is trustworthy and he must show remorse.

Praying for you, this is a difficult and certainly heartbreaking situation for a parent.
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Old 03-16-2018, 11:17 AM
SeekingJoy SeekingJoy is offline
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Halo:

Your post gave me so many flash backs as I did the same thing time and time again, begging him to get some help, offering to pay for counseling, medical, medicine, etc., etc. and my son would react many times the same way, at times he would agree; but never would follow through completely. Most times he would be busy or needed to go or someone was calling him, or say something sarcastic or get mad and if I was there in person he was constantly on his stupid phone, it was almost like his phone became his God and many of times he thought people were hacking his phone, he went through at least 6 phones in 10 months, part of is paranoia. And I agree with what you said, we cannot change anyone, the only thing we can do is change ourselves and how we react to things and we cannot help or fix, if they do not own it to what they are responsible for and we all need to be wise and walk away, no matter how painful, if we or our family's well being is in danger.

SOLon:

Praying for you and your son also, take care of yourself and I hope that the post you read here will bring you comfort, guidance and peace. I am fairly new to this site but the post that people have written have really spoken to me and has helped me vent. God be with you, hang in there!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Halo527 View Post
Please do not blame yourself for what your son did. You did not fail him, he failed himself.

I saw my son going down the wrong path and tried to talk with him many times to get him to examine his life. I offered to pay for counseling. Three days before he got himself arrested, I begged him to get help. His response, always, was to get mad at me or to sit and look at his texts and ignore me.

We cannot change anyone, we can only advise. People must follow their own path and learn their own lessons. Sometimes in a very harsh way, such as landing in prison.

You should address this situation with your son. He should be remorseful for his betrayal of you. If he can't get there, if he doesn't give his girlfriend up and thinks their actions were justified, as hard as it may be, you must walk away from the relationship, for your life could be at stake.

If he can be responsible for his actions, then by all means, be there for him. But he does need to prove that he is trustworthy and he must show remorse.

Praying for you, this is a difficult and certainly heartbreaking situation for a parent.

Last edited by SeekingJoy; 03-16-2018 at 11:26 AM..
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